I Respect My Dry Cleaner

I've been going to the same dry cleaner ever since I moved into my neighborhood. Even though her rates are a little more expensive than the other dry cleaners' in the area, she always gets my clothes cleaned properly and doesn't leave them scattered around in stacks or piles. And even though I secretly believe that the amount of money I've spent on dry cleaning bills would probably be enough to buy new cars for my dry cleaner and every member of her extended family, nevertheless I keep going back to her because I respect her work ethic.

Even though she opens her business every day at seven A.M., I've seen her still working hours after her business has already closed. I'll see her carefully ironing someone's pants, or I'll see her head bent over her sewing machine as she mends someone's dress. I feel sorry for her that she has to work so hard. But I also respect the fact that she takes pride in her work, and is willing to put in as much time as possible. I think that that's why her business has succeeded in an economy where several businesses, including other dry cleaners, have shut down.

Contrast her with this guy I used to see at the library all the time when I was an undergrad. He would bring stacks of books with him, but I rarely saw him open any of them. Instead, he and his friends would talk about everything BUT school, and talked loudly as if they were making sure that everyone could hear about how awesome their lives were. Right. Bragging about how many coeds you tried (and failed) to grind dance with and about how you passed out after downing too many tequila shots and throwing up in the street makes you a REAL rock star. (Then again, maybe it does.)

I'd also see him looking around the room several times, because he was always looking for girls to flirt with. He never flirted with me, probably because he saw me shooting my "Be quiet or I will GET you" glare at him. What amazed me was that I once saw him holding an MCAT book. I always wondered if his lack of a work ethic prevented him from getting into med school. Or maybe he did somehow become a doctor, and then spent most nights talking with his fellow doctors about how he passed out after trying (and failing) to grind dance with female colleagues, drinking too many shots and throwing up in the street. Or maybe he would chat up his female patients and say something like this:

Lazy doctor: So, are you doing anything tonight?
Female patient: You mean before or AFTER the heart transplant you're supposed to perform on me?

That guy also makes me think of this other guy who was a member of this gym that I used to belong to. I saw him at the gym quite often, but I never saw him exercise. He would sit on one of the stationary bikes and then watch one of the TVs up on the wall, but he wouldn't actually pedal the bike. He'd just sit there, for up to an hour or more. I always wondered why he bothered to pay for a gym membership when he could just sit at home and watch TV. (And I also wondered how he always managed to smell like he'd been exercising for 13 hours straight when I never actually saw him exercise.) By not doing anything, he wasn't actually accomplishing anything, like building endurance, gaining strength and muscles, or losing weight. He was just wasting time.

These people made me think about the difference between the people who actually get work done and achieve things, and the ones who don't even try. It relates to writing because not only do you have to show up to write, you also have to actually write something. You can say that you want to write a book, but that's not the same thing as actually writing it.

It sounds obvious, but I must confess that sometimes I'll sit down at my computer to work on my novel and I'll end up watching Youtube videos of The Office bloopers or home movies of people's puppies instead. It's very easy to procrastinate, because it's so much easier not to write. But if I just sit at my desk every day without writing, then I'll never be a writer. And then I might as well not sit down at my desk at all.

If I'm not going to put in the effort to write, I could do other things, like start a letter-writing campaign to Bravo to stop making more Real Housewives spinoffs .(Seriously, are they going to have one with housewives from EVERY city in the U.S.? By showing all those episodes of rich "ladies" fighting with each other and spreading nasty gossip, are the show's producers trying to make the audience meaner? Or is acting like Satan's mistress the "in" thing to do now?)

Or I could train for a marathon so that I'd finally be able to run fast enough that I could laugh over my shoulder at all the people running behind me. I'd say, "Ha ha! Eat my dust, LOSERS! Why don't you run more SLOWLY, because you'll never beat me! Hahahaha!" And then, of course, at that moment I'd trip over a fire hydrant or something and fall flat on my face, and all the other runners would simply laugh and trample over me and sing songs about karma.

I read somewhere that writing isn't always productive, because you can write for hours and still not come up with a draft that you're satisfied with. But that great draft isn't necessarily going to be completed in one sitting. It could take several days, weeks, or months of writing before it gets done. The point is that you have to be willing to put in the time AND the effort to do it.

I'm not saying we should put in fifteen-hour days. But I think that if my dry cleaner did become a writer, she'd have a much better chance of succeeding than that Casanova wannabe (who had all the charm of a contestant on a reality dating show) from the library or the guy who'd rather watch TV than exercise (despite the fact that he could do both at the same time). It isn't just about talent. What's that phrase by Thomas Edison? "Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration." (Or is it 2% and 98%?) And I think he's right.

