Monday, June 3, 2013

The Disappearing Act

Last week I mentioned that a guy I e-mailed on match.com wrote back. He sent me two long e-mails, and it gave me hope that I'd eventually get to meet him in person. But after his second e-mail, I never heard from him again. What's even stranger is that he hasn't logged onto the site since he last e-mailed me.

I can't help wondering what happened. Did he meet someone else, either on match.com or offline? Has he been so caught up with work that he hasn't had time to e-mail me back? (I find that one hard to believe, because even a workaholic like me has time to sit down for five minutes and write an e-mail.) Was he turned off by something I wrote in one of my e-mails? (I can't imagine why, because I simply answered his questions and wrote a little about myself.) Was he taken by his fellow aliens back to his home planet, otherwise know as Jerkopolis? I also can't help feeling tempted to track him down and write the words "I have mommy issues" in indelible ink on his forehead.

Another guy on match.com also responded to my e-mail, but he disappeared after the second e-mail. This has happened to me repeatedly; it happened on eharmony, okcupid, and chemistry.com. Guys will e-mail me a couple of times and then pull disappearing acts; one guy disappeared after sending me twelve e-mails! In fact, I have encountered more than thirty disappearing acts. I wish I could tell all of them to LEAVE ME ALONE. If they're not interested in meeting me, then they shouldn't have e-mailed me at all.

Why do guys do this? It puzzles and infuriates me at the same time. I think it was fellow blogger Talli Roland who told me that some of them are "browsing"; they're not ready to date anyone yet, but they want to see who's out there. Others might have girlfriends or wives (or both), but they're selfish enough to want more. Maybe they get some kind of sick ego boost in misleading lonely women like me. I think it was another blogger (I can't remember who) who told me that they're holding out for someone "better"; they think that a Victoria Secret model will finally give them the time of day. I'd like to tell them that the chances of that happening are about as likely as me joining the NFL. (I don't even know who played at the Superbowl this year, or any year for that matter.)

I'd also like to tell all the guys who post pictures of their dogs (not themselves with their dogs, but just their dogs) in their profile that unless they look exactly like their dogs, they should include more pictures of themselves. I'd also like to say that it's really not necessary for them to post pictures of their cars (not themselves with their cars, just the cars), because as long as their car isn't evil like the one in the Stephen King novel Christine, I don't really care what kind of car they have.

And I'd like to know why so many guys do not include any pictures of themselves in their profiles (this was an issue on every dating site I've been on, except okcupid). I'd like to ask them, "If I showed up for our first date wearing a ski mask, would you still want to date me? No. You'd think I was there to rob you. So then why do you think it's okay to conceal what you look like before we even meet?" (What's interesting is that more than 90% of them describe themselves as "athletic and toned", since you can choose a "body type" like "athletic and toned" or "about average" to describe yourself in your profile. As I've stated before, any guy who has a nice body is going to flaunt it in his profile; I know that for a fact, based on all the shirtless pictures I've seen in the other profiles and all the guys I've seen strutting around in muscle shirts at the gym.)

If I had a dollar for every time I saw the statement, "I like to go out on the town, but I also like to stay in and watch a movie," I'd have enough money for at least five new online dating memberships. I think it'd be more interesting if they said something like, "I never leave my house because the apocalypse will happen any day now," or "I don't spend much time at home because of all the spores" (though I wouldn't necessarily want to date them.)

I've gotten so discouraged that I've hardly e-mailed any guys this past week, though I did get several more "winks" from men in their forties and fifties (I didn't respond to any of them). I'm starting to worry that I won't get to go on any dates this time, which has never happened in my previous online dating experiences. Maybe I should join another online dating site. What do you think?

Why do you think guys pull disappearing acts and don't post pictures of themselves in their profiles? What are some of your pet peeves regarding online dating or dating in general?

