Tuesday, July 3, 2018

I Give Up

I am a horrible person, and I deserve what happened to me because I should have seen the signs. Or rather, I did see the signs, but I chose to ignore them.

When I saw pictures of the Model with another woman on her Instagram page several weeks ago, I was crushed because that made me realize that there really was no hope that I'd ever get to be with him again. But then just a couple weeks after I saw those pictures, he contacted me, saying that he wanted to see me again. He didn't mention that woman, and I didn't ask. He left College Town to go back to his new place in Chicago, but he said he wanted to see me when he got back.

I wanted to believe that that other woman was just someone he was casually dating. After all, she'd only posted a few pictures of him, and they were all recent. Maybe they had just met, and he couldn't be that into her, after all, if he wanted to be with me again, right?

Wrong.

I couldn't shake the nagging suspicion that there was more to this other woman than meets the eye. So I checked out her Instagram page again and looked further. To my dismay and horror, I realized that she was living with him. There were several pictures of her from months ago in her apartment, the same apartment that the Model started photographing himself in as recently as March. That means that he moved in with her less than four months after he dated me, and based on my online sleuthing, they weren't even dating as of January. She mentioned something about "rebuilding" what they had in one of her posts, which made me think that she was an ex (I think she may even be his former fiancee because he'd once mentioned that he'd been engaged before) and they'd gotten back together.

Could it be that they broke up again, and that he reached out to me after the breakup? Wrong again. Two weeks after he and I slept together, he posted pictures of himself on vacation in Mexico. On his Instagram page, he only posts pictures of himself, no one else, because he really is that narcissistic. I knew that if she posted pictures of Mexico, that meant that she was there with him.

Sure enough, a few days later, she posted a series of pictures of the two of them in Mexico: getting massages on the beach, drinking wine while watching the sunset, her sitting on his lap, etc. She bragged about her "beautiful" relationship with him and how he was the perfect guy (if only she knew!). When I saw those pictures, I realized that he was still dating her when he reached out to me that last time. That sociopath used me to cheat on his girlfriend.

When I saw those pictures, my heart broke, and it was like something froze up inside of me. I recognized that feeling. When I was in high school, I had a huge crush on this guy I worked with at my first part-time job. I asked him out, and he said no. At that moment, I felt something freeze up inside of me. That "something" was the belief that I could find happiness with someone and be his girlfriend.

After my high school crush rejected me that day, I withdrew into my work for years. It was better and safer to be a workaholic. I kept my heart closed off all that time because I didn't want to let anyone break it ever again.

I finally realized, however, that it was time to put myself out there and try dating again. I did everything I could think of to meet someone special. I went to a speed-dating party. I joined a youth group at my church and fell for a really great guy, who fell for someone else. I tried seven different online dating sites. I became friends with Small Town Guy, and watched him fall in love with someone else.

And then I met the Model, and all of a sudden it was like I finally understood what all the fuss was about. I know that whatever he and I had wasn't serious. I know that we weren't exclusive. But that didn't stop me from falling hard for him from day one. I should have blocked him the first time he messaged me on Tinder. I could have saved myself months of emotional turmoil.

When I slept with him that last time, I really didn't know that he was in a serious relationship with her. I really did think that they had just met and weren't exclusive yet. There were all these red flags, but I ignored them because I just really wanted to be with him again. That's why I deserve all the pain and heartache that I'm feeling right now. I never should have agreed to see him that night, and if I'd known that he was in a serious relationship I wouldn't have. I'm a horrible, stupid person. But he's worse.

I texted him to tell him that I'd found his girlfriend's Instagram page and seen the pictures of them together. He didn't answer. I texted him again to tell him to delete all the texts we sent each other. I was afraid that she might get suspicious too one day, go through his texts, and find out about me. She might track me down somehow and confront me at the school where I teach. That may seem unlikely, but you hear stories of women angrily confronting "the other woman" all the time. As they say, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". If she did that to me, my professional reputation would be destroyed and I might even lose my job. And then I'd fight back against BOTH of them as hard as I could because my work is all that I have left and I'll be damned if I let either of them take that away from me.

