#amwriting

Ever since I got back from New York, I've been writing almost every day. Although I know that a lot of people prefer to work on one story at a time (and I can totally understand why since they can get it done faster), my workaholic nature has caused me to "multi-task" when it comes to my writing. That is, I'm currently working on three different stories: a novel that I drafted years ago but never revised, a creative nonfiction piece about teaching that I plan to submit to literary magazines that publish creative nonfiction, and a book-length creative nonfiction story: Obsessions of a Workaholic. I thought about just focusing on one of the stories, but I've been so excited about getting the words down on paper that I'm afraid I'll lose or forget them somehow if I put it off.

I've found that it's easier to write regularly when I incorporate it into my regular routine, like I did with exercise. Most days, I'd rather listen to Kylie Jenner talk about her lip fillers for an hour than spend that same hour working out, but because I'm now so used to working out at least 4-5 times a week, I feel worse if I don't go. And it's paid off, too, because I lost twenty pounds this summer. Although I still have more weight that I want to lose, the fact that I exceeded my weight-loss goal this summer has me dancing like this:
 
via GIPHY
By a similar token, by making a point of working on my writing at least 4-5 days a week, even just for half an hour a day, it's gotten much easier to motivate myself to sit at my desk or go to a coffee shop and write, instead of lie on my bed and watch YouTube videos on my phone.

It's easier for me to write out my first drafts in longhand in notebooks at coffee shops (the baristas like me because I always tip them, and I do that so that they won't mind if I occupy one of their tables for an hour or two) or in my office at school.

Then when I write the second draft, I type it out onto my laptop at home and start making changes at that point. But if I try to write out the first draft on my laptop, my mind wanders and I start Googling random things, like "what does it mean when Millennials say 'That's so lit'? Is that a drug reference?" Or I start watching YouTube music videos of bands from the '90s, like Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and then of course I start Googling "whatever happened to the OTHER members of Nirvana?" which leads to too much wasted time on Wikipedia.

I've also joined writing groups: one for my creative writing, which is a Meetup group that meets at a coffee shop near my apartment every week, and one for my scholarly writing (in academia, the prevailing attitude towards scholarly writing is "publish or perish"), which has monthly meetings on campus at the college where I teach.

Since Creative Nonfiction is one of the literary magazines I plan to submit to (actually, I already submitted a story about my life in Small Town to them earlier this summer, which probably won't get published, but it felt good just to put my writing out there), I paid $22 for a package that included an issue of their magazine, several issues of their "mini-magazine", True Story, and an anthology of stories that have been published in their magazines. They say that you should read the magazines that you want to write for, so that you get a better sense of what they're looking for. The package also included cool writer's swag, like a tote bag, a pen, and a small notebook.

Thus, I've managed to be very productive in the last weeks of summer, and after all the emotional turmoil I went through earlier this summer, it feels good to have a renewed sense of energy and focus on my work again. I've especially enjoyed working on my memoir, Obsessions of a Workaholic. All these years that I spent blogging about my life as a workaholic, I didn't realize that I was in a sense writing the first draft of this book. When I originally started blogging, I was just doing it for fun and so I could take a break from the scholarly writing that I'd been immersed in during grad school. But I've realized that there is a lot of stuff from this blog that I could use for the book, and I've also been fleshing it out and reorganizing it into a more linear narrative. It will take months to finish that book, but once I finally do, I will go back to work on another memoir: one about my experiences as a member of seven different online dating sites over the course of a decade. Even though it will be tough to make time for writing during the school year, I try to remember what I heard a successful writer say once: that even if you only write one page a day, in a year's time you'll have more than enough pages for a book.

What about you? How's your writing going, and what are you working on? What's your writing process like?

I Wish I Had More Time For...

Twitter. I've written before about how I'm tempted to set up a Twitter page, but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll be one of those annoying people who never looks up from her cell phone and ends up accidentally knocking people over like dominoes every time she goes out.

But I'm thinking that if I get enough work done on my dissertation this summer, maybe I will start Tweeting. Then I can Tweet weird things I've been hearing people say on their cell phones, like, "I don't want you to see my new face until the swelling goes down," (I really did hear this) and "I don't see why he's so mad at me. It's not like he can't wash out the vomit on his couch." (I'm not making that one up either.)