26 comments:

  1. If men think women are hard to get...they should just read this!! Lol

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    1. Hi Tammy,
      I know! I've read several articles online where men are given advice on online dating (apparently, women aren't the only ones seeking advice). But most of those articles don't tell guys not to pull disappearing acts; they should tell them that, though.

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  2. LOL! Pictures of their dogs. You really should tell them that. I love it!

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    1. Hi Emily,
      I'm not sure why there are so many guys' profiles that feature pictures of their dogs. But that's not as bad as a profile I saw the other day with a fake picture; I know it was fake because the picture was of Macaulay Culkin. I'm pretty sure he's not a member of match.com.

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  3. Well, the one time I did a dating site, I was only on it for a short time. Do you know the stats on whether or not the guy was a long time user? I was definitely just trying it out. I exchanged a few messages with a few people, but mostly I was just on it to see how it worked. I wasn't opposed to going on a date, but nobody that I exchanged messages with kept my interest enough to take it to that level in the short time I was active. And then I saw an exboyfriend on the site, freaked out and deleted my account. I'd be curious to know how long the average user is active on a dating site.

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    1. Hi mmarinaa,
      That's a good question. On match.com and most other sites you can sign up for one month memberships, three month memberships or six month ones. I always sign up for three months, but I don't always stay active for the full three months, usually two months at least. I know that he had to have been a paying member, because you can only send e-mails if you pay the full fee. Nonpaying "members" can view profiles and send winks but not e-mails. I did see several profiles where guys mentioned that their memberships expired or they weren't willing to pay the fee; they included their regular e-mail address for women to e-mail them. I didn't contact them; I figured if they wanted to participate in a paid dating site, they should pay for a membership just like everyone else. But I don't know what the stats are; they always just say if the person was active within the past 24 hours or past week or so.

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  4. Can't help you. The only men I understand are the ones who live in my head. Real guys... nope.

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    1. Hi Misha,
      Guys like to complain that they can't understand women, but I don't fully understand guys either. I can guess at some of the reasons for their bad behavior, but that doesn't excuse any of it.

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  5. I don't do match sites like match or eharmony, although I did plentyoffish for a bit, met some interesting people both male and female. But I used to go to chat rooms, when Yahoo had chat rooms and meet my husband there. we were able to talk daily, both in the room and privately.Just celebrated 8 yrs.

    Keep trying there is someone out there just waiting for ya, I can feel it.

    Debi

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    1. Hi Debi,
      I'm thinking of signing up for a membership with plentyoffish if match.com doesn't work out; I've never tried that site before. And at least plentyoffish is free, because I can't afford to spend money on another membership right now. I hope someone is out there for me, and I hope he's a good person.

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  6. Sorry, but I've never tried this type of service. I do know people have met people successfully through them though. Sorry you're going through a rough time with it.

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    1. Hi Natalie,
      Online dating would be easier if it weren't for the disappearing acts and the guys who are two decades or more older who keep "winking" at me. I wish I could have my own online dating success story.

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  7. That's so annoying! But there could a zillion reasons why they disappear. Don't focus on wondering... just think "they're not worth my time" (because they're not) and move on to the next. Onward!

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    1. Hi Julie,
      I finally stopped hoping that that guy would e-mail me back, because now I know he never will. And you're right. He's not worth my time. I'd rather meet a guy who would never lead anyone on.

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  8. I got married before internet dating took off in such a big way, so I can't help. It does seem like bizarre behaviour, to bother to write long emails and then vanish. I hope you find a few good ones soon, preferably actually toned and athletic ;-)

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      The disappearing acts are definitely weird. I don't know what their problem (or problems) is; I just wish they would leave me alone instead of get my hopes up.
      Most of the guys I've gone on dates with have been athletic; even though the jocks teased me when I was in school, I found myself dating jocks when I got older. :)

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  9. That is demoralizing. I'd assume anyone who doesn't post a picture doesn't want their wife/girlfriend to find out what they're doing. I don't understand why it's so complicated. What about speed dating?

