Spoiler Alert

I've written more than a hundred pages of my book, Obsessions of a Workaholic, and since it is a memoir, I obviously know how it's going to end. The novel I've been writing, on the other hand, is  different because I've been trying to figure out the right way to end it.

One of my favorite movies is Alex and Emma, which is about a writer (Luke Wilson) struggling to write his second novel and the stenographer (Kate Hudson) transcribes the story for him after his laptop is broken. At the beginning of the movie, the stenographer, Emma, says that she decides whether or not to buy a book by reading the ending first because if she doesn't like the ending, she knows the book won't be worth reading.

I have to admit that I sometimes do the same thing when I'm browsing in a bookstore, especially when it's the book of an author I've never heard of. For example, I picked up a chick lit novel and skipped ahead to the ending, which was melodramatic and sad. There are some love stories, like Romeo and Juliet, where it's okay if the ending is tragic; if you think about it, Romeo and Juliet had to die, in order to show how destructive the feud between their families was. But the ending of that chick lit novel irritated me, especially because in most chick lit novels, the main guy and girl usually do end up together, and I knew I didn't want to read more than three hundred pages only to see both of them end up alone. I checked the Amazon reviews for that book, and judging by the angry reviews that dozens of readers posted, I could tell that I wasn't alone in this opinion.

On the other hand, sometimes knowing the ending of a story ahead of time ruins it for me. When I was in college, I read Anna Karenina for fun (I should also add that I liked reading the dictionary and thesaurus for fun because I really was and still am a big nerd). The book is almost nine hundred pages long, which is why it took me a long time to get through it. I had only read about seven hundred pages when a fellow English major, who saw that I was reading the book, spoiled the ending for me by telling me what happened to Anna Karenina (despite the fact that I was a well-read English major, I really didn't know). Of course, my reaction to that English major was basically this:



via GIPHY

Of course, I would have rephrased it like this: Hello. My name is Neurotic Workaholic. You spoiled the ending of a book that has taken me weeks to finish. Prepare to die.

But either way, the ending of a book is the most important of the story, in my opinion, because an ending can make or break a story. The story does not need to have a happy ending in order to be a good story, but it does need to be a satisfying one.

I read a novel recently that was written by someone I follow on Instagram. It had a very interesting, original premise, and there were parts of it that were very well-written. There was a love triangle in the book, where the female protagonist was torn between two men. But then all of a sudden a new guy popped up, and she inexplicably transferred the love she claimed to feel for one of the other guys for the new guy. Despite the narrator's insistence that the new guy was the "right" guy for her, it made no sense to me, considering that more than half the novel was about her love for one of the guys in the original triangle and all the risks she took to be with him. The story also ended in a very disappointing way, so that I responded by exclaiming, "That's IT? Are you KIDDING me?" I wanted to track down the author and say, "Hello. My name is Neurotic Workaholic. You wrote an unsatisfying and unrealistic ending to your novel. Prepare to be whapped in the face with your own book."

Of course, writers can end their stories however they want; they don't have to write endings that don't feel right to them just so it'll satisfy their readers. But when I read a story with an unsatisfying ending, it leaves me feeling frustrated and like I wasted time getting invested in characters who didn't get the ending they deserved.

It's also the reason why I struggle with writing the ending to my own stories because I want to make sure that they ring true. One way I do that is by writing several alternate endings; that way, I can figure out which one sounds best and which one makes the most sense for the characters. Of course, I can't do the same thing for the ending of my memoir because if I had the ending I really wanted, the book would conclude with me driving off into the sunset with a giant bag of money, a dog (I've always wanted to adopt my own dog), and my mortal enemies (yes, I have more than one) being dragged away to prison and/or hell.

What about you? Do you ever skip ahead to the ending of books? Do you struggle to write the ending of your own stories?

