What I Learned from Ice-T, Or, Why My Ex Threatened Me

The Model moved out West. He wrote a book. And he threatened me.

He's written a book that he's self-publishing on lulu.com (have any of you heard of that site?), and he most likely will sell thousands of copies due to his large following on Instagram.

I made it through several months without looking at either his Instagram page or his girlfriend's page. But one night, I was thinking about him and curious to see what he was up to, so I checked out his page. It showed that he'd taken off on a road trip without her, leaving her to take care of his cat no less, and decided on a whim to make a permanent move out West...without her. He once told me that  several companies and apps pay him to promote their products on Instagram, due to his large following. Therefore, his "job" does not keep him in the Midwest because he can technically do it anywhere. And yet, even though he left her, she did not break up with him. I checked out her page, and although she hasn't posted any new pictures of them together since September, she did post several pictures of the western state he'd moved to during Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I knew that she must have gone to visit him during the holidays.

During Christmas, I had a rough time while I was visiting my parents for my biannual week-long visit. My mother went off on one of her rampages, screaming and crying at me while one of her acquaintances was in the next room. My father and sibling blamed me, as usual, even though I literally did not say or do anything to provoke her; she was just in one of her moods, and I am her favorite emotional dumping ground. Sibling was unsympathetic, as usual, and said that it was my bad personality that provoked her. While I was getting into the car to run an errand, my father came out to the driveway and screamed at me in front of the neighbors, shaking his finger at me and saying that it was all my fault that she was like that and that I needed to change the way I acted.

Therefore, I wasn't in a good mood either. At that moment, it infuriated me that I was working two jobs, seven days a week, with no days off for months at a time, while the Model earned more money in one day than I did in a week just from his Instagram posts. I still felt angry that he got away with using me to cheat on his girlfriend, and she was more than happy to keep her head stuck in the sand.

One night while I was still visiting my parents, I was in the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A. I drafted a text to the Model where I finally wrote out everything I'd been wanting to say to him for months. I wrote  how the way he betrayed both her and me was cruel and wrong, and that it wasn't okay for him to treat people like this, especially because his Instagram followers constantly sent him adoring messages, which he often posts online to show how much people adore him. They think that he's this "nice guy" and thank him for "inspiring" them because he posts inspirational quotes from self-help books and talks about his own "struggles". I think they're inspired not by what he quotes/writes but by the way his butt looks in his pictures (he likes to pose for selfies in his underwear), but I digress. I also think they send him those messages thanking him for inspiring them not because they're actually inspired by what he wrote but because they want an excuse to talk to him.

I didn't mean to send it to him. I was just venting to myself. But I was holding my phone when a restaurant employee approached my car to take my order, and I accidentally hit send on the text I'd drafted.

I didn't think the Model would answer, especially since he ignored my messages last summer when I texted to say that I'd found out he'd used me to cheat on his live-in girlfriend two weeks before he took her to Mexico for her birthday. But he did text back this time. Instead of responding with an apology, he responded by threatening me. He said that he would send my messages to the department heads at my job. He said he would also post them on his Instagram story; my guess is that he would have started an online hate campaign against me and encourage his followers to cyber bully me. I know he would have done it because he's done it before to a couple other people he's had a beef with, and his deluded followers who literally beg him for his attention on all of his posts are more than happy to do whatever he wants. He wrote, "Don't start a war you can't finish."

At that moment, any lingering romantic feelings I had for him were replaced with hate. His nasty threats made me see him for the vicious, vindictive sociopath he really is. I thought he really would send my messages to my bosses, although to be honest, I don't think that would have gotten me in trouble with them. After all, I only confronted him over how much he hurt me, and although it would have been embarrassing for my bosses to know about what happened, it's not the kind of thing that would have cost me my job. I spoke to a few other professors that I'm friendly with in the department, and they assured me that my bosses wouldn't even care. But he knows how important my work is to me. I gave up almost everything else in my life that mattered for my work, and I'll be damned if I let him take away the one thing I have left. If he ever did try to destroy my career and reputation like he threatened to do, I'd fight back in full force because I'm stronger than he ever gave me credit for.

