Wednesday, August 4, 2010

You Can't Read This in Public

If I had a million dollars, one of the first things I'd get is a home gym. Well, maybe I'd buy a house first so that I'd have room for a gym.

I like working out because I always feel like I'm doing something productive. Going to the gym is all about being healthy, of course. It has NOTHING to do with the good-looking guys in muscle shirts.

On the other hand, going to a gym has its drawbacks because of all the weird/annoying people. One of the things about being neurotic is that I am easily irritated, but on the other hand it's not always my fault if people make me want to kick them.

There's this one guy who often works out at the same time that I do, and he always makes a point of wiping down a machine with a towel after I use it. It doesn't matter to him if I JUST wiped down the machine with a clean towel; he'll clean it again and then look at me pointedly while he's doing it. Hey, buddy? Look at me again like that and I'll have no choice but to sneeze all over you.

There are TVs in the cardio room, and even though we all wear headphones I can always hear this one guy arguing loudly with the TV. Occasionally he'll even yell at the TV. It's like, if you don't like what's on Fox News, that's your prerogative, but you don't need to broadcast it to the entire room. And also? I'd just like to tell that guy that it's not really necessary to flex after he's done with the elliptical, because it's really hard to find you attractive when I had to listen to you yell for the last half hour.

In the locker room, some women are often really chatty. This wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't such a prude. I'm just trying very hard to focus on just getting dressed and not look at anyone who stands there without any clothes on for several minutes while she talks with her friends. Hey, lady? It's really hard to work out after being BLINDED in the locker room. And I'd be happy to make small talk with you, as long as you wait until after I am fully dressed before you start talking to me, because I'm just trying not to flash you right now, okay?

I also take dance classes every week, which are fun because they're a good way to burn calories and learn some new moves. On the other hand, the classes are always really crowded, and people often dance a little too close and then give me a look when I bump into them.  WHATEVER, ladies. I think it was your fault, so move over or I'll dance all over your feet. The classes are generally made up of women, but there are always a few guys there who show up to check out the girls or to check out the other guys.

There's one guy who recently started coming to one of my dance classes who moves like a contestant on So You Think You Can't Dance. I mean, I know we're all beginners here, but the audition for Riverdance is that way, mmm-kay? This guy apparently loves to show off his dance moves, because he's just a wee bit too enthusiastic when he's dancing. He always adds an extra high kick or pirouette to whatever dance routine we're doing.

When I work out on the elliptical or the exercise bike, I usually like to bring a magazine to read. But the thing about women's magazines is that they often have what I call - ahem - in the bedroom articles. Cosmopolitan is all about those articles. I often feel embarrassed to read it in public, because every time I turn a page, eeps! A half-naked person in a compromising position with another half-naked person! I turn another page, and ahhh! Another article, and this time it's got illustrations along with "tips"! I try to just read the articles on money or fashion, but they apparently only make up a third of the magazine, so I always turn the pages carefully in case someone sees me reading them. There's nothing wrong with these magazines, of course; I just happen to be easily embarrassed.


  1. Oh, this brings back so many gym memories. There was this one guy who always sat on the stairs and read the newspaper! At the GYM! The weird thing was, he was always sweaty as if he'd juts done a big work-out. But I never ever saw him move over the course of my two years at that gym.

  2. Man, I always THINK about going to the gym, but I've never actually done it.

    Mainly because I don't like people to begin with, and I think I'd like them even less if large amounts of Spandex were involved.

    Also, I live in Orange County, and I don't know that I feel like running into wannabe Real Housewives that early in the morning, you know?

  3. I don't get the "perfectly comfortable holding a conversation while standing in the locker room naked" women. I just...don't get it. If I'm supposed to follow what you're saying to me while using every cell in my brain to concentrate on not looking at certain areas of your body, I'm not going to end up being a contributing part of the conversation.

  4. I am amazed by all the nudity in locker rooms. Blow drying your hair? Do it nude! Makeup? Nude! Phone call? Nude!

    Really I am just jealous though. I am a bit of a prude too.

  5. I have written about the gym on several occasions. And its never like "Oh wow the gym is AMAZING." No, its always like, "THIS IS THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH." Or something very close. Gyms, ugh. I'll just stick to eating 2 slices of pizza and 2 beers and doing 9 pullups. Not that I'm talking about my night tonight. No, not at all.

  6. I HATE exercising with other people. I'm so self conscious. You reminded me why I can only stomach a yoga class because it's too hard to do at home.

    After those stories, I don't blame you for wanting a home gym!

  7. Hi Talli,
    Gee, why would anyone just sit there at the gym? He could do that at home and save money.

    Hi Margaret,
    I don't usually feel like going to the gym, but I make myself go anyway. I haven't seen any wannabe Real Housewives, but I have seen some wannabe Real World people.

    Hi Melanie,
    I'm not usually comfortable in the locker room either. I just focus on getting dressed and getting out.

    Hi Rebecca,
    I wonder if anyone would notice I went around blindfolded in the locker room. Or would that be too obvious? :)

    Hi Boomka,
    I wish they had pizza at the gym. But then I guess that would defeat the purpose. I would try jogging, but I think that the street is also part of the bowels of the earth because of all the people on it. :)

    Hi Theresa,
    A home gym would be so nice. Then I could just work out whenever I wanted. I don't usually mind exercising with other people, except when the dance classes get really crowded. I've thought about trying a different form of exercise because the crowds are getting to me.

  8. Thanks for the memories. I used to go to a gym & I hope you get that new house & home gym soon!

    I can't believe how rude that is to wipe down a machine after you've already done so yourself. I think that guy has attention-seeking issues!

    That dance contestant guy in your class made me giggle. I think I'd be inspired by some1 like that! :)

  9. You just listed numbers 157, 43, 69 of why I don't go to the gym. :D

  10. Hi notesfromnadir,
    That guy definitely has some issues. I think he must be in cahoots with the yelling guy. The dance contestant guy doesn't inspire me so much as annoy me, because the way he dances takes up a lot of room and makes it hard not to bump into him.

    Hi Palindrome,
    I have to admit the one reason I do like going to the gym is the cute guys in muscle shirts. :)