Monday, January 14, 2013

Is There an App for Shy People?

There's a guy at my gym who often works out at the same times that I do. I must confess that I sometimes spend more time working out on the nights that he's there at the gym; who knew that guy-watching could turn into an athletic activity?

I've never had the nerve to go up and speak to him. I couldn't say, "You know, you look a lot like the guy from the Carly Rae Jepsen video, so 'Call me Maybe'?" And then it DEFINITELY would not be cool to start singing the lyrics to that song. (Side note: He really does look like that guy from the video. Check out the video if you haven't already, and see for yourself.)

Also, if I tried to flirt with him, it would come out wrong. I'd probably say something like, "I've seen you around. You look really good in your...um, you run really fast."

Of course, I could go with "Hi." But when it comes to guys that I'm attracted to, it's very difficult for me to speak to them without feeling nervous. It was much easier to approach guys I was interested in through e-mails, which is why I joined online dating sites in the first place. Sending a cute guy an e-mail to say hi is one thing; going up to him in person for the first time is something else altogether. (Of course, I'm not one of those people who spends months e-mailing people on sites and claims to be "in love" without actually meeting them in person; I believe that the best way to figure out if you have chemistry with someone is to meet and talk with him in person, sooner rather than later.)

Unfortunately, the cute guy at the gym has never spoken to me. And if there's one thing I've learned about guys as good-looking as that one, it's that if they see women they're attracted to, nine times out of ten they're not shy about approaching them.

I can talk to attractive guys with girlfriends, because once I find out a guy is taken I lose interest. And when I worked in retail, I was able to talk to cute male coworkers and customers. But that was mainly because when I talked to them, I wasn't really thinking, Hmm, he's cute. I wonder if he's single. Instead, I was thinking, I hate this job. I wonder if people can see past my fake smile right now and tell that I want to start throwing guitars and yelling like guys in a heavy metal video. Except instead of yelling about how mad I am at society/my ex/the fact that people in the corporate workplace expect guys to cut their long hair, I'd yell about how I really DON'T want the customers to have a nice day, I want to tell them to...oh, WHATEVER.

I wasn't always so shy. When I was in high school, I had more confidence in myself and in the belief that I could actually have something real with someone I liked. I managed to muster up enough courage to invite six different guys to various dances.

Four of them said no. One of them in particular was a boy that I really liked. When he rejected me, that self-confidence and youthful optimism I once had were replaced with pessimism and the fear of being rejected again. After that it wasn't so hard to talk to guys, because I stopped believing that anything romantic could happen for me.

I withdrew into my work. It was easier for me to concentrate on my work than it was on my dating life (or lack thereof). As a result, I unintentionally put off an "unapproachable vibe", as one of my male friends told me. I didn't venture back out into the dating scene until I was in my twenties.

I still plan to join an online dating site...soon. One thing that's holding me back is the fact that I really need to get my dissertation prospectus approved, which is taking up most of my time. Another thing that's holding me back is that I also have to focus on losing weight, because I went up one dress size (which I know isn't that much, but it still makes me feel self-conscious) since the last time my profile pictures were taken. And there's also the fact that what turned me off of online dating the last time I tried it was the loser who unsuccessfully tried to convince me that three wasn't a crowd.

But eventually, I'll try again. They make cell phone apps for pretty much everything these days. I wish they made an app that gave shy people the courage to talk to attractive strangers. (And yes, I know I sound like the lion from The Wizard of Oz who wished he had courage.) And of course, the app would also allow me to run a quick and discreet background check on the guys beforehand, just in case they turn out to be the kind of guys you'd see in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Because then I wouldn't be tempted to sing "Call Me Maybe"; I'd scream "Stay Away from Me DEFINITELY" before I ran away.

What about you? If you're single, do you ever feel shy about approaching people that you are interested in? How do you deal with it? If you're in a relationship, were you ever comfortable enough to make the first move back when you were single?

