All I Want for Christmas

1. Is to have the money to hire someone to clean my apartment, preferably someone who looks like Joe Manganiello and who flexes his muscles and bends over a lot when he cleans.

2. Is to get through one visit to my parents' house without my mother criticizing my looks/my clothes/my job/the fact that I'm still single.

3. Is to be able to eat a piece of cheesecake or pizza without cursing myself for it on the scale the next day.

4. Is to get through one visit to my parents' house without my father trying to control where I drive my car/how I should do my job/where I should live and work next.

5. Is to pay off my student loans before my students are old enough to retire.

6.  Is for students to spend more time reading books than whatever is on their cell phones.

7. Is for Donald Trump to SHUT UP and GO AWAY.

8. Is for my double-parking, space-stealing, loud-partying, chain-smoking, mooching off their parents neighbors to be forced to live with Voldemort, Donald Trump, and Mama June.

9. Is a life where I only have to work one job instead of two or three.

10. Is to have more time to write.

What about you? What do you want for Christmas?

All I Want for Christmas

1. Is for my parents to stop insisting that only they know where I should work and live and to recognize the fact that I have the right to decide where I will work and live, because as a thirty-three-year-old adult, I no longer need their permission to do anything anymore. (But on the other hand, if I keep waiting for them to recognize that fact, not only will I wait forever, it'll be like I'm still waiting for their permission.)

2. Is for my neighbors to stop waking me up at 2 A.M. with "WHOOOO!! Who needs sleep when we can PAR-TAY? HAHAHAHA!", to which I shriek from my window, "When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to send the zombies after YOU!"

3. Is to receive at least one offer letter by the end of this school year from a good college with students who will be willing to put their cell phones down long enough to learn how to read, appreciate, and write about fine literature.

4. Is for my parents to stop telling me that I'm an old maid and a spinster (and yes, they have called me both) because I'm in my thirties, unmarried, and childless, and for them to stop acting as if that's a crime and a tragedy.

5. Is to successfully defend my dissertation this spring and also be able to resist the temptation to yell at all the other grad students, "I am finally free of ALL of you! YAAAAYYYY!!!" and to also resist the temptation to set off firecrackers and dance across campus after saying that.

6. Is to FINALLY complete my Ph.D. this spring and find one teaching job with a salary that pays enough to cover all my expenses and leaves me with some money left over to put in a savings account, so that I never have to work two or three jobs again.

7. Is to be able to walk into any store or cafe without wanting to scream, "ENOUGH with the Christmas carols! Isn't it bad enough that we all have to deal with long lines, crowded stores, and customers who will elbow us in the face to get the last product being featured in the holiday sale?"

8. Is to meet a nice guy by next Christmas who actually makes an effort to show me that he cares about me, not another guy who just isn't that into me and takes several hours to text back "k".

9. Is to eat Christmas cookies without cursing myself on the treadmill afterwards.

10. Is for all the people who are alone, poor, or hungry on Christmas to find the help that they need from kind friends or generous strangers, not like the heartless monster I saw recently who yelled at a homeless man who was standing on a street corner and begging for spare change. She told him to "get a job" and that he should be ashamed of himself. I stepped between that bitch (pardon my language) and that homeless man, glared at that woman (who apparently is the spawn of Satan), and gave that guy some money while telling him to ignore jerks like that. (The heartless monster, by the way, said nothing more after I stepped in. Apparently she has the nerve to berate a homeless person but not someone whose economic status is not that much different from hers. As I stated on Twitter, I hope that people like her get a giant box of karma for Christmas.) I wished I could have done more to help him.

What about you? What's on your Christmas wish list?

I Wish I Was Samantha

Many female fans of the TV show Sex and the City often identify themselves with at least one of the four main characters: Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Charlotte York, and Miranda Hobbes. If I had to pick one of the characters that I identify with the most, I'd say that it was Carrie Bradshaw, even though my legs don't look like hers (but God, I wish they did). I also hate shoe shopping, partly because I think that I am the female incarnation of Bigfoot and always fall down whenever I try to wear heels (and when I fall, I usually grab onto whoever's nearest me and drag them down with me). But Carrie was so neurotic and obsessive about everything, and I can definitely relate to that.

If there is one character I WISH I was like, though, it would definitely be Samantha Jones. I don't envy her one-night stands, partly because all those years of Catholic school made me feel like I should go to Confession or say the rosary after I watch an episode of the show. 

I also don't envy her wardrobe, although she always looked fantastic. But I would never have the nerve to wear such revealing clothing. As far as fashion goes, I am basically the female incarnation of Mr. Rogers (though I definitely don't want anyone to be MY neighbor, because my neighbors have always been magazine-stealing, throw-up-in-the-elevator-and-leave-it-there, hard-partying, loud jerks who apparently never work or sleep), partly because I wear a lot of sweaters. I'm always paranoid that I'm going to show too much skin, especially when I'm teaching, and that I'll end up being one low-cut blouse away from being a character in a bad Lifetime movie (to quote Joseph Conrad, "The horror! The horror!"). 

But I DO envy her confidence. One thing I noticed about Samantha was the way she walked into a room with her head held high, her shoulders back, and a confident smile on her face, as if she didn't care what other people thought of her. I remember one scene where she went to a bar by herself and walked in as if she owned the place. I would never have the nerve to go to a bar on my own. On the rare occasion I do go to a bar to meet a friend or a date, I walk in quietly, my head down, hoping that no one will stare at me because I'm convinced that my hair/outfit/makeup looks wrong.

Samantha was always able to strike up a conversation with any handsome guy in the room. I, on the other hand, am only able to talk comfortably to guys if I have no interest in them whatsoever or if they happen to be making my coffee at Starbucks (but that's only because I'm usually more interested in the coffee). 

She wasn't afraid to stand up for herself to people who judged her, excluded her, or mistreated her. I, on the other hand, write down witty comebacks that I wish I had the courage to say in person and create fictionalized versions of my real-life adversaries for my stories. 