Studying. I feel guilty because I haven't gotten as much work done on my dissertation this summer as I wanted to. But that was partly because a) my website job took up a lot of time; b) I had to block guys who kept winking at me on match.com, like the 75-year old man who wrote in his profile that he only wants to date women in their twenties, thirties and forties (THAT alone is enough to make me want to quit online dating); c) for some reason it seems like food tastes better in the summer, which means I have to spend a lot more time at the gym; d) summer is the one time of year where I don't have to wear five layers of clothes, so I want to spend as much time outside as possible. It's much easier to stay inside and work when it's freezing outside. On the other hand, summer means all the tourists are in Chicago, which means I often end up getting stuck behind a bunch of "slow walkers" and I have to resist the urge to knock them over like dominoes.

But on the other hand, I know that I've been wasting time by reading weird news articles, like the one about the woman who distracted her neighbor by skinny-dipping in his pool while her husband robbed the neighbor's house. I've also been watching reruns of the show Flashpoint and reading gossip columns, which is why I know more about certain celebrities' love lives than I should. Online dating has also taken up a lot of time, and I haven't even gone on any dates yet.

There is one guy who recently started e-mailing me, and he wants to meet me in person. I'm happy because it means I'll finally get to go on a date, but I'm very nervous and scared because I haven't been on a date in a long time. Part of me wants to postpone it, but I know that it's better to meet him sooner rather than later.

My website job has finally slowed down, so I've resolved to devote the rest of the summer to studying. Then I can start Tweeting stuff like, "Is it bad to judge people for wearing clothes that are too revealing? Because I've already done it 237 times this week," and "I know I should eat fruit and oatmeal for breakfast, but I'm going to have this doughnut and chocolate-flavored coffee instead."

What about you? What do you wish you had more time for?

I Procrastinate Because...

Procrastination is one of my worst habits. (Fantasizing about getting back at rude and inconsiderate people by doing things like throwing water balloons at them or making them rename themselves after the cast of the Jersey Shore is another habit of mine. But I'm not giving THAT one up anytime soon.)

I know that I shouldn't put off responsibilities or work that needs to get done. I am able to get my work done, but it's often hard just to get started because I keep procrastinating. Then I'm left with less time to complete my work.

When I have a lot of work to do, I know that I shouldn't watch TV, read chick lit novels, or write down the laws that I would pass if I were President (Law #1: It is now illegal to talk on your cell phones in the movie theater. The other moviegoers are thus justified in eating all your popcorn if you do.). And yet sometimes I can't help myself, and then not only am I left with less time to complete my work, I'm also left with less time to do fun things.

I started thinking about the reasons why I've been procrastinating, especially lately. I read somewhere that if you can understand the reasons behind bad habits, it makes it easier to break them. So here are a few of my reasons:

I'm overwhelmed. I work two jobs and I have a dissertation to write. There are some days when I feel completely overwhelmed by the stack of papers that are waiting to be graded, the lesson plans that still need to be made, the projects that need to be completed for my website job, the students' e-mails that need to be answered, and the research that needs to be done.

When I feel overwhelmed, I don't automatically think, This will be a snap! I'll get this done, and then I'll clean my apartment! Instead I think, I can't do this right now. I'm going back to bed. And then I'm going to figure out a way to clone myself, as long as it's not an evil clone who will turn against me and take over my entire life. 

I'm frustrated. I recently turned in a draft to my dissertation director, and he says it still needs more work before I can show it to the rest of my committee. It frustrates me that my work never seems to be good enough no matter how hard I try, and it makes me question whether I belong in graduate school in the first place. 

When I feel frustrated, my first impulse is not to sit down at my desk and start a new outline for my dissertation. Instead, I'd rather go to the gym and work off my aggression, eat something chocolate-covered, or give up altogether and consider an alternative line of work, like professional break dancer.

I'm burned out. Even though I am a workaholic, even I occasionally get bored and worn out from working so much. Sometimes I just want to do something fun and take a day for myself. I want to stay in bed all day and watch movies, or go shopping and spend money that I usually reserve for books I need for my graduate research (that aren't available in the library) on something I don't really need, like a cute dress or a nice pair of shoes (instead of the loafers I usually wear, which are sensible but also call attention to the fact that I have ginormous feet). Sometimes I don't want to have to respond to yet another e-mail that reads something like this: "I know that I got a C on this paper, but I still feel that I did everything correctly."

I'm afraid.  When I sit down in front of my computer, sometimes I feel so afraid that I'm going to write something that disappoints my professors AGAIN. In the movies people can rely on magic powers or good-looking heroes, which makes it easier for them to confront their fears. But in real life I have only myself and my fear that everything I want will always be out of my reach. 

But in spite of all these things, I know that procrastination is one habit that I definitely need to break. It would be unrealistic to say that I'll never procrastinate again, but I do need to make sure that I procrastinate less frequently. I can't afford to keep wasting time.

