Does This Outfit Make Me Look Single?

Recently, I read an article on match.com's blog called "Your Perfect Date Night Color: What to Wear". According to match.com, it's not only what you wear that's significant; the color(s) of your clothes matters too. That makes me think that if I wear the wrong color, my date might think, "Oh, that color totally makes her look like she's the kind of girl who will always love her cats more than me. I'm out of here."

According to the article, "White symbolizes purity (the traditional bridal dress), spirituality, and silence." The article also says, " If you love to wear some white, you are probably seen as clean and orderly, but you may want to work on breaking the silence a bit as well." I suppose it would be good if the guy saw me as "clean", because I wouldn't want him to think that I'm the kind of girl who doesn't believe in showers. (FYI: I shower every day, thank you very much.) I'm not sure if I really want him to think of me as "orderly" though, because then he might not think of me as the woman who could possibly be the mother of his future children but the woman who could reorganize his apartment for him.

Also, if I show up wearing a white dress, I'm not sure I want him to immediately think I'm practicing for when I put on my wedding dress. On the other hand, I suppose he's less likely to think that as long as I leave the veil at home.

The article also says, "Though they say black is the most flattering color on all, there’s no denying the sense of mystery and allure you portray." Great! I've always wanted to be seen as alluring, but that's not why I have so many black clothes. I usually wear black (not just on dates, but every day) because that way if I spill coffee or food on my clothes the stains will be less noticeable. I guess that could be construed as being "mysterious", because then my date could think, "Hmm, I wonder what food stain that is on her sleeve? Could it be macaroni and cheese? Or Cheetos? That is a mystery. I should ask her out again just so I can find out."

"Blue is a color of simplicity, truth, and intellect. Regardless of the shade, this color says 'I like to be understood' to your date." I don't typically wear blue on dates, unless you count blue jeans. But is it a total fashion faux pax to wear jeans on the first date, especially if you're just going out for coffee or drinks to a casual bar? Besides, if I do wear jeans, I wear the one pair I own that doesn't have holes in them, and that says something, right? (What? I'm a broke grad student. I can barely afford to replace the clothes that have holes in them; you think I have the cash to to buy new outfits every time I go out?)

I do want "to be understood" by my date, though. I want it to be understood that if he makes fun of me for not making as much as money as he does just because I am in grad school and work multiple part-time jobs, I'm out of there. But not before I throw my drink at him.

What do you think? Do you think that the colors that a person wears reveals something about his or her personality?

For my date with chemistry bachelor #3, I wore dark colors. Did they have any effect on him? I'll let you know in my next blog post.

Making Conversation

One of my fabulous fellow bloggers, Talli Roland, has a new book out called The Hating Game. The Kindle edition is available on Amazon.com, and the paperback version is available on Amazon.co.uk. In the meantime, you can also buy the paperback at bookdepository.com, which offers free shipping to orders in the U.S. Check out her book and stop by her blog, too!

Another one of my fabulous fellow bloggers, Alice X, who writes the blog Guys, Boys, and Men, was nice enough to give me this award. Thank you, Alice X! I love awards. Check out her blog, too! Like Talli's blog, Alice X's blog is a lot of fun to read.

I'm supposed to list seven facts, but I'm going to hold off on that for later so I can update you on what's been happening in my dating life. Last weekend I went on my third date with chemistry bachelor #2.

Unlike a few of the other guys I've gone out with, when I first met him I didn't immediately think, "Is karma out to get me or am I just a freak magnet?"

This guy is nice, attractive, and he is easy to talk to. Unlike with chemistry bachelor #1, there were never any awkward pauses in our conversations, because we always had something to talk about. But nevertheless, as you know, I felt ambivalent about this guy, because I wasn't sure if I felt any sparks with him. Some of you who left comments on my earlier posts said that sometimes it can take a while for real feelings to develop, and I think that's true. I do agree that some of the best relationships can start from friendships. Other times you can think you don't feel anything romantic for someone, and then eventually you realize that you feel more for that person than you ever thought you could.

