Tuesday, November 2, 2010

How to Lose Followers and Alienate People

1. Write a post titled "The Top 100 Reasons Why I Am Better Than You".

2. Write a post titled "The Top 100 Reasons Why You Suck for Not Following Me."

3. Plagiarize entire passages and/or posts from other bloggers' writing, and "justify" it by saying, "They stole from me! I just didn't get the chance to write down MY ideas yet, so they must have read my mind or something. But I'm ON to them!"

4. Write reviews of shows like Jersey Shore and Rock of Love and explain why the cast members are our nation's "future".

5. Reveal all the secrets that were told to you in confidence by your friends and family, and say that they have no right to be mad at you because you are simply answering your calling as an "artist". And, if they never told you any secrets because they know that your mouth is the size of Soldier Field and you will blab everything to anyone with ears, then make stuff up, as long as it makes you look good.

6. Make sure that all your posts are about how great your life is, how everyone loves you, how you NEVER have ANY problems with writing EVER, how all the agents and publishers are beating down your door RIGHT NOW just because you're so awesome. That way, anyone reading your posts will roll their eyes and then run to find a place to throw up.

7. Host blog contests where the first prize is the pen you used when you wrote your first novel.

8. Write guest posts for other bloggers, and make sure that the titles of your guest posts say something like, "And here's why you should be reading my blog instead".

9. Instead of making people fill out that word verification box in order to leave a comment on your blog, make them sign over the rights to their first published novel, or make them guess what number between one and 1,546,287 that you're thinking of, or make them give up their blogs so that your blog won't have any competition.

10. Respond to everyone who leaves comments on your posts, and write them messages that say stuff like, "Yes, I know that I'm amazing, but the question is, do your friends know?"

11. Recognize your fellow bloggers by giving them awards with names like "Almost as Cool as Me" and "I GUESS his blog is ok".

12. Don't follow too many blogs, because it takes up too much time that otherwise would be spent admiring your reflection in the mirror, practicing your acceptance speech for the Pulitzer Prize, and writing ANOTHER 100 reasons why you are better than everyone else.

Feel free to add to this list....


  1. How about trying to force people to follow your blog and keep constantly asking them to spread the word?

    Talking about page rank all the time and how many people you have, and all that stats stuff also annoys me

  2. Haha! I love this - yup, I'm pretty sure it would help you lose followers! Especially number 11.

  3. Hi FB,
    Oh, I know! People should read blogs because they want to, not because they're pressured to. When I registered my blog on blogcatalog, I got a bunch of e-mails from people who weren't interested in reading my blog but just wanted me to follow theirs. Some of the same people would repeatedly e-mail me, which is why I deleted my profile on that site.

    Hi Melissa,
    Thanks! The key would be sending the pen after it's run out of ink, tee hee. :)

    Hi Talli,
    I know, right? Sending an award like that would be more about the person who's giving the award than the person who's receiving it.

  4. Hello! I just popped over from that haunting thing, and this post made me giggle - especially number 10.

    Let's add: Witter on about nothing at all because I am inherently fascinating and nothing in my life deserves to go unremarked.

  5. hahaha, nice!maybe i'll just gibve it a try lol

  6. Hi brokenbiro,
    Oh, that's a good one! I like blog posts that have some kind of theme or message to them. I think the only writers who ever got away with writing about "nothing" were the Seinfeld writers. :)

    Hi nerstes,
    Thanks! I didn't really know much about how to build a following, so I thought I'd write about the opposite. :)

  7. Is this about me?

    Some people do use their blogs to pump themselves up and spill too many family secrets. When a blog bothers me, I avoid it.

  8. Hi Theresa,
    Oh, no, it's not about you! I love your blog! I just wrote the post since I'd read some really great posts from other blogs on how to build a following, but not as many posts on how to lose followers.

  9. Hi Marieke,
    Thanks! It's always nice to know if what I write makes people laugh. :)

  10. I think you've covered it all. Pretty funny stuff. Especially #9!

  11. Hi notesfromnadir,
    Thanks! I wonder if people would actually be able to guess the number I was thinking of, especially because I forgot it already. :)