How do you motivate yourself to keep writing, even when it becomes challenging to produce something good? How do you keep yourself at your desk when you'd rather be doing something else (or nothing)?

Filling in the Blanks

Every semester, the question I am most likely to hear at least 237 times is "Can you just tell me what to write so that I can get an A?"

I'm always tempted to respond, "Do you want me to cut up your meat for you too?" or "Did you not hear me say no the first five times you asked me that? Be gone!"

Questions like that irritate me as much as statements like "You made a mistake with my grade. I know I stopped showing up to class for a month, but I deserve AT LEAST a B" and "Why should we care about this? When will we EVER use this?" and "I need to leave forty minutes early, but I won't be counted as absent, right?" (I am not making these statements up.)

Meanwhile, I'm thinking that maybe I should leave the classroom right now, because otherwise my evil alter ego will take over and I'll turn into Professor Screams-A-Lot.

On the one hand, I can understand why students are so focused on getting A's. Undergrads are under an incredible amount of pressure. If they don't maintain good GPAs, they could lose scholarships or financial aid. They need those A's to get internships and to get into grad school.

I could tell them exactly what to write. I could also pull a rabbit out of my textbook so that they'll stop falling asleep in my classes.

When students pressure me to "fix" their drafts, they're missing the point of writing. It's one thing for me to guide them through the process and show them how to write thesis statements, do research, and present both sides of the argument. But if they expect me to line-edit their papers and fix all their mistakes, then all that's left for them to do is fill in the blanks. It's like Mad Libs. The story is already written; all people have to do is put in a few words or phrases.

No writer would say to an agent or an editor, "Can you just tell me exactly what to write so that I can get published?" The agent and the editor would just throw the book at them. Literally.

It's fine and often necessary to get feedback from other people. They can help you see your writing from different perspectives. They can provide encouragement and constructive criticism. But they can't write the story for you, because ultimately, it's your story.

It's not just about getting an A or getting published. Writing is about freeing all those ideas and secrets you've kept locked up in your head and your heart. It's about rewriting, so that you can learn from your mistakes. It's about telling the world how you feel. But if you try to get other people to write the story for you, then it's not your story anymore.

That's why it bothers me so much when some of my students seem to care more about the grade then the writing. They end up not learning anything from the writing process. They don't get to tell their stories.

When you share your writing with other people, what kinds of questions do you ask them? What kind of feedback do you hope to get?

By the way, Guinevere is hosting a cool contest on her blog, This is Not My Day Job; all you have to do to enter is be a follower and leave a comment on her blog. You could win a great art print with a writing theme! For more info check out her blog. The deadline to enter is November 19.

When Did "Friend" Become a Verb?

Recently, the awesome KarenG of the blog Coming Down the Mountain: From Reclusive Writer to Published Author, wrote a post about her decision to leave Facebook.

I've been thinking about joining Facebook. It's not so I can reconnect with old friends or meet new people. I want to join Facebook for the coupons.

A lot of restaurants offer coupons to people through this site. But if you don't have an account, you can't get coupons. That's not fair! That's Facebook discrimination!

I'm also reluctant to put pictures of myself online. I'm not very photogenic. In almost every picture it looks like one of my eyes is winking and the other eye is opened extra wide, so it looks like I got a giant eye transplant. I also imagine people viewing my picture and asking themselves, "Why did she get plastic surgery to make her nose look bigger?" (On a side note, my pictures on my online dating profiles are probably why I only seemed to attract losers.)

If they have a "friend" list, why can't they have an "enemy" list too? I'd "enemy" several people with messages like, "Neurotic Workaholic wants to enemy you. And by 'enemy' she wants to make you cry yourself to sleep every night." (If they had an anti-social networking site, I'd probably sign up for it.) I'd also have a "Writers who rock" list, and possibly a "Guys I want to make out with" list.

And seeing as how I'm such a positive person, I'd have a "dislikes" list in addition to my "likes" list. It would say, "Neurotic Workaholic dislikes people who make excuses, people who blow cigarrette smoke in her face and make her go 'HAAACCCKKK', summers in Chicago because that's when the tourists come out and OH DEAR GOD it's going to be Christmas season soon and THEY WILL RETURN HELP HELP HELP, and decaf coffee, because what's the point of drinking coffee if you don't get wired enough to run around with your arms in the air while you babble a mile a minute?"

And I'd probably just lie on my Facebook updates too. I'd write something like, "Today I had lunch with the Mayor. He gave two thumbs up to my moving sidewalk idea so that I don't have to walk as much." Or "Nora Ephron wants to make a film version of my book and I haven't even written it yet." Or "Today I bought all the property on Michigan Avenue. It's hard to have so much money." That way, if anyone from high school did see my page, they'd think I was successful.

