The Ending You Want

The school term has come an end, which means that I'll get some time off for Christmas. I'm going to visit my parents, who live in another state, for a few days. The rest of the time I'll be in Chicago. I'll be using my Christmas break mainly to work on my dissertation, clean out my apartment, and write fiction. Oh, and I'll probably "relax" at least 5% of the time and do something fun. (What? I'm a neurotic workaholic, not a laid-back slacker! And even when I "relax" and do something that isn't work, I'm still thinking about all the work that I have to do.)

Now that I have some free time, I've come back to my manuscripts, one of which includes a love triangle. I've come up with more than one ending for it. In one ending, the main character ends up with the "right" guy. But something about that ending feels wrong to me. I feel like it's the ending that I want, not the ending that the main character wants.

For me, my characters do become "real", in some sense. Not real in the sense that I ate breakfast with the main character and am going to go out later and give wedgies to annoying people with her best friend. But "real" in the sense that sometimes when I'm writing, the characters say or do something that surprise me, because I hadn't even been thinking about it before. That's why I'm not very good at plotting, because I don't always know what's going to happen ahead of time. And I think that's part of what makes writing fun. (Of course, if plotting works for you, keep doing it.)

At first, the main character resembled me in many respects, but as I kept writing, she started developing a personality of her own. (But she still possesses several of my traits, such as the fact that she yells at her neighbors to MOVE OUT when they have one of their "Let's party like we don't have neighbors" parties.) That's why when I tried to write this one ending for her, it felt like she kept shaking her head and saying, "NO! That's what you would do, not what I would do."

If I change the ending, it changes the entire tone of the story. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is hard for me to just let go and let the characters tell their story. In addition to being a neurotic workaholic, I'm also a control freak.

One reason I've been thinking about this a lot lately is that I didn't get the ending I wanted with my crush. No, I didn't ask him out, but he did snub me recently. I won't get into specifics on how he snubbed me, because I'm still nervous that he'll find this blog somehow (incidentally, outside of the blogosphere, most people don't know that I'm Neurotic Workaholic or even that I want to be a writer, because I keep my writing life a secret).

He didn't snub me in a cruel way, not in the way that would make Taylor Swift write an angry song about him. But it was more of a thoughtless snub, and it cut deep all the same. The ending I wanted was one where I could finally give up online dating FOREVER and be with a guy who I thought was worth the wait. But it just didn't turn out that way.

Don't worry. I'm okay, or at least I will be...eventually. I'm going to go listen to one of my Taylor Swift playlists on my iPod. Yes, I have more than one.

Does that ever happen to you? That is, do you find yourself struggling with the ending or other scenes, where you want your characters to act one way but they keep resisting and make the scenes fall flat or come up with their own scenes? How do you deal with it?

All I Want for Christmas

1. Is to be able to teach at a good school for as long as I can. Teaching is the one job that I've learned the most from, and I still feel happiest when I'm in a classroom, interacting with my students.

2. Is for all my students to throw their cell phones in the air and say, "Who needs texting, anyway?" (That will never happen, but a girl can dream.)

3. Is to continue to improve and strengthen my skills as a teacher. Even though I've grown a lot since I first stepped over to the other side of the desk, there is still a lot that I need to learn.

4. Is to travel more, starting with my trip to New York sometime in 2014. I've always wanted to go there, but I never did due to lack of time and money. But now I finally have money saved up, and I'm going to go and be like all those awe-struck tourists that both annoy and amuse me here in Chicago.

5. Is to make more time for writing, reading,  dance classes, and even socializing. And I want to make more time for other fun things in Chicago, like bike riding by the lake when it's warm out or getting cheap tickets to a really interesting play at one of the tiny theaters.

6. Is to have the strength to stand up to the people who make me feel bad about myself. I mentioned in my last post that it was difficult for me to even believe that my crush could ever like me. I focused so much on what certain people thought was wrong with me and didn't spend enough time thinking about the fact that there ARE good things about me, even if they can't see it.

7. Is to let myself feel something real for someone. For a long time I kept my heart closed off to everyone, because I was so afraid of being rejected and getting hurt. But it didn't really make me feel better. It just made me feel numb. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I still might get rejected, and I still might get hurt. But I don't want to keep myself closed off anymore.

I'd like to say that I've found the courage to ask out my crush on a date. I'd also like to say that I didn't eat Froot Loops for dinner because I accidentally set fire to the chicken I tried to make first. But then I'd just be lying.

What about you? What do you want for Christmas, or what kinds of changes do you want to make?

Unrequited Crushes

For the past few weeks, I've had an unrequited crush on someone. I don't want to give away too many revealing details about who he is, because then he might find my blog and recognize himself and OH DEAR GOD, THAT JUST CANNOT HAPPEN BECAUSE IF HE FINDS MY BLOG HE'LL THINK I'M EVEN WEIRDER THAN HE (AND EVERYONE ELSE) ALREADY DOES.

