Monday, September 2, 2013

Don't Be That Friend

Even though I am a loner, I do try to make friends with people who have similar interests to mine, whose company I enjoy, and who don't make me feel like I'm stuck in the movie Mean Girls. For example, once I invited a girl my age to have a picnic in Grant Park. Even though it was a nice day out and the food was good, I still felt like hiding out in my apartment with the shades drawn and the door locked, just so I wouldn't have to listen to that girl talk about the fight she had with her boyfriend. She spent the entire time talking about him.

In college, I was friends with a guy who talked about his girlfriend every single time we saw each other. It didn't matter what conversation we were having; he always found a way to bring her into it.

Me: Do you want to go check out that new music store?
Him: Yeah, that sounds like fun. I think I'm going to buy a new CD for my girlfriend. I haven't bought a gift for her this week. (I'm seriously not making that line up.)

Me: This pizza tastes so good.
Him: You know who else likes pizza? My girlfriend.

Me: Don't you hate it when people are always talking about the same thing? (This was my not-so-subtle hint to him to shut up about his girlfriend.)
Him: I know. My girlfriend doesn't like it either.

I also tried to make friends with a young woman who I liked a lot, until she met her boyfriend. One year, she promised to take me out for dinner for my birthday, but then she didn't respond to my e-mail where I tried to confirm the outing. I spent that birthday eating dinner in front of the TV and waiting for her to call. I later found out that she didn't call because she wanted to keep the night open in case her boyfriend wanted to go out.

Even worse, every time we saw each other after that, she'd have more "good news" about how amazing her boyfriend was and how much in love they were. "Did I tell you about the flowers he sent me? I felt so loved." "We're going to buy his and her towels when we move in together." "He is so handsome. I think he should have been a model instead of a doctor."

I smiled and nodded and looked at their vacation pictures, but what I really wanted to say was, "Good thing the flowers didn't give you an allergic reaction." "In addition to the towels, are you also going to tattoo each other's names on your faces so that everyone knows that you're in a relationship?" "Does he carry a mirror around so that he can admire his good looks all the time?"

I admit, I was a little jealous that those people found happiness with people that they loved, while I was still alone. But it wasn't like I wasn't happy for them too, because I was. I just didn't need to hear about their boyfriends/girlfriends all the time.

Maybe it's harder for me to relate because I'm single. I don't know what it feels like to want to talk about one person all the time, or to want to spend all my time with that person. (If and when I do fall in love, I don't think I'll want to spend all my time with him. I'll need time to myself to work, write, and put banana peels on the ground in front of unsuspecting annoying people.)

I also can get focused on one topic. Most of my blog posts this summer have been about online dating, ever since I joined match.com. Not to mention a lot of my other blog posts are about my work, seeing as how work is the love of my life. I'll also admit that in the past, I talked about my various jobs with my friends a LOT. But now I've learned that it's important to write and talk about other things. I've learned that it's important to listen to what other people have to say, and to consider the fact that what I'm obsessed with might not be what they want to hear every single time together. I've learned that if I want to stay friends with someone, I have to show them that I really do value their company, that I don't take them for granted, that I'm sensitive to their feelings, and that they're not just a sounding board for my personal life.

Still, it made me a little sad that those "friendships" didn't work out. It made me blame myself a little; maybe the fact that I'm a loner or the fact that I'm a neurotic workaholic keeps me from connecting with people. It also made me value my own company more, because at least I don't make myself want to hide in my apartment with the door locked and the shades drawn.

What about you? Do you have friends who go on and on about their boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses? If so, how do you deal with it? Do you ever get to a point where you can tell them that you don't mind hearing about their love lives occasionally, but you don't want to hear about them all the time?

22 comments:

  1. In my opinion, if you're secure in your relationship you don't need to mention your partner all the time, and you definitely don't need 'his and hers' towels! And the last time a friend blew me off in case her boyfriend wanted to hang out, we were both 13. I think you've just had bad luck when it comes to the friends you've made. Being happy in your own company is a great skill to have.

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      It never feels good when a friend blows you off; this "friend" blew me off when we were already adults. I do seem to have bad luck when it comes to making friends, though I do have a few good ones. But I don't mind being a loner most of the time; I enjoy going to museums, cafes, movies, and other places on my own.

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  2. I love this post and totally agree with you. No one needs to talk about their significant other that much, it is unquestionably obnoxious! I just got dumped 3 weeks ago, and for the last 12 days I have been working a tour with a friend who has always talked about her boyfriend ALL THE TIME. You'd think she'd be a little sensitive to the fact that I'm freshly hurting, but nope, she has talked about him just as much. It's been even more annoying than usual, if that's possible. When I was in the relationship that just ended, I made sure still be an independent person. Nothing screams "CO-DEPENDENT" like never being "I" but always being "we".

