Thursday, April 7, 2011

Cupid Has It in for Me

I haven't been having much luck with online dating lately. For example, recently I was contacted by a guy on Here is an excerpt from his profile:  I am a virgin and am 18 I wont lie, ladies it is up to you if you want to break that or I am very wiling to wait until I am married so that she knows that I waited for her fully.

I am also becoming more and more irritated every time I see a profile without any pictures; I've stated before that at least a third (if not more) of the matches that have been sent to me don't have any pictures in their profiles. It's not necessarily's fault, because they can't exactly force members to post pictures; I just don't understand why any guy thinks he's going to get a lot of girls (or any girl) to respond to him if he doesn't post any pictures.

I don't get to see any of the women's profiles on, only the ones of the matches who are sent to me by the site. So I don't know if this is an issue with women's profiles. I do know that on eharmony this was an issue too, though.

I think that a guy who doesn't post any pictures is probably refraining from doing so for one of the following reasons: 1) He is self-conscious about how he looks; 2) He doesn't want anyone to find out that he's on an online dating site, which is totally lame because online dating is socially acceptable now; a lot of people do it, so GET OVER YOURSELVES, GUYS; 3) He thinks that he can simply win women over with lines like "Even if you're not at the ideal weight, I can work with you on an exercise plan until you lose enough weight to look good" and "I'm not interested in girls who play games, unless you're buying dinner"; 4) He's an alien from a different planet and the flash from the camera would make him spontaneously combust.

Disappearing acts are something else I've had to deal with. One of the reasons I didn't renew my membership with eharmony was because at least ten or twelve guys disappeared with no explanation after the first or second e-mail. On this has happened at least six times. One guy e-mailed me, and then the next week he blocked off communication with me (similar to eharmony, you can actually see on which guys have decided to reject you).

Last Sunday, three guys e-mailed me, and then I never heard from them again. I know that one of them didn't actually sign up for a membership; he just signed up for the free communication weekend, so the other two might have signed up for free communication too and didn't bother to pay for a regular membership.

There were at least six disappearing acts when I was on okcupid, so in total this has happened to me almost TWENTY-FOUR TIMES! I've reread a few of the e-mails I've sent to these guys, and I don't think I wrote anything that would have scared them off. It's not like I wrote anything like, "I've attached pictures of my top three choices for wedding dresses to this e-mail. Let me know which ones you like best."

One of the worst cases was a guy on okcupid who sent me ten or twelve e-mails, but never agreed to set up a date where we could meet in person. He said stuff like, "I'm sure we'll meet eventually; in the meantime we can just chat online." He didn't seem to get that the whole point of online dating is to find someone you can actually date in real life; most people don't join the sites just to get online pen pals.

Then, after a month of communication, the guy disappeared; I tried sending him one or two e-mails, but he ignored them. I think that he must have stopped communicating because he thought one of the following things: 1) Oh no, I should stop e-mailing her because I forgot to tell her that I'm married, not to mention my wife might find out; 2) Why should I meet her in person when I can stay at home with my action figures for company? 3) It's much easier to deceive women if I never meet them in person; 4) Why should I e-mail a girl who's interested in dating me when I just know that Heidi Klum is going to answer one of my letters any day now? 5) Maybe I should go see the Wizard of Oz and get some courage. Or at the very least he could give me a brain.

I also think that several of the matches that I've been sent on are no longer active on the site. On, it'll indicate whether the person was active in the last 24 hours, but it won't give any information beyond that. So you don't know if the person was active last week or three months ago.

So I haven't been dating. I'm starting to think that I either just have bad luck or Cupid is exacting revenge on me, maybe because I laughed about the fact that he never wears any clothes (except for the diaper).


  1. I don't think you should take it so hard that people stop communicating with you. I'm sure you've stopped communicating with a fair share of men too. Sometimes something little just throws someone off. Sometimes people are just testing the waters with online communication, but aren't truly ready to date someone they met online yet. Don't feel bad about, it's just the way the game works, you know?

