Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Two Dates and He's Out

Recently I went out with another guy that I met on okcupid. This guy had just recently moved here from London. I must confess that one of the reasons I e-mailed him was because he was from England; I've always liked British accents, which I guess makes me a little shallow.

But I will add that a guy with an expensive sports car doesn't impress me very much. I get motion sickness on the swings, so I'm pretty sure that a ride in a sports car would end with me throwing up all over my date. A guy with a large bank account? Meh. If I cared that much about money, I wouldn't have become an English teacher, because I'm never going to get rich with this job. There are some perfectly nice rich guys, but there are other guys who let their wealth go to their heads. Just look at Donald Trump; his wealth not only went to his head but also to his hair.

But a guy with a great smile AND a British accent? Yes, please!

We went out for coffee and then dinner about a week and a half ago. It was honestly one of the best first dates I've had in a long time. He's a grad student like me (though he's in a different field), and we had a lot in common. There weren't any awkward pauses in our conversation, and I didn't feel nervous around him. We talked for hours. I barely checked my watch, unlike one of the dates I went on two years ago, where I checked my watch approximately twenty-three times.

We texted each other back and forth for the following week, and then this past Friday we went out for pizza. I probably shouldn't have suggested that we go to Giordanos, because I love the stuffed pizza there and I could've eaten a lot more than I did on the date. But I suggested that he take home the leftovers, even though in my mind I kept thinking, "Step away from the pizza! Mine!"

Then we went to a show at iO, which used to be called ImprovOlympic, in Wrigleyville. Before the show started and during intermission, there was this guy who kept chatting up my date. Then when he went to get a drink, the guy he was sitting with came back to his seat and also started chatting up my date. I guess they were intrigued by his accent, because they both asked him about England and told him about fun places to go to in Chicago. They saw me sitting there but kept talking to him (without talking to me).

At first I thought it might just be that Midwestern friendliness that makes a lot of people (especially people in Illinois) start up conversations with strangers. I myself do it sometimes. But on the other hand, I couldn't help thinking, Hey! Get your own date, MISTER! Not to mention Wrigleyville is right next to Boystown, so it's possible that that friendliness might actually have been flirtatiousness.

Watching the show (which was hilarious) made me think that dating is a lot like improvisation. There's no script, and it often feels like you're making it up as you go along. You have to read your partner's body language, and you're put on the spot to figure out the right things to do or say to keep your date interested.

At the end of the date, I was disappointed that he didn't kiss me, especially because he didn't kiss me on the first date either.  I did say in a recent post that I prefer to take things slow when it comes to dating, and that is true. But I think that a kiss at the end of a second date is okay, especially if it's from someone I really like. (If a guy I don't like tries to kiss me, on the other hand, I either make up some lie about how I think I might be coming down with mono or I quickly turn my face to the side when he leans in.)

We said goodbye at the train station in Wrigleyville because we were taking different trains. And Wrigleyville on a Friday night isn't exactly the most romantic place to be, especially when there are random guys running up and down the streets yelling, "WHOOO! Go Cubs! I am going to get SO DRUNK tonight!" There are other guys who think that the grass in front of apartment buildings is a reasonable substitute for a bathroom.

I suppose I could have made the first move, but I already e-mailed him first on okcupid, and I was the one who suggested that we meet in person for the first date. I was also the one who suggested that we go out a second time. Besides, I'm not very good at making the first move when it comes to kissing; I'm always afraid that my aim will be off and I'll end up kissing his ear or his shoulder.

He texted me the next day, but it was only one text message in response to a text that I sent him. I didn't say anything about a third date this time, because I was hoping that he would bring it up. He didn't. So yesterday I texted him to invite him to a movie next week. He never answered.

I suppose I should have seen the signs. He deleted his account on okcupid soon after our first date. I asked him why and he said that online dating was too annoying and took up a lot of time. I also thought I might have turned him off when I told him about the time I pushed a drunk frat guy off the train when the train stopped at one of the stations. I did it because the guy wouldn't stop harassing my friends and me, and he was scaring them. Besides, I'm sure Sir Drinks-A-Lot found his way back on the train at some point.

I thought that maybe my date just wanted to be friends, and that's why he didn't kiss me or ask me out again. But I don't think I could just be friends with someone I really like, because what if he were to start dating another girl and he wanted me to meet her? I might try to rip out all of her hair, starting with her eyebrows.

So I'm not going to try and contact him again. It's too bad. I really did like him a lot, better than most of the other guys I've met online. I guess it's back to okcupid, though I'm a little reluctant to try again; I recently got a message from some guy who told me about how hot he was.