What about you? Do you have a problem with procrastination? If you do, why do you do it?

Blogger's Block, Part 2

I didn't blog at all last week. There are several reasons why.

1. I found out that the Kardashians are going to be around for at least three more seasons. For the love of God, they're NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY!

2. I've been working a lot of extra hours at my website job; last week I worked twenty extra hours. That was in addition to my regularly assigned hours, as well as the time that I spent on teaching responsibilities. After I was done working, all I wanted to do was lie face-down on my bed and not get up except to eat chocolate.

3. Some guy really creeped me out on the train recently. It's not like that's the first time I've ever had a weird El encounter. There were the people who (on three separate occasions) told me that I was going to go to hell. There was the guy who ran his hands through my hair, and another guy who ran his hand down my arm. There was the guy who took off his pants because I made the mistake of glancing in his direction. Disgusting jerks like that make me wish that I could just walk everywhere, except I've had some scary encounters on the street too.

This guy asked me what time it was. After I told him, he leaned forward and said, "You know, I was telling my friend that you look like you would make a really good wife someday."

I thought, How does me telling you what time it is make you think that I want you to propose to me? Because I DON'T! I really need to stop wearing a watch. Out loud I dismissed him coldly by saying, "Look, I'm just trying to read my book." I could have said a lot more, but there were children present and I'd probably have gotten in trouble if I swore in front of them.

4. I've been watching way too many episodes of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. I can't help feeling appalled and fascinated at the same time by these people who see nothing wrong with keeping their kids out of school, letting them dress up (and dance) like strippers, and marrying them off at age 16 (though some of them start looking for husbands at age 14). One of the teenage grooms said that he liked the fact that his bride was a virgin who didn't even kiss him until their wedding day. He said, "I want something new. I don't want something used."

5. I've been spending a lot of time at the gym, because it's a good way to blow off steam. I get kind of distracted by all the cute, muscular guys at the gym, though, which has made me embarrass myself on more than one occasion. For example, once I was walking into the gym and I saw a cute guy working at the front desk. I was watching him instead of the door, and then I ended up getting my shoe caught in the door. As a result, I ended up with a hole in my shoe and a sore foot. That was almost as embarrassing as the time I fell off one of the exercise machines because I was checking out a guy who was lifting weights. I guess a women's gym would be less distracting, but then I probably wouldn't go to the gym as often. (Just kidding. Well, not really.)

6. I did actually get a lot of fiction writing done last week. I usually write out my first drafts longhand in journals. But then I write out the second draft on the computer so that I can do revisions more easily. The problem with working on the computer, though, is that it gives me access to the Internet. (I wonder if writers got a lot more writing done when they only had typewriters.) The Internet is the number one reason I procrastinate. I spend too much time watching Youtube videos, like the one about the lion that tried to eat a human baby, because the baby was wearing a hoodie with black and white stripes. (The lion must have thought the baby was a zebra.)



7. I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Even though I've been working overtime, I often find myself unable to relax when I try to sleep. On the other hand, it might have to do with the fact that a new couple moved in next door. They're very - er - enthusiastic. Sometimes their enthusiasm wakes me up at night. It's one thing to ask my neighbors to turn their music down, to ask them if their parties will end before one A.M. on a Tuesday, or to let them know that everyone can hear them fighting with their significant others on the phone (or perhaps they're yelling at the people on the 900-hotlines). But how do I ask this couple to be quiet?

All this and more is why I didn't get any blogging done last week. Even though I have spent several years juggling two (or three) jobs while attending graduate school full-time, I also spend a lot of time procrastinating. I think it's because sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do. It's easier to just waste time watching reality TV shows that reinforce negative stereotypes about women (seriously, are there any shows out there that show women in a good light? Or would anyone even watch those shows?) or read weird news articles, like the one about the mother who is apparently addicted to tanning and was arrested because she let her five-year-old daughter go tanning too.

True, I did get a lot of stuff done last week. But I kept procrastinating about writing a new blog post, because it felt like it was one more thing that I had to do. When you stop doing something for too long, it becomes that much more difficult to get back into the routine. And then you end up accomplishing nothing. So I need to stop making excuses and stop procrastinating. (But I'm still going to go to the gym on a regular basis, because it's, um, good for my health and all that.)

What about you? When you procrastinate, what do you do? How do you stop procrastinating?

Who and Where I Don't Want to Be in Five Years

The new year has made me think a lot more about my future, as well as mistakes that I've made in the past. (For example, the time I thought owning a wardrobe made up almost entirely of flannel shirts, ripped jeans, and "skorts" was a mistake.) 

