Stuff My Neighbors Say

Neighbor #1: Don't worry, nobody's even listening to us right now.
Me: Nobody wants to listen to you right now, but that doesn't mean we can't HEAR you. And by the way? It's really not necessary to congratulate yourself every time.

Neighbor #2: And I will always love youuuu..... (This neighbor likes to sing at the top of her lungs, because she thinks she's as good as Whitney Houston was.)
Me: You know what you should take? Voice lessons. Then the teacher will tell you that you should learn how to be a mime instead.

Neighbor #3: Can you believe it's already 2:37 in the morning? I can't believe we're still awake right now!
Me: I can't believe I'm still awake either. Do you know what happens when I am sleep-deprived? Why don't you come over and I'll show you. 

Neighbor #4: Yeah! We're number one! We won the game! WOOOO!!
Me: You're number one on my list of people who I'm going to photograph and whose pictures I will post online under the heading, "When Bad Neighbors Happen to Good People."

Neighbor #5: Just leave it. Someone else will take care of it.
Me: The next time I break a jar of spaghetti sauce, I'm not going to leave the mess all over the hallway like you did. I'm going to take the sauce and smear it all over your door with a note that says, "You don't have a maid. Clean up after yourself."

Neighbor #6: I just LOVE this song! Turn it up!
Me: I like that song too. At least, I liked it the first three times you played it. Twenty-five times later, I don't really like it anymore. Thank you for that. 

Neighbor #7: I can't believe you made out with him! I wanted to make out with him!
Me: How about this? The next time you two go to a bar and encounter an anonymous guy who's remotely attractive, you get to call dibs!

The walls in my building are extremely thin. Any time one of my neighbors sneezes, answers the phone, or fights with their boyfriend or girlfriend, I can hear it. My apartment window looks out over the parking lot; it also faces several other apartments, which is why I have to keep my blinds closed all the time. But even if I can't see my neighbors, I can still hear them.

It's one thing when they have their loud parties or music marathons on the weekends. I try not to start throwing things when the guy living in the apartment above me invites all his friends over and they start cheering every time one of the players in the games that they're watching does something spectacular, like move. But when it's a weeknight and I have to wake up at 5:30 A.M. to get ready to teach my morning classes?  That's something else altogether. I don't blast my Nothing But Taylor Swift playlist at 5:30 in the morning, because I know that everyone's sleeping. So I'd appreciate it if people would show me the same consideration at 1:30 A.M. I'd also appreciate it if I didn't have to listen to their nonstop noise EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

I'd expect this kind of behavior if my neighbors were college students. But most of them are in their twenties and thirties. At some point, I would have thought they'd have grown up. But apparently, they haven't. Maybe I'm jealous because they have a lot more free time than I do, and they obviously don't have to work as much (or at all) as I do.

Maybe it's true that you can take the girl out of the small town, but you can't take the small town out of the girl. I was accustomed to peace and quiet when I was growing up, so it was a shock to come here to Chicago, where it's rarely peaceful or quiet. 

Maybe I'm suspicious because a lot of them never seem to sleep at night, which makes me wonder if they're all just a bunch of drunk vampires who like to party all the time.

Maybe I'm just tired because my neighbors are why I haven't been sleeping well lately, and I think they're also why my hair is turning white again.

Or maybe I'm just completely fed up by their selfish, inconsiderate behavior. I've had to live with jerks like them for years, and I hate it.

I am truly grateful for the fact that I have a roof over my head, and I am grateful that I earn money to pay my own rent. But I dream of the day that I'll be able to buy my own house someday, not an apartment or a condo, but a house where I don't have to share space with anyone I don't like. Until then, I'm seriously thinking of turning up my pop music playlists at 5:30 in the morning.


What about you? Do you have rude neighbors? How do you deal with people like them?