So even though I kind of rejected him after he asked me out for a third date, I eventually decided to give him another chance and I asked him out a few days later. Fortunately, he gave me another chance too, and we went out for dinner and a movie this past weekend.

As we sat together in the movie theater, I couldn't help feeling like I was watching the movie by myself, and he just happened to be sitting next to me. And it wasn't like he ignored me. We talked before the movie started, and we whispered to each other a few times during the show and shared popcorn and soda. But I still couldn't get myself to feel anything romantic for him.

In the past, whenever I've been around a guy I have a crush on, I feel overly self-conscious (even more so than usual) around him. It's even worse if we're eating together. Then I keep worrying that I have food in my teeth so that I'll keep discreetly checking my reflection in my knife when he isn't looking. Then I worry that he'll see me staring at my reflection in my knife and say, "The food isn't in your teeth; it's on your blouse." I'll find myself touching my hair a lot, as if I'm afraid it's going to frizz out on me and his eyes will widen and he'll say, "Umm...did you accidentally get struck by lightning or something when I was in the bathroom?"

But I didn't feel like that around this guy. I felt comfortable around him, but not in a "he makes me feel like I can just be myself around him" kind of way. I just didn't feel like I had to impress him, or even like I wanted to. During the date, as on the previous two times we went out, it felt like we were just making conversation.

After our first two dates, he texted me less than a couple hours after we said goodbye. But now it's several days after our third date and I haven't heard from him. And I don't plan on calling him either.

At first I thought that maybe I could keep dating him for a little longer, just to see if I was wrong and if maybe something good could happen. But on my way home that night, I passed a guy and a girl who looked like they were about my age; they were waiting for a bus. They weren't making out or anything, but the girl was leaning against her boyfriend, and his arms were wrapped around her. They didn't say anything. They just looked content. I wondered for a moment if chemistry bachelor #2 and I could ever have that kind of closeness someday down the road. I wondered if I really wanted us to have that closeness. The answer to both questions was no.

I also wondered if couples in love like the one I saw somehow manage to sense it whenever an unattached person is coming near. Maybe they have some kind of sixth sense that makes them stop arguing over whose turn it is to take out the trash long enough to look like they've already got their happy ending and never feel lonely EVER. I imagined couples everywhere saying, "Look, there's another one! Quick, strike a pose!" And then they all suddenly appear, fall into each other's arms and look happy and in love as the single people like me walk by, and then they go back to arguing after the single people go away.

Do I sound bitter, cynical, and slightly paranoid? Sorry. Now I know why the ladies on Sex and the City (a show that I love) were often so pessimistic about men. But at least they had their great clothes and cute shoes to make themselves feel better.

Crap. Now I just sound superficial.

Anyway, like I said before, I do agree that it can take a while for romantic feelings to develop. But those feelings are part of what make dating worthwhile and fun, because otherwise you really are just making conversation. (Or at least that's how it is for me.) I think that going on dates like this one makes me realize that I want to meet a guy that doesn't make me keep asking myself if I feel anything real for him.

I've got a date with chemistry bachelor #3 this weekend. This guy is actually the same guy I mentioned in my last post, the 30-something guy who said last week that he wanted to go out, but then he didn't call until after I'd already given up on hearing from him. But I'll try to reserve any more judgment on him, at least until after we meet in person.

Here's hoping the third guy's the charm, you know? (But technically he's not the third guy I've ever dated. I'm not going to say how many guys I've gone out with since I first started dating years ago, because the number is just getting depressing at this point. But he is the third guy I met on this site that I've made plans to go out with, so there.)

I'm Getting Too Old for This

At least, according to many of the guys on chemistry.com I am.

