Monday, February 28, 2011

Second Chances

Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe I'm just sick of dating. Maybe I liked him more than I thought I did. Maybe it's because I'm turning thirty pretty soon and I'm afraid that I'll still be going on first dates for the next decade. Maybe it's because one of the potential matches that sent me today actually specified in his profile how he wouldn't date any girls who were bigger than a size 6. Maybe it's because I wanted to track that potential match down and make him watch a bunch of commercials for diet products until he started weeping over how much of a jerk he is and promised to mend his superficial ways (although that still wouldn't be enough to make me go out with him).

I decided to give bachelor #2 another chance. As you know, we went out on two dates recently, but I told him that I couldn't go out with him again because I was too busy. The truth is, I just wasn't sure I felt anything for him, and I didn't think it would be fair to him to keep leading him on.

I've rejected guys who wanted to date me before, and I never lost any sleep over it. Usually I just felt relief as I thought, I can't believe I dated a guy who was about as interesting as a piece of cardboard! and I can't believe that guy criticized me for not dressing up enough, so that I was tempted to hurl my dinner plate at him! or I can't believe I dated a guy whose sole ambition is to get as many women as Flava Flav did on his reality shows!

But with this guy, I couldn't stop wondering if I'd made a mistake in rejecting him. Okay, so I didn't feel fireworks with him. But the last time I felt a spark for anyone was when I went out with a guy I met on okcupid a little over a year ago. I liked him a lot. He liked the attention. Maybe what I had thought was a spark was just wanting what I would never have.

After several days of feeling like I might have made a mistake, I finally texted chemistry bachelor #2 to apologize for blowing him off and to ask him out for a third date. He didn't respond until two days later; I have to admit, I was disappointed when he didn't respond right away. He said that his cell phone was broken (which made me wonder why he didn't just call me from his landline), but he had said on our second date that he'd been having problems with his phone and would have to take it in to get fixed the next day. In his response, he said something about wanting to hang out sometime this week (although we'll see if that actually happens).

So I'm going to give this guy another chance. I know I sound like a total hypocrite after what I wrote about him in a recent post, but maybe I could end up feeling something real for him. It does make me wonder how many dates you're supposed to go on with a guy before you start feeling something real. For some people it happens right away. For me, of course it has to be more complicated, because it's not like I haven't already been searching for that special someone all these YEARS...but I digress. And anyway, I'm still going to keep reviewing the matches that chemistry sends me, just in case.

Obviously, I don't want to keep dating this guy for too long if it becomes more and more clear that I really don't feel anything for him. I feel like I shouldn't take too long to figure it out, though; based on how he acted on our first two dates, it doesn't seem like he has the same doubts as I do.

What do you think? What would you do if you were in my situation?


  1. I think physical chemistry is very complicated. When I started dating my husband, I didn't even know we were really dating. We were just hanging out and it was fun. I wasn't really thinking anything beyond that, but then one day he made the move. And suddenly what seemed impossible before was not impossible. The physical attraction just's weird to explain. It took us months to get to that point, though.

  2. That's such a difficult one. I've dated guys for awhile, when I didn't feel much for them. Sometimes it materialised (I ended up having a two-year relationship with one such guy) and some just drifted away.

    I say give him a little bit of time - as much as you canm without leading him on - and see how it goes. Good luck!

  3. Hmm, that's a toughie. I've dated both, those I'm attracted to right away and those I'm not. Neither ended very well. In the end what worked for me is the one who became my best friend when I thought he was just my sounding board. It turned out he was listening. That's what I need and what I couldn't live without. So my advice would be find someone who has those qualities that you can't live without. The atraction might come or it might not. I think your subconscious is telling you something about this guy. I hope you find out what it is soon! Good luck!

  4. Hi NGS,
    Several of my favorite love stories are like yours, where the couple starts out as friends first and then it grows into something more. I do hope that whoever I end up with will also be a good friend (in addition to being a good boyfriend).

    Hi Talli,
    I figure I'll give this guy some more time, if he is willing to give me another chance too. It seems like he kind of is, but I wouldn't blame if he wasn't; after all, I did reject him the first time. But maybe it'll work out.

    Hi Hannah,
    I like your advice, especially the part about how to find someone who has those qualities I can't live without. So far I've mainly just found guys who have qualities that I can DEFINITELY live without. Maybe my subconscious is telling me something, especially since I kept wondering if I should have given him another chance.

  5. I say give him one more chance. If you're not feeling the energy after date 3, don't waste his time and yours.

    It's a fine line. On the one hand, not everybody feels the WOW factor right away and it has to grow. On the other hand, you don't want to end up settling. My friend Rock found himself in a relationship last summer with a guy who liked him way more. Rock wasn't leading him on, he was being nice (he thought) and trying to be open minded. It didn't end well.

    So yeah, one more date. If you're not feeling SOMETHING, move on.

    I feel ya on online dating burnout, though. As for the size 6 comment, just ew. Everyone has their physical type and that's fine, but you don't need to be an asshole about it.

  6. I'm happy you're giving him another chance. It seemed the relationship was in this gray area - it didn't flounder but it didn't have fireworks either. Might as well see. Cant wait to hear about it.

  7. Hi No Way Cupid,
    The size 6 comment that that guy wrote really bothered me. I will admit that looks do matter to some extent, but I'm not going to make comments like what that guy wrote in his profile. I think even girls who are a size 2 would not want to respond to someone like that.
    Thanks for the advice, by the way!

    Hi Theresa,
    I'm still not sure what's going to happen with this guy, but hopefully it won't be anything bad. Compared to some of the other guys I've dated, though, he was actually pretty nice.