Anyone who's ever gone to grad school, law school, or med school has wanted to drop out at least a thousand and one times. I've been tempted to quit, especially lately, because the stress that comes with (trying to) complete my dissertation and living off of a tiny stipend drives me up the wall sometimes. I turned in another draft to my dissertation director and advisor, and according to them, it still needs a lot of work. (What I need is a roomful of coffee, a time machine, and a private place to scream.)
Every once in a while, I can't help thinking what it would be like if I were to just walk away from grad school and live a "normal" life like everyone else. Maybe I wouldn't be such an obsessive, neurotic workaholic. Maybe I would be "normal" too.
Sometimes I get so frustrated, sad, and angry that I want to lie on my bed and listen to "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. or Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill album (and maybe make my dissertation committee listen to it). Other times I want to dress all in black (most of my clothes are black anyway, so I'm halfway there) and go to open mic nights where I can read poetry about how academia is draining all the life out of my heart and my soul and I don't even have my one true love to make me feel better because I think that William Faulkner and Ernest Hemingway are less irritating than most of the guys I've dated (except I wouldn't want to date Faulkner OR Hemingway).
But I can't drop out of grad school, because...
1. I have learned more from my students than I have from anyone else.
2. I am too much of a prude to work at Hooters or a strip club. (Unless they start letting the employees wear turtlenecks and baggy pants that I would never have to take off.)
3. Seeing as how I started having nightmares that Stephen King's Carrie White went to my school after I watched the movie, I would never be able to work as a doctor and see so much blood on a regular basis without shrieking and curling up into the fetal position.
4. I'd still have the urge to correct people's grammar, except I would no longer be able to say it's part of what I do for a living.
5. I wouldn't be able to read novels without over-analyzing the political/psychological/economic/social/racial significance of every aspect of them.
6. Other than teaching, the only job I am qualified for is retail, because I spent years working in stores. And I really DON'T want to spend the rest of my life saying, "Thank you for shopping here! Have a nice day!" when what I really want to say is, "Karma will GET you! And I'll be laughing maniacally when it does!"
7. The baristas at Starbucks might show up at my door, pleading, "Please come back! We'll give you free biscotti!" because I won't spend as much money on the coffee I need to stay awake and get all my work done.
8. Everything I've been through in the past decade - all the seminars, the teaching jobs, the retail jobs that made me want to SCREAM, the sacrifices I've had to make - will have been for nothing.
9. I'll never be able to walk past a college without feeling envious of every professor who gets to teach there.
10. I might not write as much fiction, because every time I feel angry, frustrated, or stressed, I pour out what I'm feeling into my fiction writing. The stories I write provide an escape from all the papers I have to grade, the grade complaints from students, the research I have to do, the lectures I have to attend, and the professors who keep telling me to revise, revise, revise. When I write, I feel happy, and it makes everything else a little more bearable.
So I think I'm going to stay in graduate school. I'm only a year and a half away (I hope) from finishing the Ph.D. But in the meantime, I think I'm going to find my Alanis Morissette CD and listen to "You Oughta Know" on repeat for a while.
What about you? Do you ever wish you could quit the work that you're doing? What keeps you from walking away?
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Your lists are so entertaining. And really wise...and healthy too, I think. I've lived my entire life telling myself I can quit - school, jobs, marriage - even though I never do. But somehow knowing that I CAN quit but choose to stay makes it more bearable. I hope you find it does the same for you.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, blast that Alanis! This might be an urban legend, but have you ever heard that she wrote that song about the actor/comedian who plays Joey on Full House? (I hope I didn't just ruin that song for you, heh.)
Hi Nicki,
DeleteI remember what Dave Coulier looked like in the 90s; he's nice-looking, but it's still strange that he would inspire such rage in her. I do like that album, though.
Sometimes I feel like I can't quit grad school, because I think of what people (particularly my professors and the other grad students) would say. I also can't help thinking of how hard I've worked over the past several years in order to stay in graduate school, which makes it that much harder to quit. But on the other hand, no one's making me stay; I made that choice on my own. It wasn't an easy choice, though
I have a friend in the same situation. It's turned to anger/depression, and she's nearly done. All I can say is, hang in there. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Also, a private place to scream - a great title.