Interviewers often ask job candidates, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" If I were really honest, I'd say, "I don't know." But I have thought a lot about where and who I don't want to be. Here are a few examples:

1. I don't want to be the type of person who keeps making excuses. One thing that bothers me about some undergrads (though not all of them are like this) is their refusal to take responsibility for their own actions. If they get a bad grade, they blame everyone else (particularly me) but themselves. They'll say stuff like, "I know I missed ten classes, but I think it's unfair that you expect us to show up every day." (I wish I could be there to hear them say stuff like that to their future employers.) Or they might say something like, "I can't afford to buy all the books for this class because I just got a new iPhone. And besides, I can just read Cliffsnotes."

It bothers me that some students won't admit that they didn't do what they were supposed to do, or that they didn't produce the best work that they could have produced. They blame me or make a bunch of excuses instead.

But then I realized that I sometimes made excuses too. I blamed the fact that I wasn't making as much progress on my dissertation as I should have on the fact that teaching and my website job took up so much time. It was true that I didn't have as much free time as I would have liked, but I also procrastinated a lot. Mindless Internet surfing is my worst habit.

More than once I'll find myself staring at my laptop for hours at a time, watching Youtube videos of dogs dancing on their hind legs or reading weird news articles, like the one about the athlete who injured himself while eating breakfast. I also have a bad habit of watching TV shows that I've already watched several times. I even watched shows that I don't even like, including one of the Kardashian spinoffs. (I couldn't sit through a whole episode, though; watching it made me want to start banging my head against the wall because I figured that would be less painful.)

Because of that, I am now behind on my dissertation. I have to face the fact that I might not complete my Ph.D. next year like I originally planned. And I feel awful that I haven't accomplished as much as my classmates have. I thought about why I kept procrastinating, and I realized that it was because I was scared that I wouldn't write something good, and sometimes it was because I didn't know what to say at all. I found myself unable to write anything when I sat down in front of my laptop. It was so much easier to watch another rerun of Friends instead.

But I don't want to be like that anymore. Now I am taking responsibility for my actions, and I need to stop making excuses all the time. I resolve to devote more time to my dissertation. Even if it does take me longer to finish my Ph.D., the important thing is that I finish it.

2. I don't want to be living in an overpriced, substandard apartment that I hate with neighbors I hate even more. Today I saw that one of my neighbors apparently coughed up an enormous loogie and wiped it on the wall of the elevator. I touched it out of curiosity before I realized what it was, because I'm a dodo head like that. And that is reason #487 why my neighbors drive me nuts.

I want to live in a nicer apartment with a landlord who doesn't believe that running water that doesn't turn brown and washing machines and dryers that actually work are unnecessary luxuries. I want to live in a place where my neighbors are quiet and considerate, and not the type of people who have loud parties almost every night and fall down drunk outside my apartment at 2 A.M. while squealing, "WHOOPSIE! I think I just fell down, hahahaha!"

3. I don't want to be the kind of person who never goes anywhere or never lets herself have fun. When I first moved to Chicago, I soaked up the city as much as I could. I went to concerts, plays, readings, museums, interesting neighborhoods, etc., etc. But now I hardly do anything fun. I could blame my work schedule and tiny checking account on that fact. (Side note: My life has become so humdrum that I actually had a dream the other night about doing laundry.)

But on the other hand, the fact that I rarely take advantage of what this city has to offer has made me focus more on the bad things about living here, like the inconsiderate drivers who come close to running me over because they're talking on their cell phones. That makes me want to scream, "Why don't you go someplace where you and your cell phone can be alone, JERK!"

I actually used to yell at bad drivers, because I got so mad at their carelessness and rudeness. I stopped when I realized that a) it was dangerous, because they just might come back with their cars, and b) screaming at them made me look even worse than they did. I realized that I was taking out my frustration on them because I was working too hard. (But drivers who care more about their cell phones than about making sure they don't run anyone down still bother me.)

So now when things get a little too much and I feel like screaming again, I try to set aside time to do something that's just for me, like work on my novel in a coffeehouse or go to the Art Institute on one of its free admission days. Even though it means sacrificing time that could be spent on my work, I always end up feeling better as a result. And I think that makes me do better at my jobs, too.

What about you? Who or where do you not want to be in the next five years?

I Respect My Dry Cleaner

I've been going to the same dry cleaner ever since I moved into my neighborhood. Even though her rates are a little more expensive than the other dry cleaners' in the area, she always gets my clothes cleaned properly and doesn't leave them scattered around in stacks or piles. And even though I secretly believe that the amount of money I've spent on dry cleaning bills would probably be enough to buy new cars for my dry cleaner and every member of her extended family, nevertheless I keep going back to her because I respect her work ethic.