I felt tempted to send a DM to his girlfriend on Instagram and tell her what he did, but he blocked me from both her page and his own before I could. I used to feel guilty that I never told her the truth. But now I think it wouldn't have made a difference. If she's foolish enough to stay with him even after he moved out of her apartment and into a new one thousands of miles away from her just because he felt like it, then she most likely would not leave him even after finding out that he cheated on her. I think that one reason he chose her over me is that she lets him walk all over her. I stood up to him, and she never will. I don't understand why any woman would do that, but then again I did let him treat me badly during the time that I was with him.

I think that the Model is selfish. That's why he cheated on his girlfriend with me, and that's why he doesn't care that he hurt me. That's why he took off on a road trip without her and moved thousands of miles away from her. By living that far away, he's able to do whatever (and possibly whomever) he wants more easily, without her finding out. He often writes on his page about the importance of "putting yourself first", and I think it shows that he doesn't care how his actions affect anyone else.

I read something that the actor and musician Ice-T wrote on Twitter (and pardon the language, but I think it really relates to what I've gone through), and it made me feel better: "Sometimes, it doesn't work out with someone because they're a piece of shit, who deserves a piece of shit, and you're not a piece of shit."

What about you? Have you ever confronted an ex?

P.S. You might say that I should cut ties with my parents and sibling. But it's complicated. For one thing, look at Meghan Markle. She does not talk to her half-brother, half-sister, or father, and they have responded by selling hateful stories and lies about her to every sleazy tabloid that will pay them while claiming that THEY are the victims (insert puking sounds here). She wants to move on with her life and enjoy it with her husband, and they are all determined to spoil her happiness. But at the very least, I only make brief visits to my parents twice a year, and I do not talk to Sibling unless I have to, which is rare.

P.P.S. Don't worry. I won't contact the Model again, and it's not just because he blocked me. It really is time for me to move on with my life. I don't want to be like his girlfriend, who lets him get away with everything, nor do I want to be like his adoring followers, who only see what they want to see when it comes to him. I want to be better than that. I want to be better than all of them. And I'm sorry for the dark nature of this post. I've written a more lighthearted one on online dating for next week, and it'll be back to regularly scheduled programming.

All I Want for Christmas

1. Is to have the money to hire someone to clean my apartment, preferably someone who looks like Joe Manganiello and who flexes his muscles and bends over a lot when he cleans.

2. Is to get through one visit to my parents' house without my mother criticizing my looks/my clothes/my job/the fact that I'm still single.

3. Is to be able to eat a piece of cheesecake or pizza without cursing myself for it on the scale the next day.

4. Is to get through one visit to my parents' house without my father trying to control where I drive my car/how I should do my job/where I should live and work next.

5. Is to pay off my student loans before my students are old enough to retire.

6.  Is for students to spend more time reading books than whatever is on their cell phones.

7. Is for Donald Trump to SHUT UP and GO AWAY.

8. Is for my double-parking, space-stealing, loud-partying, chain-smoking, mooching off their parents neighbors to be forced to live with Voldemort, Donald Trump, and Mama June.

9. Is a life where I only have to work one job instead of two or three.

10. Is to have more time to write.

What about you? What do you want for Christmas?

Christmas: Kids vs. Adults

1. When I was a kid, I spent hours building snow forts and having snowball fights with other kids in my neighborhood.

2. Now that I'm an adult, I spend hours standing in line and shopping for Christmas gifts, while steering clear of the other adults who are apparently willing to FIGHT TO THE DEATH for the newest electronic gadget or the last Elsa doll. Lest you think I'm exaggerating, I've seen many adults get into screaming matches or bare their teeth at each other, with wild looks in their eyes, as they race to get to the merchandise first. (I mean, really? Frozen was just a movie. I know it's easy for me to say since I don't have children and don't have to deal with them if I don't get them the presents that they want. I know that their kids might be disappointed if they don't get the Frozen toys they wanted, but maybe it's time that people should just "let it go." Sorry. I couldn't resist.)

3. When I was a kid, I sang along to the theme songs of TV movies like How the Grinch Stole Christmas and Frosty the Snowman.

4. Now that I'm an adult, I roll my eyes and change the channel when those same TV movies preempt the episode of CSI or Law and Order: SVU that I wanted to watch.

5. When I was a kid, we ate homemade Christmas cookies that other kids brought for the rest of the class to share.

6. Now that I'm an adult, I can't bake anything without burning it, so I buy Christmas cookies that vendors claim is just as good as homemade cookies in order to rationalize charging too much money for them.