On chemistry.com, in addition to writing a few paragraphs to describe yourself in your profile, there's also a section that lists the basic facts of who you are and what you're looking for in your "ideal match". For example, in my profile, I wrote down that I don't smoke at all and that my ideal match would also be a nonsmoker. Unfortunately, I can't write down other things that are deal breakers for me; for example, I can't put down that I'd rather not date a guy who will say, "I'll call you," when what he really means is "I never want to see you again. In fact, if we do happen to cross paths again someday, I will grab whoever is nearest me and use them as a human shield in case you try to come near me."

You can also write down the age range that your ideal match would fall into. In my profile, I put down that my match would be somewhere between the ages of 25 and 35, though now that I'm turning 30 soon I'm thinking of raising the age range so that it'll be between the ages of 27 and 37 (you might wonder why I'm willing to date a guy in his mid-to-late thirties but not someone who's in his early twenties, but one reason is that the guys in their early twenties also generally prefer younger women). It just so happens that I prefer to date guys who are close to my age; the oldest guy I ever dated was seven years older than me, and the youngest guy I dated was four years younger than me.

Some people say that age is just a number. But I don't really buy that, because at 29 I am not the same person that I was at 19. For example, now that I'm 29 I'm not willing to spend an hour on the phone just so I can try to get tickets to see a boy band's concert (I never got to see N'Sync perform live, and now I never will! Why do these things always happen to ME?).

Of course, there are people who have really good romantic relationships with partners who are significantly older or younger. Sometimes age just really doesn't matter if you're in love. Everyone has the right to make their own choices about that kind of thing, and we all have our own preferences anyway. And I do firmly believe that you don't get to choose who you fall in love with; it just happens. So maybe I will end up falling for someone who is a lot older or younger. But on the other hand, I am still actively looking for someone who's close to my own age.

I think that part of it has to do with the fact that I'm usually likely to have more in common with guys my own age. Emphasis on "usually", because sometimes guys my own age are more immature than kids in grade school. (And I will admit that I am often immature too, seeing as how I will throw a fit if someone tries to steal the prize in my cereal box away from me.)

The problem is that many (though not all) of the guys on chemistry.com who are my age make it clear that they want to date younger women. One 35-year-old guy wrote down that his ideal match would be between the ages of 18-24. I mean, really? Really? When I was 18 I thought that anyone over the age of 22 was old, so I never would have considered dating a 35-year-old.

Other guys will go a little higher; that is, if the guy is 30 he'll put down that he wants to date someone who's between the ages of 21-28. It makes me think of the bachelors on the reality show Millionaire Matchmaker. The majority of them want to date younger women. One guy who was 48 told Patti Stanger, the matchmaker, that he didn't want to date anyone over the age of 29. Another guy who was in his late 30s refused to go on a second date with a gorgeous, perfectly nice woman just because she was in her early 30s. Again I must ask, Really?

The guys on that show rationalize their preferences by saying that they want to have kids someday, so they think it'll be easier to do that if they date someone younger. But I think it's less about the desire of starting a family and more about the desire to look like a stud who can still get a beautiful young woman. I mean, just look at Hugh Hefner, who's like, what, 100? And his "girlfriends" are young enough to be his granddaughters, and now he's engaged to one of them!

Don't get me wrong. Women do it too. But it does still seem like women get a lot more flack for dating younger men than men do for dating younger women, which is totally unfair. And there are definitely guys on the site who don't restrict themselves to dating younger women, so I'm not saying that all men are like the ones I described. And again, I'm not trying to condemn anyone whose partner is significantly older/younger, or who does prefer to date someone who isn't his or her age. Like I said before, that's your choice, and if it works for you, why not?

But for me, it does get to be a little disheartening to know that a lot of the guys that are out there wouldn't even consider me because of my "advanced age". And the thing is, this ageist thing isn't exclusive to chemistry.com. When I was on match.com and okcupid a lot of the guys who contacted me were in their late 40s and 50s (I didn't date any of them, though). Maybe I'm feeling overly self-conscious because my thirtieth birthday is rapidly approaching and I'll never be in my twenties again.