I've always been an introvert, ever since I was a little girl. It's different when I'm teaching. That's the one place where I DO feel confident, because I actually know what I'm doing. But there's still an invisible line between the students and me; when I interact with them, it's obviously not the same as interacting with peers, friends, dates, or people who annoy me so much that I feel like karma is laughing at me every time they pop up. 

Samantha thrived as a publicist and at bars and parties. A life like that would be terrifying to me, because I've always felt uncomfortable at bars AND parties. (Incidentally, I thought I wanted to be a publicist when I was in college, but two internships in public relations made me think otherwise.)

But one good thing about being an introvert is that it made me more observant of other people and my surroundings. Since I'm often too shy to talk to people I don't know or am attracted to, it's made me less likely to get distracted and more likely to remember what I've seen and experienced, so that I can write about it later. I'm not saying that extroverts can't be observant too, because they can. And they can also be good writers, of course.

But for me, being an introvert inspired me to create and write about literary alter egos who were more brave and extroverted than I was. 

I must admit that sometimes, I still wish I could be like Samantha Jones, if only for a little while. (But I would never have broken up with Smith Jerrod, because have you SEEN what he looked like?) 

What about you? Do you identify with any fictional characters in particular? 

I Wish I Was Brave Enough...

1. To point and shriek "SHAME!" at the guy who served me cold pizza but offered to personally reheat the pizza slice of the girl behind me, who happened to be ten years younger and twenty pounds thinner than I am.

2. To tell my ex-crush how hurt and angry I felt when I showed up for what I thought was a date, only to find out he'd invited several of his friends to join us and then to sit there and listen to him tell me all about the woman he had a crush on (needless to say, it wasn't me).

3. To go up and talk to one of the cute guys at the gym where I work out, none of whom ever look at me, except the time I tripped over my shoelaces and fell face-down on an exercise mat.

4. To tell my relatives that there's nothing wrong with me just because I'm not a wife, a mother, or a "real" doctor.

5. To wear a swimsuit without keeping myself covered up with a towel or five feet of water the entire time.

6. To show my writing to more people.

7. To tell "friends" how I don't want to keep hearing about how much fun they have with their other friends, especially because they never invite me to join them.

8. To tell the other grad students who brag about fellowships, publications, and conference presentations that even though I haven't accomplished as much in academia as they have, they probably wouldn't last a day working at any of the retail jobs that I had.

9. To lock the classroom door so that the students who think it's okay to waltz in thirty (or forty) minutes late will learn to show up on time from now on.

10. To tell students' parents who complain about my rules or try to bully me into changing their kids' grades that it's time that they AND their kids GREW UP.

11. To tell the students who never taught a day in their lives yet claim that they can do my job better than I can that I wish I could be there when they try to treat their bosses with the same blatant disrespect.

12. To tell the people who hurt me that what they did WAS wrong, even though they show absolutely no remorse or act like they never did anything wrong at all.

Here's Sara Bareilles' song "Brave", which made me think of all the things that I wish I was brave enough to say out loud:




What about you? What do you wish you were brave enough to do?

What I Hope for

1. The day that I can open a magazine, read a newspaper, or turn on the TV and not read or hear a single word about the royal family. Seriously, I thought that the Americans declared their independence from the British more than two hundred years ago. So why are we so concerned with every move that William and Kate make? (No offense to the British or the royal family, though.) But unless the new royal baby turns out to be the real-life version of Harry Potter or James Bond, I don't really see what the big deal is.

2. Meeting a great guy who loves coffee, TV crime dramas, and judging annoying people as much as I do. It'd also be perfect if he DOESN'T want to date a girl who's young enough to be his daughter or his granddaughter. What is WRONG with these old guys? And what is it about me that makes me so appealing to seventy-year-old men?

3. Finishing my dissertation and then tossing it in the air like Mary Tyler Moore did with her hat in her TV show, or possibly setting it on fire because by the time I finish it I won't even want to look at the cursed thing anymore.

4. Completing my PhD and being done with grad school, so that I won't have to listen to the other grad students brag about their academic publications and conference presentations. Then I can go teach at a different school and listen to the other professors brag about their academic publications and conference presentations.

5. Finding out that those rate your professor websites where students bash their teachers online because they are angry about getting B-pluses or for being penalized for missing class twelve times in a row have shut down and can never be restarted.

6. Writing and publishing novels that people can relate to and that make them laugh out loud.

7. A life where I don't have to work two or three jobs at the same time just so that I'll have enough money to pay rent and buy staples, like milk and M&Ms. (I am and always will be a workaholic, but even I need some time off to relax, watch crime dramas, and track down the loser neighbor who's been stealing my magazines so that I can give her number to every telemarketer in the country.)

8. A family of my own, where I can be the mother to one or two little neurotic workaholics, who also obsess over the people who cut in front of them in line.

9. The time and the money to go to other countries, like Spain, England, and Ireland, so that I can visit the places where my favorite authors grew up, traveled to, and wrote.

10. Students who will never EVER complain about their grades, who will ALWAYS show up on time, who will never miss class, and who will come up to me one day and say, "You're right. Cell phones suck! I'm going to get rid of my cell phone and use all the money that I would've spent on my cell phone bill and apps to buy books. I'm also going to stop watching reality shows so that they'll all be cancelled. Then we will never have to see drunken hookups, catfights between people who are allegedly adults, or fake crying ever again."

Here's hoping....

What about you? What kinds of things do you hope for, or what kinds of things do you look forward to?

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
  I promise that I've been totally good this year, except when I saw my neighbor had left her white laundry in the washing machine for several hours and I held up my red shirt in a threatening manner over the machine and gave her the evil eye when she finally came in to get her laundry.

There's also the time I "accidentally" spilled some of my coffee on the Wi-Fi freeloaders who kept hogging tables for hours at my favorite cafe (apparently, their laptop bags need their own separate tables). But hey! It's not like I spilled the coffee on their heads! That's progress!