The Ending You Want

The school term has come an end, which means that I'll get some time off for Christmas. I'm going to visit my parents, who live in another state, for a few days. The rest of the time I'll be in Chicago. I'll be using my Christmas break mainly to work on my dissertation, clean out my apartment, and write fiction. Oh, and I'll probably "relax" at least 5% of the time and do something fun. (What? I'm a neurotic workaholic, not a laid-back slacker! And even when I "relax" and do something that isn't work, I'm still thinking about all the work that I have to do.)

Now that I have some free time, I've come back to my manuscripts, one of which includes a love triangle. I've come up with more than one ending for it. In one ending, the main character ends up with the "right" guy. But something about that ending feels wrong to me. I feel like it's the ending that I want, not the ending that the main character wants.

For me, my characters do become "real", in some sense. Not real in the sense that I ate breakfast with the main character and am going to go out later and give wedgies to annoying people with her best friend. But "real" in the sense that sometimes when I'm writing, the characters say or do something that surprise me, because I hadn't even been thinking about it before. That's why I'm not very good at plotting, because I don't always know what's going to happen ahead of time. And I think that's part of what makes writing fun. (Of course, if plotting works for you, keep doing it.)

At first, the main character resembled me in many respects, but as I kept writing, she started developing a personality of her own. (But she still possesses several of my traits, such as the fact that she yells at her neighbors to MOVE OUT when they have one of their "Let's party like we don't have neighbors" parties.) That's why when I tried to write this one ending for her, it felt like she kept shaking her head and saying, "NO! That's what you would do, not what I would do."

If I change the ending, it changes the entire tone of the story. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is hard for me to just let go and let the characters tell their story. In addition to being a neurotic workaholic, I'm also a control freak.

One reason I've been thinking about this a lot lately is that I didn't get the ending I wanted with my crush. No, I didn't ask him out, but he did snub me recently. I won't get into specifics on how he snubbed me, because I'm still nervous that he'll find this blog somehow (incidentally, outside of the blogosphere, most people don't know that I'm Neurotic Workaholic or even that I want to be a writer, because I keep my writing life a secret).

He didn't snub me in a cruel way, not in the way that would make Taylor Swift write an angry song about him. But it was more of a thoughtless snub, and it cut deep all the same. The ending I wanted was one where I could finally give up online dating FOREVER and be with a guy who I thought was worth the wait. But it just didn't turn out that way.

Don't worry. I'm okay, or at least I will be...eventually. I'm going to go listen to one of my Taylor Swift playlists on my iPod. Yes, I have more than one.

Does that ever happen to you? That is, do you find yourself struggling with the ending or other scenes, where you want your characters to act one way but they keep resisting and make the scenes fall flat or come up with their own scenes? How do you deal with it?

Getting Revenge by Writing

The thing about being completely neurotic is that you obsess over everything, including the things that don't bother most people. (That's why I love Seinfeld. It's not really "a show about nothing". It's a show about their obsessions.) That can cause you to hold grudges that last for a long time.

For example, I am still angry at the Walgreens cashier that I bought M&Ms from back in high school. She made a crack about how I shouldn't eat too much candy because it was fattening. I'd bought candy from her before, and I guess she thought she was being "helpful". This was back when I was overweight and self-conscious about my appearance.  I knew the candy was fattening. Overweight people know that they shouldn't eat junk food, and they know that they're overweight. But sometimes they just can't help themselves, and it's humiliating when other people make them feel bad about it. I still remember how embarrassed, hurt, and angry I felt, and to this day I wish I had stood up to her...or at least called the manager over to file a complaint against her. So even though it's been more than a decade since that happened, I still cannot bring myself to forgive her.

I do try to forgive people, even though it's hard. But in fiction writing, however, I can be as vengeful and unforgiving as I want to be. That makes me sound cruel, but think about it. A lot of fiction writers write down the things they would never say in real life, or they let their characters do what the writers could/would never do. It's safer that way, and it can provide a sense of release as well. Rather than seek revenge in real life against the people that hurt you, you can do it through writing, as long as you heavily disguise those people, of course, as Anne Lamott advised in her book Bird by Bird. (Otherwise, they might seek revenge against you, by filing a lawsuit.)

