Monday, February 20, 2012

Sad, Scared, and Screwed

I had a meeting with one of the professors on my dissertation committee. We met to discuss a draft of my dissertation prospectus, which is basically an outline/description of my dissertation. This person is my favorite professor and is the kind of teacher that I want to be someday. He's intelligent, kind, and encouraging, and he genuinely cares for all of his students. He's the only person who's always believed in me and my work.

When we sat down together to discuss my draft, the first thing he said was, "I don't like this." "This" meaning the draft that I had written. He then gave me a very detailed explanation of what was wrong with my draft. He also said that he had spoken to another member of my committee about the problems in my work. He said that I will most likely have to spend an extra year working on my dissertation.

Needless to say, I was (and still am) crushed. Several of my professors have told me that my work is not good enough. It is true that I am not a budding scholar like many of my fellow grad school classmates are. When we go to lectures that are given by visiting scholars, many of my classmates take notes and ask intelligent questions that demonstrate their understanding of the material as well as their own ideas for how the material could be expanded. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there, thinking, Duhhhhhhh.... I always feel like Homer Simpson in a room full of rocket scientists. Then, as soon as the lecture ends, I always sprint out of there because I am just so damn happy to be FREEEEEEE...at least until the next lecture.

Even though I have not excelled in graduate school, I kept at it because for so many years I thought this was what I wanted. When I was a freshman in college, many of my classmates had specific plans about what they wanted to be. They'd say stuff like, "I'm going to go to medical school and become a doctor." Or they'd say, "I'm going to get my MBA and be like Donald Trump, except I'll have a better haircut." Several of them, however, shrugged their shoulders and said, "I dunno...I guess I'll figure it out later." Three or four years later, several of them were still saying that, only by then they felt a lot more panicked because they hadn't figured it out earlier.

I, on the other hand, always wanted to be a professor. Once I finally started teaching, I liked it a lot, even though it had its frustrations and made my hair start turning white when I was still in my twenties. Teaching is the one job I've had that I've actually been good at, and I've learned a lot from the work and my students. I knew that I couldn't get a tenure-track job with just an M.A. So after working as an adjunct for a few years, I went into the Ph.D. program. And I've been struggling to stay afloat ever since.

One major problem is that unlike most of my classmates, a lot of my time is occupied by part-time jobs that help pay all the bills and expenses that my tiny stipend does not cover. I chose not to apply for student loans. A lot of my classmates did get loans, but my personal opinion is that if you're pursuing a graduate degree in the liberal arts, it's going to take a lot longer and be a lot harder to pay it off then if you were pursuing a degree in a more lucrative field. Frankly, I just didn't want to have a six-figure debt waiting for me when I graduated.

I also do not have a spouse or other family members to rely on for financial assistance; I only have myself. That's why I have to work, and as a result I have had to sacrifice too much time that should have been spent on my studies. And many of you have read about the experiences that I've had at these awful, low-paying part-time jobs, some of them where I burst into tears in front of coworkers and customers, others where customers treated me like their own emotional punching bags, and one where I was so stressed out that I developed a rash all over my arms.

But I kept working, all these years, because I thought I could still succeed at this. One thing that a workaholic hates is wasted time. Another thing that a workaholic hates even more is failure. And I feel like I have failed by not producing work that satisfies my professors, because deep down I know that they're right when they say that it isn't good enough. I feel like I have failed by needing an extra year to complete my degree. I feel like all these years I've spent toiling away have been a waste, because I might not achieve my goal after all. Maybe I should have dropped out of graduate school years ago, but it's too late to drop out now. And I think I would feel even worse if I did.

So I feel sad because I messed up in graduate school, scared because I don't know what to do, and screwed because I don't know how I'm going to support myself during that extra year when I won't have any funding from my graduate program.

Have you ever been in a situation where you failed at your job? How did you handle it?


