I was recently invited to two weddings: a college friend's wedding at the end of this month and a cousin's wedding next fall. As I was looking over the wedding invitations, several questions went through my mind: What should I wear? What kind of wedding gift should I buy for the happy couple? Can I eat more than one slice of wedding cake, or would that be as rude as the people who drink too much champagne and end up passing out on the dance floor?
I also know that at my cousin's wedding in particular, I'll have to answer several questions from random relatives and guests (I know this because I've been asked these questions before):
"So when's your wedding?"
"Why are you wearing that?"
"You didn't come to this wedding alone, did you?"
"Is it true you're not dating anyone? Because I know someone I can set you up with."
"You're still in school? What, are you too afraid to work in the real world, or do you like being a professional student?"
"Don't you know that it will be more difficult for you to get pregnant as you get older? Don't you want to give your parents grandchildren?"
In many chick lit stories I've read and romantic comedies that I've seen, single women like me have to answer those awkward (and sometimes invasive) questions from people who can't understand how some people can enter their thirties without getting married or having kids. And that is the thing about being single as you progress through your twenties and enter your thirties: you have to go to more and more weddings and baby showers of several other people your age (or younger). You watch them moving on to the next phase of their lives, and you wonder if you'll ever have what they have.
It's not that I don't want to get married or have a family, because I do. It's not like I haven't tried to meet someone, as several of you know from reading my posts about online dating. But what am I supposed to say? Tell them that all the good guys are not on the online dating sites, at least none of the ones that I went out with? (Side note: Yes, I do know that there are plenty of good guys on those dating sites. It's just that all the not-so-good guys tend to eclipse them.)
I know that they (usually) mean well and/or are just curious, but I can't help feeling tempted to respond in a way that will make them stop asking me those questions:
"I'm sure my wedding will happen eventually. That Cathy character in the comic strip got married, so I'm sure that means there's hope for me too."
"I'm wearing this dress because my bullfighter's costume is at the cleaners."
"Yes, of course I came to this wedding alone. Didn't you see the movie Wedding Crashers? Those guys are my role models."
"If the person you want to set me up with is anything like your spouse, then forget it."
"Yes, I'm still in school. Maybe I am a professional student, but at least I haven't turned gossiping into a career like you have. I bet that you and Perez Hilton are besties."
"I had no idea that it would be more difficult for me to get pregnant once I entered my thirties. Thank you for telling me. By the way, you should steer your kids away from the candles that are arranged on the reception tables. They're trying to set the centerpieces on fire."
If you are/were single, what kinds of annoying questions do/did people ask you about your single status? What kinds of things would you like to say (or did say) in response?
Story Snip from Larksong: Chapter 33, Lynne Reid Banks RIP, and Springtime
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1 day ago
Wow! I can't believe people actually ask those questions!!
ReplyDeleteHi Johanna,
DeleteOh, I know. Fortunately, I know that not everyone at the weddings will be asking me those questions.
My Grandma asked me when I would get married. I told her after Aunt Shelly--my aunt is in her 50's and still single. (she wasn't there or I would never say that)...after that, no one has asked me when I am going to get married, or why I'm still single.
ReplyDeleteHi Sara,
DeleteThat's a good comeback. I used to have a book full of comebacks when I was younger; I wish I'd kept it.
I am going to play devil's advocate and ask why you don't entertain their help? They do mean well, and you know it, yet you want to scorn them and hate on their inquiries that could lead to concrete dates with eligible men? I am forever grateful to the people I went to college with who perpetually tried to help me find a man or lure a man or hell, in the beginning, even just non-awkwardly talk to a man. They taught me what I was doing wrong, most of which stemmed from inner monologues of scathing cynicism, and helped me to get over myself and admit that I really just wanted someone to hold me and tell me that I'm awesome...
ReplyDeleteSo here is how I would respond. "In all honesty, I don't know why I'm still single. And sometimes I really hate it. But what can I do?" And see what they have to offer by way of advice. And genuinely listen and consider it, even if it sounds like a stupid idea at first. Even if you think you're a trillion times better than whoever they offer as a potential mate. Because really, they probably do want to help make you happy.
Hi mmarinaa,
DeleteActually, one reason I "scorn" their questions is because I did let them set me up with a few guys in the past. One guy thought it was cool to make fun of a bellhop, just because the guy was in his thirties and doing a job like that. Another guy they introduced me to at a party barely listened to what I said, because he kept checking out my friend; he excused himself eventually and went over to talk to her for the rest of the party. The reason that a lot of those people I mentioned keep asking me those questions is because they don't entirely approve of how I am living my life, and several of them have directly told me so. So I don't think I'm unjustified in wishing that they would stop asking me those questions again and again.