I will say that he's funny, smart, nice, cute, and easy to talk to. He's also only gotten on my nerves on three separate occasions, which is at least fifty-seven times less than the average person. He's someone I've known for a while. I never really thought about him like THAT before. But we were talking one day and for some reason I suddenly saw him in a new light, and I recognized all those good qualities that he had. I found myself thinking about him...a LOT, even more than I think about coffee, books, and the reasons why the average person bugs me. If that's not a crush, then what is?

He's the first person I've had a crush on in a long time. It's also the first time in years that I've had a crush on someone who I didn't meet on an online dating site first. The last time I had a crush on a guy that I didn't meet online was about five years ago, when I started socializing with other people my age at my church. We used to go out to dinner together, and there was a guy who was good-looking, friendly, and genuinely kind to everyone. AND he went to Mass every Sunday! What was not to like?

Unfortunately, that guy didn't like me back. He liked another girl who went out to dinner with us, someone who was at least fifteen pounds thinner than me and actually knew how to put on makeup and walk in heels without falling over. I never told him how I felt. I doubted that it would even matter to him.

I haven't told this new guy how I feel either because a) he's planning to move away soon; b) if he liked me, I think he probably would have asked me out by now, because he's not the shy type; c) based on certain things he's told me, there's someone else that he's thinking of right now. It feels like what happened with that other crush all over again.

At first I thought I only liked this new guy because of all the online dating profiles where guys specified that they were looking for women who "look like Natalie Portman, but I'll settle for someone who looks like Scarlett Johansson" and the guys who indicated that they didn't want to date women who weighed more than the guys' weight limit (I am not making this up). I thought I only liked him because of all the dates I'd gone on with the wrong guys. I thought maybe I liked him because I was lonely. But the more that I thought about him, the more I realized that I liked him because of HIM.

I'm embarrassed to admit that once I realized I had a crush on him, I immediately thought of all the reasons he would never like me. I'm not thin enough. I'm too neurotic, too much of a workaholic, and I want to start carrying around a whoopee cushion that I can use against people who bug me. One reason I view myself in this way is that when I was growing up, there were people who constantly made me feel like I wasn't good enough. There are still people who make me feel that, and sometimes it's hard not believe them. I know that they're wrong, but...

It's just a crush. It'll go away eventually. And maybe the next time I have a crush on someone, he'll actually like me back. And he'll NEVER make me feel like I'm not good enough. He'll also come with me to buy whoopee cushions.

What about you? Have you ever had an unrequited crush on anyone? How did you deal with it?

This video doesn't have anything to do with unrequited crushes, but it does make me feel better about not being in a relationship. It also makes me like Kerry Washington and Jay Pharoah even more.

Thankful

1. I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head and that I can pay the rent on my own apartment. I'm also thankful that even though I have to share a building with my neighbors, I don't have to share my studio with them. This is important because at least one of them threw up in the laundry room and left the vomit there.

2. I'm thankful that I don't have to cook Thanksgiving dinner for anyone, because then they would have to see me accidentally set my clothes on fire (which is what happened the last time I tried to cook something). Then they would have to eat burnt pizza, because somehow I still manage to burn frozen pizza almost every time.

3. I'm thankful for writing and the blank pages of my journal, which I can fill with short stories, ideas for novels, and statements like, "I had another dream where I was working the whole time. I think I really am incapable of relaxing, even in my sleep."

4. I'm thankful that even after teaching hundreds of students over the course of several years, teaching is something that I still love to do. It is one of the few things that I can do with confidence. I admit that I've tripped and fallen flat on my face in front of my students on more than one occasion, but I popped back up and kept teaching with confidence (and a sore face).

5. I'm thankful that Twitter has given me a new outlet; it's fun to Tweet whenever I want. And I like reading other people's humorous and interesting Tweets. It makes the commute more bearable, which is good because then I'm much less likely to start throwing things at the people who blast their music on their headphones.

6. I'm thankful that I live in Chicago, a city that I've loved ever since I moved here. I also love that it's basically a requirement to eat deep-dish pizza here, because what kind of Chicagoan would you be if you didn't like the pizza? (And I'm still mad at Jon Stewart for insulting my city's pizza. I'd throw a pizza at his face, but then I wouldn't get to eat the pizza.)

7. I'm thankful for good books and the authors who write them. I wish I could meet more of these authors and do that Wayne and Garth thing where I throw myself at their feet and yell, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!"

What about you? What are you grateful for?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Give up or Keep Writing

I haven't been able to write fiction that much lately, partly because I've been immersed in my other book: my dissertation, which might as well be titled The Book That Will Help Cure Insomnia or I Can Over-Analyze That Book in Five Footnotes.

I did write drafts for two novels. I say "drafts" because neither of them have been fully revised yet. I know how I'm going to revise the first one, but I've been struggling with the second one on the few occasions I have had time to work on it. I've started to wonder if I should just scrap that entire manuscript and focus on the first one, and then start another story later.