    And I totally think they could force people to have pictures! It wouldn't be hard to say you *must* upload a picture to have an active profile. I don't do dating sites, so maybe they do this, actually, and people just put up pictures of like... their car or something? I think it's a totally valid requirement for a dating site. Looks are a huuuge part of the equation!

  2. Bummer! But I'm going to be one of those annoying optimistic types that tells you about the colleague who found her husband through online dating (The Onion, but I'm not sure that they still do online dating anymore). Good luck and keep your chin up!

  3. Hi mmarinaa,
    I actually only stopped communicating with one guy before we could set up a date; it was because in his second e-mail he kept talking about how he was looking for true love and how he was ready to settle down and get married. That was too intense for me when it was only his second e-mail and we hadn't even met yet. I guess the whole disappearing act thing just gets frustrating because it's happened so many times; I wish the guys would just leave me alone and not e-mail me at all rather than disappear like that.
    I wish they could make guys post pictures; I bet several guys wouldn't sign up for memberships as a result. There are guys who have posted pictures of just their cars, as well as pictures of random buildings.

    Hi Anna,
    I didn't know the Onion had online dating; that sounds interesting. It's good that there are success stories with online dating. I'm just not sure if it'll work out for me in the end, but I'm willing to keep trying for now.

  4. I posted on my blog a while back about how frustrated I was when a guy suddenly stopped communicating. It does suck, but it’s just another side effect of online dating. Especially when you haven’t met the person yet, you both are still making up your minds. And mmarinaa is right, it can be the smallest things that throw someone off.

    That said, I don’t want to message TOO long before I meet the guy. Your “I just want to keep chatting online” dude sounds shady. Because you’re right, the point of online dating is to eventually meet in person!

    No pictures? A dealbreaker for me. Period.

    I like it when people are upfront in their profiles about what kind of relationship they want. I’ve stressed I want something casual. I didn’t message a very cute guy because he said he was looking for a serious girlfriend. I’d much rather find that out in someone’s profile before I waste time messaging them.

    And if The Onion still does online dating, I should look into it too! I knew they had personals in the past but I’m not sure if that’s still going on. Thanks Anna!

  5. Hi No Way Cupid,
    I usually don't exchange messages for too long with guys either; usually we meet within the first couple of weeks after the first e-mail. I figure it's better to meet sooner (but not too soon) rather than later, because having an actual conversation with a guy tells me a lot more about him than exchanging e-mails does.
    I'm willing to bet that no pictures are deal breakers for a lot of people too, which makes me wonder if the guys either give up on the site or cave in and post pictures.

  6. My cousin used to on-line date, and the e-mail chatting and disappearing drove her crazy too. It's safe to be home and get to know somebody, but then not let it go any farther.

    Really, they should make categories on how interested you are in having a relationship. People who want to chat, can chat. And then you could weed out the jerks and find someone decent.

  7. Hi Theresa,
    On okcupid they did let people indicate whether they were just looking for something casual or whether they were looking for something more serious; on sites like the usual assumption is that everyone's looking for something serious. But that isn't always the case with all the members. You're right in that many guys are comfortable just staying home and e-mailing people, but they aren't willing or ready to let it go any further than that. But I think that if they aren't ready to meet people in real life, they shouldn't sign up for online dating until they are ready.

  8. Oh God - those disappearing acts used to drive me mental. But don't second guess yourself - like you say, it's THEIR problem!

  9. Hi Talli,
    The disappearing acts are what bother me most about online dating, especially because yet another guy just pulled a disappearing act on me. He sent me a couple e-mails and then, POOF! He was gone. That's now the seventh guy in a row (on the site) to do this.

  10. Here's the best advice I can give you when some jerk decides to ignore you. He's either married or involved w/ some1 else. He's got that 'grass is always greener' urge. It has nothing to do w/ you.

  11. Hi notesfromnadir,
    I think your advice is very good, especially the part about how the grass is always greener. I think that a lot of these guys change their minds because they think that they should hold out for someone more unattainable, maybe because they think that a girl who is unattainable is more attractive. But that doesn't make the guys any more attractive, though, and I suppose it's better that I find that out before going to the trouble of meeting them in person.