Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,
  I promise that I've been totally good this year, except when I saw my neighbor had left her white laundry in the washing machine for several hours and I held up my red shirt in a threatening manner over the machine and gave her the evil eye when she finally came in to get her laundry.

There's also the time I "accidentally" spilled some of my coffee on the Wi-Fi freeloaders who kept hogging tables for hours at my favorite cafe (apparently, their laptop bags need their own separate tables). But hey! It's not like I spilled the coffee on their heads! That's progress!

What would I like for Christmas? I would like one of those devices that interfere with cell phone signals. That way, I can turn it on whenever my students start paying more attention to their cell phones than to me during class. Then, when they realize that their phones aren't working, they'll look up with bewildered expressions on their faces and say, "Wait. Who am I?"

I would also like for your elves to make a tiny fire extinguisher that I can keep in my purse. That way, I can whip it out and spray it at the cigarettes of the people who blow smoke in my face.

I'd also like the money to hire people who could be a Greek chorus, like the ones in those Greek tragedies that stand off to the side and speak ominously about the characters. I'd get my own Greek chorus to follow my neighbors around, and then I'd get the chorus to make ominous speeches about obnoxious jerks who incur the wrath of the gods by keeping their neighbors up all night with their loud music, drunken parties, and carnal get-togethers (ahem).

I'd also like a new outfit that would make me look good, no matter how many gingerbread men I eat. Hey! You get to eat cookies! Why can't I? And by a new outfit, I don't mean my own Santa suit, because the only one who looks good in that is you. (And I mean that in the best way.)

I'd like for all students, including mine, to show up to class on time every day, complete their work on time, demonstrate their intelligence (and they ARE smart) in their papers by providing their own insight rather than just regurgitate the notes I gave during lectures, and never ever ever complain about their grades or blame me if they don't get A's. Because if you can make THAT happen, I promise I will not only sing "Oh Happy Day" in the streets for everyone to hear, I will stop being such a workaholic. (Well, I'll try, anyway. Okay, maybe I'll let myself take one day off a week. Or at least an afternoon.)

But most of all, Santa, I want the people in Newton, Connecticut to once again feel the happiness and peace that they were robbed of. I know that it will take a long time for them to feel that way, but I hope that eventually, they will feel it. If you can make THAT happen, you don't have to worry about getting me anything else on my list.

What about you? What's on your Christmas list?

16 comments:

  1. Wonderful letter, NW. I love that you mentioned Newton. I think that's an admirable thing to wish for this Christmas. They could definitely use some hope right about now.

    Merry Christmas!

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    1. Hi Emily,
      I wish that there was something I could do to help those people. What happened to them and the people at that school is horrifying. I wish that I could alleviate their grief in some way, even though I know that I can't.

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  2. "apparently, their laptop bags need their own separate tables" LOL. And I love the Greek chorus idea. Awesome. I'm going to be thinking of Greek chorus for a while now and what mine would be saying ha!

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    1. Hi Karen,
      Once I saw a WiFi freeloader who apparently believed that his water bottle needed its own table too. I wanted to "accidentally" spill my coffee on him as well.
      I wish I could get a Greek chorus to follow my neighbors around, particularly in the middle of the night so that they'll keep the neighbors from sleeping. That way, they'll know how I feel.

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  3. Oh, I don't know if Santa will forgive all of that. And I don't know if he's an enabler, so you may not receive the fire extinguisher you've been coveting.

    Happy holidays!

    I have the same wish as you about Newton.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      Happy holidays to you too! I guess I was just feeling grouchy because I gave some food to a homeless person, who responded by blowing smoke in my face. Not to mention I keep ending up behind smokers when I'm walking around outside.

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  4. I'm pretty sure cell phone jammers are illegal in America. I really want one of those speech jammers that make people inaudible when they blather on though!

    Honestly I haven't made a Christmas list in ages. It's too depressing knowing I'm going to get nothing on it, haha. Oh well!

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    1. Hi mmarinaa,
      A speech jammer would be good, especially when I'm on the train and I have to listen to someone's (or more than one person's) entire cell phone conversation for the entire commute.
      I hope you still get what you want for the holidays. :)

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  5. That's quite the list. I hear you on people who blow smoke in your face - so rude.

    And on a serious note, I echo your wish for the people of Newton, too.

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    1. Hi Talli,
      I thought about bringing a supply of water balloons with me, so that I could throw them at the people who blow smoke in my face. Maybe it would also encourage them to give up smoking.

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  6. I hope your last wish comes true, but I'm afraid there are things even time can't fix.

    And if I find a tiny fire extinguisher, I'll buy it and send it your way so you can take revenge on the smoke-blowers for the rest of us :-)

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    1. Hi Irene,
      Thanks for the offer about the fire extinguisher. :) I also can't help wondering if there's a discreet way to spray air freshener in the direction of smokers without them noticing, because the smell of smoke isn't very pleasant.

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  7. Every girl needs a Greek chorus. :)

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  8. Hi Libby,
    I think several of the girls in my building need their own Greek chorus, especially because then they'll be less likely to leave their laundry in the machines for hours or get into fights with their boyfriends in the parking lot (which everyone can hear).

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  9. I'd settle for the gingerbread dress :)

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  10. Hi Charmaine,
    A gingerbread dress would be good. Then I could use M&Ms for the buttons. :)

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