Maybe it's because there was this 35-year-old guy who'd been sending me e-mails last week on chemistry.com; in his most recent e-mail, he suggested that we go out this past weekend. I e-mailed him my phone number so that he could call me and we could make definite plans, but then he never called. I couldn't help wondering if he just flaked out about meeting in person and pulled a disappearing act (which has happened with several other guys I met online), or if he's holding out for someone younger. Not to mention the cutoff age for his ideal match in his profile is 29. (I did, however, go out on a third date with chemistry bachelor #2 this past weekend, but that's for another post.)

Or maybe I just want to track down those guys who prefer younger women and ask them exactly how many younger women they've succeeded in dating. I'm willing to bet that the number isn't nearly as high as they'd like it to be.

What's your opinion on dating someone who's a lot older or younger?

Do Not Disturb...or I Will GET You

Recently, the brilliant Theresa Milstein, who writes the blog Substitute Teacher's Saga, wrote a post about the role that writing plays in her life and how sometimes life gets in the way of her writing. And yet she still manages to get a lot of writing done, so that I envy her. I think a lot of people could relate to that post in particular, especially me.

As a teacher and as a graduate student, I do a lot of my work at home. In addition to teaching classes, holding office hours, and attending lectures, workshops and department meetings, I also have to spend a lot of time grading papers, making lesson plans, doing research, and working on my dissertation. I also work for a website that allows me to complete my projects from my own laptop. Not to mention I also have to make time for my fiction writing, but I actually prefer to do that at coffeehouses because the coffee and chocolate somehow make me feel creative. Or maybe it just makes me hyper and that makes me think I'm being creative...

I don't like working in the library for too long, because apparently it's no longer considered a quiet place to work, at least not according to a lot of the students who go there. To a lot of them, the library is the place where you go to talk with your friends at the top of your voice and ignore the people who glare at you until it feels like their eyeballs are going to fall out. Or it's the place where you do anything BUT study and hog the computers so you can update your Facebook pages or play computer games or watch Youtube videos for hours because it's not like anyone else needs those computers to do RESEARCH....but I digress.

I do have my own workspace at the schools where I teach, but I typically have to share an office with several other people. At one school where I used to teach, I didn't even get my own desk because there were so many more instructors than desks available; we had to sign up to use the desks for a couple hours at a time. And it's hard to work in shared offices, because sometimes the other instructors are just as loud as the students; if they're not meeting with students to discuss assignments, they'll talk about their teaching, what happened on last night's episode of American Idol, where they're going to go to eat, etc., until I want to stand up on my desk and yell, "Would you please keep it down!" But I don't, because one of my students might walk in at that moment and then they might tweet about it or something and then I'll be known as the teacher who throws tantrums and pulls her hair out in front of her colleagues.

So I generally prefer to work at home, even though my neighbors don't make it any easier for me to work either. But at least I don't have to be in the same room with them, because then I just might attack them for leaving their garbage bags in the elevator or getting drunk outside my apartment window at two A.M. again. (You might say that I have anger issues. I would reply that everyone ELSE has issues, and that's why I get angry.)

A lot of people think it's great to work at home, because then they can work in their pajamas and set their own schedule. But I don't like to work in my pajamas, because what if there's a fire and I have to run out in the street in my pajamas and then everyone will laugh and say, "Why are you wearing such a long nightgown with all those ruffles and teddy bears on it?" And even if there wasn't a fire, I'd still just get sleepy in my pajamas and doze off at my desk; then I'll wake up and start berating myself for not working, and then I'll feel bad for not being disciplined, and then I'll start wondering if I really do have issues, and...

Since I don't have a typical 9-5 job, and since I work at home, some people seem to think that my schedule is more flexible. That would be why they think I should be able to spend time with them whenever it's convenient for them, or why they call at all hours of the day, interrupting me when I'm working. They think that since my boss isn't there to supervise what I'm doing that I can set my own schedule and do whatever I want. But even if I am working independently a lot of the time, it's still work. And I still have deadlines, especially when it comes to grading papers. I often get e-mails from anxious students saying stuff like, "Have you finished grading my paper yet? I turned it in hours ago and I should think that you'd be done grading it by now!"