I can relate, even though i'm in a relationship, i still get asked some the above. I've been in a long term relationship for years and i and my boyfriend often get asked when we will tie the knot.. When will we have kids etc. What's the big rush? People need to butt out, just because they've reached that time in their life does not mean everyone else has!
ReplyDeleteHi Alice X,
DeleteYou're right. Everyone has the right to decide when to get married or not. It's one thing to get asked these questions once in a while, but when we get asked on a regular basis it feels more like we're being pressured.
Yeeep, those nosy questions are annoying. And "Why are you wearing THAT" is rude, nomatter what
ReplyDeleteHi Gia,
DeleteI don't like shopping for dresses for events like that, partly because it's always difficult to find the "right" dress.
The dreaded, "So when's your wedding?" Tactless people! That used to be limited to something old people asked young people, but I hear more folks complaining about young married friends doing it.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about people scrutinizing each other over having (or not) children. It's not everyone's lot in life to breed and marry by the age of the 30! :)
EJ
Hi E.J.,
DeleteWhen I was younger, I really did think that I would be married with children by the time I was 30. But it just hasn't happened yet. I thought about telling all of those people all about my bad dates, but I figure that might not be the response that they're looking for.
LOL! Great answers!!! What ever happened to tact? It's dead I guess :)
ReplyDeleteHi Angela,
DeleteI wish I could use those answers, especially the Wedding Crashers one. Maybe then they might not try to set me up with less-than-eligible bachelors anymore.
I live in a very conservative area where MANY people get married at extremely young ages. I am only 22, and I have already seen some of my peers get married, most of them being under 21 years old. It's a strange feeling. That being said, I get questions like these all the time. I think what is most annoying for me about all of this is that NOTHING I do in my life will be as praised as finding a boyfriend/husband. I think I could get my PhD or write a award-winning book, and still the words, "I'm in a relationship!" would provoke more excitement from the people around me. It's an unfortunate reality, but just something I've come to accept. Do you find this to be true as well?
ReplyDeleteHi Teddi,
DeleteMany of the people I went to high school with got married and had kids before they turned 25, so I know how you feel. I think that marriage and family are things that most people can relate to, because so many people want these things. Not to mention marriage and family are viewed as "the happy ending" for most people, which is why many movies are geared towards that. I think it's perfectly okay to want marriage and kids (especially because that's what I want too), but I think it's also okay to want other things as well.
Ha! I love your Wedding Crashers answer.
ReplyDeleteBridget Jones's Diary had a funny scene when she had dinner with married couples. Her response didn't go over well.
Honestly, it doesn't get better. You're dating: When are you going to get engaged? You're engaged: When are you going to get married? You're married: When are you going to have kids? You're not getting any younger.
When I hear people ask those questions, I try to save the victim by saying, "Why are you pushing her to the next step? Are you going to keep going until you get her to the grave?"
Hi Theresa,
DeleteMaybe I should start carrying one of those bridal magazines around and show people all the wedding dresses I like. Then at least they'll think I'm being proactive. :)
I thought at first that all the pressure to get married and have kids was part of the American culture; that is, as Americans we're always pressured to be go-getters. But on the other hand, I think that people all over the world are pressured to get married and have kids. It's too bad I can't respond in several different languages.
Did you see Muriel's Wedding? She just pretends she's getting married and tries on wedding dresses. Shows how unstable people can get from the pressure. And that was in English-speaking Australia!
DeleteHi Theresa,
DeleteI did watch Muriel's Wedding a few years ago. I really like the two female leads in that movie. It was interesting how Muriel thought that marriage was the only thing that would make her happy, but she got a wake-up call instead.
This reminds me of the Sex and the City episode when Carrie loses her designer shoes at her friend's baby shower and her friend won't replace or pay for them. Carrie has given her friend lots of gifts over the years for her bridal shower, wedding, and other baby showers. To drive the point home she sends her friend an announcement that she's getting married to herself. There's a registery card with it to the shoe store that carries her lost shoes. Needless to say her friend replaces the shoes. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are often put in the situation where you have to defend your life. People should be less judgmental of what they don't know. Be patient with them and feel free to answer them simply, "it's none of your business." You don't have to satisfy their curiosity.