He didn't answer my other text either. I thought at first that he was too much of a coward to apologize or explain himself, but then I realized that he just doesn't care. He doesn't care that he hurt me because he never cared about me. What I don't understand is why, if his relationship is so perfect with her, he would reach out to me to hook up. It's one thing for him to treat me like crap because he doesn't give a damn about me (although that doesn't justify what he did to me). But it's another thing for him to betray her when he supposedly cares about her.

He still comes back to College Town a lot because his friends and family live here, and he goes to my gym when he comes here. If I see him again, I might do one of several things: 1) "accidentally" drop a weight on his foot; 2) "accidentally" drop my fist on his face; 3) tell the biggest bodybuilder (preferably one with a bad temper) at the gym that the Model hit on his girlfriend; or 4) ask him why he did that and tell him that it is not okay to treat me like that.

The Model's girlfriend has no idea that he's a cheating liar with no conscience. She gets to live "happily ever after" with him, and he gets away scot-free with cheating on her and breaking my heart. And I get nothing.

Unlike the Model's girlfriend, I am no longer a romantic. I am a cynic, and can you really blame me? I'm thirty-seven years old, and I've been on many bad dates with the wrong guys and failed to make a real, lasting connection with any of them. I'm sick and tired of trying. Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me that I don't get to have a "happy ending" with anyone and that I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my life.

That feeling I had that day that my high school crush rejected me, that feeling where I felt my heart closing up against everyone else, is back, stronger than ever. My Bumble membership expires next week, and I'm not going to renew it. I'm going to renew my focus on my workaholic life because at least there, I can focus on becoming a respected scholar, continue climbing the academic ladder as a college professor, and also devote myself to my writing too. At least those things can make me happy, unlike a narcissistic sociopath with no conscience. If I'm meant to find love, I'm going to let it find me, because I'm done trying. I'm just done, period.

If you were me, would you confront him? Or would you just ignore him? (And don't worry, I'm not going to tell his girlfriend what happened. She probably wouldn't believe me, especially because the Model is a master manipulator and would convince her that I was lying.)

P.S. I'm sorry about the negative tone of my post. It was either write about it or down a bottle of liquor. I figured it was better to do the former.

16 comments:

  1. It's such a hard situation to be in. I'm sorry this scum did this to you and her. He's the one who should really feel sorry, and I'm sure he doesn't. I hope the venting helps you.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      I think if he truly felt sorry for what he did to me, he would have at least texted back an apology/explanation by now. But he didn't. Thank you, though, for talking with me about this the other day. I appreciate you being there for me as a friend. :)

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  2. I would walk away and block him from my phone and never look for him again in any social media. Fresh start.

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    1. Hi Lynda,
      That is good advice, thank you. On the one hand, social media did enable me to find out what kind of arrogant, cheating jerk he really is. But on the other hand, you're right that I shouldn't look at his (or her) social media pages again. Seeing the pictures of them together on her page really hurt.

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  3. Oh, I'm so sorry this happened. I have had some bad experiences that have turned me into a cynic as well. I know there aren't any words that make it easier now but I hope in time you will be able to make peace with the fact that you are better off without such a liar and cheat. Sending you many hugs. Take care!

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    1. Hi Julie,
      Thank you, and thanks for the hugs. :) The rational part of my brain knows that I'm better off without him because I am so angry at him for what he did to me. But the emotional part of me still feels sad when I remember seeing those pictures of the two of them together on her page. And he's a hypocrite because part of his Instagram "brand" (he has a six-figure following) is that he presents himself as this thoughtful, sensitive, and nice guy, when in reality he's a lying, cheating, sociopath with no soul.

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  4. I am so sorry. I hope you've got all the bad out of the way and that there's nothing but happiness waiting for you. And that the next kiss will be from the prince and not the frog.

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    1. Hi Sandra,
      Thank you for your kind words. I hope that there won't be any more bad stuff, especially not as far as he's concerned. Even though they live in Chicago for the most part, I know they come to College Town occasionally, and I'm so afraid I'll see them together. It was bad enough seeing the pictures of them on her Instagram page. And the Model is not only a frog but also one of those evil villains in fairy tales, the ones that present themselves as having good intentions but have nothing but bad ones.

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  5. I think you should ignore him. If you see him, pretend he doesn't exist. He loves attention, so don't give it to him. I know it is hard.