That's why I hate answering the phone, because it keeps me from getting my work done. I've tried telling the person on the other end of the line that I'm busy and will have to call him or her back, but more often than not the person will keep talking (or texting). I've tried not answering the phone at all when I'm working and just letting the machine take my messages, but then the people calling will say stuff like, "Why didn't you pick up your phone? I know you were home when I called so why didn't you want to talk to me?"

It's something that's happened again and again for years, no matter how many times I try to explain to people that it's nothing personal; I'm just busy working. After all, I wouldn't bother them when they're working; it's not like I would walk into their offices or wherever they work and expect them to drop everything and talk to me. But because I'm at home some people think that I have more time to socialize. And I don't.

How do you deal with it when people interrupt you when you're trying to work?

Second Chances

Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe I'm just sick of dating. Maybe I liked him more than I thought I did. Maybe it's because I'm turning thirty pretty soon and I'm afraid that I'll still be going on first dates for the next decade. Maybe it's because one of the potential matches that chemistry.com sent me today actually specified in his profile how he wouldn't date any girls who were bigger than a size 6. Maybe it's because I wanted to track that potential match down and make him watch a bunch of commercials for diet products until he started weeping over how much of a jerk he is and promised to mend his superficial ways (although that still wouldn't be enough to make me go out with him).

I decided to give chemistry.com bachelor #2 another chance. As you know, we went out on two dates recently, but I told him that I couldn't go out with him again because I was too busy. The truth is, I just wasn't sure I felt anything for him, and I didn't think it would be fair to him to keep leading him on.

I've rejected guys who wanted to date me before, and I never lost any sleep over it. Usually I just felt relief as I thought, I can't believe I dated a guy who was about as interesting as a piece of cardboard! and I can't believe that guy criticized me for not dressing up enough, so that I was tempted to hurl my dinner plate at him! or I can't believe I dated a guy whose sole ambition is to get as many women as Flava Flav did on his reality shows!

But with this guy, I couldn't stop wondering if I'd made a mistake in rejecting him. Okay, so I didn't feel fireworks with him. But the last time I felt a spark for anyone was when I went out with a guy I met on okcupid a little over a year ago. I liked him a lot. He liked the attention. Maybe what I had thought was a spark was just wanting what I would never have.

After several days of feeling like I might have made a mistake, I finally texted chemistry bachelor #2 to apologize for blowing him off and to ask him out for a third date. He didn't respond until two days later; I have to admit, I was disappointed when he didn't respond right away. He said that his cell phone was broken (which made me wonder why he didn't just call me from his landline), but he had said on our second date that he'd been having problems with his phone and would have to take it in to get fixed the next day. In his response, he said something about wanting to hang out sometime this week (although we'll see if that actually happens).

So I'm going to give this guy another chance. I know I sound like a total hypocrite after what I wrote about him in a recent post, but maybe I could end up feeling something real for him. It does make me wonder how many dates you're supposed to go on with a guy before you start feeling something real. For some people it happens right away. For me, of course it has to be more complicated, because it's not like I haven't already been searching for that special someone all these YEARS...but I digress. And anyway, I'm still going to keep reviewing the matches that chemistry sends me, just in case.

Obviously, I don't want to keep dating this guy for too long if it becomes more and more clear that I really don't feel anything for him. I feel like I shouldn't take too long to figure it out, though; based on how he acted on our first two dates, it doesn't seem like he has the same doubts as I do.

What do you think? What would you do if you were in my situation?

Describe Your Flaws in 300 Words or Less

In my online dating profile on chemistry.com, the basic facts about me are listed for my potential matches to see. It includes my beliefs. (I believe that you should eat chocolate - and lots of it - in order to get into heaven.) I can also put down how much money I earn in a year (or in my case, it would be how little I earn in a year, so that I have more coupons in my wallet than cash).