27 comments:

  1. I've never made the first move, haha.

    Unless eye contact counts. I have been known to stare at men until they look at me, then I smile and look away all bashful that they caught me staring. I do it unconsciously, most of the time. And often it results in them coming to talk to me. Especially if we're in a bar... alcohol is such a great social lubricant.

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    1. Hi mmarinaa,
      People in Chicago typically avoid eye contact with people they don't know, because they're afraid of making eye contact with the wrong person. For example, I once accidentally made eye contact with some guy on the train; I wasn't even checking him out (especially because he was not at all attractive), and he responded by taking off his pants (the train was almost empty). I responded by changing trains.

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  2. Okay, that guy is really cute and I think most girls would be afraid of approaching him at a gym! LOL. I really don't see a lot of "approaching" from either gender except at the bars.

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    1. Hi Julie,
      I've noticed that guys in Chicago approach women at dance clubs; it happened to me in the past where a guy would suddenly show up and try to put his arms around me all of a sudden. I would always respond by dancing away from him. At bars, I've seen people checking each other out, but only the brave and the bold approach other people; everyone else apparently is waiting/hoping for someone to approach them.

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  3. That guy IS cute. It's easy for me to say (especially since I'm shy), but we just live this one life. Go ahead--talk to him. What's the worst that could happen? No, it won't be that bad!

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      If he was an online dating site, I'd definitely e-mail him to say hi. But the one time I tried to walk up to him in person, I ended up tripping over a machine and falling down. (I get even more clumsy when I'm nervous.) Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice. He seems to put off his own unapproachable vibe, because he doesn't talk to a lot of people at the gym.

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  4. I'm not very shy. I am careful what I say, but I say what I mean. This has gotten me into trouble, lots of trouble...

    I think an app for background checks would be very useful. I bet someone has made it! You'll have to look around.

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    1. Hi Emily,
      I'm always afraid that I'm going to say the wrong thing, which is one reason I don't always say what I think. That's why I like writing, because it gives me the chance to say things that I wouldn't say in real life.

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  5. He might be shy too - he's only human. Luckily for me a lot of my friends when I was at school were boys, so I had no problem talking to them... No, my problem comes from talking to women, I've gotten better for for most of my twenties I really didn't know how to talk to women!

    Just find an excuse to workout next to him. If he's lifting weights, lift some weights too. Men love a girl lifting weights - honestly!!

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    1. BTW that first 'for' should have been 'but' :-)

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    2. Hi Annalisa,
      I usually see him running on the treadmill. I have thought about running on the treadmill next to him, but I have this fear that I'm going to trip, fall flat on my face, and slide off the treadmill. :)

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    3. It would be a conversation starter... 'Hi there, are you okay? Do you know you're bleeding? Shall I call an ambulance?' lol

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  6. I was terrible at being single. Good at being friends, sucky at anything more. It's hard to approach people, just figuring out what to talk about. Definitely an annoying part of life.

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    1. Hi Libby,
      I've gotten used to being single, though I would like to get married and have kids someday. It's also hard for me to make new friends, especially now that I'm in my thirties. It was easier in college, because back then most people were eager to meet new people and make new friends. But now people are usually wrapped up in their own circle of longtime friends, relationships, families, and jobs.

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  7. I use to go the gym and it ws awkward being around guys, and im married! Id say to him if I were u, im looking for some new exercises and you really seem to know what your doing, any tips you can give? Ive even had women say that to me, so its gotta be normal, right? It takes some time to get over shyness...the more you freely talk to people, the easier it gets!

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    1. Hi Tammy,
      Thanks for following my blog, and welcome! And thanks for the advice. I think that one reason I'm shy about approaching him is that people at my gym (and in Chicago) in general typically are wary of talking to strangers. When strangers approach me in public, it's usually because they're trying to get me to sign their petition, give them money, or convert me to their religion. There have been men who hit on me in public, but they were usually much older and creepier.