22 comments:

  1. Oh honey, I feel so bad for you. You're in a rough spot, but don't be so hard on yourself. You've done a wonderful job of being independent. You work hard and push yourself. Something was bound to slip. As a fellow perfectionist and fiercely independent person (I can do it myself and it better be done right!) may I suggest that you consider getting some help? I don't necessarily mean financially, I mean in whatever capacity you need it. You can't do everything on your own, though it sounds like you do a damn good job of it. If there is anyone you can lean on for ANY of things you're struggling with, lean on them.
    And don't forget, your followers are here listening and cheering you on. : )

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    1. Hi Emily,
      I think that the fact that I'm a workaholic is one reason I became a perfectionist, or maybe it was vice versa. Being a perfectionist is hard because whenever I don't do something that's completely perfect, I feel a major disappointment. I wish there was someone I could lean on for this, but I think I'm on my own as far as this is concerned. I have thought about applying for some kind of dissertation fellowship for that extra year, though, so that maybe I can still get some funding.
      Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. That definitely helps. :)

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  2. Hold on, be strong. You are better than that and the fact that you agree with your professors means you were aware of the fact about the strong of your dissertation. I cannot tell you what you need to do because you are the one who knows best how to go about it; but allow me to suggest this, allow yourself to explore and maybe your interests will manifest themselves in the form of a dissertation topic in an area of interest to you and not what is suggested to you by your professors.
    God bless you

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    1. Hi Aba,
      Thank you for your very nice response. I have a dissertation topic that I'm interested in; the hardest part is developing an argument that hasn't been said before. Every time I show a draft to different members of my committee, they say that I still need to come up with a stronger thesis; they're right. It's difficult to come up with my own contribution to the field, especially because I'll be presenting my ideas to search committees in the future, when I start applying for jobs.

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  3. As a fellow grad student, I totally understand how you feel. I too feel like a misfit in every class, where everyone seems to have something intelligent to say and I just wallow in my seat and stare at the clock every few minutes. But I have been following your blog for some time now, and judging from your writing, you are a much more perceptive, sensitive and insightful person than you give yourself credit for. Even if you have to spend an extra year to complete your dissertation, it is not a failure on your part. Maybe an extra year is a blessing in disguise - more time to gather insight and compose a much better dissertation!

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    1. Hi lanaalsabbag,
      Thank you for what you wrote; it means a lot. I was an A student up through my senior year in college, and even when I was in the M.A. program I did pretty well for the most part. But things went downhill once I got into the Ph.D. program; my G.P.A. isn't bad, but like you, I have found myself staring at the clock a lot. I just push myself so hard that it's difficult to accept it when I haven't done what I set out to do.

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  4. I had a similar experience when preparing my dissertation prospectus. My committee was not being supportive (in the course of the time I was there, all but one of my committee members moved on to other schools) and I had panic attacks all the time. I got my master's and left. I have a lot of angsty feelings about it, but I've never been happier since I left. You can still teach without a doctorate - a college prep hs with highly motivated students or a community college. An excellent paying, incredibly flexible part-time job is teaching test prep. I teach test prep and LOVE it.

    I hated grad school. It made me feel like less of a person. I try to talk all young people out of going. My husband has his phd and it doesn't get any better on the job market. Academic jobs in the social sciences and humanities are incredibly competitive. He's been on one year contracts for the last three years. The only reason he finally got a tenure track offer is because someone we know quite well was on the hiring committee.

    I don't want this to come off as super negative. But I think you should consider your life without the bs of grad school. You're highly educated - you can do what you want without all the emotional crap. Or, if finishing is your destiny, I would recommend actually taking out a small loan to help you out. It's amazing how an extra $1500 a semester can help. You don't have totake the full amount offered to you and it can make your quality of life so much better.

