Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I WISH I was bringing sexyback

Even though I hate flirting, I have always had this fantasy of walking down the street and being the center of every guy's attention. Lest you call me egotistical, don't lie; ladies, you know you've had that fantasy at least once. It's definitely an ego boost if you catch someone cute (but not creepy) checking you out. And guys, you know you wouldn't mind people checking you out while you strut down the street.

Normally I tend to walk very fast when I walk around. I'm usually in a hurry to get someplace, and it always bugs me when people stand in the middle of the sidewalk to chat with their friends or point out how high the buildings are or even just pause for a millisecond, because then I have to walk into the street to get past them. Or, if I've had enough caffeine, I may or may not just barrel right through.

But before I left Chicago last week, I decided to try doing that "sexy" walk in East Lakeview, which is my favorite neighborhood in Chicago. It's filled with trendy clothing boutiques, cool used bookstores, coffeehouses, and great restaurants. Unfortunately, the rent is pretty high there, so I can't afford to live there. But I can still visit the neighborhood every now and then, right?

(Side note: Do you notice how in movies and music videos, whenever people do that sexy walk down the street, it's always really windy? And then their hair starts flipping over their shoulders, but never in their eyes? And yet no one else on that same street seems to be affected by the wind.)

So I put on my highest shoes, and OWWWWWW! These shoes hurt! They LOOK good, but they don't FEEL good! How come guys don't have to wear these things? I can't do the sexy walk if I'm in pain! Right now I bet the shoemakers are cackling maniacally as they say, "You didn't think you could actually WALK in those things, did you?"

So I put on my slightly high shoes, and ahhh. That's better. I start walking down Belmont Avenue, and so far, so good. I can do that walk I've seen movie stars and musicians do. Sure. How do they do it? Do they swing their hips? But then how do they keep from bumping into people, as I've done twice already? Sorry, people!

I keep walking, and any minute now it's going to happen for me, and....ooh! There's a used copy of Steve Almond's Candyfreak in that bookstore! I've been wanting to read that for months! I go into the used bookstore and buy the book for six dollars. Woohoo! I want to read that book right now!

Wait. What was I doing again? Oh, right.

I start walking again once I leave the store. I see a cute guy glance over at me, and at that moment....AHHH! PBBBPTHHH! PBBBBPTHHH! YUCK! I think a bug just flew in my mouth! AHHHH! I think I just swallowed it!

Oh, JEEZ. Now the guy is looking at me, but it's only because I'm scratching at my tongue in a frantic attempt to get the bug out.

I need a break. I need something to wash out my mouth with. I go into Starbucks and buy a Frappuccino to wash out the taste of what may or may not have been a bug. On second thought, a large cup of caffeine might not be the thing to calm me down, but whatever. At least I don't taste bug anymore.

I leave Starbucks and cross the street. How am I supposed to do this walk if there are so many people on the street? In the movies the streets always seem to clear for the person doing the windy, sexy walk. Let's try this again.

Okay. I'm walking, and AHHHHH! There's a dead rat on the ground! AHHHH!! I start running, and then I run SMACK into a guy walking in the opposite direction. "Sorry," I tell him, all out of breath. "I was running from a...from, um..." A dead rat, I want to add, but then I realize how weird that would sound. He shakes his head and then moves on.

I give up. I'm going back to my fast, impatient, barrel through tourists walk. It's always served me best.


  1. ...funny post:) Guys in heels? I'm cringing right now. Grown men toppling over, ankles snapping like twigs, at the slightest breeze...the one from your sexy walk. Bad visual.

  2. Hahahha! I'm with you on this. I have tried many times to saunter and it never happens - or it happens for about 10 seconds. I'm just not a sexy-walk kinda gal, I'm afraid.

  3. Every time I attempt the sexy walk, I trip all over myself. Hell, half the time when I attempt to walk, period, I trip all over myself.

    And Candyfreak is awesome, as is all of Steve Almond's stuff.

  4. LOL they can do it in the movies because the crew has cleared the dead rats off the sidewalk and other minor annoyances to the sexy walk.

  5. haha!
    i don't know how to do the sexy walk either. when you figure it out you'll have to give us a tutorial!

  6. Hi Elliot,
    I think it's only fair that guys wear heels for one day, just so they can see what it feels like, tee hee.

    Hi Talli,
    It's good to know I'm not the only one! Maybe if I got a portable wind machine to make my hair do that cool flip...

    Hi maybeimamazed02,
    Candyfreak was awesome! I heart Steve Almond now.

    Hi KarenG,
    I need my own crew. Could they double as an entourage?

    Hi mi,
    I could give a tutorial, but I doubt I'll ever figure it out. I bet the movie stars have a hard time with that walk in real life too, though the paparazzi don't seem to get those shots as often.

  7. I have little tears in the corners of my eyes. Bugs and rats are NOT sexy.
    And I can't wear very high heels either. If it makes you feel any better, those "sexy walks" in movies probably have about fifty takes.

    And where was the wind? Isn't Chicago "The Windy City"? Where is it when you need it?

    You'll have a better chance of meeting a guy in Starbucks.

  8. Nooooooooooo! Don't go back to it. Do the sexy walk again. You just need practice practice practice :)

  9. This post made me crack up :)

  10. great post! i definitely have that same fantasy...sigh. yet i can't seem to achieve it either. ah well. someday we will bring sexy back haha :)

  11. Hi Theresa,
    Actually, East Lakeview is also home to Boystown, so many of the guys in that area are gay. So that decreases my chances of my meeting a straight guy over there even more.

    Hi Annah,
    I'd practice, but I'm afraid of getting a bug flying in my mouth again. :)

    Hi sunehra,
    Thanks! I try to keep a sense of humor about embarrassing myself, especially because I do it so often.

    Hi catherine,
    Yes, someday! I just wish there were more comfortable heels out there; they'd sell really quickly

  12. I have often dreamt of this moment. To this day, I am 25 years old, married to a man, and have NEVER been hit on by a male. However, MANY women have "fallen in love" with me.

  13. Life doesn't always imitate art. Besides, walking fast w/ comfortable shoes gets you to your destination a lot faster.

    But you got a nice book out of the walk -- thanks for the recommendation.

  14. Hi hermione329,
    That's interesting that women have fallen in love with you. I must admit that's never happened to me. At least I don't think it has...

    Hi notesfromnadir,
    Yes, comfortable shoes are definitely a must. Candyfreak is pretty good; Steve Almond took a tour of several different candy factories and described how they worked. I like reading books about work. :)

  15. Neurotic Workaholic!

    I've always had the fantasy of walking down the street and being the center of every guy's attention too! (~_^)

    You're trying to find a guy in Boystown?! You are such a mess! LOL

    Maybe we should stroll the Windy City and search for hotties together! You get the straight dudes, I get the gay ones!


  16. Hi Dean,
    We should search for guys together! We could be each other's wingman, haha!
    And yeah, I know I won't find a guy in Boystown. It's still fun to walk around there, though.