7. When I was a kid, I hated the Christmas Day outfits that my mother made me wear, because they were usually uncomfortable, itchy, or clothes that she liked, not clothes that I liked.

8. Now that I'm an adult, I pay for and pick out my own Christmas Day outfits, which is why my mother will usually look at them and say, "Oh. Is that what you're wearing today?"

9. When I was a kid, I could hardly wait until Christmas morning, so that I could open my presents.

10. Now that I'm an adult, I can hardly wait until Christmas break is over, so that I can go back to work.

What about you? Was Christmas more fun for you when you were a kid, or is it more fun for you now that you're an adult?

Thankful

1. I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head and that I can pay the rent on my own apartment. I'm also thankful that even though I have to share a building with my neighbors, I don't have to share my studio with them. This is important because at least one of them threw up in the laundry room and left the vomit there.

2. I'm thankful that I don't have to cook Thanksgiving dinner for anyone, because then they would have to see me accidentally set my clothes on fire (which is what happened the last time I tried to cook something). Then they would have to eat burnt pizza, because somehow I still manage to burn frozen pizza almost every time.

3. I'm thankful for writing and the blank pages of my journal, which I can fill with short stories, ideas for novels, and statements like, "I had another dream where I was working the whole time. I think I really am incapable of relaxing, even in my sleep."

4. I'm thankful that even after teaching hundreds of students over the course of several years, teaching is something that I still love to do. It is one of the few things that I can do with confidence. I admit that I've tripped and fallen flat on my face in front of my students on more than one occasion, but I popped back up and kept teaching with confidence (and a sore face).

5. I'm thankful that Twitter has given me a new outlet; it's fun to Tweet whenever I want. And I like reading other people's humorous and interesting Tweets. It makes the commute more bearable, which is good because then I'm much less likely to start throwing things at the people who blast their music on their headphones.

6. I'm thankful that I live in Chicago, a city that I've loved ever since I moved here. I also love that it's basically a requirement to eat deep-dish pizza here, because what kind of Chicagoan would you be if you didn't like the pizza? (And I'm still mad at Jon Stewart for insulting my city's pizza. I'd throw a pizza at his face, but then I wouldn't get to eat the pizza.)

7. I'm thankful for good books and the authors who write them. I wish I could meet more of these authors and do that Wayne and Garth thing where I throw myself at their feet and yell, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!"

What about you? What are you grateful for?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
  I promise that I've been totally good this year, except when I saw my neighbor had left her white laundry in the washing machine for several hours and I held up my red shirt in a threatening manner over the machine and gave her the evil eye when she finally came in to get her laundry.

There's also the time I "accidentally" spilled some of my coffee on the Wi-Fi freeloaders who kept hogging tables for hours at my favorite cafe (apparently, their laptop bags need their own separate tables). But hey! It's not like I spilled the coffee on their heads! That's progress!

What would I like for Christmas? I would like one of those devices that interfere with cell phone signals. That way, I can turn it on whenever my students start paying more attention to their cell phones than to me during class. Then, when they realize that their phones aren't working, they'll look up with bewildered expressions on their faces and say, "Wait. Who am I?"

I would also like for your elves to make a tiny fire extinguisher that I can keep in my purse. That way, I can whip it out and spray it at the cigarettes of the people who blow smoke in my face.

I'd also like the money to hire people who could be a Greek chorus, like the ones in those Greek tragedies that stand off to the side and speak ominously about the characters. I'd get my own Greek chorus to follow my neighbors around, and then I'd get the chorus to make ominous speeches about obnoxious jerks who incur the wrath of the gods by keeping their neighbors up all night with their loud music, drunken parties, and carnal get-togethers (ahem).

I'd also like a new outfit that would make me look good, no matter how many gingerbread men I eat. Hey! You get to eat cookies! Why can't I? And by a new outfit, I don't mean my own Santa suit, because the only one who looks good in that is you. (And I mean that in the best way.)

I'd like for all students, including mine, to show up to class on time every day, complete their work on time, demonstrate their intelligence (and they ARE smart) in their papers by providing their own insight rather than just regurgitate the notes I gave during lectures, and never ever ever complain about their grades or blame me if they don't get A's. Because if you can make THAT happen, I promise I will not only sing "Oh Happy Day" in the streets for everyone to hear, I will stop being such a workaholic. (Well, I'll try, anyway. Okay, maybe I'll let myself take one day off a week. Or at least an afternoon.)