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  8. Ha! Yeah I waited and waited for this guy to make the first move. I'm usually really shy about these things, but I couldn't wait any longer. I ended up shoving my fears aside and making the first move. We celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary yesterday :)

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    1. Hi Lynda,
      Oh, I love your story! And happy belated anniversary! It's great that you made the first move; he must have wanted to do it but was shy. So that shows that guys can be shy too.

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  9. So, I hit play on the video thinking I'd listen to the song while I read the rest of your post-then he took his shirt off. So I finished the video, then finished reading your post. ;)
    When I met my husband we were both to shy to talk to each other. We were sort of being fixed up and I was totally ready to leave because I figured he just wasn't interested. Thankfully his sister helped him out. She told me he was interested, just too scared to talk to me! (And he was pretty darn cute.) ;) So yes, even cute guys can be big chickens. I say, just go say hello. Honestly, what's the worst that can happen? He's not interested. Big deal. He won't know whether you're embarrassed or not and you can still look at him when you work out, just like you are now. :) Go for it!

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    1. Hi Rachel,
      Regarding the guy in Carly Rae Jepsen's video, I know, right? :) It's great that your husband's sister was an effective matchmaker, and it's also great that you gave him another chance. And thanks for the advice! I agree that it's important to get up the courage to put yourself out there. It took me a long time to even get up the courage to join an online dating site.

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  10. I'ts very hard to approach someone you find attractive and want to get to know better. I usually find something small to give me a reason to talk to them. As lame as that sounds, I have had the best conversations with strangers that started over small talk. If they are interested as well (or bored and don't mind chatting) they will not just give you one word responses. If you start getting the brush off count your losses and move on. Next time you want to talk to someone, ask them for the time. Make sure to take off your watch if you are wearing one (I forgot to do that one time, so embarassing). And from there you can talk about how nice the weather has or hasn't been or how you are in a rush to get somewhere and ask them where they are going, or just compliment their watch or shirt. You have to go along with whatever signals they are giving you. Give it a shot!!

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    1. Hi Lissa,
      Thank you for the advice! I'll keep it in mind. Normally the only people I've talked to at the gym are the trainers, the other gym employees, and people in the aerobics classes I attend. But I'm still trying to muster up the courage to talk to guys like the one I described.

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  11. This was so much fun to read! Um... It's been a long time since I've been single, but I think I was somewhere in the middle, but leaning toward the not very good at going up to strangers to initiate conversation side. :)

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    1. Hi Peggy,
      Thanks! It's always been nerve-wracking for me to go up to strangers, especially because in a city like Chicago I never know what that stranger may be like. The guy at the gym seems relatively normal enough, but I've always been wary of strangers in general because I've been approached by weird (and I mean that in a scary way, not an interesting way) ones in the past.

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  12. Humans are quickly evolving into creatures that take comfort in distance from others. It started with the phone, and then the internet and cell phones. Media is playing a giant role as well in this evolution. What do you hear about every day? Bad, horrible stuff. You rarely hear about the nice person that did something extra helpful. No, its who died and look out for all those crazy people out there.

    It's hard to not be shy and reserved. I lived in Chicago, and everyone there is stone faced. To make eye contact, joke or especially flirt would be creepy and strange and horrify people if done in public. People are beginning to rely on cell phones to be "busy" at every given moment to avoid any type of human encounter, such as a simple harmless smile to a stranger.

    Trust me, I'm not bashing shy people, I'm probably the most shy person you would ever meet. It's this damn technology that is making us humans so distant from one another. The human race will never last if we all live in fear of each other. You can't strive to help something you are scared of.

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  13. So I came across this post while looking for Apps for a shy guys (well gals too). So let me ask you all, do you think if one could make an app which makes it easy for both shy guys and gals to approach each other without fearing rejection, would it work ? I mean this wont be no tinder, it will just help you breaking the ice ?

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