Monday, March 23, 2015

Hello Is Not an Invitation

Almost every time I talk to my mother on the phone, she wants to know, "Do you have a boyfriend yet?" When I tell her no, she often reminds me that I am getting older; I am an old maid; her friends' daughters (many of whom are younger than me) are now married with children.

I never told her about He-Who-I-Shall-Not-Name-Without-Spitting-on-The-Ground-and-Cursing. I haven't told her about most of the other guys I've dated, who are the reasons that chastity belts should make a comeback.

Recently, there was a controversy over a video that was made of a woman walking around and that featured all the men calling out to her. A lot of people criticized the video, because some of the men were "only" saying hello and therefore the woman should feel flattered, not upset. In all the years I've lived in Chicago, guys have tried to come on to me in public on a regular basis. It doesn't make me feel flattered, attractive or special. It makes me feel wary, annoyed, and scared.

Last week, I was walking home from the train station when I saw a guy walking towards me. I tried to step out of his way, but he blocked my path and jumped at me, arms outstretched, as he yelled something nonsensical at me. I stepped away again and he kept lunging at me, before walking off and saying, "Dumb bitch." I yelled after him something that rhymes with "Buck shoe." Maybe I shouldn't have, but I was angry that he thought it was okay to attack a stranger who hadn't even done anything to him.

One day I was on my way to a bookstore and a guy said, "Hello." I made the mistake of saying hello back, and he took that as an invitation to follow me down the street. When I ignored him, he started screaming at me and calling me a racist. (FYI: I am NOT a racist. I ignored him not because his ethnicity was different but because he was way too aggressive, which turned me off.)

That's happened to me before. When I reject or ignore creeps like that, they accuse me of being a racist, an idiot, a lesbian, a bitch, etc. It infuriates me that jerks think it's okay to harass women and then insult them when the women try to walk away. How would they feel if women did that to them? These losers just don't understand how scary and intimidating it can be when you're a woman walking alone, no matter what time of day it is, when you are well aware of what can happen (especially in a city like Chicago, which unfortunately is well-known for its violence).

I've seen women do it too, though to a lesser extent. Once I saw a woman trying to strike up a conversation with a guy who was at least fifteen years younger than her. He was polite but clearly not interested, and she clearly didn't get it. He finally told her that he just wanted to be left alone, and she walked away.

Sometimes, the guys aren't creepy so much as just clueless. I was studying in a coffee shop and one of the old men who are omnipresent in coffee shops (they're usually playing chess, reading the paper, or chatting with baristas) struck up a conversation with me. He invited me to have dinner with him sometime, and I politely declined, though I wanted to say, "If you weren't old enough to be my grandfather, I might say yes. But you are, so NO!"

I don't tell my parents about this. They'd just see it as more evidence of why I need to leave Chicago, because they want me to live in the same city as them, where they can control where I live, where I work, and even what kinds of groceries I should buy. I'd rather stay in a city that I chose, even if it means dealing with creeps on a regular basis.

I'm not saying it's never okay for men to approach women. It's just that there's a time and a place for everything. And if a woman makes it clear that she's not interested, then the guy should BACK OFF and not insult her.

The last guy I liked, who liked me back, wasn't someone I met online. He was someone who struck up a conversation with me one day, and we just kept talking. Unlike all those other guys I mentioned, he wasn't violent, insulting, creepy, or old enough to be my father (or grandfather). He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He didn't show his true colors until much later. 

What about you? Do you ever get harassed or approached by guys who think that hello or even just eye contact is an invitation? How do you deal with it?

13 comments:

  1. Pretty much the only time guys would ever hit on me was at work, which made it even more difficult because I would have to see them everyday. Once there was a new guy and he said hello to me and I started talking to him because I thought that would be the polite thing to do since we worked together. The next time I saw him he just asked for my phone number and I didn't even know what to say because I just don't do that. I didn't want to say "no, I have a boyfriend" if he was just trying to be friendly, but I didn't want to say yes if he was actually just hitting on me. He seemed to get creepier and creepier over time and I found out he had asked for pretty much every girl's phone number in the place. So I was very glad that I hadn't given him mine.