But most of all, Santa, I want the people in Newton, Connecticut to once again feel the happiness and peace that they were robbed of. I know that it will take a long time for them to feel that way, but I hope that eventually, they will feel it. If you can make THAT happen, you don't have to worry about getting me anything else on my list.

What about you? What's on your Christmas list?

Attention Shoppers

(Here's what I wish I could say to certain people I've observed or encountered when I go Christmas shopping.)

If you keep throwing temper tantrums because the items you wanted are out of stock or if you keep screaming at the salespeople for not working fast enough, Santa won't just put you on his naughty list. He'll put you on his never list.

Eating a candy cane is not the same thing as brushing your teeth.

Scented lotion is not a substitute for soap.

If you not only cut in front of me in line but push me aside and then start talking to the cashier while I'm still talking to the cashier, then I will charge you like a bull.

Salespeople are human beings too. Remember that the next time you get impatient with one of them. They don't want to say the same old sales pitch any more than you want to hear it. They also don't want to have to work throughout the entire holiday season with no break, because the corporate employers who control their stores apparently have the motto: Why rest during Christmas when you can make money? (For US, not for YOURSELF)

If you freak out because Starbucks is out of the Gingerbread Latte, then perhaps it's time for decaf, no?

Thank you for the candles that you gave me as a Christmas gift. Unfortunately I can never light them because I live in a tiny studio apartment, and my smoke detector goes off every time I turn on my gas stove. My neighbors probably either think I am some kind of pyromaniac or just a bad cook.

If you say, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything," do you think that Santa will put coal in my stocking if I get myself something with the money that I would have spent on you?

It's the holiday season again. When I was younger, I used to be so excited for Christmas. This was back when I still believed in Santa Claus, made snow angels and had snowball fights every time there was snow on the ground, ate Christmas cookies, and got up at the crack of dawn so that I could open my presents.

Now that I'm an adult (technically, anyway), I haven't believed in Santa Claus ever since I realized that his handwriting on the gift tags that he left on my presents was exactly the same as my father's handwriting. When there's snow outside, I automatically think, "Great. I just bought these shoes, and now they're going to be ruined." I spend hours at the gym to work off the calories from those Christmas cookies. And I get up at the crack of dawn to shop for presents (and by shop for presents, I mean arm-wrestle fellow shoppers over bargains. This year, I'm going to arm-wrestle AND tickle fellow shoppers in order to get to the bargains first.).

I actually haven't started my Christmas shopping yet. That's because I've been caught up with school and work, as usual. The holiday season brings back bad memories of working in retail during the holidays, when I didn't get to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's like normal people do because I had to work instead. (I feel sorry for the people working in movie theaters on Christmas Day. I know because I used to be one of them too.) And you know how a lot of stores play Christmas songs? Yeah. Imagine listening to the same Christmas songs over and over and over again, day after day after day.

But before you think of me as a neurotic version of Scrooge, I'll admit that there is one thing I like about Christmas: the decorations. I like going downtown and seeing the city all lit up. I like seeing the Christmas displays in the store windows, and I like how other people, who normally rush around from place to place, stop and admire all the decorations with smiles on their faces. I like seeing people bringing Christmas trees home, and I imagine what the trees are going to look like once all the ornaments and lights are on them. And for just that moment, it's like I'm a little girl at Christmas again.

What about you? What do you like/dislike about Christmas? How do you feel about holiday shopping?

My Christmas Gift to Myself

I just started my Christmas shopping this week, because I've been writing my dissertation, teaching, grading papers, meeting with my professors and students, working extra hours for my website job, and watching Law and Order reruns. I only go shopping on weekdays; it's easier and less crowded during the week rather than the weekend, when most of the tourists come out. That way, I'm much less likely to start head-butting any tourists that get in my way.

This year, I've decided to give a small gift to myself, because I've been going through some difficult situations lately. Not to sound too materialistic or anything, but I think that a Christmas gift might make me feel better.

I've been thinking about all the things that are on my Christmas wish list. Here are a few examples:

The guys from The Big Bang Theory would move in next door. I think they'd be fun to hang out with, and they'd always be up for eating takeout with me. They could also probably fix my laptop for me, like one of them did for Penny, the girl next door. Since they're all so smart, they could probably build a new computer for me.