What would I like for Christmas? I would like one of those devices that interfere with cell phone signals. That way, I can turn it on whenever my students start paying more attention to their cell phones than to me during class. Then, when they realize that their phones aren't working, they'll look up with bewildered expressions on their faces and say, "Wait. Who am I?"

I would also like for your elves to make a tiny fire extinguisher that I can keep in my purse. That way, I can whip it out and spray it at the cigarettes of the people who blow smoke in my face.

I'd also like the money to hire people who could be a Greek chorus, like the ones in those Greek tragedies that stand off to the side and speak ominously about the characters. I'd get my own Greek chorus to follow my neighbors around, and then I'd get the chorus to make ominous speeches about obnoxious jerks who incur the wrath of the gods by keeping their neighbors up all night with their loud music, drunken parties, and carnal get-togethers (ahem).

I'd also like a new outfit that would make me look good, no matter how many gingerbread men I eat. Hey! You get to eat cookies! Why can't I? And by a new outfit, I don't mean my own Santa suit, because the only one who looks good in that is you. (And I mean that in the best way.)

I'd like for all students, including mine, to show up to class on time every day, complete their work on time, demonstrate their intelligence (and they ARE smart) in their papers by providing their own insight rather than just regurgitate the notes I gave during lectures, and never ever ever complain about their grades or blame me if they don't get A's. Because if you can make THAT happen, I promise I will not only sing "Oh Happy Day" in the streets for everyone to hear, I will stop being such a workaholic. (Well, I'll try, anyway. Okay, maybe I'll let myself take one day off a week. Or at least an afternoon.)

But most of all, Santa, I want the people in Newton, Connecticut to once again feel the happiness and peace that they were robbed of. I know that it will take a long time for them to feel that way, but I hope that eventually, they will feel it. If you can make THAT happen, you don't have to worry about getting me anything else on my list.

What about you? What's on your Christmas list?

Too Bad I'm Not a Millionaire

I recently filed my taxes, and when I was looking over my return, I thought, "Wow. I did not make a lot of money this year." I did work three jobs in 2011, but none of them paid very much; not to mention the government took a big chunk out of all my paychecks. Hmmmph.

I did, however, get my tax refund. It wasn't very big, but it was a nice little sum that I definitely needed. When the money from my federal and state refunds were deposited into my account, for one moment (okay, for several moments) I was tempted to spend it all on fun stuff that I don't really need. Here are a few examples:

I've never been to a real spa before, a place where I could get stuff like a facial and a massage, preferably from a really cute masseur. (And when I say "massage", I don't mean that in a Lifetime movie of the week kind of way; I mean an actual massage.) I think that getting a massage would be a good way to relieve stress.

But the only problem is that I think I am physically incapable of getting one. I once got a back massage from a masseuse who was doing them for free at Jamba Juice (jeez, now I don't just sound like I'm in a Lifetime movie; I kind of sound like I'm writing a letter to Penthouse). But I kept giggling because I am extremely ticklish, and the masseuse kept saying, "Just relax. You're tensing up." And all I could think was, Relax? Telling me to relax is like telling Superman to stop flying around and just take a cab! 

My passport expired a few months ago, but I didn't bother to renew it because I haven't traveled anywhere (except to visit my parents, who live in a different state, twice a year) in more than ten years. I don't really have the money or the time to go anywhere. But if I did, I'd love to visit New York City, because I've never been there before.I've heard that it's a lot more metropolitan than Chicago, which is a big city, but sometimes it feels like each neighborhood is a self-contained small town. I've read so many stories that are set in New York that I want to go and see the places that I've read about in person. I also have the feeling that if I went to New York, I'd be just like one of those tourists that sometimes (read: always) annoy me here in Chicago, the ones that lean their heads back and remark, "Wow! Them buildings sure are tall around here!"

I rarely go shopping for new clothes, unless the clothes or shoes I already have are literally worn out, or if I have a special event to go to, like a wedding, and I can't wear my jeans and T-shirts to it. I don't mind having to wear the same outfits again and again, at least not most of the time. But every once in a while, I feel envious of the women who can afford to buy nice clothes and shoes whenever they want. I don't really care about designer labels, but I do wish that I could buy nicer clothes, so that maybe people won't keep thinking that I'm a lot younger than I am. (You'd think that people mistaking me for being younger would be a good thing, and it is sometimes. But one reason I look young is that I don't wear sophisticated outfits like a lot of thirtysomething women do.)

I was walking by a store the other day, and I looked in the window and saw a really pretty purse that I wanted to buy. It was actually a messenger bag, the cool kind that would have room for stuff like my journals, wallet, and M&Ms that I eat when I need a sugar rush or when I want to fling them at annoying people. I was so tempted to buy it, but it cost sixty dollars. And for me, splurging on a new purse means buying a bag at JCPenney's post-Christmas sale once a year, for less than twenty dollars.

But of course, I didn't get any of these things. I followed personal finance journalist Donna Freedman's advice and spent most of my tax refund on sensible things: my Roth IRA yearly contribution (I don't EVER intend to retire, unless they make me do it, because really, what will I DO with myself if I don't get to work at all? That would just be MADNESS, I tell you! But I still figure it'd be a good idea to have my own retirement fund, even though it's still pretty small right now.), new contact lenses (I'm also going to use some of it to go to Lenscrafters for an eye exam, since I don't have regular health insurance), and credit card payments, and a chunk of it went into my emergency fund.

I did buy one "frivolous" thing, though: a new iPod. The last time I got a new one was six years ago, and I think you're supposed to replace iPods every three or four years. So my old iPod kept breaking down and freezing up even after I recharged it, to the point that I kept breaking down every time it happened, shrieking, "Why won't you let me listen to Britney, darn you!" (My new iPod works very nicely, which means I'm a lot less likely to start sobbing over pop music now.) And I need an iPod because I do a lot of commuting; I don't have a car, and when I run errands without using the bus or train, I walk. Being able to listen to music makes that stuff less tedious, and it also soothes me. That way, I'm less likely to start flinging M&Ms at annoying people when I go out.

What about you? What do you plan to spend your tax refund on?