Hi Emily,
DeleteI love that show! Sex and the City makes single women like me feel better about being single. I wouldn't mind sending out an announcement like the one that Carrie sent out. It'd be nice not to be the one to have to spend a bunch of money on a fancy gift for a change. Except I'd register at Starbucks, if I could actually do that.
I didn't go to my high school reunion partly because I knew I'd get asked several of those questions. My life went in a different direction than most of my classmates' lives did, and I didn't know how to respond to them because I'm still figuring out the answers.
lol, these answers are so funny.
ReplyDeleteThere's awkward questions for every stage of your life though. There is no escape!
Hi Lynda,
DeleteI thought about writing one of those funny comebacks books, only I'd have separate sections for single people, married people, parents, etc. Maybe then I'll finally get rich. :)
Oh my God. I can't believe people actually asked you those questions - some have no shame!
ReplyDeleteMy strategy was to bring along a female friend and pretend she was my date. We'd drink and have fun and make up stories about how we met. Stopped the questions, because people were afraid to offend the lesbians. Ha!
Hi Talli,
DeleteYour strategy was so clever and funny! I thought about bringing a guy along who could pretend he was my date, like in that Debra Messing movie (except he wouldn't be a hired escort like in her movie). But then again I don't know of anyone who could be my pretend date, let alone a real one.
My grandmother is terrible about such questions (of course she's dramatic AND Italian...well the 2 can be synonymous LOL). Anyway, I always say "because boys are stupid." I'm half joking/half serious.
ReplyDeleteMostly, I am tired of games. I don't have that kind of time or energy and I refuse to settle, so... that leaves me (in the words of the song) "all by myself." :/
Hi Catherine,
DeleteI don't like playing games either. I like it better when everything's straightforward and out in the open, so that I'm not left wondering.
You shouldn't have to settle, because then you won't be as happy. I've read a few other blogs on dating and the single life, and I've seen other bloggers on those blogs actually advise single people like us to settle. Fortunately, none of the bloggers are like that on this blog.
You dont have to be bothered by thier questions. Though they may mean well, but they could be a lil bit nosy atimes. As long as you have the right attitude to life and u r living a clean life, your man will definitely come to you. Marriage is not a thing to be rushed into. Just make urself happy, and always have a positive attitude. God luvs us all and his plans for each one of us is different.
ReplyDeleteWww.frediliadtruthuncensored.blogspot.com.
Hi D truth Uncensored,
DeleteI agree that marriage is not a thing to be rushed into, especially because it's a life-long commitment that should be taken seriously. That's why I don't plan to get married anytime soon, just so I won't have to answer those questions anymore.
I like the bullfigher's costume answer :-)
ReplyDeleteI have to face a different set of questions: 'so how long have you been married? and you don't have kids?'
and the same question: 'don't you know it's more dangerous to have kids when you're older?'
Argh! I try to turn the conversation onto them - people seem to love answering questions about themselves.
Hi Deniz,
DeleteTurning the conversation onto them is definitely a good strategy; I'll have to try it sometime. I think that it's not necessarily good to tell people that it's more dangerous to have kids when they're older, because the people asking those questions may not know that the couple may be trying to have kids but haven't gotten pregnant yet. On the other hand, the only situation where I might actually ask that question about the risks of pregnancy is if the woman was in her fifties; I've heard stories about older women who somehow get pregnant or want to get pregnant when they are already in their fifties, which could be risky for them and their babies.
Aw, I'm so sorry that people are so rude. I'll give them an internet punch to the face for you.
ReplyDeleteI went to a small private college where about half the student population got married before graduation or the week after. I did get married, and it was about 8 months after graduation, but when I was as young as 20, people kept asking when I was getting engaged/married, because it was so expected in that environment. :-\
Hi Shelley,
DeleteThat's interesting that people were already asking you when you were only 20. A lot of my high school classmates did get married before they were 25, but I just didn't feel ready yet. Not to mention I was a total nerd in high school, so it's not like I had any marriage prospects. :)
LOVE THIS!! Ahaha! My fave is "I'm sure my wedding will happen eventually. That Cathy character in the comic strip got married, so I'm sure that means there's hope for me too." I'm 25 and live in NYC, it's very normal not to be married at this point. I'm sure these questions will start soon though, thanks for preparing me with awesome answers!
ReplyDeleteHi New York Cliche,
DeleteI actually liked Cathy better when she wasn't married, because it was fun to read the strips where she kept freaking out about her various boyfriends. I also wish she hadn't married that Irving character (I think that was his name); I didn't like him as much as the other characters.