Monday, November 17, 2014

Saving Face

I was supposed to give a major presentation to the entire English Department at my school recently. I cancelled it. I am trying to think of things to say to all the grad students, lecturers, and professors who will want to know why I am the only Ph.D. candidate who cancelled her presentation (all the candidates are required to make individual presentations). Here are some of the things I might say:

Grad School Nemesis #1: Why didn't you do your presentation? Where were you that day?
Me: I don't know. Why don't you ask your boyfriend?

Grad School Nemesis #2: Why did you cancel your presentation? I know you were nervous, but that's really not an excuse to cancel something like this.
Me: I'm not nervous at all. I just earned a black belt in karate. Allow me to demonstrate some of my moves on you.

Professor who once referred to my work as a "disappointment": You do realize how important these presentations are, right?
Me: Are they as important as the days when Garrett gives out free popcorn?

I didn't want to cancel this presentation. I felt nervous, scared, and stressed out about it, as everyone else did when they presented their work. But I was anxious to prove that I WASN'T a mediocre scholar. For years, I've been told that my academic work was not good enough, which made me feel like I was not good enough.

I always envied and resented the other grad students for their academic accomplishments, especially because some (though not all) made me feel bad about my lack of awards, fellowships, and publications. I remember confiding in one classmate about how awful I felt after our professor and the entire class tore apart my paper. She responded, "Well, the professor really liked my paper. You should see all the great comments she wrote on it."

I was an A student from the first grade through the master's program. Everyone always told me that I was smart. But once I enrolled in the Ph.D. program, I didn't feel smart anymore. I just felt tired, stressed, and stupid.

Since this is supposed to be my last year in the program, this presentation was my last chance to prove to the entire department that my work really is good enough and that I really am smart. In academia, reputation is very important, especially when you are networking.

But I had to cancel it. Ever since my doctor increased my medication, the side effects have gotten worse. It affected my appetite, and I lost nearly ten pounds. I still feel tired all the time, and I get sick on a regular basis. One of the other side effects is that it makes my feet feel like they're falling asleep, and I often wake up in pain in the middle of the night. I'm not able to exercise as much as I used to. I still hear that whooshing sound in my ear. I'll ask my doctor to reduce my medication, but I'm scared that she'll tell me that a) I'm still not getting better; b) I'm getting worse; c) I'll have to stay on this medication indefinitely; d) I'll have to get surgery.

I have managed to get some work done. For example, I've applied to teach at more than two dozen schools around the country. I still have my website job, which I need to pay for these medical bills (my insurance doesn't cover all of them). And of course, I still have to work on my dissertation. So even though I don't have a lot of energy, I can't stay in bed all day.

As a workaholic, I always kept working, even if I got a cold or felt tired. But this is different.  I don't feel like I can tell the other people about what I'm going through. My dissertation committee knows, and they understood when I told them I had to cancel my presentation. But I don't know what to say to the other graduate students, and I don't think they'd understand anyway. Even though I am very sick, I don't look sick or act sick. If any of them tries to criticize me or question me too much about why I cancelled, I just might scream at them.

What about you? Have you ever had to cancel something that was important to you? How do you answer questions about private issues like health problems when you don't want everyone to know?

17 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear you're sick and struggling to do the things you need/want to do. That's a tough one. I think it's best to know what your truth is and ignore everyone else, if they choose to be negative. I can understand why you're frustrated. Start fresh tomorrow and don't give up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Emily,
      I'm not teaching right now, which means I can stay home, work on my dissertation and job applications, and avoid most of the people in the department. But I'm going to have to see them later this week, though I wish I didn't have to. I'll keep your advice in mind, though; I appreciate it.

      Delete
  2. ok, so I giggled at your reason. especially the first.:) love to see your dry humor amongst all the crazy and health issues you face. dang! wish I could help :) virtual hugs !!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Tammy,
      Nice comments like yours help. :) I was thinking of things I could possibly tell them, because I know at least a few of them will ask. I wish I didn't have to talk to them though and will just try to avoid the ones who give me a hard time.

