Thursday, March 10, 2011

Making Conversation

One of my fabulous fellow bloggers, Talli Roland, has a new book out called The Hating Game. The Kindle edition is available on, and the paperback version is available on In the meantime, you can also buy the paperback at, which offers free shipping to orders in the U.S. Check out her book and stop by her blog, too!

Another one of my fabulous fellow bloggers, Alice X, who writes the blog Guys, Boys, and Men, was nice enough to give me this award. Thank you, Alice X! I love awards. Check out her blog, too! Like Talli's blog, Alice X's blog is a lot of fun to read.

I'm supposed to list seven facts, but I'm going to hold off on that for later so I can update you on what's been happening in my dating life. Last weekend I went on my third date with chemistry bachelor #2.

Unlike a few of the other guys I've gone out with, when I first met him I didn't immediately think, "Is karma out to get me or am I just a freak magnet?"

This guy is nice, attractive, and he is easy to talk to. Unlike with chemistry bachelor #1, there were never any awkward pauses in our conversations, because we always had something to talk about. But nevertheless, as you know, I felt ambivalent about this guy, because I wasn't sure if I felt any sparks with him. Some of you who left comments on my earlier posts said that sometimes it can take a while for real feelings to develop, and I think that's true. I do agree that some of the best relationships can start from friendships. Other times you can think you don't feel anything romantic for someone, and then eventually you realize that you feel more for that person than you ever thought you could.

So even though I kind of rejected him after he asked me out for a third date, I eventually decided to give him another chance and I asked him out a few days later. Fortunately, he gave me another chance too, and we went out for dinner and a movie this past weekend.

As we sat together in the movie theater, I couldn't help feeling like I was watching the movie by myself, and he just happened to be sitting next to me. And it wasn't like he ignored me. We talked before the movie started, and we whispered to each other a few times during the show and shared popcorn and soda. But I still couldn't get myself to feel anything romantic for him.

In the past, whenever I've been around a guy I have a crush on, I feel overly self-conscious (even more so than usual) around him. It's even worse if we're eating together. Then I keep worrying that I have food in my teeth so that I'll keep discreetly checking my reflection in my knife when he isn't looking. Then I worry that he'll see me staring at my reflection in my knife and say, "The food isn't in your teeth; it's on your blouse." I'll find myself touching my hair a lot, as if I'm afraid it's going to frizz out on me and his eyes will widen and he'll say, "Umm...did you accidentally get struck by lightning or something when I was in the bathroom?"

But I didn't feel like that around this guy. I felt comfortable around him, but not in a "he makes me feel like I can just be myself around him" kind of way. I just didn't feel like I had to impress him, or even like I wanted to. During the date, as on the previous two times we went out, it felt like we were just making conversation.

After our first two dates, he texted me less than a couple hours after we said goodbye. But now it's several days after our third date and I haven't heard from him. And I don't plan on calling him either.

At first I thought that maybe I could keep dating him for a little longer, just to see if I was wrong and if maybe something good could happen. But on my way home that night, I passed a guy and a girl who looked like they were about my age; they were waiting for a bus. They weren't making out or anything, but the girl was leaning against her boyfriend, and his arms were wrapped around her. They didn't say anything. They just looked content. I wondered for a moment if chemistry bachelor #2 and I could ever have that kind of closeness someday down the road. I wondered if I really wanted us to have that closeness. The answer to both questions was no.

I also wondered if couples in love like the one I saw somehow manage to sense it whenever an unattached person is coming near. Maybe they have some kind of sixth sense that makes them stop arguing over whose turn it is to take out the trash long enough to look like they've already got their happy ending and never feel lonely EVER. I imagined couples everywhere saying, "Look, there's another one! Quick, strike a pose!" And then they all suddenly appear, fall into each other's arms and look happy and in love as the single people like me walk by, and then they go back to arguing after the single people go away.