What do you think about making the first move on dates? Do you think it's possible to be friends with someone that you have a crush on?


  1. I definitely would wait for him to contact you before you contact him again. It seems like your the only one making the effort and that means you'll have to initiate everything, the dates, the kiss, even the sex. Even though it's nearly 2012 and woman do that kind of thing now, it would get annoying having to make all the decisions all the time. Give it a couple days and if he doesn't try to contact you, he's not worth it. Though I'd have hard time letting go of an english accent to. Meh, don't fret it, keep looking til you find a good one. Best of luck to you.

  2. Hi Rawrr Roots,
    He never did call me, sighhh.... I agree with you that it is annoying to have to make all the decisions. A lot of the guys I've gone out with have left it up to me to plan the dates; they always say stuff like, "Oh, whatever you want to do is fine." I don't mind planning the date sometimes, but it's nice if the guy makes an effort too.

  3. I think it's a two way street, you need to put a little effort in. If you're going to look back at this moment years on and do the normal what if thing, get in contact with him right away - what's the worst that can happen, right?

    Also, no, it is not possible to be friends with someone you have a crush on. I say this from experience!

  4. Hi Tom,
    I think it's difficult to be friends with someone you have a crush on because there's always the hope that that person will see you as more than a friend. So the friendship just isn't the same as it would be if you weren't attracted to that person. And it makes it even more difficult if the friend only likes you as a friend; I've had that experience before too.

  5. That's happened to me before (not with OkCupid... yet!) and there's honestly no rhyme or reason for it. I had a great date with a guy who enthusiastically said he wanted to see me again ("how about next week? let me know when you're free!") and then fell off the face of the earth (he's fine - we have a mutual friend, and I've been told he did not get run over by a train or shot in an alley).

    Who knows what happens in these situations really... another girl's in the picture, maybe an ex, maybe another OkCupid-er. Maybe he decided he booked a flight back to London. Maybe he got the number of one of those guys at the nearby table and they're getting it on somewhere. Maybe you'll hear from him tomorrow. Stay positive - the right guy for you will make sure to keep in touch.

  6. Hi Anna,
    Thank you for the encouragement; it always helps to know that other people have been through similar situations, because it means that I'm not the only one who's felt like that.
    I did actually end up hearing from the British guy; he sent me a text message in response to the one that I sent him. The thing is, though, he texted me two days after I texted him, meaning I'd already given up on hearing from him by then. We made tentative plans to go out again next week. I'm still not sure if he just wants friendship or something more, but hopefully it's the latter.

  7. I feel for you. I think dating is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. It is for the birds... good luck though. Sorry the Brit didn't work out!

  8. Hi Libby,
    Dating is tough. I like to think that dating the right guy won't be as difficult as dating the wrong ones.

  9. I have to admit that I am sometimes not sure about who should make the "first move"; it's definitely not a gender issue because I think it's fine--and good--when women are upfront about who they like. For me, it's more about worrying about appearing needy and desperate. I'm sorry that this guy didn't turn out to be anything, but I think I would have done the same thing as you and not asked for a 3rd date. Have you ever tried eharmony? Although I’ve heard horror stories about online dating, Eharmony is the one I have heard the best things about—in fact, almost every person I know who has tried it actually ended up marrying the person!

  10. It's not shallow to like English accents. It's American.

    I'm sorry it didn't work out. Who should make the first move and how long to wait - all that stuff drove me crazy. It's so hard to read signs and figure out the next move. It's exhausting!

  11. I was so hopeful for you at 1st, even if he does drive an expensive sports car.

    Well, that red flag was the deletion of his account. It's too bad that it didn't work out for you -- this time.

  12. Hi Teddi,
    I did try eharmony last summer; I ended up meeting two guys through the site. They were nice but I didn't really have chemistry with either of them. I like that eharmony chooses the matches for me, and I like that the people on that site are looking for relationships. But I didn't like that several guys on that site e-mailed me and then disappeared with no explanation. It happened at least eight or ten times.
    BTW, sorry about the late response; I just moved to a new apartment and I don't have Internet yet.

    Hi Theresa,
    The first dates are always difficult because I'm never sure what will happen. I'm always afraid of making the wrong move, and it makes it difficult for me to just relax and enjoy the dates. By the way, sorry about the late response; I don't have Internet yet at my new apartment.

    Hi notesfromnadir,
    I was wondering why he would go on a date with me if he wasn't interested in online dating anymore. He said it was too time-consuming, which made me think that he thought dating in general was too time-consuming.