For example, the other night, I noticed that the neighbor in the apartment one floor up and facing mine raised his blinds at around midnight. I didn't think anything of it until I went to bed at around twelve-thirty. Even though my blinds were closed, the light from my neighbor's apartment shone into mine. He must have used flood lights or 100-megawatt bulbs, because the light completely lit up my room. In my half-asleep state, I at first thought that a UFO had landed outside my window, and I was going to yell out my window, "Take my neighbors, not me! Feel free to dissect and study them, as long as you don't bring them back."

But then I looked out my window and realized that it was the light in my neighbor's apartment that made it seem like it was still broad daylight rather than the middle of the night. I tried to go back to sleep, but the light made it impossible. How long did the jerk leave his light on? All night. What time did I finally manage to fall asleep? Four A.M. What time did I have to get up to go to work? Seven A.M. On a scale of one to ten, how angry (and exhausted) was I? 999,765,037...and counting.

In fiction, I can get back at him by writing a horror story titled "Night of the Living Workaholic", where I turn into a zombie (which, actually, is what happens when I don't get enough sleep) and come into his apartment, where Zombie Me then proceeds to a) eat his brain or b) scare him into being polite and considerate, to the point that not only will he keep his blinds closed from now on, he'll be too afraid to leave his home and will keep peeking through his blinds for fear that Zombie Me will strike again (and I will, BWAHAHAHAHA!).

In real life, I bought a sleeping mask to cover my eyes. If he is inconsiderate enough to leave his blinds up and his lights on all night again, I will ask my landlord to say something to him, though I doubt it will make much difference.

More than once people have pushed me aside in their hurry to get on the train during my daily commute. In real life, all I can say is, "Hey, I was here FIRST, so BACK UP!" If I'm feeling more timid, then I'll just give them what I call the Death Glare and hope that they will cower in fear. (I also kind of wish that Zombie Me could be my bodyguard, because she would definitely scare them...or eat their brains.)

But in fiction, I can get back at them by writing a story about how after they cut in front of a line of people waiting for the train, they find themselves trapped on a train full of Justin Bieber's fans on their way to a concert.

What about you? Do you ever base your characters or storylines on people or situations that bothered you? Do you ever write in fiction what you wish would happen in real life? If you don't, how do you work out your emotions when someone makes you mad or hurts you? 

Happily Ever After...Or Not

Fellow blogger Talli Roland (who also happens to be a great novelist, which is why you should buy her books) recently wrote a post about happy endings, and how romantic comedies usually have happy endings. She's right. This is particularly true of chick lit, where the main character usually a) ends up with Mr. Right; b) realizes that the Unsuitable Suitor isn't so Unsuitable after all and dumps Mr. Safe-But-Boring for him; c) realizes that the Unsuitable Suitor really is a tool and that Mr. Safe-But-Boring isn't so boring after all; or d) thinks to herself, I don't need a man to be happy. I just need my friends and Ben and Jerry. 

I recently read a chick lit book that I HATED. I bought two books by this author because one of my favorite authors highly recommended this person. Then again, many people highly recommend getting face tattoos and multiple piercings in places that really shouldn't be pierced (because really, who's going to look there unless you take all your clothes off? And you really shouldn't do THAT in public.).

I didn't like the first novel that I bought by this author, mainly because all the characters loved each other. There was almost no conflict in the story, because everyone easily forgave each other. I know that chick lit books aren't always realistic, but COME ON. In real life, most people don't easily forgive each other every time. They yell at each other, cry, and pull each other's hair (or is it just me who does the last one?).

But I bought the second book by this author because I thought that maybe I should give this person's writing another chance. It's kind of like going to a restaurant a second time even though you got food poisoning the last time you ate there.

But this book was no better than the last one I read. The characters all loved each other and easily forgave each other, like the last book. Even worse, the main character's love interest was perfect...too perfect. He had absolutely no flaws. Unless she fell in love with a Stepford Boyfriend, it was hard to believe. I liked the Unsuitable Suitor in this book better, because he was demanding, self-centered, immature...and real.