ReplyDeleteHi Libby,
DeleteThanks! I think that if I were to ever write a memoir about grad school, I'd use "a private place to scream" as the title of one of the chapters. I'd also include titles like "Sleeping is for Non-Academics" and "Footnotes Make You Sound Smarter".
#9 is the absolute truth of the matter and why you should not walk away from grad school. Only a year and a half away-- wow! When you graduate we will all celebrate with you!
ReplyDeleteHi Karen,
DeleteWhen I was an undergrad, I used to walk by my professors' offices in the English Department. I dreamed about what it would be like to have my own name on the door of my office. I still think about that sometimes.
What do you think "normal" is? Working at Hooters? Working retail? I feel that message was unclear in this entry, lol.
ReplyDeleteHi mmarinaa,
DeleteI guess "normal" for me would be someone whose life doesn't revolve around work, especially because even when I'm not working, I'm thinking about work. Not all academics are workaholics, but a lot of them are; it's partly what helps them succeed in their field.
You've been going to school a very long time. I don't blame you for wanting to quit! I'm glad you're not though. I think this would be one of those times that you'd look back and regret dropping out. It's one of those BIG decisions that changes your life. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHi Emily,
DeleteI have been in school for far too long. I originally thought I would be done by now, but it didn't work that way. I wish it didn't take so long to become a professor, especially because there's no guarantee I'll find a full-time job once I do finish.
I would regret dropping out, partly because I've come this far. I think it would have been easier to leave if I was still a first- or second-year grad student.
But thank you for the encouragement! :)
Awww...my daughter is a first year Medical Student and I get to listen to this every day. But hang in there and you;ll make it!
ReplyDeleteNas
Hi Nas,
DeleteThanks! I think (and hope) that the benefits of staying in grad school will outweigh the benefits of dropping out.
I worked in a neuroscience lab for a few years after college, and let me tell you... ALL of the grad students contemplated quitting at one time or another. Or on a consistent basis. So you are not alone!! I think it's tough when we are at a place that is different from our dream place, but sometimes it's necessary to keep chugging along. You're being so positive and remembering the good things, and I know you'll be able to make it through! Just don't beat yourself up when you feel discouraged. Totally natural.
ReplyDeleteHi Julie,
DeleteWhen I was an undergrad I never considered dropping out, because most people go to college or want to go to college. But grad school is different; it's viewed as a different kind of "choice", even though many careers do require graduate degrees now. I think that's why it's hard for some people like me to accept the consequences of our choices, because we keep thinking of what it would be like if we hadn't made these choices. But thank you for the encouragement! I appreciate it.
Oh, I don't know... I work in an office and I love my lattes :-) And I always have the urge to correct people's grammar.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I dream of going back to school for my master's degree...
Hi Deniz,
DeleteYou could go back to school for your master's degree; a lot of people with jobs go to grad school part-time. If you were considering an MFA, they have low-residency programs where you don't have to attend classes on campus for the whole year, just for a few weeks or a couple months, I think.
I didn't start drinking coffee until I was in grad school. But I suppose that even if I were to quit now, it'd be hard to give up coffee. :)
Well, the dream is to go back and do a Master's in English, so I can write a thesis on Tolkien :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Deniz,
DeleteA thesis on Tolkien would be interesting! You could also teach at some schools with an M.A. in English, and I'm sure that many undergrads would be interested in a class on Tolkien.
Teach?? Stand in front of a crowd??
ReplyDeleteSurely you jest :-)
When I worked as a teacher, recruiter, PR, etc, I used to dream quite often of quitting. Now that I'm fortunate to write full-time, I love it. But it's taken me a long time and a lot of job grief to get here!
ReplyDeleteHang in here. As you say, you're almost done!
Hi Talli,
DeleteKudos to you for making your dream come true. I hope that eventually I'll get to write full-time too. I like teaching, but it doesn't leave much time for writing.
It's a hard road but very rewarding. I'm thinking about heading back for a post grad course :)
ReplyDeleteHi Charmaine,
DeleteI hope that eventually everything I've gone through (and am still going through) will pay off. If you do go back to school, you'll definitely learn a lot. It's an interesting experience, even though it is also difficult.