Side note: Check out this song by singer Meiko; it's called "Stuck on You". I came across her music by accident when I was procrastinating on the Internet, and I really liked it. Her music is not only good to listen to; it's also good to write to.

Who and Where I Don't Want to Be in Five Years

The new year has made me think a lot more about my future, as well as mistakes that I've made in the past. (For example, the time I thought owning a wardrobe made up almost entirely of flannel shirts, ripped jeans, and "skorts" was a mistake.) 

Interviewers often ask job candidates, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" If I were really honest, I'd say, "I don't know." But I have thought a lot about where and who I don't want to be. Here are a few examples:

1. I don't want to be the type of person who keeps making excuses. One thing that bothers me about some undergrads (though not all of them are like this) is their refusal to take responsibility for their own actions. If they get a bad grade, they blame everyone else (particularly me) but themselves. They'll say stuff like, "I know I missed ten classes, but I think it's unfair that you expect us to show up every day." (I wish I could be there to hear them say stuff like that to their future employers.) Or they might say something like, "I can't afford to buy all the books for this class because I just got a new iPhone. And besides, I can just read Cliffsnotes."

It bothers me that some students won't admit that they didn't do what they were supposed to do, or that they didn't produce the best work that they could have produced. They blame me or make a bunch of excuses instead.

But then I realized that I sometimes made excuses too. I blamed the fact that I wasn't making as much progress on my dissertation as I should have on the fact that teaching and my website job took up so much time. It was true that I didn't have as much free time as I would have liked, but I also procrastinated a lot. Mindless Internet surfing is my worst habit.

More than once I'll find myself staring at my laptop for hours at a time, watching Youtube videos of dogs dancing on their hind legs or reading weird news articles, like the one about the athlete who injured himself while eating breakfast. I also have a bad habit of watching TV shows that I've already watched several times. I even watched shows that I don't even like, including one of the Kardashian spinoffs. (I couldn't sit through a whole episode, though; watching it made me want to start banging my head against the wall because I figured that would be less painful.)

Because of that, I am now behind on my dissertation. I have to face the fact that I might not complete my Ph.D. next year like I originally planned. And I feel awful that I haven't accomplished as much as my classmates have. I thought about why I kept procrastinating, and I realized that it was because I was scared that I wouldn't write something good, and sometimes it was because I didn't know what to say at all. I found myself unable to write anything when I sat down in front of my laptop. It was so much easier to watch another rerun of Friends instead.

But I don't want to be like that anymore. Now I am taking responsibility for my actions, and I need to stop making excuses all the time. I resolve to devote more time to my dissertation. Even if it does take me longer to finish my Ph.D., the important thing is that I finish it.

2. I don't want to be living in an overpriced, substandard apartment that I hate with neighbors I hate even more. Today I saw that one of my neighbors apparently coughed up an enormous loogie and wiped it on the wall of the elevator. I touched it out of curiosity before I realized what it was, because I'm a dodo head like that. And that is reason #487 why my neighbors drive me nuts.

I want to live in a nicer apartment with a landlord who doesn't believe that running water that doesn't turn brown and washing machines and dryers that actually work are unnecessary luxuries. I want to live in a place where my neighbors are quiet and considerate, and not the type of people who have loud parties almost every night and fall down drunk outside my apartment at 2 A.M. while squealing, "WHOOPSIE! I think I just fell down, hahahaha!"

3. I don't want to be the kind of person who never goes anywhere or never lets herself have fun. When I first moved to Chicago, I soaked up the city as much as I could. I went to concerts, plays, readings, museums, interesting neighborhoods, etc., etc. But now I hardly do anything fun. I could blame my work schedule and tiny checking account on that fact. (Side note: My life has become so humdrum that I actually had a dream the other night about doing laundry.)

But on the other hand, the fact that I rarely take advantage of what this city has to offer has made me focus more on the bad things about living here, like the inconsiderate drivers who come close to running me over because they're talking on their cell phones. That makes me want to scream, "Why don't you go someplace where you and your cell phone can be alone, JERK!"

I actually used to yell at bad drivers, because I got so mad at their carelessness and rudeness. I stopped when I realized that a) it was dangerous, because they just might come back with their cars, and b) screaming at them made me look even worse than they did. I realized that I was taking out my frustration on them because I was working too hard. (But drivers who care more about their cell phones than about making sure they don't run anyone down still bother me.)

So now when things get a little too much and I feel like screaming again, I try to set aside time to do something that's just for me, like work on my novel in a coffeehouse or go to the Art Institute on one of its free admission days. Even though it means sacrificing time that could be spent on my work, I always end up feeling better as a result. And I think that makes me do better at my jobs, too.

What about you? Who or where do you not want to be in the next five years?

My Christmas Gift to Myself

I just started my Christmas shopping this week, because I've been writing my dissertation, teaching, grading papers, meeting with my professors and students, working extra hours for my website job, and watching Law and Order reruns. I only go shopping on weekdays; it's easier and less crowded during the week rather than the weekend, when most of the tourists come out. That way, I'm much less likely to start head-butting any tourists that get in my way.

This year, I've decided to give a small gift to myself, because I've been going through some difficult situations lately. Not to sound too materialistic or anything, but I think that a Christmas gift might make me feel better.

I've been thinking about all the things that are on my Christmas wish list. Here are a few examples:

The guys from The Big Bang Theory would move in next door. I think they'd be fun to hang out with, and they'd always be up for eating takeout with me. They could also probably fix my laptop for me, like one of them did for Penny, the girl next door. Since they're all so smart, they could probably build a new computer for me.

A handsome, respectful, and kind guy (perhaps one who looks like Josh Kloss, the guy from the Katy Perry video) who says stuff like, "I hate it when girls are too thin. More chocolate?"