That's also why I didn't go to my high school reunion. I don't want to go back until I can arrive in a helicopter, like the class geek (played by the brilliant Alan Cumming) did in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.

But I'm not going to get a Facebook page anytime soon. I'd probably just get really addicted to it. (You may not have noticed, but I tend to be obsessive. About everything.) I started watching Jersey Shore one day and now I've seen every episode of Season 2. (Shut up.) My IQ has gone down at least fifty points, and my soul cries a little every time the show comes on. And yet I can't help watching. They're so stupid it's funny. And I'm not being mean. Just listen to them talk for five minutes. So it's probably better if I don't join Facebook for now. But I still want those coupons.

What's your opinion of Facebook? Why do you have/not have a page?

Dancing in the Street

One thing I've noticed when I go to work in the morning is how glum people look. They look like they're about to get their cavities filled at the dentist's office, or like they just finished watching a Keeping up with the Kardashians marathon. No one talks to each other; they're just focused on getting to their destination.

Once a random guy passed me on the street and said, "Good morning!" I didn't respond but looked at him suspiciously. I thought, What's HIS problem?

Sometimes, though, I get the urge to dance along to the music I listen to on my iPod as I'm walking around outside. It reminds me of when I was a kid, and I used to skip along the sidewalk just because I felt like it. Do you ever feel that way? When you hear a Lady Gaga song, don't you also feel the urge to put on oddly shaped clothes and just start dancing? Because I do.

But I don't. There are a few people who dance along to the music on their iPods, but other people usually avert their gaze and cross the street to avoid them. But I think that people would be even just a little bit happier if they could just dance in the street when they felt like it.

Check out this scene from one of my favorite movies, 500 Days of Summer. I love this movie not just because of the great acting, but because the writing's even better. I believe that the love story is most people's favorite story, and I like this movie's story because it portrays love without all the cliches.

In this scene, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is dancing on his way to work, and everyone else starts dancing too. Okay, maybe he's dancing because he just got lucky (wink, wink), but still.



There are other things that I feel like doing, but I don't do. I do what I'm supposed to do instead. And yet I think it would make me feel better if I actually did them.

For example, there's this group of people who hang out at my favorite coffeehouse. They are there for hours every day. They treat the coffeehouse like it's their own living room, because they have no consideration for the other customers. They yell greetings to their friends entering the cafe; they raise their voices and argue with each other on a regular basis, and they take up several tables even if there are only a few of them there. I don't expect a coffeehouse to be quiet, but I would like to be able to sit and relax without feeling the urge to fling my coffee in their direction.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if this coffeehouse wasn't within walking distance to my apartment, so I have to go further away just to buy a cup of coffee. (And I can't make it at home, because I like iced coffee and I don't have a blender. Or ice. Or a coffee maker, for that matter.) I contacted management about these people; the manager gave me a coupon for a free drink and said he'd talk to the people in charge. But I still see them there.

Sometimes, I wish I could walk over to them, slam my hands down on their table, and yell, "SHUT UP! You are NOT the only ones here!" And then maybe I'd knock over their drinks or spit in them or something. But I don't.

I work every day, even on weekends. Even if I don't have to teach that day, I still have my graduate work to do, plus my job for a website. But occasionally, I feel the urge to play hooky and do something else. I think about going to a movie (I only see about two or three movies a year), so that I could enjoy the luxury of an empty theater in the middle of the day. I think about going to Shedd Aquarium and making fish faces at the fish to see if they'll recognize me as one of them. I think about spending the whole day writing. I think about letting myself stop so that I could just breathe, so that I could think about something besides work for once. But I don't.

What do you wish that you could do? If you don't do it, then what holds you back?

How to Lose Followers and Alienate People

1. Write a post titled "The Top 100 Reasons Why I Am Better Than You".

2. Write a post titled "The Top 100 Reasons Why You Suck for Not Following Me."

3. Plagiarize entire passages and/or posts from other bloggers' writing, and "justify" it by saying, "They stole from me! I just didn't get the chance to write down MY ideas yet, so they must have read my mind or something. But I'm ON to them!"

4. Write reviews of shows like Jersey Shore and Rock of Love and explain why the cast members are our nation's "future".

5. Reveal all the secrets that were told to you in confidence by your friends and family, and say that they have no right to be mad at you because you are simply answering your calling as an "artist". And, if they never told you any secrets because they know that your mouth is the size of Soldier Field and you will blab everything to anyone with ears, then make stuff up, as long as it makes you look good.