Everyone is also allowed to write a description of themselves in a few paragraphs. But some guys only write four or five sentences, which are usually filled with grammatical errors. These guys are usually the ones without pictures in their profiles. A lot of guys describe themselves as "sarcastic"; I'm not sure why everyone thinks that sarcasm makes a person more attractive. But then again, I suppose people like Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno got a lot of action when they were single. (I do think they're both cute, actually.) And I have to admit that I am sarcastic most of the time, because then I can say what I think and people will laugh instead of plot my demise.

You can also write what you're looking for in a significant other. I've lost count of the number of guys who wrote that they were looking for someone who likes to go out on the town but also likes to stay in. (Doesn't that describe most people, though?) One guy wrote that physical attractiveness is very important to him and he expects his girl to be fit and gorgeous, yet he didn't include any pictures of himself. Another guy said that he preferred girls with nice rear ends. Some will emphasize how attractive they are; one of them wrote that everyone compliments him on how good-looking he is. (He wasn't.)

One of my potential matches actually ranted in his profile about girls who will lecture their dates for not looking like their pictures in their profiles. In his rant, he wrote, "No wonder you're single." It's like, Excuse me? Could you NOT insult me before we've even met? And how about the fact that YOU'RE single?

A few have made it clear that they haven't paid for a membership yet. They include their e-mail addresses in their profiles since they can't communicate with anyone or see anyone's pictures without paying the membership fee first. (So I have to pay for the membership but they're not willing to?) Also, I think that at least a quarter of the matches I've been sent so far are no longer active on the site. And a third of the matches don't have pictures in their profiles.

I like the profiles where the guys actually make an effort and say a lot about themselves, and it's even better if what they write makes me laugh. I have to admit that it is hard to describe myself in a way that will make guys want to date me. If I was going to be really honest, I'd write something like this:

Whenever we have a conversation, I can guarantee you that I will talk about work at least five times...an hour. I know nothing about sports, so please don't make me come to games with you. If you do, I will probably fall asleep and sleepwalk onto the field or the court or the battlefield or whatever it is that athletes call it. I do work out at the gym on a regular basis. But I will never be a size 2 because I love Coke and M&Ms that much. So chew on that, buddy.

I'm completely neurotic and have been since I was a little kid. That was when I became convinced that the monsters under my bed were not only going to get me as soon as I closed my eyes but were silently judging my haircut.

I'll never drag you along on a shopping trip, because I only like shopping for books. If the only stuff you read are magazines with scantily clad girls in it, then I will dump you, but not before I throw all those magazines out the window. I don't wear those stiletto heels that everyone thinks are sexy, because you don't really want me to fall flat on my face on the sidewalk, do you? I didn't think so. I also don't wear miniskirts, because for Pete's sake, this is Chicago; how come you get to be covered up when it's ten degrees outside but I have to dress like I live in the tropics?

If I had to choose between a night out on the town and staying home to work on my dissertation, I'd choose to stay home. You can go out, though, but don't flirt with any other girls. If you do, I will have no choice but to tell all of them that you believe no woman will ever live up to your mother.

Of course, I didn't write any of that in my profile. (It's like when prospective employers say during interviews, "Tell me what your biggest weaknesses are." You're not really going to tell them the truth, are you?) I usually just try to write something about who I am and what I like to do for fun. I also write a little about what I'm looking for in a guy.

But I'm wondering if I should revise it for the guys who actually bother to read my profile and don't just automatically dismiss me because I don't have any swimsuit pictures. Any suggestions? If you were to write an online dating profile, what kinds of things would you write to describe yourself? (I promise not to steal it. If there's one thing I hate, it's plagiarism, especially if I'm the victim of it and someone steals my writing or my ideas. Okay, I also hate decaffeinated coffee. Like I've said before, what is the point of drinking coffee if I'm not bouncing off the walls after I drink it? So that's two things. But I digress.)