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    1. Hi New York Cliché,
      I'm so sorry you and your boyfriend broke up; I know that you really cared about him. I can tell from reading your blog that you are a talented, interesting, and good person; you deserve to be with someone who appreciates that. I'm sorry too about your friend who wouldn't stop talking about her boyfriend; she shouldn't have done that. You're right that it's important to be independent even when you're in a relationship; I don't think I'll ever be able to give up my "alone time" altogether, even if I do fall in love.

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  3. That sucks about your birthday-doesn't sound like she's a good friend regardless of the boyfriend issue. I find that I'm very selective about my friends the older I get. My time is precious- and so is theirs, no since wasting it being annoyed with each other.

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    1. Hi Melanie,
      I should have made other plans for that birthday; if she had at least e-mailed me beforehand to cancel, it would have softened the blow. At least then I wouldn't have been waiting for her to call.
      It's good that you're selective about your friends; that makes you value their friendship even more.

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  4. With age, I've gotten pickier about friends. And because someone has no social skills and is a selfish friend doesn't mean you are a bad person for no longer wanting to be around them. Life's too short, time is too precious. I'd rather be by myself than around someone who annoys me.

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    1. Hi Karen,
      I especially agree with your point about how you'd rather be by yourself than be around someone who annoys you; that's one of the reasons that I'm a loner. I know that no one's perfect, but I do think that if I'm going to be friends with someone, then there needs to be mutual respect and consideration for each other. I think that those people I described weren't necessarily trying to be mean, but they definitely weren't considering my feelings either.

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  5. I like Karen's comment. Life is too short to hang around with selfish people. I'll also add that communication is key in any relationship, including friendship. So if a friend is doing something that's bothering you, it's good to speak up, otherwise they just won't know.

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    1. Hi Lynda,
      Even though I'm able to describe what bothers me on this blog, I've never been good at saying it to certain people's faces. I should tell them that their behavior gets to me, but I rarely do; I need to learn how to stand up for myself more often. Otherwise, I just end up feeling hurt and upset. But thanks for the advice! It helps. :)

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  6. Okay, so the line "he should have been a model instead of a doctor" almost made my coffee come out my nose.
    New relationships are the worst for this. Hopefully these people will all chill with the significant other talk once they're a little more used to them.

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    1. Hi Rachel,
      It is true that people who have just started dating often like to talk a lot about their significant others, but that guy who always talked about his girlfriend kept talking about her even after they'd been together for a long time. I guess people like him are just oblivious to the fact that even though they're in love with their significant others, that doesn't mean everyone else wants to hear about it all the time.

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  7. I think in my demographic it's more like friends who go on and on about their kids, which I don't mind in doses and I know I'm guilty of it too...but there reaches a point of saturation on any topic where you're desperate to talk about something, anything else!

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    1. Hi Johanna,
      I like reading your posts about your kids. This may sound cheesy, but it's inspiring to read about a happy family. It's nice to know that there really are happy families out there. As far as the friends who talk about their kids all the time, though, that would get annoying; it'd be hard to figure out how to change the topic without offending them.

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  8. I've known people like this. Actually, there's one in my life right now. It's a true test of patience, for sure.

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    1. Hi Julie,
      I try to be patient with these people, but sometimes I wish I could just say what I was really thinking. I think that they need a wake-up call on that kind of thing.

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  9. Usually they only go on about their boyfriends or husbands in the early days - that sparkle wears off after you clean your spouses toilet enough times. Then it's their kids - you know, the people who have the nicest, smartest, cutest kids ever? That too wears off and eventually you're two old ladies and they won't shut up about their cat.

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    1. Hi Charmaine,
      Haha, I have met people who talk a lot about their pets! I'd love to talk more about my parents' dogs, but I know that not everyone is a dog person. And maybe that friend who talked about moving in with her boyfriend really did change her tune once they started living together. I wouldn't know, though; we don't really hang out anymore.

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  10. I agree with Charmaine. Those obsessive discussions about boyfriends and girlfriends don't go on forever.

    Off topic, but I thought you'd like this:
    http://theotherclass.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/top-10-hate-crimes-against-professors/

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  11. Hi Theresa,
    I love that post! Thank you for sending it to me; it was so funny! And it really hit home, too. I would add that grade complaints are another "crime" that should be on the list, as well as getting their parents to complain about the grades to the teacher. And it has happened on several occasions where people didn't show up for appointments with me. That always bothered me, especially if I came to campus just for those appointments.

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  12. Well... I believe that we got two ears and on mouth for a reason: to use them in that ratio. People who talk right over you about the same thing all the time technically shouldn't be called friends.

    Friendship involves talking AND listening...

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    1. Hi Misha,
      I especially like your statement about how we have two ears and one mouth and to use them in that ratio. I was once friends with someone who made me feel like he was just waiting for me to finish talking so that he could launch into an unrelated topic about his own life. It made me feel like he wasn't even listening to what I was saying; he just wanted an audience.

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