Granted, I wouldn't necessarily want to date a guy who is like that. But no guy is perfect (and based on the guys that I've dated, I KNOW that for a fact). And I think that people's flaws are what make their relationships interesting. I think that loving someone in spite of his or her flaws and accepting him or her for who they are is a sign that you truly are in love. Not to mention the guy and the main character kept declaring their love for each other (I lost count after the hundredth time, and I'm not exaggerating), and I know that even people in love don't do that ALL The time. It made me want to watch an episode of one of the Real Housewives shows, where none of the people say loving things to each other, except maybe when they're admiring themselves in the mirror.

I recently read Happily Ever After by Harriet Evans, and I found myself sighing with relief as I read it. The main character's love interest was flawed in many ways, but he was likable in other ways as well. I found myself becoming  invested in the characters' lives, and I kept thinking about the story even when I wasn't reading it. When I was waiting for the train yesterday, I thought, Oh, I hope she makes the right decision about that guy, as if the main character was a real person. And in a way, the characters had become real to me, because the story was that engaging. And as a reader, reading a good book like that is my idea of a happy ending.

We all have our own definitions of what a happy ending would be. In the stories I write, I do want my characters to have happy endings, as long as they all make mistakes and bad decisions and drive people crazy with their flaws first, because that's what makes them (and their stories) real.

I also have my own idea of what I'd like my happy ending to be. In fact, I have several ideas. One includes myself as a successful writer, who earns enough money that I don't have to work a day job (actually, in my case, it's day jobs) anymore so that I can write full-time. Another includes myself as a respected professor, where I get to teach students who would rather read fine literature than text messages. And another happy ending includes Ryan Gosling in a tank top, but I won't go into too much detail on that one.

What about you? Do you prefer stories with happy endings? Do you like to write happy endings for your stories? What's your idea of a happy ending?

Characters I (Don't) Want to Be Friends with

I've been reading a lot of chick lit lately, because a) I like it; b) since most of the stuff I write is chick lit, I think of reading chick lit novels by published authors as research; c) due to the fact that I'm thirty years old and still single, it helps to read stories about women who are just as confused about dating as I am but still get their happy endings. (It especially helps after reading way too many online dating profiles that say stuff like, "I'm convinced that there's a woman who looks just like Natalie Portman out there for me, and I'm not willing to settle for less," and "I have a girlfriend, but I'm still open to meeting new people.")

Some of the chick lit novels I've been reading are really good, the kind of books that I want to reread as soon as I finish reading them. Some of them, however, are not so good. One major problem I have with a few chick lit novels are the characters. If I don't like the main character in particular, it's really difficult for me to enjoy the book. I mean, if I'm going to be reading 300 pages about someone's life, I want it to be about someone who's funny, interesting, and a good person, not someone who makes me want to take her by the shoulders and yell, "For God's sake, get a grip, woman!"

I like reading chick lit books about characters that I want to be friends with, the kind of women who would be fun to hang out with and have dinner with, not the kind of friends who make me frantically come up with excuses like, "I can't hang out tonight because I have to organize all of my M&Ms by color and Google myself to make sure that nobody's writing mean stuff about me and posting it online."

I read a book called See Jane Write: A Girl's Guide to Writing Chick Lit, by Sarah Mlynowski and Farrin Jacobs. It included a list of descriptions of characters who should not show up in chick lit novels. I agreed with their list. I've included my own list below, with my own additions/modifications.

1. There's more to life than having a boyfriend. Have you ever had a friend who was totally obsessed with her boyfriend? The kind of girl who spent every weekend with him, and only hung out with you when he wasn't available? The girl who would spend half the time texting him when she wasn't with him? And it isn't just girls who are like this. I was once friends with a guy who would mention his girlfriend every ten minutes, literally. His girlfriend was nice, but I didn't really want to hear every single thing about her ALL THE LIVELONG DAY.