A handsome, respectful, and kind guy (perhaps one who looks like Josh Kloss, the guy from the Katy Perry video) who says stuff like, "I hate it when girls are too thin. More chocolate?"

Free coffee for a year. Or better yet, my own personal Starbucks cafe, and only the people who don't camp out with their laptops while nursing one cup of coffee for four hours will be allowed to hang out there. And there won't be any rude guys trying to steal my table by putting their laptops on it after I get up for two seconds to grab a napkin. And there will always be enough glazed doughnuts, because whenever Starbucks runs out of them, I'm tempted to bite the hand of the person who takes the last doughnut, as well as the hands of the guys who try to take my table (I don't, though. But if I was a vampire, I would.)

But since I can't have any of these things, I decided to give myself one thing that I can have: time to write. I haven't worked on my novel in weeks, partly because of the difficult situations going on in my life, and partly because I've had so much work to do. Writing has always been very soothing and therapeutic for me, and it's the one thing that always makes me happy. So I think that one reason I've been so stressed out lately is because I haven't had time to write.

I went to a coffeehouse and wrote more than a thousand words, and I felt better than I had in a long time. It felt good to do something that was just for me,  and it only cost a few bucks.

What about you? What's on your Christmas wish list?

Resolutions I Will (And Won't) Be Keeping

Like many people, I always make resolutions on New Year's Day. I like the idea that people resolve to improve themselves and/or their lives by doing things differently. However, I usually end up failing to keep one or all of the resolutions by February.

Here are a couple resolutions I probably won't be keeping:

1. Write every day. I wish I could write every day. I could send my work out sooner and increase my chances of getting published. Then, when I finally do win the Pulitzer Prize, I could start my acceptance speech by saying something like, "I based all the characters with no conscience on the people who made fun of me in high school. Here are a list of their names..."

It's not possible for me to write every day. I have to work on my dissertation, complete projects for the website I work for, teach classes, grade papers, hold office hours, and answer students' e-mailed questions with a definite NO when they try to get me to change their grade, pressure me to let them miss a month's worth of classes without penalty to their grade, or explain to them everything that happened in a one hour class in one e-mail.

I do write several times a week. If I could write every day, I would. But since I can't, I choose not to feel guilty about it.

2. Stop watching reality TV. I don't watch most reality shows. The Real Housewives makes me want to punch my TV, or at the very least take the cast members by the shoulders and yell, "What's WRONG with you?" So does The Bachelor. Why would ANYONE want to date someone who's already made out with three other women in one day?

I did try watching Top Chef, but the chefs always seemed so angry. That made me worried, because I thought that it was possible for their anger to somehow affect the food they prepared. Then I started worrying about angry chefs at various restaurants I visited, and I thought it might be like Tita from the novel Like Water for Chocolate; everything she felt went into her food and affected the people who ate the food. I thought of that one wedding where she was upset while making the wedding cake and then everyone started throwing up and running around in a panic and....

ANYWAY, the only reality shows I watch are Millionaire Matchmaker and Jersey Shore. Millionaire Matchmaker makes me dread dating in my thirties, because the majority of the guys on there are so despicable with their impossible expectations of women and the way they treat their dates. And yet I can't help watching. Watching the people on the show helps me learn exactly what NOT to do on dates.

Jersey Shore is exactly as trashy as you think it would be, yet it's so hilarious I can't help watching it either. For example, Snooki, one of the female cast members, said, "Whenever people ask me what race I am, I just say I'm tan." I mean, come ON!

It's mean of me to write this, but I watch the shows partly because it makes me feel better about myself. Whenever I feel inadequate because I'm not succeeding in grad school as much as some of my classmates are, I can turn on the TV and laugh at the hair-pulling, drink-throwing, insult-exchanging fights that people have in hot tubs.

But on the other hand, there are things about my life that I want to change, and I figure making a promise to myself will help me accomplish that. So if I can keep just ONE of my resolutions, I'll be satisfied. So here are a few resolutions I probably will keep:

1. Learn to cook. I have tried cooking several recipes before, but I always end up doing something wrong. Then I end up setting fire to the food, spitting it out, or throwing it away before I head to the nearest fast food place. But this year I will try some recipes and find a way to cook without setting off my smoke detector.