      Delete
  3. I hear you about the PhD program making you feel different about yourself. Nothing made me feel dumber on a daily basis than the time I spent in the History department in that program.

    I'm sorry you're sick and feeling the effects of this medication, so you had to cancel. Don't worry what others think about you right now. Just take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Theresa,
      Thank you for your support. I spent years worrying about what others thought about me, especially my professors; I wanted so much to make a good impression. But nothing I did was ever good enough.
      I really hope that I can stop taking the medication sooner rather than later. I have another doctor's appointment next week, so fingers crossed...

      Delete
  4. I'm doing all the data for my brother's Phd and I understand why you feel dejected about your research. You work so hard and you shouldn't care what your peers say. One thing I've learnt from helping my brother out is that academic's like ripping each others work apart, simply to show their superiority. They feel great for making other people feel like crap. Personally I don't understand why people would be like that...but that's just me.

    You worked hard and if you got this far in your career, you are good at what you do and smart. If people ask you why you didn't do your presentation, tell them to mind their own business, or mention that the reason is personal. If that doesn't work, I like your first answer. Remember, you don't have to explain.

    Sorry that your health hasn't improved. But please do not lose hope. Take good care of yourself and good-luck with the job applications.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Murees,
      There's always a Q&A after each presentation, which is often more intimidating than the presentation itself because of all the criticism and questions from other scholars. People often make references to their own research; I think that's why they speak out in the first place. That is, they take the opportunity to talk about their own research.
      I'm not going to give a detailed explanation to most of the people who ask; I only provided details to a few of my professors, because I had to clear it with them before I cancelled. But I'm not telling the others because like you said, it's none of their business.
      Thank you for your support. It really does help, especially now.

      Delete
  5. Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time of it. It must be hard, when you constantly have people putting you down, but stay strong. Your health has to come first. And know that there are lots of people here who are on your side.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Annalisa,
      Comments like yours are why I like blogging; it's nice to know that there are good people out there who I can write to and who will write back.
      I normally don't take sick days, especially not when I'm teaching; without the teacher there's no class. But this is different.

      Delete
  6. You should just tell the others you're so good, the committee said you pass by default. ;)

    Yes, I have had to cancel things due to health issues--although my tendency is to work myself into the ground, and then some. We can't do that to ourselves. Our bodies are resilient and strong only when we allow them the necessary time to recover.

    Maybe you should make a button you can wear that simply says, "I'm awesome." Then if anyone questions you, just refer them to the button.

    Unleashing the Dreamworld

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Crystal,
      I like the button idea; I wish I could wear it to job interviews. :) You're right about needing time to recover. Even a workaholic like me needs to rest; I've been working too hard for so many years that it's difficult to take a step back and let myself rest.
      I was worried about not being able to make it through my presentation due to my health issues, though I was still planning to do it. But in a situation like this, I have to put my health first for once.

      Delete
    2. So true. I totally get how hard it is to step back. I have to take a whole month or two of reprogramming mentally when it's time to change the routine.

      Delete
  7. I don't think I've ever cancelled anything - I'm too much of a good girl to do that. I just showed up and performed horribly after a night of no sleep.

    I empathize with you though. As to what to tell your fellow grads - I wouldn't spend much time worrying about it. From my own experience, I wasted way too much time worrying about what others thought when I was young and where are those people now - I have no idea and I don't care.

    I like you 1st answer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Savvy Working Gal,
      I'm pretty sure I won't keep in touch with most of the other grad students once I finally leave school. I did try to be friends with them at first, but it never worked out. You're right that I shouldn't worry so much about what they think.
      It was difficult for me to cancel the presentation. I really thought I could do it, but I was also afraid that I might get sick while I was up there in front of the department, which would have been even more embarrassing.

      Delete
  8. I'm so, so sorry. It sounds like you ended up in a pretty toxic environment, and I'm glad to hear that you're nearing the end of it. Good luck with your presentation if/when you reschedule it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Caryn,
      I'll be so glad and relieved when I can move on to something that's (hopefully) better. I'm not sure if I can reschedule the presentation, but at least my committee understood why I had to cancel it.

      Delete