Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I Resolve...

To stop letting my jealousy and insecurity keep me from writing. 

Grad school is very competitive, especially for people working on their Ph.D.s in English. We all know that there are way too many people with graduate degrees and not enough teaching jobs, so we have to put in 110% in order to survive in academia. Sometimes it makes me feel like it's "every academic for himself/herself", only instead of battling it out with swords in a duel we're debating each other with critical theories and academic jargon in a conference room.

Since all the grad students pick different areas of literature, poetry, rhetoric, or creative writing to focus on, we are not all necessarily competing for the same jobs. But before each academic presentation or lecture, the speaker is usually introduced by someone else who lists that speaker's accomplishments. It makes me feel jealous and insecure because I can't help thinking about how short my list would be if I was the one being introduced.

I feel self-conscious whenever people ask me, "So, how far along are you on your dissertation?" after they've just finished making it sound like their dissertation is so good that even people who aren't scholars will want to read it. It also makes me want to invite that person out to lunch and sneeze on his or her fork when he or she isn't looking.

Because of that jealousy and insecurity, it makes me feel even more pressured and nervous when I sit down to work on my dissertation. This past year in particular was difficult for me, and I became so discouraged that I often let my jealousy of others and my insecurity keep me from writing. I shouldn't have done that.

I do not resolve to never feel jealous or insecure again. These feelings are natural, and they're part of what makes me human. Instead, I know that I should use those feelings to motivate me to work hard, so that hopefully one day I'll have something to brag about. And in a way, I can't blame the other academics for wanting to talk about their success. They earned it.

I think it's similar to what fiction writers go through too. It's natural for us to feel jealous of writers who get book deals, movie deals, big-name agents or publishers, etc. But what's key is that we can't let our jealousy keep us from working on our own writing. I think that it's okay to envy someone else's success, as long as we focus more on our own work and success than on others'.

Here's a nice video I found about Natalie Goldberg's views on NaNoWriMo and how it's important to "keep showing up" to write. Her words made me feel better and reminded me that I need to keep showing up too.

 
I resolve to cook and eat healthier foods. If the cast of Jersey Shore can cook, then I should be able to learn how to cook too. Normally I eat in the school cafeteria when I'm on campus, but even though some of the food tastes okay, other times I start thinking that maybe all those jokes about cafeteria food making people vomit are actually based on the truth. I also buy meals that are already prepared at the grocery store, like those roasted chickens or stuff from the salad bar or deli. But that's expensive, and I can't afford to keep doing that.

So I've already looked up a few recipes online and am going to try them. I might end up setting my clothes on fire like the last time I tried cooking, or maybe I'll take a bite and immediately spit it out like the previous three times I tried to cook something. But practice makes perfect, right? Or at least practice will make the food edible. And cooking healthier foods will save me money and calories.

I do not resolve to stop eating junk food altogether. I love chocolate. I also love Coke so much that I actually had a dream about driving off into the sunset in a Coca-Cola delivery truck. But I'm not addicted to soda. I mean, I've only had that dream once...a day. But still.

Every time I eat junk food (and I do try to eat it in moderation), I go to the gym afterwards to make up for it. And the regular exercise is good for me too.

That's why I think that vices and flaws can be good things, because they can motivate us to change our habits or improve our lives as a whole. I do make New Year's resolutions every year, but I try to be realistic about the kinds of resolutions I make, so that I'll be more likely to keep them. For example, I can't make resolutions like, "I resolve that I will never fantasize again about the cast of Riverdance dancing on my students' cell phones so that the students will FINALLY stop texting during class," or "I resolve to stop thinking of insults I'd like to say to people I don't like (though I never actually say them), such as "You do realize that when you make yourself sound more important than everyone else, you sound like every reality show cast member on VH1 and Bravo, right? And do you really want people to think you're like one of the Real Housewives or Bret Michaels?" I don't bother making those kinds of resolutions, because I'd never keep them.

What about you? What are some of your vices or flaws? What kinds of resolutions did you make, if any?

Side note: Sorry that I haven't commented on some of your blogs lately. I'm still having that problem I had before, on posts that require commenters to leave their e-mail addresses in addition to their screennames and the option of leaving a link to their blogs/websites. In the past when I left a comment, the link went to my blog, like it's supposed to. But now it links to my e-mail account, which means that anyone who clicks on it can access my e-mail. So I haven't been leaving comments on those posts that require e-mail addresses; I'm just going to have to figure out how to resolve that in the meantime. But I am reading your blogs, I promise!

17 comments:

  1. Grad School in the social sciences and humanities is ugly. I don't think scientists have the same need to cut one another down. My years as a grad student left me in misery. I didn't realize how bad it was until I made it to the other side. Keep hanging in there.

    I made resolutions this year too. First time in a long time. Mine are not as specific. I've decided to be brave in my professional life, be more patient in my personal life, and be better to myself. For 8 days, I haven't done too badly. I'll how I do for the long haul.

    Driving away in a Coke truck? That's so funny!

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      You know those commercials where people show up at someone's door with a giant check? I have also had that fantasy, except instead of the check (though that would be nice) the people show up with several months' worth of Coke and promise to keep delivering more soda for the rest of my life. That would be sweet, both literally and figuratively.
      Maybe humanities and social sciences grad students become competitive because they feel like they have to "prove" themselves in a way that science grad students aren't pressured to do. I dunno. I'll just be glad when grad school is finally over.