It's hard for me to just walk away from that second manuscript, though. I really like the characters, and there are several pages that I'm proud of. A part of me thinks that if I give up on the story now, I'll go into withdrawal, like the time I tried to give up coffee but only made it a few days before I ran with open arms to the nearest Starbucks and practically shrieked, "I don't care what kind of coffee you give me. Just give me the BIGGEST ONE with the MOST CAFFEINE!" (I wish I could say I am making that up. Giving up caffeine would be like saying that I'm going to retire early, and just the thought of not working AT ALL made me throw up in my mouth a little. What would I DO if I retired? RELAX? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Even though I do like several parts of this story, there are other parts that don't feel right or ring true. I could just take out the parts that don't work, or maybe I really could throw out the manuscript altogether. I also considered keeping at least some of the characters and putting them in a new story that I've been thinking about for a while now.

Maybe one reason I'm struggling with what to do is because even though I've left some stories unfinished in the past, it's hard to give up on this one. I've been working on it for a long time. I don't like the idea of quitting, partly because I'm a workaholic. On the other hand, I have quit jobs before, like my job at the Tourist Trap. But that was partly because if I worked there a day longer I just might have ended up hurling souvenirs at people. It's easy to quit a job that you hate. It's not so easy to give up on something that's important to you.

But I know that even if I do give up on this manuscript, that doesn't mean I'm giving up on writing altogether. If I tried to do that, I really WOULD go into withdrawal, and then the baristas at Starbucks would freak out and run away screaming at the sight of me.

What about you? Have you ever stopped working on a manuscript? What makes you decide whether to keep working on it or move on to another story?

What I'd Like to Say to Chicago Commuters

1. If you're going to throw up, please aim in the OTHER direction.

2. No, your purse does NOT need its own seat. So move it before I sit on YOU. 

3. The "No Smoking" signs on the train and the subway platforms really do mean that you shouldn't smoke. It does NOT mean you should stand right beside the sign and light up.

4. I get that you love your death metal music. I prefer Miley, Britney, and Ke$ha, but I know that not everyone likes them. That's why I don't BLAST my music at a volume so loud that it would make Chicago commuters want to tackle me. So could you please turn it down?

5. Just because I happen to glance in your direction for a millisecond, that does not mean I am inviting you to come over and hit on me/convert me to your cult/expose yourself to me.

6. During rush hour, the trains are often late and end up becoming even more crowded with commuters. I know that you don't want to have to wait for the next train, because who knows when (or if) it'll show up? But if you see a train that's so crowded that people are literally spilling out of it, the logical thing to do is to just wait for the next train, rather than squeeze yourself onto it and then scream at people to move back.

7. If you want to see a bunch of Chicago commuters EXPLODE at the same time, scream at them for not making room for you when the train is so crowded that it's impossible for them to move, let alone make room for you.

8. It's okay if you want to talk on your cell phone, as long as you're quiet about it. But do realize we can hear everything you say, including all the details of your latest breakup/what's going on in your family/why you hate your job (and your boss just might be on the train at the same time).

9. A lot of people cut in front of each other in order to get on the train first. That's something that will never change. But I do wish that people would stop shoving each other in order to get on the train first, because otherwise a certain neurotic workaholic just might end up pulling people's hair in response.

10. It's important and necessary to floss. It's NOT necessary to floss when you're sitting right next to me on the train.

I have to take buses and trains to get to school, the Loop, Grant Park, the lake, and my favorite neighborhoods, like Chinatown, Boystown, Wicker Park, and Greektown. I also have to do a lot of walking just to get to the grocery store, my favorite coffee shop, the bookstore, and basically any place that sells candy (because I really am that addicted to sugar), just like the other locals. I spend hours commuting every week, and it can be very tiring and stressful. I usually read a book or listen to music to pass the time, but sometimes even Taylor Swift and Katy Perry aren't enough to make the commute more bearable. It's one of the things you just have to deal with when you're a city dweller, I guess.

But on the other hand, being a Chicago commuter makes me feel like a true local who can travel confidently (usually) from one end of the city to the other. I look around at the other commuters and I feel like I'm part of a community, even if the community members occasionally yell and shove each other just to get a seat. Although the tiny Midwestern town where I grew up will always be home, at the same time I never truly felt like I belonged there. I always felt out of place, which is one of the reasons I became a loner and started reading and writing so much; books (including my own stories) gave me the chance to escape.

But Chicago really does feel like home, and I feel like I really do belong here. I've always figured that my time here had an expiration date, because once I do finish graduate school, I'll have to go wherever the jobs are. That means I might end up living in a small town again, and that's okay. But Chicago will always be home to me.

What about you? What is it about your hometown that makes you feel like you belong, or is there another place that you feel more at home in?