Free coffee for a year. Or better yet, my own personal Starbucks cafe, and only the people who don't camp out with their laptops while nursing one cup of coffee for four hours will be allowed to hang out there. And there won't be any rude guys trying to steal my table by putting their laptops on it after I get up for two seconds to grab a napkin. And there will always be enough glazed doughnuts, because whenever Starbucks runs out of them, I'm tempted to bite the hand of the person who takes the last doughnut, as well as the hands of the guys who try to take my table (I don't, though. But if I was a vampire, I would.)

But since I can't have any of these things, I decided to give myself one thing that I can have: time to write. I haven't worked on my novel in weeks, partly because of the difficult situations going on in my life, and partly because I've had so much work to do. Writing has always been very soothing and therapeutic for me, and it's the one thing that always makes me happy. So I think that one reason I've been so stressed out lately is because I haven't had time to write.

I went to a coffeehouse and wrote more than a thousand words, and I felt better than I had in a long time. It felt good to do something that was just for me,  and it only cost a few bucks.

What about you? What's on your Christmas wish list?

If There Were No Negative Consequences

1. I'd blow off my other work and spend hours writing fiction every day.

2. I'd go up to the people who camp out at the coffeehouses with their laptops and their cups of coffee that they finished drinking two hours before and say, "Are you going to let other people sit down, like, EVER?"

3. I'd rent a car and go on a cross-country road trip, especially because I haven't traveled anywhere for fun since college. I'd take a lot of pictures, and I'd write about everything. I'd go to New York City and be just like all those tourists who bug the hell out of me here in Chicago. I'd wear one of those Statue of Liberty hats and really big sneakers and point at things.

4. I'd take the laundry that my neighbors leave in the washing machines and dryers for hours after they're done, and throw it out on the lawn, preferably when it's snowy or rainy out. Or better yet, I'd wait until it's really icy out, so that when my neighbors came running out to fetch the laundry, they'd slide down the sidewalk, shrieking, while clutching their sweatshirts and underwear.

5. I'd go up to the nice graduate student who I've had a crush on for years and ask him out on a date.

6. I'd track down all the mean customers I encountered when I worked in the Expensive Clothing Store. I'd find the ones who held up the lines and insisted that I refold their clothes until they were perfect (some would yell insults at me and make me refold the clothes two or three times while I tried not to cry) before I put their purchases in their bags. I'd go through their drawers and closets and throw all their clothes on the floor, and then I'd yell, "Refold that, MEANIES! Ha!"

7. I'd travel through Europe and visit the hometowns of famous authors, like James Joyce, Jane Austen, and Charlotte Bronte.

8. I'd go up to the cliques that inevitably form in grad school, particularly the ones that made me feel bad because I wasn't invited to the party that apparently everyone else in the planet went to. I'd say, "High school is over. GROW UP."

9. I'd skip the gym for a week and spend the time that I would've spent exercising on all the things I never have time for anymore, like look at paintings in the Art Institute, go to inexpensive plays in tiny theaters, and walk around my favorite neighborhoods.

10. I'd find a way to raise money for schools so that they could increase the salary of every teacher. That way no one will ever have to say, "Teachers are underpaid." Then I'd go up to the people who criticized my choice of profession and said, "You do realize you will never be rich, right? Why don't you do something more lucrative?" I'd say to them, "Why don't you use all your money to buy yourself a new personality?"

What about you? If you could do whatever what you wanted and you didn't have to worry about the consequences, what would you do?

All I Want for Christmas Is a Personal Assistant

Even though I mocked celebrities in my last blog post for being rich enough to have personal assistants who have their own assistants, I must admit that I wouldn't mind having a personal assistant. I've been pretty stressed out since school started, because I often have to spend more time on my teaching responsibilities than I do on my graduate work.

One reason is that several of my students apparently believe that I never sleep and that I live in my office, which would explain why they e-mail me several times a week and get upset if I don't respond right away. It would also explain why some of them set up multiple appointments to discuss the same paper and then proceed to either not show up or show up twenty minutes late (and then they request more appointments). As a result, I have fallen behind on my dissertation, which makes me feel like I'm going to be in graduate school FOREVER.

So it would be nice to have a personal assistant. It would definitely help to have someone take care of the things that I never have enough time to do, like pick up my dry cleaning, vacuum my apartment, do my grocery shopping, and get rid of the spiders that invade my apartment every time I open my windows because it's like ninety degrees in here and the landlord claims my screens can't be fixed so that I'm screaming "EEEEEEK" at least seventy percent of the time.

Maybe if I had a personal assistant, I wouldn't have to spend so much of my free time "working", i.e., doing household chores and running errands. And then I wouldn't have so much trouble falling asleep at night, because my mind often keeps me awake even though my body is exhausted; I can't relax because I keep thinking of all the stuff that I still need to get done.

On the other hand, maybe it would be better to have a bodyguard instead of a personal assistant. He'd be really big and strong and have a tough-sounding name, like Thor. Then Thor could protect me from strangers on the train when I commute and when I go out at night. He could also make my morning commute a lot less irritating.

For example, during the morning rush hour, the trains are always packed with people who don't get off the train until after MY stop. Even though it is clear that the train is already too crowded, there are always people at the next stop who insist on shoving their way onto the train and yelling at the rest of us to move. Then I end up with my face pressed against someone's shoulder (and can I just say that there are too many people who don't shower on a regular basis?) or I end up elbowing people's faces (although I must admit that sometimes that's intentional if they refuse to let me sit down because it's more important for their bags to have their own seat).

If I had a bodyguard, he could stand by the doors with his arms crossed and then give the death stare to the people who think that a crowded train should be even MORE crowded; he'd glare at them and say, "I don't THINK so." And then they'd back away slowly and decide to walk to work from now on.

There are a few other things that I would like for Christmas. I hate talking on the phone and I hate texting even more, which is why I haven't updated my cell phone in several years. On the other hand, it would be nice to have a Blackberry or a Smartphone. Then, when my students start texting in class, I could send them video messages that say stuff like, "HEY! I'm WATCHING you! PAY ATTENTION!" Or maybe Thor could raise his giant hand and say "STOP!" And then they'd quickly put their phones away and never text again.

