Maybe I'm the Problem

This past weekend I went on a date with chemistry.com bachelor #2. We went out for drinks, and then we walked to a nearby coffeehouse and spent a long time talking.

The date was nice, but it would have been nicer if the guy hadn't kept watching the game on the TVs in the bar. We'd be talking and then all of a sudden his eyes would drift over to the game. I felt like saying, "Should I just let you and the TV have some alone time?"

Other times he'd gesture to the game and say, "Did you see that? That was really cool." When it comes to basketball or any sport for that matter, I have no idea what's going on. The game might as well have been an all-or-nothing battle for control over the universe between enemy aliens for all I cared, though I'm thinking that an alien battle might have been more interesting.

It also seemed like my date and the waitress who brought us drinks had more chemistry than he and I did, because she was really attentive to him and kept asking him about his drink; it took her more than an hour to ask whether I wanted a refill on mine. This was the second time I've been on a date where the guy seemed to really like the waitress and I kept thinking, Do you think you can wait until AFTER the date before you start flirting with other girls? Seriously?

I did seem to have more in common with this guy than with chemistry.com bachelor #1, and there weren't as many awkward pauses in our conversation. He texted me the next morning, and we went out to eat that day. But...that thing you're supposed to feel when you really like someone? I'm not sure I was feeling it.

I've never been on a date where I took one look at the guy and thought, There he is! The man of my dreams! I can stop dating now. Usually I just think, Hmmm. I wonder if he'd believe me if I said that I was allergic to his cologne and therefore had to end the date immediately, otherwise I might pass out or sneeze all over him?

But on the last few dates that I've been on, I haven't felt that spark where I know that I definitely want to go out with the guy again and I can't wait until I do. I know that it can sometimes take a while for that spark to actually occur, but does that mean I should keep going on dates with the same guy and hope that eventually I'll feel whatever I'm supposed to feel? That wouldn't be the right thing to do, not for him or me.

He texted me right after our second date and asked me out a third time. I texted back that I was too busy, but I think he saw right through that line. I feel really bad about turning him down. Here was a perfectly nice, cute guy who wanted to keep dating me, and I didn't feel the same way. I even considered going out with him a third time, just to see what could happen, but I'm not sure I want to do that.

I've been thinking that maybe I'm the problem. Maybe it's my fault that I haven't met Mr. Right yet. Maybe it's because I sometimes find myself tempted to keep talking about my work, because work is what I think about 95% of the time. (The rest of the time I just think about food. Kidding. Well, not really.) I do try to talk about other things, and of course I always ask the guys questions about themselves so I can get to know them better.

Maybe it's because I never drink alcohol on the dates, even if we go to bars. It doesn't bother me if my dates drink, as long as they don't get too friendly once they've had a few. If that was the case, I really couldn't be held responsible for what would inevitably happen next; i.e., the next drink they order would end up all over their clothes.

But maybe the guys think I'm too uptight for not drinking. On the other hand, I don't want to pretend to like alcohol and order a drink just so they'll think I'm cool, because then it wouldn't be a date; it'd be an after-school special.

Maybe it's because I'm not into sports, and a lot of the guys that I've dated are athletic. So if they start talking about some team that they like, I just say, "Umm...you're talking about hockey, right? Wait, does Chicago have a hockey team?" (I know now that they do. I don't really care, though.) One guy told me about how excited he got when his favorite college team won, and I think my eyes must have glazed over, because I had no idea what he was talking about. They often seem disappointed to find out that talking to me about sports is like talking to the Jersey Shore's Snooki about politics.

No offense to sports fans, though. It's just that I've never been into sports. The few times I played sports I always ended up getting hit by the ball. Even if I was just watching other people play I'd still end up getting hit by the ball.

Or maybe it wouldn't matter so much if I did everything right. It wouldn't matter if it still felt like something was missing.

I thought about buying a book on dating, because then maybe it could give me some tips on the right way to act on first dates in particular. One piece of advice that I've read is that the girl should casually touch the guy's arm or hand to let him know that she's interested. But I'm afraid that he might move at the wrong moment and then I'd accidentally hit him or knock him out of his chair or something. Then the police would be called and I'd be yelling, "I was just trying to flirt with him! That's all! Help!" as they dragged me away and then the guy would definitely never call me again.

What do you think of books on dating? If you've read any, what do you think of the advice? The only one I have is the book He's Just Not That Into You, but that book is more about how to deal with guys who aren't interested in a second date (or a first one, for that matter).