In some of the chick lit novels I've been reading, getting or keeping a boyfriend is not only the protagonist's main concern; it's her only concern. I will admit that finding true love is important to me too, but there are other things that matter, things like friends, writing, teaching, life in Chicago, whether or not I'll ever be able to kick my Jersey Shore addiction (I know they're stupid and are probably sucking my soul every time I watch their show, and yet I can't stop watching!), etc., etc. 

I don't want to read a story about a twenty-first century Stepford Girlfriend whose only focus in life is finding and pleasing her man. I want to read a love story, yes, but I also want to read about the other stuff in her life. Just look at Pride and Prejudice. It is a story that focuses on women's pursuit of love, but it's also about other good stuff, like Elizabeth Bennet's frustration and love for her embarrassing family, and the fact that people like Lady Catherine just can't get over the fact that Elizabeth doesn't have the same wealth and social status as Lady Catherine does.

2. Real life is not a soap opera. When I was in college, I was addicted to soap operas. I actually scheduled my classes so that I wouldn't miss any episodes of All My Children. But then I got caught up with school, friends, and college clubs; I ended up missing several episodes. When I started watching again, it was a lot easier to recognize how melodramatic and unrealistic soap operas are (although if you think about it, it's pretty much required and expected that soap operas be melodramatic and unrealistic).

I thought, "Hey! Real life and relationships aren't like this! Real people don't have evil twins (at least I hope they don't) who are plotting to destroy everyone that gets in their way. Most people don't become so obsessed with the object of their affection that they a) kidnap other people's babies and replace them with other babies; b) keep deal-breaking secrets like secret pregnancies, the fact that they didn't really divorce their eighth husband, the fact that they're secretly cheating on the object of their affection with the other object of their affection, or the fact that they are the evil twin; c) keep doing that dramatic pause thing where they stare off into the distance and do a monologue where they say stuff like, "I will make him love me! I don't care that he's married to my sister who seems to be invincible because she keeps mysteriously coming back from the dead no matter how many deathly traps I set for her! I mean, seriously, who is able to survive a gunshot wound, a house fire, and a drowning, all in one week?"

Monologues in chick lit novels are okay if they're used sparingly, but I don't want to feel like I'm reading a play by Shakespeare. He was able to use monologues pretty effectively, but in chick lit novels, too many long speeches where characters describe their feelings for each other or list all the things that they've learned or all the reasons they find fault with other characters just don't ring true for me. Too many long speeches from the characters also make me feel like I'm being preached at.

I want to read conversations with stuff that people would actually say in real life. I also want to read a story about situations that I can actually relate to, not the kind of stuff that soap operas are made of. 

3. A chick lit novel should not resemble an episode of Jackass or Ridiculousness. I've never understood why people like those shows. What's so entertaining about guys who light their pants on fire or hurl themselves from rooftops without any protective gear or jab sharp objects at their faces? Self-destructive behavior just isn't fun for me.

By a similar token, Mlynowski and Jacobs wrote in their book that the main character shouldn't be the type of person who keeps making stupid choices without learning anything from them. I was reading a chick lit novel recently, where the protagonist kept doing one dumb thing after another. Even though her choices didn't lead to anything good, she just kept going. She didn't even try to change her behavior until she'd run out of other options. I just kept shaking my head and saying, "Oh, come on!" That made it really hard to like her as a character, and that made it even harder to like the story as a whole.

That's why it's really important to me to be able to like the character, not to be constantly annoyed by her. There are enough people like that in real life; I don't want them to invade my favorite books too. Fortunately, a lot of chick lit authors I've read know how to tell their stories and describe their characters without making me want to fling the books across the room. They're the kind of authors that I can learn from and enjoy. They're also the kind of authors that I would want to be friends with.

What about you? What kinds of things do you like or dislike about fictional characters in your favorite novels?

Happy New Year, everyone!

My Happy (Alternate) Ending

In the story that I'm working on right now, there is a love triangle. When I was writing the first draft, I wrote several different alternate endings to see which one worked best: one ending where the girl ends up with "the right guy", one ending in which the girl chooses "the wrong guy", one where she ends up alone, and one where she decides, "To hell with men," and goes off to become a crime-fighting superhero, seeking out the guys who say insincerely, "I'll call you," as her first targets.