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  2. I to will not stop eating junk food! :)

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    1. Hi Tom,
      Tee hee, I think that chocolate and Coke should be two of the basic food groups. I did try to eliminate junk food from my diet before, but it never worked.

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  3. One of my buddies (who rec'd his PhD in June) didn't get a job interview this year and is super bummed. How crazy is it that you can work so hard for so long and not even get an interview? I was so competitive my first three years, but once I started to move forward in the program, I was too tired to even feel jealousy. I have a friend in the program who is so much more dedicated to this than me—I feel like I'm slacking when I don't reach her level of determination. I'm trying to be better about sitting back and letting the cards unfold, but I'm too impatient most of the time.

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    1. Hi Anna,
      I think it's natural to feel impatient during grad school; I know that I certainly feel impatient. I think it's partly due to the fact that it takes so long to complete a graduate degree, and there's that desire (and need) to just be done with it. That's why I often compare grad school to the nine circles of Hell in Dante's Inferno.
      I've heard that many academics are lucky if they get more than one interview a year. It's such a tough job market out there. I keep hoping it'll get better, especially once I enter the job market. I hope it will work out for you too.

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  4. So I just read this article about the uselessness of education and academia and in the interest of devils and their advocates, maybe you are interested in reading it: http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/11/hipsters_on_food_stamps.html

    It was interesting to consider at least.

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    1. Hi mmarinaa,
      The article was very interesting, though I didn't like the author's comments about minorities. I have heard of some professors being on food stamps, particularly adjunct professors who are extremely underpaid and have to scrounge for enough classes each year.
      I've never been on food stamps, though. That's why I've been working all these part-time jobs, including the retail jobs I didn't like. But now that I'm behind in my dissertation because I spent so much time working (in order to not be in debt), I'm starting to think that even a small student loan would be okay. I'm not going to apply for food stamps, though; I used to work as a grocery store cashier, and I'll never forget the customer who actually apologized to me (though she had no need to apologize) for the fact that she was paying with food stamps. She kept saying that it was only temporary, and that her family was going through a hard time. She's the type of person who needs food stamps more than I do.

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    2. I didn't like many of the things the author had to say, haha. But I found it interesting how disparaging he (or she? I don't know) was about higher education as a whole.

      When I lived in Brooklyn, I used to watch people at my grocery store buy the strangest things with their food stamps. One person I remember in particular bought these expensive steaks and some weird vegetables I'd never even seen before and this nice on-brand dressing. He wasn't a hipster, he was an old man. And he will be included in one of my novels at some point, haha. And I did definitely see a lot of hipsters who had the food stamps too. The whole idea of food stamps has always been curious to me. Perhaps one day I will write a book based on the receipts of food stamp users.

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  5. You have to have junk food occasionally. It's all about balance, right? We all have those jealousies, but it's more important that we focus on letting it drive us creatively instead of destructively. Great post!

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    1. Hi Hannah,
      Thanks! I like junk food, especially the pastries they sell in cafes. Maybe if I stayed home to write more often I'd feel less tempted to eat junk food, but I doubt it, especially because I have a stash of M&Ms in my apartment. :)

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  6. Every year I resolve to eat better. Nutrition is a tough thing because a lot of the foods that are accessible are bad for us. And let's face it, butter and sugar are irreplaceable. Still, exercise alone isn't enough. You have to eat right. Here's hoping we both do it this year!

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    1. Hi Emily,
      Many of my favorite foods aren't good for me, which is why I really wish that the cupcakes they sell in the new shops that keep opening up in Chicago weren't so delicious. But like you said, butter and sugar are irreplaceable. I've never been able to stick to those diets that make people eliminate certain foods altogether, because that would just make me crave those foods even more.

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  7. I agree that those feelings are natural and it's great that you'll use those feelings to keep going. I think it's really common in all writers. It must be part of the creative mind.

    And the occasional indulgence isn't all bad ;)

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    1. Hi Lynda,
      I like to reward myself with the occasional indulgence. For example, I had a not-so-healthy-but-really-really-good lunch today, as a reward for all the studying that I've done this week. Of course, I went to the gym and worked out for an hour and a half tonight.

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  8. Good resolutions! When I was writing my Masters thesis I kept putting it off and off until finally I had 2 weeks to finish it and kept myself tucked away far from any social distractions. I think the reason I kept putting it off had nothing to do with me not wanting to write it, but more about what it meant when I was finished - I would be moving out, leaving friends, and going into a big open question mark in my life. And sometimes we have to push these thoughts aside and just do the thing we need to do, and not be afraid of the success, as is mentioned in the video.

    My resolutions this year are to actually keep up with a gym routine, eat better as well, and read at least 15 books. I tried to stay really realistic this year and do things that I'm really going to drive myself to do.

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    1. Hi Lissa,
      It becomes easier to go to the gym when it becomes a habit. When I first started to go, I rarely wanted to go; however, once I incorporated it into my daily routine, it became easier. I've been reading a lot more too, but it's mainly been books for my research. I need to take a break and read some fun books too.

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