You know what else would be cool? A personal chef. Then I wouldn't have to shop in the frozen foods section anymore, and I wouldn't have to worry about setting my clothes on fire. I'd probably be able to eat healthier foods too, and as a result I'd lose weight and feel better. And maybe my personal chef could taste foods that he or she doesn't make for me, just to make sure that the food isn't poisonous or just plain icky. Besides, Thor needs to eat, too.

What about you? What's on your Christmas list?

One of my favorite bloggers, Talli Roland, has a new book out on Kindle, titled The Hating Game. Go to Amazon.com and check it out! (The paperback version comes out in March 2011.) Congratulations, Talli!

Side note: Even though I rarely go to movies, there is one movie that I'm definitely going to watch in 2011. Check out this trailer for Jane Eyre, which is also one of my favorite books. Doesn't it make you wish it was coming out right now?

The Paths (I Wish) I Could Have Taken

I've been feeling really burned out on teaching and graduate work lately, and by lately, I mean the past several years. In my heart I still want to be a professor, but sometimes I think about what my life could have been like if I'd become something different.

When I was a kid, I thought I could do anything and be anyone. I didn't think about all the reasons I couldn't. I just had these dreams and believed that I could make them come true someday. I have to admit that one of my childhood fantasies was to be Cinderella:

But I wouldn't dance in glass slippers, because that would, you know, hurt. And I'd want a Prince Charming who was just a little bit smarter too. I mean, I wouldn't want a guy who'd set out to find me and decide he's going to marry the girl who has the same shoe size as me. No. I'd want a Prince Charming who'd decide he's going to marry the girl who has the same face as me. (Unless, of course, I really do have an evil doppelganger out there who is plotting to take over my life. I'm pretty sure I saw her buying french fries the other day and I swear she was WATCHING me...) But I digress.

Now that I'm older, I don't want to be Cinderella anymore, but there are other things that I might have liked to do instead. For example, I became a workaholic at age five. One of my favorite pastimes as a kid was cleaning and organizing my room. (I think the "nerd" gene must have multiplied in me or something.) So I think it would have been cool to become a doctor, because the nature of the medical profession would pretty much require that I be a workaholic anyway.

And I admire doctors for their dedication to helping people and saving lives. I think that anyone who goes through the long, arduous process of becoming a doctor must really be passionate about the medical field and making a difference.

I'd be known as the doctor who developed the cure for hiccups, or the doctor who proved that you really CAN lose weight by eating pizza and not exercising. The only thing is I'm terrified of blood. I can't even watch horror movies without covering my eyes and shrieking, "AAAAAHHHH! Is it over? Is it -- AHHHH!! Why do more people keep going into the basement if none of them ever come back up? And OH NO! They're opening the door and AHHHHH!!! Where'd that guy get a chainsaw?"

It also would have been cool to be a dancer. I've watched professional dancers who moved with complete and utter joy on their faces, as if the only place they ever wanted to be was on stage.

The only thing is I'm not very graceful. I'd probably mess up one of the dance moves and then bump into one of the other dancers, and start some kind of dancing domino effect. And then the shrieking would probably start up again. And maybe the other dancers would get so frustrated that they'd toss me off the stage, and I'd fall into the laps of people in the audience, get up, and then fall again. Only this time I'd land on members of the orchestra and possibly break their instruments, and then people would REALLY start shrieking, and....

Yeah. I don't think I could maintain the level of concentration required to be a dancer. Not for that long, anyway.

I've also had this fantasy of playing in a rock band. I like the idea of putting my stories to music and performing them for people and watching them dance to my songs. I think it'd be fun to perform with other members of the band and let the music just fill me up.

But I have no musical talent whatsoever. Dogs howl when I start singing. And I can play a couple instruments, yet the only songs I can play without messing up are "Chopsticks" and "Hot Cross Buns". And those aren't exactly dance tunes.

The one dream I've had that's never changed (and probably never will) is to be a writer. Even if I never get published, I'm still going to keep writing, because I can't imagine a life without writing. It's the one goal in my life that I've never questioned. When I write, in a way I can live out my dreams because I can become any person I want to be, go wherever I want to go, and meet new and interesting people. I can create this whole other life for myself where I don't have the urge to yell at anyone in public because they were rude or inconsiderate, where I can find a way to address the problems that come up without feeling so lost and scared sometimes, and where I can just be happy.

How about you? When you think about the path that you're on right now, is there any path that you sometimes wish you could have taken instead?

Dancing in the Street

One thing I've noticed when I go to work in the morning is how glum people look. They look like they're about to get their cavities filled at the dentist's office, or like they just finished watching a Keeping up with the Kardashians marathon. No one talks to each other; they're just focused on getting to their destination.

Once a random guy passed me on the street and said, "Good morning!" I didn't respond but looked at him suspiciously. I thought, What's HIS problem?

Sometimes, though, I get the urge to dance along to the music I listen to on my iPod as I'm walking around outside. It reminds me of when I was a kid, and I used to skip along the sidewalk just because I felt like it. Do you ever feel that way? When you hear a Lady Gaga song, don't you also feel the urge to put on oddly shaped clothes and just start dancing? Because I do.

But I don't. There are a few people who dance along to the music on their iPods, but other people usually avert their gaze and cross the street to avoid them. But I think that people would be even just a little bit happier if they could just dance in the street when they felt like it.

Check out this scene from one of my favorite movies, 500 Days of Summer. I love this movie not just because of the great acting, but because the writing's even better. I believe that the love story is most people's favorite story, and I like this movie's story because it portrays love without all the cliches.

In this scene, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is dancing on his way to work, and everyone else starts dancing too. Okay, maybe he's dancing because he just got lucky (wink, wink), but still.



There are other things that I feel like doing, but I don't do. I do what I'm supposed to do instead. And yet I think it would make me feel better if I actually did them.

