Back to the 90s

If there's one fictional invention that I wish was real, it would have to be the time machine. The closest I can get to having one is by listening to certain songs from when I was growing up, because there are certain songs where all it takes is hearing one line or one chord; I'll close my eyes and I'll remember very clearly a certain person or event that I associate with that song, and I'll remember what it was like to be the age that I was when that song was popular.

For example, the Proclaimers' song (released in 1988, but it didn't become famous in the U.S. until 1993, when it was featured on the soundtrack for the film Benny and Joon) makes me feel like I'm twelve years old again every time I hear the song. Here's the video for it:


It makes me feel like I'm twelve again because in the summer of 1993, I went to camp, where I met a boy and got to go on my first "date." We went to one of the dances together that were hosted by the camp and which all the preteen campers fussed over, precisely because we were all obsessed over whether or not we were going to get dates. (Looking back on it now, it almost makes me feel like I was in a storyline for a YA novel.) That song by the Proclaimers was the most popular song at camp, and they must have played it several times during the dance.

The thing about THAT date, however, is that the boy I went to the dance with literally hid in a corner of the room where the dance was held for the first HOUR. Why? He was embarrassed because he was one of the only kids who was wearing dress pants instead of jeans. I didn't care about the clothes, especially because I don't think I was wearing jeans either; I think I wore some kind of dress instead. I just wanted to dance, but it was kind of hard to dance with a twelve-year-old boy when he's throwing a tantrum in a corner and his friends are trying to coax him out. When he finally emerged from the corner, his "dancing" made me think, "Hmm. Maybe I should follow in my Catholic school teachers' footsteps and become a nun."

Girl band TLC's single, "Creep," was a popular song in 1994 (when I was thirteen), and the band was one of my favorites when I was in high school. Their clothes remind me of the baggy outfits that were popular in the nineties, long before "jeggings" (I CURSE whoever invented those, and if I ever find the person or people who invented them, I'm going to chase them down, make them eat a doughnut and then force them to try to fit into just one pair of jeggings, hahahahaha!!!) was even a word.


My mother once glanced at the TV when I was watching the music video for the song (remember when MTV still played music videos, instead of reality shows about teen moms who spend a LOT more money on boob jobs, boyfriends, and bail money than on their own children? But I digress.). She saw the women of TLC and asked me, "Why can't YOU be thin like them?"

This was when I was about five foot one and 120 pounds.  By the time I graduated from high school four years later, I had gained a significant amount of weight, and I still cringe when I look at my graduation pictures. I've spent the last twenty years struggling with my weight, which has gone up and down, and I WISH I was still 120 pounds. That's why, by the time I was in my twenties, I finally joined a gym, cut WAY down on my sugar and salt intake, drank more water (and less soda), and tried to learn how to cook. I say tried because my cooking is so bad that the judges on Top Chef would probably just ban me from the kitchen altogether or perhaps weep with fury at my ineptitude.

The Backstreet Boys was my favorite boy band during the late 90s boy band craze. My favorite BSB song was "As Long as You Love Me," which was released in 1997, when I was sixteen. I liked boy bands like them because they were cute and their music was fun to dance to. I also liked them because their music was a refuge that I could escape to, if only temporarily: I could escape from the boys in real life, who ignored me unless they were making fun of me or unless they needed help with their homework (Word of advice to high school bullies: if you want the class nerd/brain to help you with your homework, then don't be mean to them, or at least don't be surprised by the kind of "help" you get as a result. But I digress.)


When I listened to the boy bands, I could also escape from the girls who talked on and on about the high school formal dances, most of which I didn't get to go to, since I usually didn't have a date, not even for prom junior or senior year. It was difficult to look at my friends' prom pictures, listen to them go on and on about what their boyfriends gave them for Valentine's Day, and be excluded from the double dates that they went on (I was excluded because I didn't have a boyfriend).

Every once in a while, a part of me regrets that I missed out on that part of the high school experience. But looking back on it now, I realize that while I may have not had the typical high school experiences, there was something about who I was (and who I still am) that was different from most of the other girls who did get to experience those things. I wanted a different life than the one that they wanted, though there wasn't anything wrong with what they wanted; I just wanted something different, because I was different.

I could go on, but there's not enough room in this blog post for all the songs that take me back in time. What about you? Which songs bring up memories for you from your childhood or teen years?

Shopping Makes Me Feel Fat

I've been rereading a chick lit novel that I particularly like, except there's one scene in particular that bugs me. The protagonist is shopping with her friend, and she complains about having to wear a size six because she thinks it makes her look fat. When I read that I thought, I really want to stab you with my fork right now, but I'm using it to eat this doughnut. 

Even though I have to put off online dating until this summer due to the fact that I have to focus on my dissertation, I figured I'd also use the extra time to get back in shape. I went up a dress size this year due to the stress of my dissertation, which gave me less time to exercise (and more excuses to order takeout). It was also due to the fact that when I tell people I've been eating more greens, what I really mean is that I've been eating more green M&Ms.

