Attention Shoppers

(Here's what I wish I could say to certain people I've observed or encountered when I go Christmas shopping.)

If you keep throwing temper tantrums because the items you wanted are out of stock or if you keep screaming at the salespeople for not working fast enough, Santa won't just put you on his naughty list. He'll put you on his never list.

Eating a candy cane is not the same thing as brushing your teeth.

Scented lotion is not a substitute for soap.

If you not only cut in front of me in line but push me aside and then start talking to the cashier while I'm still talking to the cashier, then I will charge you like a bull.

Salespeople are human beings too. Remember that the next time you get impatient with one of them. They don't want to say the same old sales pitch any more than you want to hear it. They also don't want to have to work throughout the entire holiday season with no break, because the corporate employers who control their stores apparently have the motto: Why rest during Christmas when you can make money? (For US, not for YOURSELF)

If you freak out because Starbucks is out of the Gingerbread Latte, then perhaps it's time for decaf, no?

Thank you for the candles that you gave me as a Christmas gift. Unfortunately I can never light them because I live in a tiny studio apartment, and my smoke detector goes off every time I turn on my gas stove. My neighbors probably either think I am some kind of pyromaniac or just a bad cook.

If you say, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything," do you think that Santa will put coal in my stocking if I get myself something with the money that I would have spent on you?

It's the holiday season again. When I was younger, I used to be so excited for Christmas. This was back when I still believed in Santa Claus, made snow angels and had snowball fights every time there was snow on the ground, ate Christmas cookies, and got up at the crack of dawn so that I could open my presents.

Now that I'm an adult (technically, anyway), I haven't believed in Santa Claus ever since I realized that his handwriting on the gift tags that he left on my presents was exactly the same as my father's handwriting. When there's snow outside, I automatically think, "Great. I just bought these shoes, and now they're going to be ruined." I spend hours at the gym to work off the calories from those Christmas cookies. And I get up at the crack of dawn to shop for presents (and by shop for presents, I mean arm-wrestle fellow shoppers over bargains. This year, I'm going to arm-wrestle AND tickle fellow shoppers in order to get to the bargains first.).

I actually haven't started my Christmas shopping yet. That's because I've been caught up with school and work, as usual. The holiday season brings back bad memories of working in retail during the holidays, when I didn't get to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's like normal people do because I had to work instead. (I feel sorry for the people working in movie theaters on Christmas Day. I know because I used to be one of them too.) And you know how a lot of stores play Christmas songs? Yeah. Imagine listening to the same Christmas songs over and over and over again, day after day after day.

But before you think of me as a neurotic version of Scrooge, I'll admit that there is one thing I like about Christmas: the decorations. I like going downtown and seeing the city all lit up. I like seeing the Christmas displays in the store windows, and I like how other people, who normally rush around from place to place, stop and admire all the decorations with smiles on their faces. I like seeing people bringing Christmas trees home, and I imagine what the trees are going to look like once all the ornaments and lights are on them. And for just that moment, it's like I'm a little girl at Christmas again.

What about you? What do you like/dislike about Christmas? How do you feel about holiday shopping?