For example, there's this group of people who hang out at my favorite coffeehouse. They are there for hours every day. They treat the coffeehouse like it's their own living room, because they have no consideration for the other customers. They yell greetings to their friends entering the cafe; they raise their voices and argue with each other on a regular basis, and they take up several tables even if there are only a few of them there. I don't expect a coffeehouse to be quiet, but I would like to be able to sit and relax without feeling the urge to fling my coffee in their direction.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if this coffeehouse wasn't within walking distance to my apartment, so I have to go further away just to buy a cup of coffee. (And I can't make it at home, because I like iced coffee and I don't have a blender. Or ice. Or a coffee maker, for that matter.) I contacted management about these people; the manager gave me a coupon for a free drink and said he'd talk to the people in charge. But I still see them there.

Sometimes, I wish I could walk over to them, slam my hands down on their table, and yell, "SHUT UP! You are NOT the only ones here!" And then maybe I'd knock over their drinks or spit in them or something. But I don't.

I work every day, even on weekends. Even if I don't have to teach that day, I still have my graduate work to do, plus my job for a website. But occasionally, I feel the urge to play hooky and do something else. I think about going to a movie (I only see about two or three movies a year), so that I could enjoy the luxury of an empty theater in the middle of the day. I think about going to Shedd Aquarium and making fish faces at the fish to see if they'll recognize me as one of them. I think about spending the whole day writing. I think about letting myself stop so that I could just breathe, so that I could think about something besides work for once. But I don't.

What do you wish that you could do? If you don't do it, then what holds you back?

Holding my tongue

I think that one advantage that kids have over adults is that they typically feel freer to say exactly what they're thinking. For example, you usually don't hear adults say stuff like, "You're mean! I hate you!" or "You look like the monster hiding under my bed!" or "Your voice is so weird that even Alvin and the Chipmunks would laugh at you!"

But most adults aren't like that. We don't always say what we think, because we don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Or maybe it's because we're afraid of what others will think of us. Once we say it out loud, we can't take it back.

Here are a few examples of things that I was thinking over the past few days and wished I could have said out loud, but I didn't.

To the guy who sat next to me on the train:
Me: Wow, it's really crowded today. Everyone on the train is squished together. I'm just going to move over to this other seat.

What I wanted to say: Looks like someone needs to trim his nosehairs. And by the way? Unless you want to get slapped with your own hand, you'll stop pressing your leg against mine.

To the neighbor who left three loads of laundry in three dryers for more than two hours after the loads were completed, thus preventing me from using any of them.
Me: I was wondering whose laundry that was. I've been waiting for a while to use the dryers, and I really need to get my own laundry done.

What I wanted to say: Do you want your laundry to be thrown out on the front lawn? Because it will happen if you do this again.

To the barista taking my drink order at Starbucks:
Me: I'll take a Frappuccino and a doughnut, please.

What I wanted to say: I really want two doughnuts, but I'm afraid that you and the customers will be silently judging me for eating too much. And then I'll never be able to come back to this Starbucks again and I'll start having nightmares of people throwing doughnuts at me.

To the female acquaintance showing me her new outfit:
Me: What a nice shirt! I think it looks great.

What I wanted to say: Richard Simmons called. He wants his shirt back.

To the cute guy standing behind me in line at the grocery store:
Me: (nothing)

What I wanted to say: I really wish I wasn't holding a copy of Cosmopolitan right now. You didn't, uh, read the headlines on it, did you? Because I'm just buying this for the, uh, fashion tips. I wish there was a way to discreetly turn to the article in here on how to talk to cute guys without making them think I have "issues".

To the guy talking to his friends as I was walking by:
Guy: And there are all these people doing Satan's bidding right here on Earth! (I swear I'm not making that line up.)

Me: (nothing)

What I wanted to say: Does watching the Jersey Shore count as doing Satan's bidding? Because if that's the case, then I'm definitely going to hell.


What about you? Is there anything that you wish you could say out loud?


The amazing writer and blogger Lisa Maliga's new book, Notes from Nadir, is now out on Kindle! Be sure to check it out. I've included Amazon.com's description of her book below:

Notes from Nadir is Lisa Maliga's fictionalized tale of discovering that the past is never quite through with you -- even if you think it is. She's a determined writer who leaves her Midwestern home to become a Hollywood screenwriter. After years of working a series of temp jobs and almost making it in Los Angeles, financial troubles force her return to the flyover country she's renamed Nadir.

Lisa moves in with her ailing Mom, tries to find work, meets her relatives, and attempts to adapt to a much smaller city filled with memories of her younger, more hopeful self.

If noon is Zenith then Nadir is 6:30. And it was 6:29 and counting down. Way down.

For more information on Lisa's book and how to access it through Kindle, check out her blog.

Also check out Theresa Milstein's Halloween Haunting, where you'll get the chance to win a free book, read new blogs, and get new followers!

The Inventor

There are a lot of cool inventions out there. The iPod, for example, while totally expensive, is a great resource for a commuter like me. When I'm walking around on the street, I can turn it on and drown out the sounds of horns honking, people yelling at each other, and the guy who wears a sandwich board with his "predictions" printed on it and walks around with a megaphone claiming that the world is going to end and that the aliens are trying to communicate with us through our debit cards.

I've never really tried to invent anything on my own, though I do have a few ideas. For example, while I can understand the need for car alarms, I've found that they come with several problems. People in the city don't typically have driveways; they either park their cars in the street or in parking garages. So if their car alarm goes off, they could be blocks away and not hear it.

Many of them have installed the kind of alarm that emits several different-sounding alarms, aka How to Annoy Strangers without Even Trying, so the sound goes something like this: "WOOOOEEEEWOOOEEEWOOO.....BAMBAMBAMBAM...BEEEPBEEEPBEEEP....WOOOOEEEWOOOOEEEWOOO...." The alarms can go on for several minutes or hours, to the point that people like me who are subjected to listening to it are banging on the windows of their apartments and screaming, "Enough with the madness already!"

That's why I think that the car alarm should be modified, so that if your alarm goes off, your keychain starts lighting up (or have they invented that already?). Better yet, they should somehow find a way to put a tiny fist inside of the key chain, so that when the alarm goes off and the person fails to turn it off right away, the fist will come out of the chain, magically grow into a giant fist, and knock him out.