I managed to lose nine pounds, but then I got a coupon for a free pizza and it all went downhill from there; I ended up gaining three of those pounds back. (Not just from the pizza but also from the soda that I drank with the pizza, and all the caffeine-induced decisions that came after that.)

I've noticed that many guys on online dating profiles specify that they want women who are "athletic". When guys say they want "athletic" women, they don't just mean women that they can play football with or go to Cubs games with. They mean they want women who are thin.

There's nothing wrong with being physically attracted to someone who is in good shape, of course. A lot of women are attracted to physically fit men with big muscles, including me. But on the other hand, I have found that big muscles are also not enough to make up for bad personalities, because good looks can only take you so far. (Otherwise I'd still be dating the personal trainer who made me want to dunk his head in the marinara sauce along with the calamari we were eating.)

There are some guys who complain about "superficial" girls who don't want to date them. I've read profiles where other men complained  about those superficial girls (I'm not making that up).  I think what they mean is that the girls only want the guys who resemble movie stars or at least make as much money as movie stars do. I admit that there are women like this, though I am not like them. But the fact that they blame women for the fact that they're still single and take no responsibility for their own lack of success in dating is very unattractive and hostile. Not to mention I've met guys who only want to date girls who look like movie stars or supermodels. I've read profiles where the men said that they were looking for women who looked like Natalie Portman.

Like I said, looks are not everything. Personality, shared values, and mutual affection matter more. Also, sometimes a person you may not have noticed right away can become more and more attractive once you get to know him. I'm also willing to bet that those men who complain about superficial girls would also immediately say yes if a Sports Illustrated model suddenly asked one of them out. So THERE.

Nevertheless, I know that looks matter to some extent when it comes to dating. But it's more than that. I want to lose more weight so that I can feel better about myself. I recently went shopping for new clothes for the first time in a long time. Even though it's still cold in Chicago, a lot of stores are already selling summer dresses.

I tried on a couple of the dresses. I looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. I felt ashamed of myself for gaining weight again, especially after I'd worked so hard to lose it. I was afraid that I would gain even more weight and be like the person I used to be. I also felt jealous of the thinner girls who could look good in most of the dresses that they tried on, whereas the only dresses that were being sold for not-so-thin girls made it look like they had wrapped a shower curtain around themselves.

So I've gone back to working out five times a week. I spend hours at the gym every week when I'd rather be lying on my couch, watching NCIS, and eating ice cream. That's why I cut down on my soda intake, even though sometimes I fantasize about swimming in a pool filled with Coke. That's why I muster up all the willpower I have to walk past the cupcake bakeries, though sometimes I break down and buy a chocolate cupcake with sprinkles. I think the fact that I can't give up junk food entirely is why I'll never be skinny, because those low-fat/fat-free foods will never taste as good as one of those cupcakes.

There are beautiful women who are not thin, because you don't have to be thin to be beautiful. One of my new favorite shows is The Mindy Project, not only because the actors are good and the writing is funny, but also because the star, Mindy Kaling, has a figure that is similar to mine. That is, she isn't super-skinny, but she's not too overweight. And she's beautiful, which gives me hope.

And not to be vain or anything, but when I'm not scowling at someone for being annoying, I think I am okay-looking too, maybe even a little "attractive". But I still want to lose more weight so that I can wear a summer dress without feeling self-conscious (although the possibility of the wind blowing my skirt over my head still worries me, because I do live in the Windy City, after all), and so that I can improve my health. And okay, I admit it, I also want to lose weight so that I can attract potential dates.

There's also the fact that I know what it's like to be extremely overweight, and it did not feel good. I remember how in the past, guys hit on me, but they did it in a mocking way, which they would then laugh about with their friends; the idea of flirting with the fat girl was hilarious to them, and it was all I could do not to cry in front of their sneering faces. I remember what it's like to not be able to help yourself when you are eating junk food, and to not be able to stop eating. I remember the shame and guilt I felt after eating too much junk food, and how I hated looking at myself in the mirror when I went shopping. I don't want to go back to that, not ever.

I'll never be a size four, but I'm still going to make an effort to look good and live a healthier lifestyle. And I want a guy who looks good, IS good (though he doesn't have to have huge muscles, because I don't want to feel like I'm dating Popeye), and wouldn't dump me if I went up a dress size. I don't think that makes me superficial, especially because I wouldn't dump him if he gained a few pounds. (If he gained a hundred pounds, though, I'd take him to the doctor and a nutritionist.)

On the other hand, I think it'll be a lot easier to lose weight if I stop drinking Coke and eating M&Ms altogether. I'll think about that after I get back from the cupcake bakery.

What about you? Do you ever feel pressured to conform to a certain body image? How do you deal with it?