    It is not your fault. You are not responsible for his actions. How were you supposed to know he was in a relationship, if he didn't tell you. He's toxic and you don't need that in your life.

    I think you should have more fun too. Even if it is by yourself. Take yourself out for a movie. Or treat yourself to nice restaurant every now and then. Just because you're single doesn't mean you just have to focus on work. I did that in my twenties and missed so much.

    I hope you stop torturing yourself, because this could happen to anyone. Cheer up. You deserve so much better.

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    1. Hi Murees,
      Thank you for your good advice and thoughtful words. You're right about how he loves attention; that's why he likes being an Instagram "celebrity". People fawn over his shirtless pics and literally beg him for attention, pleading with him to read their DMs, and he enjoys it. In his mind, the world revolves around him. I think that's one reason he's with that girlfriend of his; based on how she described him in her post, it's clear that her entire life revolves around him.
      I did actually try going to a movie this past Tuesday. But I made the mistake of checking her Instagram page during a bathroom break, and that's when I saw her pictures from Mexico, the ones of them together. I sat in that movie theater, crying quietly, while everyone else around me laughed at the movie.
      You're right though. I do deserve better. She may get to spend the rest of her life with him, especially because I wouldn't be surprised if they get engaged yet again and a year from now (or less, considering how quickly they moved in together) she'll be posting wedding pictures. But she'll be spending her life with a narcissistic, hypocritical, lying cheater who puts his own needs and wants above everyone else's and doesn't care if he hurts others. At the very least, that last time with him helped me see his true character in all its hideousness.
      But thank you again for what you wrote. It helps. :)

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  6. What a douche! Do not feel stupid over this - it's all on him, not you. You've already done the smart thing by following up to see what the deal was with this other woman, and now you know. It's totally understandable that this would cause you to take a step back on the dating front for a little while, but now that you know the full depth of his douchery, I hope that helps you break free of the hold he had on you.

    I agree that the best thing to do is to ignore him and not give him any more of your time or energy. Though, what I feel like doing is...well, something I typed out but then deleted because it sounds too crazy and vicious (but still totally deserved).

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    1. Hi Nicki,
      Thank you. I thought something was off about the whole situation. For one thing, I wondered why he kept going back to Chicago when he still keeps an apartment here.
      He's definitely had a hold on me for months, especially after he ghosted me the first time. I've thought about him way too much, and what I want is to just move on with my life. I hate that despite the fact that I feel so much anger and hate towards him now, there is still a part of me that has lingering feelings for him. I wish I could just destroy all those feelings immediately.
      I've imagined several different scenarios of what it would be like to see him again, and at least one of them included me fighting him like a ninja.

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  7. I don't really have an answer but I would say the best thing would be to move on, clean slate. Take time for you and concentrate on what makes you happy. It sounds like your career and writing are going really well so don't let this drag you down. Good luck!

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    1. Hi Nick,
      Thank you for the advice. My professional situation is better than it was at the last school I taught at. They just renewed my contract for a second year, so I won't have to move again, at least not this year. I think I do need to take time for myself and just focus on my work. I think that one reason the Model prefers his girlfriend over me is that if her Instagram page is any indication, her life completely revolves around him, whereas I was always preoccupied with my work.

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  8. That guy is a real piece of work. Forget about him. Block him on your phone. Ignore him if you see him. Be the bigger person because you are. Also, I agree with Murees...you need to connect with yourself. Learn to be happy as a single woman first, have fun by yourself, and then the right person will come into your life. Whatever your happy ending is, you'll get it. :)

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    1. Hi Chrys,
      Thank you. And I know, right? The thing is, his Instagram followers believe that he's this "nice guy" because that's the persona he presents online, whereas in real life he treated me like crap, led me on, and used me to cheat on his girlfriend. And I must admit that I can't help resenting her too. She could be the nicest person in the world, but it wouldn't change anything for me because she gets to experience the supposedly "good" side of him, and I experienced the bad side. She even referred to their vacation together as a "baecation". I would never be able to say that without rolling my eyes and possibly throwing up a little.
      And I think I do need to be single for a while. I wasn't really into the whole Bumble thing the second time around; I just did it because I felt like I should, but I didn't really want to do it.

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