Monday, February 22, 2016

Socially Awkward

I will never be referred to as a "social butterfly." I'm much more likely to be described as an obsessive neurotic workaholic who will suddenly come down with an incurable case of I-don't-want-to-go-so-BACK-OFF whenever someone invites me to a party.

I am grateful to the people I've met for making an effort to include me in their social circle. I've done more socializing in the past few weeks than I did in the previous months, when I was still getting settled in Small Town. It has been a pleasure to get to know some nice people and spend time with them.

But on the other hand, I've always been an introvert and a loner, and I don't like to socialize THAT often. For example, one thing that Small Town Guy and his friends like to do on a regular basis is go out for drinks to a local bar. Since I'm a teetotaler, I like bars as much as I like trying on swimsuits within earshot of girls who are a size zero and complain that they look "fat". (I have a head-butting reflex for girls like that.)

But I go and drink soda at the bar with them, because I've finally realized that it's not good to let my life revolve around work all the time. Sometimes I feel shy and nervous around that many people; big social situations like that have always made me feel anxious and prone to saying things that make me want to slap my face so that I'll stop talking.

I've declined more than one social invitation, partly because I can't afford to go out as often as the others do, and partly because most of the time, I'd rather go off and do my own thing. Although I enjoy their company, sometimes my mind wanders when I'm with them.

I find myself thinking about the books I'm reading, and all of a sudden I'm not at a bar or out to dinner with the others. I'm sitting on the fire escape of a Brooklyn tenement with Francie Nolan from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, or I'm writing in a Paris cafe with Ernest Hemingway in A Moveable Feast, or I'm camping out in Taos, New Mexico with the main characters in Natalie Goldberg's Banana Rose.

Other times I think about my own writing, which I've sadly been neglecting due to my full-time job and part-time job. I think about which guy my main character should end up with, and I think of scenes that I want to rewrite or take out altogether. It makes me wish I could take out my journal and jot a few notes down, but then the others would either think I'm rude or want me to read my writing out loud to them, which is about as appealing as wearing a swimsuit in front of them.

When I was younger, I tried to be more social. On the rare occasions I wasn't at one of my three (or four) jobs,  I went to bars, clubs, or parties with my friends. But more often than not, I'd make up an excuse and leave early, because I felt uncomfortable or bored. Once I went to a party where I only knew one other person. All the guests spent the whole time gossiping about people that I didn't know, so finally I stood up and announced that I was going home. One of them said, "Oh, I hope we weren't boring you with all of our talk!"

I replied, "Actually, you totally were. See ya!" (I also have a thing about being a little too direct sometimes.)

I remember going to a nightclub with some friends, where they danced, drank, and flirted. All I could think was how much I'd rather be watching one of my favorite crime dramas or browsing in a bookstore. I felt that as someone in her twenties, I should enjoy myself in situations like that, as so many other twentysomethings did. But I never really did.

Now that I'm older, I do try to adapt to social situations more often. But I still feel awkward and out of place sometimes, and I feel bad for being so antisocial. I think it's something that just comes with the territory of being an introvert, and it's not something I'll ever be able to change.

What about you? Do you consider yourself to be an extrovert or an introvert?

22 comments:

  1. Love this post! You just described me. I've been a introvert and a loner my whole life, something that I'm still having trouble accepting as an adult. And if introversion wasn't enough, I also lack confidence and I'm generally depressed and withdrawn, so that just makes me an awkward introvert. I don't think there's anything that can be done about introversion. It's just how we're wired. But if we can do something about the depression and confidence, I think that can help us find a place to fit in.

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    1. Hi nomdeplume,
      I think you're right about how we're wired to be introverted or extroverted; I've tried being extroverted in the past, and it just didn't work for me. As far as confidence goes, I try something I heard about on TV or the movies (I think): I ask the people I'm with questions, so that I don't have to do most of the talking.

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  2. I'm socially awkward too. Definitely an intovert. Reading this post reminded me of myself. ;)

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    1. Hi Chrys,
      I'm glad I'm not the only one! I used to worry that I was, when I'd go to clubs or parties and everyone else seemed to be having so much fun and I just wanted to go home.

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  3. I'm socially awkward too. Definitely an intovert. Reading this post reminded me of myself. ;)

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  4. You know, I've decided this world is big enough and diverse enough that it's okay to be myself. At the same time, that self is constantly stretching and trying to grow in new ways so I'm okay with that, but I think being social is more a younger skill. *shrugs* Maybe that's just how it is for me.