When it comes to writing, I've always been a pantser. (I have to say, though, "pantser" makes me think of those people who pull other people's pants down as a joke. But I don't actually do that. I've wanted to do that, though, particularly to the people who cut in front of me in line.) I like the idea of not knowing how the story's going to end, because then I get to be surprised.

It's made me think about what it would be like if we could write (or rewrite) our ending in our own lives, so to speak. What if we could actually go back in time and change unhappy/dissatisfying/annoying/weird endings to certain experiences? Would our lives be different as a result? Would we be different?

I know they say that you have to learn from your mistakes, so sometimes it's worth it to not get the happy ending that you were hoping for. For example, I've learned that some people don't love boy bands as much as I used to, so they probably wouldn't want to hear about how I can name that boy band in three notes or how I jumped up and down and screamed like a banshee along with all the other teenage girls when I saw the Backstreet Boys perform live.

But there are some endings in my life that I wish I could rewrite. Here are a few examples:

In my happy ending, none of my students would bring their papers to my office and expect me to tell them exactly what to "fix" and what to write so that they'll get A's (FYI: that's exactly how they phrase it). They would come up with their own ideas and learn that writing is not about filling in the blanks.

The undergrads would actually want to spend more time reading novels by authors like Jhumpa Lahiri and Ernest Hemingway instead of Facebook postings by their friends and Tweets by reality show stars who are famous for spending their parents' money or throwing tantrums in public.

My students would never blame me when they get bad grades. They'd never say it was because I wasn't a good teacher or because I graded them too harshly. They'd  say stuff like, "Hey! I guess I really should go to class every day!" or "Wow, I never thought that sleeping in class would make me miss out on important information. I guess I shouldn't do that anymore!" or "I'm sorry that I told you that I know more about literature than you do. I was wrong. To make up for it, I'll clean out your office and do your grocery shopping for you!" or "Cell phones are the devil's toys! I will never use my cell phone ever again!"

All the guys who said they would call but never did finally would call. They'd say stuff like, "I'm sorry I thought I was hot enough to get a model. It turns out that I'm not. None of those Victoria's Secret girls ever called me back! Now I know how you felt when I didn't call you! Will you give me another chance?"

Then I would say, "NO! Kiss this, losers!" And then I'd hang up on them. And if this was a really happy ending, they'd go on dates with beautiful women who spend the whole time flirting with waiters and reciting long monologues about their lives without letting them get a word in, so that the guys really would know exactly how I felt when I dated them.

The guys I've met on online dating sites who pull disappearing acts would be effectively "punished" by being forced to read through all the creepy e-mails that guys have sent me, such as the guy who wrote, "I'll show you my naked pictures if you show me yours" (guess how quickly I blocked him). Then maybe they would stop acting like jerks and realize that they shouldn't get women's hopes up by pretending to be nice guys who are actually interested in them.

In my happy ending, I'd know just what to say to all the people who act condescendingly towards me because I don't make as much money as they do or haven't accomplished as much as they have. I'd say, "So what if you think you're better than me? You're the only person in the world who does!"  Then I'd rip open my shirt, revealing my crime-fighting superhero costume, and I'd leave them in the dust as I flew away.

My department would make sure that all the graduate students have enough money to live on, so that I don't have to work a zillion low-paying, part-time jobs and have a lot less time to study than the students who are supported by loans or spouses with full-time jobs. Then when I go to stores, I wouldn't automatically start reshelving books or folding clothes before I think to myself, "Wait! I don't actually work here."

 When I have to work yet another retail job, my employers would say, "You know what? The customer is not always right!" Then when (not if) customers are rude to me, I'd get to make them do my job for a week, so that by the end of the week they'll have pulled all of their hair out and I'll find them lying on the floor of the store, curled up in the fetal position.

In my happy ending, no one would nag or criticize me for being the way that I am, because they would think that being an obsessive, neurotic workaholic is cool.

What about you? If you could rewrite the ending to something that happened to you, would you? What does your happy ending look like?