6. Make sure that all your posts are about how great your life is, how everyone loves you, how you NEVER have ANY problems with writing EVER, how all the agents and publishers are beating down your door RIGHT NOW just because you're so awesome. That way, anyone reading your posts will roll their eyes and then run to find a place to throw up.

7. Host blog contests where the first prize is the pen you used when you wrote your first novel.

8. Write guest posts for other bloggers, and make sure that the titles of your guest posts say something like, "And here's why you should be reading my blog instead".

9. Instead of making people fill out that word verification box in order to leave a comment on your blog, make them sign over the rights to their first published novel, or make them guess what number between one and 1,546,287 that you're thinking of, or make them give up their blogs so that your blog won't have any competition.

10. Respond to everyone who leaves comments on your posts, and write them messages that say stuff like, "Yes, I know that I'm amazing, but the question is, do your friends know?"

11. Recognize your fellow bloggers by giving them awards with names like "Almost as Cool as Me" and "I GUESS his blog is ok".

12. Don't follow too many blogs, because it takes up too much time that otherwise would be spent admiring your reflection in the mirror, practicing your acceptance speech for the Pulitzer Prize, and writing ANOTHER 100 reasons why you are better than everyone else.

Feel free to add to this list....

Holding my tongue

I think that one advantage that kids have over adults is that they typically feel freer to say exactly what they're thinking. For example, you usually don't hear adults say stuff like, "You're mean! I hate you!" or "You look like the monster hiding under my bed!" or "Your voice is so weird that even Alvin and the Chipmunks would laugh at you!"

But most adults aren't like that. We don't always say what we think, because we don't want to hurt other people's feelings. Or maybe it's because we're afraid of what others will think of us. Once we say it out loud, we can't take it back.

Here are a few examples of things that I was thinking over the past few days and wished I could have said out loud, but I didn't.

To the guy who sat next to me on the train:
Me: Wow, it's really crowded today. Everyone on the train is squished together. I'm just going to move over to this other seat.

What I wanted to say: Looks like someone needs to trim his nosehairs. And by the way? Unless you want to get slapped with your own hand, you'll stop pressing your leg against mine.

To the neighbor who left three loads of laundry in three dryers for more than two hours after the loads were completed, thus preventing me from using any of them.
Me: I was wondering whose laundry that was. I've been waiting for a while to use the dryers, and I really need to get my own laundry done.

What I wanted to say: Do you want your laundry to be thrown out on the front lawn? Because it will happen if you do this again.

To the barista taking my drink order at Starbucks:
Me: I'll take a Frappuccino and a doughnut, please.

What I wanted to say: I really want two doughnuts, but I'm afraid that you and the customers will be silently judging me for eating too much. And then I'll never be able to come back to this Starbucks again and I'll start having nightmares of people throwing doughnuts at me.

To the female acquaintance showing me her new outfit:
Me: What a nice shirt! I think it looks great.

What I wanted to say: Richard Simmons called. He wants his shirt back.

To the cute guy standing behind me in line at the grocery store:
Me: (nothing)

What I wanted to say: I really wish I wasn't holding a copy of Cosmopolitan right now. You didn't, uh, read the headlines on it, did you? Because I'm just buying this for the, uh, fashion tips. I wish there was a way to discreetly turn to the article in here on how to talk to cute guys without making them think I have "issues".

To the guy talking to his friends as I was walking by:
Guy: And there are all these people doing Satan's bidding right here on Earth! (I swear I'm not making that line up.)

Me: (nothing)

What I wanted to say: Does watching the Jersey Shore count as doing Satan's bidding? Because if that's the case, then I'm definitely going to hell.


What about you? Is there anything that you wish you could say out loud?


The amazing writer and blogger Lisa Maliga's new book, Notes from Nadir, is now out on Kindle! Be sure to check it out. I've included Amazon.com's description of her book below:

Notes from Nadir is Lisa Maliga's fictionalized tale of discovering that the past is never quite through with you -- even if you think it is. She's a determined writer who leaves her Midwestern home to become a Hollywood screenwriter. After years of working a series of temp jobs and almost making it in Los Angeles, financial troubles force her return to the flyover country she's renamed Nadir.

Lisa moves in with her ailing Mom, tries to find work, meets her relatives, and attempts to adapt to a much smaller city filled with memories of her younger, more hopeful self.

If noon is Zenith then Nadir is 6:30. And it was 6:29 and counting down. Way down.

For more information on Lisa's book and how to access it through Kindle, check out her blog.

Also check out Theresa Milstein's Halloween Haunting, where you'll get the chance to win a free book, read new blogs, and get new followers!