    That's weird they post their cars.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      I tried speed dating a few years ago, before I tried online dating. I did end up with one "match"; he e-mailed me after the speed dating party and invited me out for a drink. I e-mailed him back, but then I never heard from him again. So even in speed dating there are disappearing acts!
      The guys who don't post pictures of themselves often describe themselves as "honest", which seems kind of ironic, I think. I never respond to or e-mail anyone who doesn't have a picture in his profile.

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  10. I'll be some of the guys not posting pictures are the marrieds---want make sure the wife doesn't catch him when she cruises the site, ha. And the others are just misguided - for most women it's not about a beauty contest, it's about the connection, and sometimes you can tell a lot by a kind pair of eyes.

    As for the disappearing act---no idea. Probably different reasons for different guys. If this latest has disappeared from the site entirely, my guess would be that he's got something going on in his life that's keeping him from pursuing dating right now.

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    1. Hi Nicki,
      I've heard of websites that are specifically for married people who are "looking", but match.com is not one of them. You're right that the others are misguided. I think that they're insecure about how they look, but a lot of people, including me, are insecure about how they look. I'd rather be with a guy who's a genuinely good person and who I really care about (and who really cares about me), even if he's not the best-looking guy. It'd be better than being with a great-looking guy who's a jerk and doesn't care about me; I've dated guys like that and it never ended well.
      Maybe that guy does have something going on in his life. I wish he had at least e-mailed me to let me know what was going on, rather than leave me waiting and hoping all week. What he (and all the other disappearing acts) did was mean and insensitive.

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  11. Should have been "I'll bet" at the beginning.

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  12. There are different quality dating sites and the ones that are easy to connect on attract the predators, married/involved men, Cassanovas, etc. Most guys I've know who use the dating sites, set out and find themselves a few candidates - it's not so much to be cruel or sleazy, they look at it as being productive and saving time. They email several girls at once and start narrowing the selection down. They'll meet up with a few different women on coffee dates - one friend told me she got one well with the fellow, they talked for ages and then he was in a rush for her to leave... his next date had turned up at the coffee shop!
    They really don't think they're doing anything wrong and may actually be hoping to commit with one girl, they just want to make sure they find the right one. Women tend to move through one at a time instead.
    And don't date anyone who won't put their pic up, the most likely reason is they're afraid someone will recognise them and tell their wife.
    Be selective. Have an awesome and honest profile and let them come to you. They will, make them earn a date :)
    Wow, I think my post just turned me into Aunty Edna.

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    1. Hi Charmaine,
      I can't believe that one guy's second date showed up before his first date was even over! The nerve of that guy! On the other hand, that scene could turn into an interesting story...I think it's okay to date more than one person at the same time (though not on the same day); when I was going on first dates, there were a couple occasions where I scheduled dates with different guys in the same week. But if I were in a committed relationship, obviously I would only date that one person. What you said about how they start narrowing the selection down makes sense, though I think they should only e-mail the girls they're truly interested in meeting. A lot of them claim in their profiles that they're looking for a serious relationship, but I think that several of them still want to play the field.
      I definitely would never go on a date with a guy who didn't post any pictures in his profile. Some of them claim that they work in "public" professions that prevent them from revealing their identities online, but that doesn't make any sense (unless they're in the CIA, but that's more of a private profession). A lot of people join dating sites; they don't need to keep it a secret, unless they're involved with other people.

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  13. That's so weird. I think Talli is correct. Sometimes men are just browsing around, but ewww! You wouldn't want to go out with those browsers anyway. OMG I totally sound like my mother. The next piece of advice is 'just be yourself'!!

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    1. Hi Johanna,
      Thanks for the advice! It helps! A lot of those guys claim that they're looking for relationships, but I think that they're just looking. I think that the right guy for me will be someone I can be myself with and who will still love me in spite of (or because of) that.

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