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    1. Hi Crystal,
      It took a long time for me to feel comfortable to be myself; I finally realized that I was happier when I was true to who I was than when I was trying to be someone else.
      Maybe being social is a younger skill; it was a little easier for me to be sociable when I was younger, but even then I preferred solitude a lot of the time.

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    2. I understand that. I was 50/50, but everyone thought I was this social butterfly because I did the social scene with pizzazz. *shrugs* I guess that makes sense where my dad is a total introvert and Mom is beyond social.

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  5. I'm an introvert, but if I feel I MUST go to an event, I put on my extrovert behavior. I've been told I'm a lot of fun at events, but then I go home exhausted, happy to fulfill my duties but even happier to turn down the next invitation.

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    1. Hi Charly,
      I'm glad that I'm not the only one who doesn't say yes to every invitation; I always feel guilty about it, but I know that I wouldn't be happy going to an event if I didn't really want to be there.
      By the way, I've been wanting to post comments on your blog, but I couldn't because I have to sign up for Google+ to do that. When I tried to sign up for Google+ before, it connected to the e-mail I use to contact my students; I don't want my students to read my blog. But I'm still reading your blog, though! I like it a lot.

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  6. I think about my own stories a lot while out in public. Wrote a short story on a bar napkin once...
    I'd still rather hang out at a bar than do anything that involves dancing :-)

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      Sorry about my late response! I've been so bad about blogging lately, but I really do appreciate your comments!
      I never liked dancing much either, except for dance classes at my gym; that was because the instructor told us how to dance, so I didn't have to make up the moves myself. :)

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  7. You are normal. I'm an introvert too. Parties freak me out. Just last night I was in a social situation and I ended up saying things that made me sound dumb. I know I'm not. But because I was in a crowd, I was not myself and what I was thinking didn't come out as intended. I prefer staying in all the time. Don't feel bad about it. Embrace who you are. Introverts rock.

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    1. Hi Murees,
      Sorry about my late response! I'm sure the others didn't think you were dumb, though I know what it's like to say something you didn't mean to say.
      I used to try to be more extroverted, but I never felt comfortable; it just never "fit".

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  8. I'm sure your self-awareness and perspective has grown since you were in your early twenties, and that'll help you better navigate these situations.

    Groups of more than two or three people aren't my favorite - when in Rome I usually do what the Romans do - drink. Not offering that as advice, it's just what I do.

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    1. Hi Nicki,
      I prefer socializing in smaller groups too. I had a friend in college who always liked to hang out with people in big groups, but I felt like it was easier to talk to people when there were just a few of us.

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  9. I'm an extroverted introvert, I think. Although I have a couple of close friends with whom I enjoy spending time, the older I get the more precious my time feels. Thus I'd often rather be home doing something what I want (reading and/or hanging out with my sweetheart, who is likely also to be reading) than be in a social situation trying to have fun.

    Except that sometimes I have a pretty good time when I do force myself to accept an invitation. At those times I think, "I should do this more often" -- but weeks will go by before I do it again.

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    1. Hi Donna,
      I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond; I haven't been blogging as often lately. But thanks for commenting on my blog!
      I know what you mean about precious free time; I don't have a lot of free time, due to my multiple jobs, so when I get a day off I want to be able to relax, rather than feel anxious about socializing with a bunch of people. They're very nice people, but I still prefer to be on my own a lot of the time.
      I think it's different when we're younger, because we often think we have all the time in the world.

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  10. I used to have the same problem and some of it was me, some if it was people I hung out with. I found I liked hanging out with people who talk about things I'm interested in. Put me in a room full of people sharing celebrity gossip and I'm not there, but put me in a room full of people who want to discuss the lighting in their favorite movie, I'm all over it.

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    1. Hi Libby,
      I'm so sorry I didn't respond sooner! I used to blog a lot but this school year in particular I haven't been able to post as often.
      It's definitely easier and more fun to spend time talking with people whose interests you share. Once I went out with some people who talked about nothing but sports; it was all I could do not to doze off at the bar.

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  11. I'm somewhere in the middle. I like going out and meeting people, but I also like staying in bed with a book all day long.

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    1. Hi Misha,
      I'd much rather stay at home with a book; at least then I'd feel more comfortable.

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