Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dear Mr. Wrong

Dear Mr. Wrong,
  You wrote that your dream girl was a certain A-list movie star or at the very least someone who looked like her. I think that I could look like her, if I had a personal trainer, a chef, and a team of makeup artists and stylists, as well as a photographer to airbrush all flaws from my pictures. I have to say that you don't resemble any movie stars, though. Therefore, alas, it will never work between us.

Dear Mr. Wrong,
  In your profile you wrote about one of your dates; you made fun of her because she didn't know where your home state was. I suppose it is important to study maps before going on dates, because you never know when geography will be a deal breaker.

Dear Mr. Wrong,
  I guess I can understand why you wrote in your profile that you wouldn't date anyone who weighed more than 125 pounds. After all, it's not like you can tell from a woman's pictures whether she is thin or not. Oh, wait a minute...YES YOU CAN!

Dear Mr. Wrong,
  I think it's nice that you described yourself as "entilligent" and that you like to "reed" in your spare time. Tell me, have you ever read a dictionary?

Dear Mr. Wrong,
  I  noticed in the headline for your profile you wrote that you were "looking for a few good hotties". Does that mean that you aren't willing to settle for just one hottie? Although I don't expect exclusivity right away, I don't think I'd be willing to be one of many girlfriends, even though the girls in your photos look really happy to be sitting in your lap.

Dear Mr. Wrong,
  I couldn't help noticing that you used the words "sex" and "virgin" more than once in your profile. I'm guessing that a relationship is not the number one thing that you're looking for?

One of the blogs I follow, Cruel Smooches, included some funny posts about the e-mails that the blogger was getting on match.com and her responses to those e-mails. It gave me the idea for this post and the e-mails that I write to potential matches.

On chemistry.com, there are three different ways to contact someone: send a "chemistry starter", which is something like a fill-in-the-blank game; send an e-mail; click on the "I'm interested" link. Almost all of the guys who have contacted me first have just clicked on the "I'm interested" link rather than send a note. I can understand how difficult it can be to send that first e-mail, because you're not quite sure what to say to introduce yourself in a way that will make yourself attractive to your potential match. However, it is slightly annoying that the guys can't or won't actually send a note rather than just click on "I'm interested", because then it's like they're transferring the task of sending the first e-mail to me.

When I contact a guy for the first time, I always write a note. I usually respond to certain things that the guy wrote in his profile, like what he likes to do in his free time or which neighborhood in Chicago that he lives in. I ask him questions and I say a little bit about myself.

Obviously, I don't write e-mails like the ones above to any of my potential matches. But sometimes, I wish that I could, just so they'll see that they should put more thought into writing their profiles. I've seen profiles where the pictures of the guys looked good, but what they wrote in their profiles was either a) insulting to women; b) creepy, in the "I think that being in a Freddy Krueger movie would be less frightening than going on a date with you" kind of way; c) uninformative, as in there was hardly anything written in their profiles and made me think that they were either too lazy or unimaginative to write anything or were only on the site for one thing (wink, wink). Because of those things, I decided not to contact them or respond to them.

Of course, not all the profiles on chemistry.com are less than appealing. The guys that I've contacted and responded to are the ones who wrote interesting things in their profiles. Although writing an online dating profile obviously isn't the same thing as writing a short story or a novel, I think it is important to keep your audience in mind. If your profile is full of cliches, misspelled words, or offensive statements, you're going to turn your audience off and make them stop reading.

Recently, I've gotten some e-mails from a few guys who seem okay, although one guy wanted me to give him my contact information right away because he had only signed up for the "free communication weekend" and apparently he didn't want to pay for a regular membership. Gee. Stuff like that makes me feel as if I've finally found "the one".

If you were to write an "introductory" e-mail to someone on an online dating site, what kinds of things would you write?


  1. "I don't think I'd be willing to be one of many girlfriends, even though the girls in your photos look really happy to be sitting in your lap." Lol. The "Oh, wait... you can!" line cracked me up as well. What is wrong with people?!? I never understood why people in the olden days used to be so obsessed with being so polite and permanently appropriate, but now I'm starting to see the appeal.

  2. Hi FreeFlying,
    I do wish that some things were still like they were in the olden days. I mean, guys don't have to act like they do in a Jane Austen novel, but I do wish that they would think before they post stuff like that in their profiles.

  3. Love this post! So funny.

    I was just looking at a guy’s profile, and he was very clear about wanting a serious girlfriend. As in, he wrote something like, “if you are into dating a lot of guys, no judgment and have fun, but please don’t message me as I am looking for a long-term relationship.” I have to say, I liked his honesty. As I posted earlier this week, I am thinking of changing my profile to reflect that I want a friends-with-benefits type of relationship. That way, guys who DO want more of a serious thing won’t waste my time or theirs.

    That said, the “few good hotties” thing is just…ew. He’s trying to be clever and failing miserably.