2. Complete a draft of my dissertation. One reason I haven't worked on my dissertation as much as I could have was because I was scared. I was so scared that I would write something stupid, or that I wouldn't know what to write at all. I was scared that it wouldn't be good enough, and that all the professors on my dissertation committee (professors that I admire and aspire to be like) would burst out laughing when they read my draft and say, "You cannot be serious. Show us the real draft." Or maybe they'd point to the door and say, "GET OUT! You don't belong here."

I'm still scared. But I have to keep working, because otherwise I will never complete my degree. And I've put in too many years to just quit now.

3. Continue online dating. I took a long break from online dating, because of several bad dates, creepy e-mails that scared me more than the shower scene in Psycho, and guys who sent me e-mails but disappeared before agreeing to meet me in person, which made me think that they must have gone into the Dating Protection Program. I've resolved to join a new dating site soon, but part of me wants to keep putting it off. But I have to put myself back out there, because even if I do end up going on more bad dates, there's also the chance that I could go on some good ones.

What about you? What resolutions have you made? Are there any resolutions that you think you won't be keeping?

All I Want for Christmas Is a Personal Assistant

Even though I mocked celebrities in my last blog post for being rich enough to have personal assistants who have their own assistants, I must admit that I wouldn't mind having a personal assistant. I've been pretty stressed out since school started, because I often have to spend more time on my teaching responsibilities than I do on my graduate work.

One reason is that several of my students apparently believe that I never sleep and that I live in my office, which would explain why they e-mail me several times a week and get upset if I don't respond right away. It would also explain why some of them set up multiple appointments to discuss the same paper and then proceed to either not show up or show up twenty minutes late (and then they request more appointments). As a result, I have fallen behind on my dissertation, which makes me feel like I'm going to be in graduate school FOREVER.

So it would be nice to have a personal assistant. It would definitely help to have someone take care of the things that I never have enough time to do, like pick up my dry cleaning, vacuum my apartment, do my grocery shopping, and get rid of the spiders that invade my apartment every time I open my windows because it's like ninety degrees in here and the landlord claims my screens can't be fixed so that I'm screaming "EEEEEEK" at least seventy percent of the time.

Maybe if I had a personal assistant, I wouldn't have to spend so much of my free time "working", i.e., doing household chores and running errands. And then I wouldn't have so much trouble falling asleep at night, because my mind often keeps me awake even though my body is exhausted; I can't relax because I keep thinking of all the stuff that I still need to get done.

On the other hand, maybe it would be better to have a bodyguard instead of a personal assistant. He'd be really big and strong and have a tough-sounding name, like Thor. Then Thor could protect me from strangers on the train when I commute and when I go out at night. He could also make my morning commute a lot less irritating.

For example, during the morning rush hour, the trains are always packed with people who don't get off the train until after MY stop. Even though it is clear that the train is already too crowded, there are always people at the next stop who insist on shoving their way onto the train and yelling at the rest of us to move. Then I end up with my face pressed against someone's shoulder (and can I just say that there are too many people who don't shower on a regular basis?) or I end up elbowing people's faces (although I must admit that sometimes that's intentional if they refuse to let me sit down because it's more important for their bags to have their own seat).

If I had a bodyguard, he could stand by the doors with his arms crossed and then give the death stare to the people who think that a crowded train should be even MORE crowded; he'd glare at them and say, "I don't THINK so." And then they'd back away slowly and decide to walk to work from now on.

There are a few other things that I would like for Christmas. I hate talking on the phone and I hate texting even more, which is why I haven't updated my cell phone in several years. On the other hand, it would be nice to have a Blackberry or a Smartphone. Then, when my students start texting in class, I could send them video messages that say stuff like, "HEY! I'm WATCHING you! PAY ATTENTION!" Or maybe Thor could raise his giant hand and say "STOP!" And then they'd quickly put their phones away and never text again.

You know what else would be cool? A personal chef. Then I wouldn't have to shop in the frozen foods section anymore, and I wouldn't have to worry about setting my clothes on fire. I'd probably be able to eat healthier foods too, and as a result I'd lose weight and feel better. And maybe my personal chef could taste foods that he or she doesn't make for me, just to make sure that the food isn't poisonous or just plain icky. Besides, Thor needs to eat, too.

What about you? What's on your Christmas list?

