The Nonflirt

In high school, I was voted Most Likely to Become a Nun. (Side note: I was also voted Worst Driver, which was totally unfair because I was one of the only ones of those yahoos who never got so much as a speeding ticket in high school. Ok, technically I did park in the no-parking zone once, but that was on my first day as a licensed driver! And besides, I didn't even get into my first fender-bender until AFTER I graduated! Sheesh.)

Even in high school I was a total workaholic. In the mornings, while most of the other students sat in front of their lockers flirting or gossiping, I'd be buried in my books, reviewing my notes or double-checking my homework to make sure I did it right. Back then I was so focused on getting into a good college and getting out of my small town, which I loved because it was home, but which I still wanted to leave for someplace different and more exciting.

An old friend from high school once told me that I was a "nonflirt". Years later, a guy friend told me that I gave off an unapproachable/disinterested vibe, and he's gay; I figured that if a gay guy could tell I was a nonflirt, then straight guys would probably be able to tell too.

Here's the thing: I hate flirting. I don't condemn anyone who does flirt, because if it works for them, why not? But I'm not very good at it, and I have tried it a few times and failed miserably at it. I don't even like it when guys flirt with me, especially when they're obvious about it. And it gets even worse when the flirting turns into full-on harassment.

I spent three years living in a neighborhood that I hated because I used to get harassed by random guys on the street almost every day. Once I was trying to go into the grocery store, and some guy blocked my way and started yelling at me, babbling about what he wanted to do to me. And I thought, Man, I'm just here to buy Froot Loops, ok?

A few months ago I was waiting for a train and a guy came up to me, staring admiringly at my shoes. "Wow, those are great shoes," he said. "Where'd you get them?"

I didn't answer at first, because with some people in Chicago, if you respond to them, they may or may not talk your ear off for the next half hour. Finally I told him where I bought my shoes, and he just kept saying "Wow" and complimenting me on my footwear. I thought that he a) may have had a weird foot fetish, especially since he spent more time staring at my shoes than at my face; b) was genuinely interested in women's footwear because he had his own special collection at home; c) was just trying to make conversation. Either way, his attempts to talk were lost on me. It made me think of this other guy who once complimented me on my shoes; he was a guy that my parents once tried to set me up with, only he turned out to be gay.

When I worked as a bookseller, there was this coworker who kept hitting on me, despite the fact that I made it clear that I wasn't interested in him. Once I was ringing up a customer's purchase and Creepy Coworker came up behind me and literally whispered in my ear, saying, "Boo." He's lucky I didn't knock him over the head with a stack of books. I would have, too, but there were too many witnesses around. He also kept saying stuff like, "I'll only help you with that if you smile for me." I mean, really? I HATE when guys tell me to smile. It's like, if I don't WANT to smile, I'm not GOING to smile. It's one of my biggest pet peeves, right up there along with people who tell me to relax. Hello? I'm a neurotic workaholic; even when I sleep I dream about work.

I was browsing in a bookstore a few months ago, and this one guy came up to me and asked me to recommend a book. I said that I didn't work there, and I looked pointedly at the booksellers standing nearby. But he wouldn't leave me alone, so finally I went into my former bookseller mode and showed him the bestsellers. I also pointed him towards the sci-fi section (guys like sci-fi, right? I dunno; I was just trying to avoid my impulse to knock him over the head with a stack of books). And then I quickly walked off before he could ask for my phone number.

You know what I do like? When guys talk to me without trying to put on an act or without using cheesy pick-up lines. When they talk to me like a potential friend, because I think it really is true that the best relationships can start from friendships. When they have a sense of humor and can make me laugh without trying too hard. And it's nice because with those types of guys, especially if you like them, you don't even have to flirt because you get a thrill just by being near them, and it isn't that hard to tell if they feel the same way, even if they're not flirting.

What about you? Any funny flirtation stories? Or do you get turned off by flirting as much as I do?