    I HAVE actually published some of my OKCupid messages, and my retorts. If a guy comments on my boobs, he’s out. Ditto if it’s just something like, “you’re hot.” How do I know you’re not sending that to 25 other women? What gets me is when a guy has clearly read my profile, because he mentions a book or movie I said I liked.

    Oh, and also? Don’t ask me out in the first message. That’s just weird. You wouldn’t go up to someone in public and ask them on a date without talking to them first. Not outside of rom-coms, anyway.

  4. I was nodding along with your letters until you criticized the guy who criticized the girl who didn't know where his home state was... that would annoy me too. I think he is my soul mate. Give him my info please and thank you.

    I don't know that I would ever write an intro message, I'd probably just click a million "I'm interested" buttons. Because I'm old fashioned like that (Slash it scares me, eee.) BUT I did one time apply for a job to be someone's assistant and write all his communications on a dating website, lol. It would have been such a hilarious job.

  5. Hmm, pretty much what's on my google profile. Also I will not be watching sports, chick flicks, or your kids with or without you. Then there's the smoking thing and the heavy partying thing. I do neither and would rather not be subjected to it. Oh yeah and confidence is good, arrogance bad. Must have balls but not everyone needs to see 'em, you know? And intelligence. Wow, I'm picky. I'm going to tell the bf how lucky he is for being chosen. Lol!

  6. Hi No Way Cupid,
    When I was on okcupid, there were some guys who would ask me out in the first message. They wouldn't even tell me anything about themselves; they'd just either include their phone number or ask me to go out right away. I never responded to any of them.

    Hi mmarinaa,
    I actually deleted that guy's profile, the one who criticized the girl who didn't know where his home state was; I deleted him because he actually criticized other girls who he had dated or just observed in public in his profile.
    I can't believe someone would hire other people to write all his online dating communications. That would be a hilarious job. It's kind of like the Cyrano story, in a way. But I think he should write his own communications, because he'll eventually have to make conversation with the people he dates when he meets them in person.

    Hi Hannah,
    I put down in my profile that I'd rather not date anyone who's a smoker too. Confidence is definitely a good thing. A lot of the guys I've seen on this site make it clear that they're not into partying; they say that they don't like the bar scene anymore.

  7. Just to clarify: I deleted that guy's profile from my list of matches, but I didn't delete him from the site. But that would be interesting if I could do that.

  8. Asking weight? I wouldn't give a guy like that a 2nd thought.

    You should be able to say, "I'm interested" back. Sorry buddy. Ball is back in your court. What now?

    I'd probably have a typo or two in my profile. It's happened to me so many times on queries, I can only assume the more I care, the more I screw up. Maybe that's what my profile would say.

  9. I have never been on one of those sites but my sister made up a fake person on a dating site just to see what was out there. People are a little weird in their approaches, that is for sure.

  10. Hi Theresa,
    I think that even girls who weigh less than 125 pounds wouldn't want to date a guy like that. I think on chemistry.com you can click on "I'm interested" in your response; I'm thinking of trying that the next time someone sends me one of those "I'm interested" messages.

    Hi Plain Jane,
    I think there should be a book (although there probably is at least one, if not more than one) about the right and wrong way to approach people on dating sites. I'd send info about that book to all of those guys with weird profiles. :)

  11. I love the "Dear Mr. Wrong" section. Awesome. I'm especially a fan of the guys who won't date women over a certain weight. So, if I was 126 lbs., I should hit the road? What a way to clearly describe the kind of person he is in so few words. I feel your pain, girl.

  12. Hi Melanie,
    I've read several profiles that told me a little too much about the guys' personalities. I was thinking the same thing about the guy who demanded that his match be no more than 125 pounds; I wonder if he brings a scale along on his dates?

  13. Dude. I'm totally doing chemistry.com freebie weekend because of you, haha. (But it seemed more relevant to this entry to bring it up...) It's my first real dating website and it's blowing my mind. I want more matches though! And I totally get why most guys don't do anything beyond sending the "I'm Interested" thing. It's intimidating to be the first to say something! Unless someone like super blows my mind, I don't know if I would even know what to say. "Your profile mildly interested me, enough for me to click I'm interested in the hopes that you will do something in return to really, really catch my eye..." That's what I think I would say to them, haha.

    But it's okay. I just got an email in response. It made me giggle, i.e. totally caught my eye. He's clearly my soul mate. And it's all thanks to you. I am pre-inviting you to the wedding that is sure to follow!

  14. Hi mmarinaa,
    I'm so glad that you found a nice guy! I do like chemistry.com better than the other sites because they pick the matches for me, so that I don't have to spend hours going through a bunch of profiles. They send up to 5-10 matches a day, but lately I've only been getting four or five. I think if you want more matches you have to widen your preferences; for example, you could widen the age range of the guys that you're looking for. I think the weekend ends today, though, but I think there might still be a 3 months for the price of 1 discount; that's what I used when I signed up for the membership, and I just googled it and found it since I don't think they advertise the discount on the site.