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    1. Hi Sarah,
      Since he asked you for your phone number he probably was interested in you. Sorry about his creepy behavior; unfortunately, creeps like that can make the workplace very unpleasant. I don't blame you for not giving your phone number to him. It's normal for people to develop crushes on people that they work with, but for him to ask every girl for her phone number? That's weird, and I'm sure that the other girls would have been less inclined to give him their numbers if they knew about all the other people he'd already asked.

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  2. Buck shoe--ha ha!

    There definitely is this culture that it's okay for guys to call things out to women in public. It has happened to me. Never liked it. Few do. Guys either don't get it or don't care.

    You will probably appreciate this: http://nerdist.com/wednesday-addams-is-all-grown-up-and-over-your-street-harassment/

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      I can't help wondering if women have ever responded positively to those guys' "advances"; I haven't heard of any that have. So I don't get why guys think it's okay to behave like that. What men and women want is to be treated with respect, and the public harassment of strangers is not respectful.
      I love that video! Wednesday Addams was always my favorite, and I love that line about smiling; I HATE it when guys tell me to smile. I also wish I could bring Wednesday's "friends" with me the next time some jerks try to yell out to me from their car (and yes, that's happened several times).

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    2. I know. We all need a Wednesday Addams! Maybe we need to find our inner-Wednesday Addams.

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  3. Thank goodness things like this don't just happen to me! I'm sorry they happen to you so regularly. I have been in far too many creepy situations with strange men thinking that because they were interested in me, that I would share their feelings. Unfortunately I don't handle it as well as you. These days I'm too afraid to leave the house, just in case something happens again. I'm like a crazy/creepy guy magnet. Maybe it's our perfume or something. Stuff like this never happens to my siblings or friends, just me. You're the only other woman I know that has admitted to having the same problem with creeps.

    I do hope they leave you alone though. Honestly, some men just don't get that being aggressive and creepy is a big no-no.

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    1. Hi Murees,
      One thing that helps me feel less afraid is developing a strong awareness of my surroundings; I don't listen to my iPod when it's dark out and I am watchful of the people around me when I'm by myself. You could try making short trips out of the house, even just to get coffee or go to the store or something; that way, you can make a gradual transition and it might be easier that way.
      When I lived in a small town, things like this happened rarely; in a town that size, everyone knew each other, so if one person was creepy, everyone else would know about it within hours.

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  4. Most men are so normal, but they get overshadowed by the jerks :-( Sorry you have to put up with it, but it's definitely not a reason to move away!

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      Unfortunately, it's rarely the normal guys who approach me; it's almost always the jerks. I don't want to leave Chicago. I love it here, despite the creeps, because it's the only place that truly feels like home to me.

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  5. Well... it's weird. In South Africa, it's actually sort of normal to be greeted by people you don't know. It's not, however, normal for people to harass each other like this.

    It's happened once or twice, but it's not a thing like the stuff I've seen vids of or read about in the US.

    Bars, on the other hand... Guys always get in my face when they're drunk.

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    1. Hi Misha,
      Those drunk, aggressive guys at bars are partly why I avoid bars as much as possible. It bothers me that guys like that blame their actions on alcohol; the alcohol may lower their inhibitions, but I have a feeling that they would probably be aggressive with women even if they were sober.
      The negative experiences that have resulted from a simple "hello" have now made me wary when some random guy says, "Hello" or "Good morning"; I end up bracing myself in case something bad happens.

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  6. I've never understood why guys think this sort of approach will actually work. Do they really think they'll yell some slightly sexist come on at a woman and she'll fall into his arms? It baffles me.

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    1. Hi Rachel,
      I know, right? They just don't get that it's not okay to treat women like that. And then more often than not, those same guys complain about women rejecting them. Hmm, I wonder why...
      If they were just friendly, polite, and didn't come on so strong, they'd be much more likely to get positive reactions from women.

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