Even though she opens her business every day at seven A.M., I've seen her still working hours after her business has already closed. I'll see her carefully ironing someone's pants, or I'll see her head bent over her sewing machine as she mends someone's dress. I feel sorry for her that she has to work so hard. But I also respect the fact that she takes pride in her work, and is willing to put in as much time as possible. I think that that's why her business has succeeded in an economy where several businesses, including other dry cleaners, have shut down.

Contrast her with this guy I used to see at the library all the time when I was an undergrad. He would bring stacks of books with him, but I rarely saw him open any of them. Instead, he and his friends would talk about everything BUT school, and talked loudly as if they were making sure that everyone could hear about how awesome their lives were. Right. Bragging about how many coeds you tried (and failed) to grind dance with and about how you passed out after downing too many tequila shots and throwing up in the street makes you a REAL rock star. (Then again, maybe it does.)

I'd also see him looking around the room several times, because he was always looking for girls to flirt with. He never flirted with me, probably because he saw me shooting my "Be quiet or I will GET you" glare at him. What amazed me was that I once saw him holding an MCAT book. I always wondered if his lack of a work ethic prevented him from getting into med school. Or maybe he did somehow become a doctor, and then spent most nights talking with his fellow doctors about how he passed out after trying (and failing) to grind dance with female colleagues, drinking too many shots and throwing up in the street. Or maybe he would chat up his female patients and say something like this:

Lazy doctor: So, are you doing anything tonight?
Female patient: You mean before or AFTER the heart transplant you're supposed to perform on me?

That guy also makes me think of this other guy who was a member of this gym that I used to belong to. I saw him at the gym quite often, but I never saw him exercise. He would sit on one of the stationary bikes and then watch one of the TVs up on the wall, but he wouldn't actually pedal the bike. He'd just sit there, for up to an hour or more. I always wondered why he bothered to pay for a gym membership when he could just sit at home and watch TV. (And I also wondered how he always managed to smell like he'd been exercising for 13 hours straight when I never actually saw him exercise.) By not doing anything, he wasn't actually accomplishing anything, like building endurance, gaining strength and muscles, or losing weight. He was just wasting time.

These people made me think about the difference between the people who actually get work done and achieve things, and the ones who don't even try. It relates to writing because not only do you have to show up to write, you also have to actually write something. You can say that you want to write a book, but that's not the same thing as actually writing it.

It sounds obvious, but I must confess that sometimes I'll sit down at my computer to work on my novel and I'll end up watching Youtube videos of The Office bloopers or home movies of people's puppies instead. It's very easy to procrastinate, because it's so much easier not to write. But if I just sit at my desk every day without writing, then I'll never be a writer. And then I might as well not sit down at my desk at all.

If I'm not going to put in the effort to write, I could do other things, like start a letter-writing campaign to Bravo to stop making more Real Housewives spinoffs .(Seriously, are they going to have one with housewives from EVERY city in the U.S.? By showing all those episodes of rich "ladies" fighting with each other and spreading nasty gossip, are the show's producers trying to make the audience meaner? Or is acting like Satan's mistress the "in" thing to do now?)

Or I could train for a marathon so that I'd finally be able to run fast enough that I could laugh over my shoulder at all the people running behind me. I'd say, "Ha ha! Eat my dust, LOSERS! Why don't you run more SLOWLY, because you'll never beat me! Hahahaha!" And then, of course, at that moment I'd trip over a fire hydrant or something and fall flat on my face, and all the other runners would simply laugh and trample over me and sing songs about karma.

I read somewhere that writing isn't always productive, because you can write for hours and still not come up with a draft that you're satisfied with. But that great draft isn't necessarily going to be completed in one sitting. It could take several days, weeks, or months of writing before it gets done. The point is that you have to be willing to put in the time AND the effort to do it.

I'm not saying we should put in fifteen-hour days. But I think that if my dry cleaner did become a writer, she'd have a much better chance of succeeding than that Casanova wannabe (who had all the charm of a contestant on a reality dating show) from the library or the guy who'd rather watch TV than exercise (despite the fact that he could do both at the same time). It isn't just about talent. What's that phrase by Thomas Edison? "Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration." (Or is it 2% and 98%?) And I think he's right.

How do you motivate yourself to keep writing, even when it becomes challenging to produce something good? How do you keep yourself at your desk when you'd rather be doing something else (or nothing)?