Do I sound bitter, cynical, and slightly paranoid? Sorry. Now I know why the ladies on Sex and the City (a show that I love) were often so pessimistic about men. But at least they had their great clothes and cute shoes to make themselves feel better.

Crap. Now I just sound superficial.

Anyway, like I said before, I do agree that it can take a while for romantic feelings to develop. But those feelings are part of what make dating worthwhile and fun, because otherwise you really are just making conversation. (Or at least that's how it is for me.) I think that going on dates like this one makes me realize that I want to meet a guy that doesn't make me keep asking myself if I feel anything real for him.

I've got a date with chemistry bachelor #3 this weekend. This guy is actually the same guy I mentioned in my last post, the 30-something guy who said last week that he wanted to go out, but then he didn't call until after I'd already given up on hearing from him. But I'll try to reserve any more judgment on him, at least until after we meet in person.

Here's hoping the third guy's the charm, you know? (But technically he's not the third guy I've ever dated. I'm not going to say how many guys I've gone out with since I first started dating years ago, because the number is just getting depressing at this point. But he is the third guy I met on this site that I've made plans to go out with, so there.)


  1. Don't you love it when both people just let things fade away? No awkwardness, no uncomfortable conversations, just no more calling. I think people know when things just aren't right.

    Here's to being nervous in front of someone very soon!

  2. Hi Lizzie,
    I was actually afraid that the guy might want to go out for a fourth time, and then we would have to have the uncomfortable conversation. But maybe he was feeling ambivalent too; at least this way neither of us has to say, "It's not you, it's me."
    I hope I do find that special someone soon! I also think it's cute if the guy gets nervous. :)

  3. Good luck on guy number three! I guess, when you know you just know, right?

  4. Hi Hannah,
    That's the thing. On the past few dates I've been on I usually just think, "I don't know," or "I don't want to know", or "I know I never want to see him again." Hopefully, though, I will meet a guy that doesn't make me think any of those things, and eventually we will know that it's right. Hopefully.

  5. I agree with Lizzie: it's so nice when BOTH people realize something's not going to work and just leave it at that. A few of the okcupid guys I've gone out with once or twice just didn't get back in touch after our chemistry-free dates. I appreciated how observant they were, and then it wasn't awkward.

    And about couples and PDA: I agree, it's nice when a twosome seems genuinely happy and their cuddling looks natural. However, there ARE some whose PDA is posturing, covering up for stuff that's wrong in the relationship. I've seen this happen with friends (it's not my bitter little heart talking, I swear).

  6. "The food isn't in your teeth; it's on your blouse."

    You made me laugh there!

    I'm glad you tried again. Now you know and can move on.

    And yes, I've seen posturing but that's more to make themselves feel better than to make you feel bad. I've also seen genuine attraction and love, a certain comfort being together.

    I hope this weekend date went well. I'll find out soon enough, I"m sure.

  7. "Other times you can think you don't feel anything romantic for someone, and then eventually you realize that you feel more for that person than you ever thought you could. "

    I don't think this has ever happened to me. There have definitely been times where I suddenly started liking some guy that I either hadn't considered before, or hadn't been that into before, but I don't remember ever bringing a dude back back from the Friend Zone.

    I'm glad you gave the guy another chance because hey, you never know, but yeah... I think you can find someone you're much more passionate about.

  8. Hi No Way Cupid,
    It can be difficult when only one person realizes it's not going to work and the other person wants to keep trying; that has happened to me more than once and I actually had to tell one guy to leave me alone. But at least with this guy we both realized it wasn't working.

    Hi Theresa,
    I'm glad that I tried again too, because otherwise I think I would have kept wondering "what if". Sometimes it's better to know, even if the experience doesn't turn out to be that great, because at least I can learn from it.

    Hi Anna,
    I definitely hope to find someone that I am passionate about who feels the same way about me. I think with this guy it never would have been like that, and then we probably would have ended up breaking up at some point anyway.