I've complained in more than one post about how some of my neighbors love their music SO MUCH that they believe that the entire building should listen to it. So they blast their music at top volume for hours, no matter what time of day it is. I think that there should somehow be a volume limit to music players, so that if the volume gets too high the volume will automatically be lowered, and then the song will switch from the death metal that my neighbors love so much to Kenny G, and will be incapable of being switched back. Or turned off.

Several of my neighbors are also incredibly lazy and leave their trash lying around in the hallway rather than put it in the garbage chute or the dumpster outside; some of them don't even bother to bag their junk. (And that is why I have a bug problem in my apartment, and I'm trying to figure out a way to gather up all the bugs and set them loose in my neighbors' apartments.)

So I wish there was some way that if they tried to leave their trash on the floor again, the trash would somehow get stuck to their clothes, and it would be impossible to remove, and that even if they tried to take off their clothes, their skin would suddenly be covered with tattoos that say "Loser Neighbor" and "This is what laziness looks like". Or maybe the trash could somehow come to life and chase them down the hallway, out of the apartment building, across the city, and into Lake Michigan.

I saw an episode of Felicity a few years ago where the professor locked students out of the classroom if they showed up late. I can't do that, partly because I'd probably get in trouble but mainly because there aren't any locks on the classroom doors.

But when students show up twenty, thirty, or even forty minutes late, despite my warnings about their grades being lowered, I start wishing for some kind of invisible force field that would spring up in the classroom doorway, so that if they tried to get in the room they would be blocked from doing so. And then they would get sucked into a parallel dimension where the only way to find their way back would be by doing all the assignments they haven't completed or turned in on time in my class, which means they'd be stuck in that parallel dimension forever.

The question, though, is how to invent all of these things. But don't worry. I'm working on it.

By the way, Allie Howell gave me the Blog with Substance award a couple months ago, but I never thanked her! Sorry about that Allie! But thank you so much for the award! And check out her blog, You're only as tall as your heart will let you be.

Things to Do Before I Turn 40

As anyone reading this blog knows, I love making lists. But one list that I've never made is one of those Things to Do Before I Turn... lists. No offense against anyone who has made one, because, on the one hand, it's good to set goals for yourself and to write down what your dreams are. But on the other hand, I think it's putting too much pressure on yourself. When I get older and look over my list, I don't want to start weeping and think, "Oh, no, I never DID find the cure for hiccups! I'm a FAILURE!"

But I'm going to turn thirty next year, which makes me feel old. And if you really want to feel old, try teaching on a college campus where you're surrounded by young people. It makes me want to go out and inject myself with Botox right now. Well, not really. I'd probably flinch right as they were doing it and then they'd zap my face wrong, and then I'd probably end up looking really stunned for the rest of my life.

I figure that since it's only a few months before I turn thirty, I should probably give myself more time and make a Things to Do Before I Turn 40 list instead; that way I have at least ten years. And if you read over my list below, I think you'll see that I can TOTALLY get this done in ten years. Maybe even less than that.

1. Write and publish a novel.

2. Have my neighbors sent off to the Point of No Return, aka a place for all the annoying people. Make them listen to nothing but Justin Bieber songs all day, until they're falling to their knees, sobbing, "Make it STOP!Make it STOP!" Meanwhile, I'll be cackling maniacally and saying, "What's that? Did you say you wanted MORE Justin Bieber songs? Okay! Hahahahaha!"

3. See a Shakespeare play in London.

4. Buy Silly String so that the next time some loser guys drive up beside me when I'm walking down the street and try to get me into their car, I can spray them with Silly String, and then throw the cans at them and dent their foreheads.

5. Finish my Ph.D.

6. Get the politicians and the other lawmakers to see the creation of shows like The Real World and The Bachelor as a crime, so that the people who came up with those shows (as well as the people who star on them) will all be arrested. Then we will never have to be subjected to drunken hookups or spoiled rich kids fighting on TV ever again.

7. Live in a city outside of Chicago, or even outside of Illinois, because I've lived in the Midwest my whole life and want to find out what life is like in other parts of the world.

8. Steal the shoes of every person who tries to cut in front of me in line, and then throw them out on the street and say, "Try cutting in front of someone without your shoes! Ha!" And then somehow find a way to also steal their pants.

9. Find a guy I can just be with, so that I never have to go on a bad first date ever again.

10. Track down every person who was ever mean to me in high school, look them in the eye, and say, "PBBBBBPTHH!"

11. Get a good teaching job that pays enough so that I don't have to work one or two other jobs and so I can actually do something besides work and sleep.

12. Get the weird, loud people who hang out at the coffeehouse by my apartment every single day banned from the coffeehouse permanently so that I never have to listen to their high-pitched arguments again. Then have them sent off to a place where the only thing to do is watch taped performances of Riverdance.

13. Take a cooking class so that I'll never come close to burning my apartment down when I cook again.

14. Attach alarm clocks to all of my students' faces so that they will show up on time for class.

15. Become fluent in a foreign language, and visit the country where that language is spoken.

16. Take away the cell phones from all the people who talk incessantly and loudly on them in public. Then point and laugh at them when they suddenly realize that they no longer know what their purpose in life is.

17. Adopt a dog from an animal shelter.

18. Find a way to program cell phones so that any guy who thinks it's okay to wait several weeks after the first date to call me will somehow get zapped by the cell phone. That way all of his hair will fall out, including his eyebrows.

19. Have a one-on-one conversation about writing with one of my favorite authors, like Amy Tan, Jen Lancaster, Dave Barry, or Steve Almond. Or better yet, have a conversation about writing with all of them together. (Can you imagine what that conversation would be like?)

20. Hypnotize my students into becoming terrified of Facebook, Twitter, and texting, so that they will never try to update their pages or send text messages during my classes again, and will subsequently run away screaming from every laptop and cell phone they see.

What about you? Do you have any goals you'd like to accomplish before you reach a certain age?