Monday, March 19, 2018

Hallmark Movies, Fake Pictures, and Small Talk

Reasons to start dating again:

1. When my mother asks me if I've met anyone, I won't have to say stuff like, "Um, yes, I have met someone. His name is Ken, but he's not ready for anything too serious right now. He just broke up with some blonde woman. I think her name starts with a B."

2. I might meet someone who's special and that I really like and want to be with, not someone whose number I end up blocking on my cell phone (which is what I did with the numbers of three of the guys I went out with in the past few months).

3. I won't watch the ending of Hallmark movies (they all pretty much end the same way) by saying bitterly, "I give 'em six months."

4. If I meet someone special, I'll never have to join another online dating site where I make boring small talk with random guys, even though what I really want to say is, "I don't CARE about which town you grew up in! I just want to know if you're the kind of guy who will come in and change the channel when I'm watching TV or who will look up from the TV when I come home from work and immediately ask, 'What's for dinner?'"

Reasons not to start dating again:

1. I might get matched with yet another guy who used fake pictures in his profile, which is what happened to me on Bumble. I figured out the pictures were fake by doing the reverse image Google search. The guy claimed to live an hour away from me and work in finance, but the pictures actually belonged to a twentysomething model with a different name and who lived in Los Angeles.

2. I won't have to look at any more profiles where guys pose proudly with pictures of the deer/fish/geese that they killed. I'm not a vegetarian, but I've been eating a lot less meat lately, partly because I can't afford it and partly because I've grown increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of hunting for sport and with how many animals that are bred for slaughter are abused. The sight of a dead deer with bullet holes in its body just doesn't make me think, "Wow, I bet the guy who killed that deer would make a really great husband someday."

3. I don't like it when a guy I start dating (like the Artist) messages me every single day before we even go on our first date. I don't think it's necessary to talk to the person you're dating every day. That's why I have to resist the urge to text back, "For the love of God, STOP texting me! Clinginess is NOT sexy!"

4. I'd like to focus on my teaching responsibilities, my second job, my academic research, and the memoir I've been writing about my experiences with online dating (I've written more than 10,000 words so far, and it's still pretty rough. But it's been fun to write, and I have plenty of material to mine through.).

5. I hate making small talk, guys who aren't interested but think it's "polite" to exchange messages with me, which gives me false hope, and guys who seem interested at first, send me many messages, and even talk about setting up a date, but then pull disappearing acts. But what I hate even more is that state of uncertainty: Does he like me? Do I like him, or am I only dating him because he's nice and I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone? Should I go out with him again? Will he text me again? Should I text him first? And so on.

6.  I fell hard for the Model, but he took what he wanted and tossed me aside like it was nothing, like I was nothing. The rational part of my brain knew that I deserved more and better than what he gave me, but the emotional part finally understood how you don't choose who you fall for. I can't keep putting myself out there in the hopes of finding someone special and ending up crushed, disappointed, and alone every time. There's only so much one person can take, and I'm at the point where I'm ready to give up. I'm almost thirty-seven years old, and I'm tired of all the b.s. that comes with dating. I don't want to still be going on first dates that go nowhere ten years from now, or even five years from now.

7. Dan Savage, the writer and advice columnist, said that it's not necessarily true that everyone is meant to find true love. He said if it was, no one would ever be alone. And the fact that I've gone out with more than two dozen guys, joined seven online dating sites, had several unrequited crushes, and failed to make a real connection with anyone makes me think that maybe the problem isn't the guys. Maybe it's me. Maybe there's something wrong with me, or maybe I'm just not meant to be with anyone. Maybe I'm meant to do something else with my life. There are a lot of other things I want to do: write, travel, teach, adopt a dog from an animal shelter, etc., and maybe that's what I should focus on instead. Maybe I should just focus on the things that already make me happy, instead of perpetually taking risks on something (or someone) that might make me happy and ending up sad every time.

I will try online dating at least one more time, most likely this summer. But for now, I'm going to focus on the other things in my life that are important to me because I still need a break.

What about you? Do you think that Dan Savage is right that not everyone is meant to find true love?


  1. I enjoy Hallmark movies during the holidays, but all the wedding ones bug me to no end. Single life. lol

    1. Hi Chrys,
      I used to like Hallmark movies, but now they just seem a little too sugary sweet to me. And sometimes it's hard to watch the nice guys in those movies after coming home from yet another date with a total tool (though I know it is hard for real-life guys to live up to the movie versions, though I should think it shouldn't be too hard for them to refrain from being tools).

  2. I think it's telling that there are more cons than pros ;-) I think you should have another go because you deserve someone who presents you with dinner when you walk in from work!

    I don't know if Dan Savage is right. I'd like to think that everyone who wants to be with someone will be, at the right time.

    1. Hi Annalisa,
      Yeah, I'm not really enthusiastic about dating anyone right now. It just makes me think of profiles like the one where the guy wrote that the woman he dates can only wear her hair in a ponytail one day a week.
      I'd like to believe that Dan Savage isn't right about this one, at least not where I'm concerned, but the fact that I keep striking out in dating has made me a lot more pessimistic.

  3. I'm not sure if Dan Savage is right, but it sounds like you're really, really frustrated right now. And understandably so!

    The other day I was talking to someone about the book I'm working on right now, how none of it feels right, how I wrote it when I was in a different place in life, and how I'm not even sure that this is the project I want to be working on. When I was done talking, they said, "Sounds like you've already made your decision."

    There's a good chance that I'm uniquely unqualified to comment on this, but you seem drawn much more towards the cons of keeping up with dating. Ultimately though, I do hope you find someone who makes you happy.

    1. Hi Caitlin,
      I think I'm more focused on the cons right now because it seems like I just keep going on one bad date after another, with one wrong guy after another. I felt a lot more optimistic when I first joined an online dating site years ago, but seven online dating sites and two dozen dates later, I've become a lot more cynical.
      It's like, I do want to find someone who makes me happy. But I don't like reading profiles where guys specify weight limits for their dates or guys don't take no for an answer after our one bad date. It's just gotten to the point where I don't even want to do it anymore because I'm tired of being disappointed again and again.

  4. #1 made me laugh out loud. I like the idea of mixing things up by not going on the sites for a while. I think seeing and meeting many of those weird guys would make anyone tired of the dating scene!

    1. Hi Deniz,
      I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond; I haven't done any blogging in weeks! And yes, there are a LOT of weird guys on those online dating sites. I mean, I'm pretty weird, but these guys are weird in a creepy/annoying way, not a good way.

  5. Yeah, your list of reasons not to date was much longer than your reasons to date, so sounds like you made a good choice. Of course, I'm a month late in reading this, so maybe things have changed.

    I'm excited about your book! I hope writing it is cathartic and maybe even gives you some clarity on this whole dating thing.

    1. Hi Nicki,
      I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond; I've had blogger's block and haven't even looked at my blog in weeks. Nothing's changed in terms of dating; I haven't gone out with anyone since the polyamorous guy. I have liked writing the book about online dating, though; it's helped me make sense of things.