One of my favorite bloggers, Talli Roland, has a new book out on Kindle, titled The Hating Game. Go to Amazon.com and check it out! (The paperback version comes out in March 2011.) Congratulations, Talli!

Side note: Even though I rarely go to movies, there is one movie that I'm definitely going to watch in 2011. Check out this trailer for Jane Eyre, which is also one of my favorite books. Doesn't it make you wish it was coming out right now?

The Calm before the Chaos

I hate shopping. Maybe it's because I spent several years working in retail. Now I find myself automatically picking up clothes and folding them or greeting customers whenever I go into stores. Maybe it's because all those years in retail has made me loathe cash registers so much that whenever I see one I want to attack it with a clothes hanger.

Or maybe it's because I'm kind of intimidated by sales people. It's weird because I used to be one, and so I know it's their job to tell customers about new sales and encourage them to buy stuff they don't really need. But it makes me nervous if the salesperson follows me around the store, stands outside the dressing room to chat with me about accessories, and gives me coupons for sales where I can get 3% off on a particular item as long as I buy it within the next five minutes. (I also feel guilty because I used to do the exact same things when I worked in retail.)

I'm also incredibly indecisive, and I'm afraid that if I linger too long in the store the employees will think I'm shoplifting. And then I'll get arrested; the TV stations will do a news story that says something like "Ph.D. candidate turned THIEF"; my students will say, "Why should we do the homework when YOU didn't even pay for that Hello Kitty purse?"; then I'll never be crowned Miss America because of my record and I won't get to cry and throw roses at people when I win.

Usually I just want to get out of there as soon as possible, so I usually just buy the first thing that the salesperson shows me. That's why I have incredibly uncomfortable shoes that make me weep a little when I put them on (though of course they feel okay when I try them on in the store; it's when I go out into the street that the shoes magically become painful and unreturnable), outfits that would probably land me on an episode of What Not to Wear, and an assortment of beauty products, half of which I don't know how to use and am afraid that if I put them on wrong my face will break out and then I'll never be crowned Miss America.

The only stores I'm comfortable going into are bookstores. The sellers leave me alone and I can be around books, which make me happy. But other than that I don't go shopping very often, which is just as well seeing as how I currently have about enough money to do my Christmas shopping at a vending machine. (I hope my parents will like the Cheetos I'm giving them. What? Technically it could be a stocking stuffer.)

That's why I don't understand why anyone would want to go shopping on Black Friday, let alone at 4 A.M. when a lot of the stores open. (I feel sorry for the people who have to work that day.) But no offense if you are going shopping that day; I just don't think I could do it. (It was bad enough having to WORK in a store on Black Friday.) I know that there are a lot of good sales on that day, though I imagine some of the customers' conversations going something like this:

Customer #1: Do we really need a life-size statue of Oprah that glows in the dark? I'm not sure our kids will want that for Christmas. It - I mean she - might scare them.
Customer #2: That's not the point! It's 50% off! Get it before someone else does!

Customer #3: Oh my gosh! I didn't even REALIZE they sold giant whoopee cushions here! What a GREAT idea!
Customer #4: And check it out! If we buy six whoopee cushions today, we can get a free roll of singing toilet paper! (The toilet paper is an actual product; I saw it on a website. I wonder what it sings?)

Customer #5: Look! If we get five of the same sweaters in different colors, we'll save three dollars!
Customer #6: I knew it was a good idea to camp outside the mall all night! And people said it wouldn't be worth it.

I've also learned that it's never a good idea to go shopping downtown on the weekends, especially not during the holiday season, because that's when the tourists come out. They walk incredibly slowly, because they're so busy tilting their heads back and remarking on how tall the buildings are or pointing at the cars and remarking on how everyone is so FAST and beeps their horns real LOUD and gosh they sure aren't like that in our hometown! And I'm just trying to get into the holiday spirit and NOT knock any tourists over, but it's just so DIFFICULT sometimes.

One year I tried going to Michigan Avenue on a Saturday in December, and I found myself identifying with Ebenezer Scrooge before the ghosts visited him. Bah, humbug! Let's see those Christmas ghosts try to navigate the crowds at Water Tower Place for three hours (two of which will be spent just on the escalators) during the holiday season and then see what kind of advice they give Scrooge.

So on Black Friday I'm staying home. Instead of shopping, I'm going to work on my dissertation. What? You didn't think I was going to take the weekend OFF, did you?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!