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    1. Hi NGS,
      I have considered applying for a job at a good high school, especially because I have taught high school students before. I liked working with them; the dynamic is very different at the high school level, though I do like working with college students too. The only thing about HS teachers is that their courseload is a lot heavier than college teachers. I wish I could teach test prep, but my GRE scores were less than stellar, so I doubt they'd hire me.
      I think I am going to have to finish my degree, but I have thought about applying for a small loan or perhaps a dissertation fellowship/grant. At least the loan wouldn't be as big as it would have been if I had applied for one for all my years in grad school.

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  5. Yeah, I can totally relate to you in terms of working and studying full-time. I have two-part time jobs on top of a 120% work load--while maintaining a decent GPA. So I admire your ability to simultaneously support yourself and go to school, and get good grades. You'll come out of this as a much more independent and stronger person than classmates who don't have to work and study full-time.

    You're going to be okay--just keep at it! You're quite close to reaching your goal, and an extra year is negligible compared to your dream of becoming a professor.

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    1. Hi William,
      Several of my classmates don't understand why I insist on working instead of applying for loans; I do envy them because they have so much more time to study. I don't envy the big debt that they're going to have once they finish school, though.

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  6. All I can say as an editor is that, judging from the voice on your blog that I've followed for some time now, if you wrote a novel you'd probably get published way faster than those people who are writing the best dissertations in the history of PHD-world.

    I like the commenter who suggested you take just a small loan to help you out, esp if you will need that extra year. But you are so smart not to put yourself in debt big time with student loans, especially in your field.

    Wishing you all the best in realizing your goal. You are almost there!

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    1. Hi KarenG,
      Thank you for the compliment about my writing; that means a lot, because even if my dissertation never gets published (and a lot of dissertations don't), I definitely want to publish at least one of my novels someday. Sometimes it can get tiring to work on the dissertation, especially because I know that only a few people are ever going to read it if it doesn't get published. I think it's supposed to be part of the foundation of my research, but still...
      I'm going to try doing more research on scholarships and fellowships for Ph.D. candidates. If I could just get even a small one, it would help a lot.

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  7. First of all, big hugs. HUGS!

    Secondly, yes. I am like you: an obsessive workaholic by nature and I hate to fail. I had this one job where no matter how hard I worked (and it was HOURS), I just couldn't do it. I don't think it was my actual ability, though - there were a lot of external circumstances.

    It sounds like that's the same with you. It's not your ability - if you had the extra hours to put in, I'm sure your professor would be giving you glowing reviews.

    Getting through your grad work sounds like it will take you to what you DO love and feel you're good at (and it certainly sounds like you are): teaching.

    Hang in there!

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    1. Hi Talli,
      Thank you! It really does help to read encouraging words from nice people like you, especially because I've had to deal with a lot of tough criticism at grad school.
      Like you said, I do feel that if I had more time to study, I would not be struggling as much. It's kind of ironic that I'm working all of these jobs to support myself while I'm in graduate school, yet these jobs are largely why I'm having a hard time in school. That's why I'm going to start doing research on other ways to get funding without going into too much debt, because I can't keep working two or three jobs at the same time while I'm in grad school.

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  8. Wow, that is a LOT of pressure you're under. I also had a job I just couldn't seem to do right. It was a difficult two years in my life where I was constantly stressed. However, it led me to one of the best jobs I've ever had. So it turned out that that horrible job ended up being the best thing for me.
    Hugs,
    Lyn

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    1. Hi Lyn,
      It helps to know that I'm not the only one who goes through these things. I'm just disappointed because I was hoping that I'd be able to finish graduate school (finally) by next year; now it turns out that it may not be until the year after next. So it's been difficult. I'm glad that your experience led you to a good job; I hope that mine will too.

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  9. This happened to me!!!! I had at least 6 drafts of my prospectus, and at my second to last meeting about it, one of my advisors said something to the effect of, "if this doesn't improve, we're screwed." No lie. It's their job to push and push and push you until you break. Then they rebuild you into a tiny robot professor. Now that I have candidacy, the pressure has eased SO MUCH, I cannot tell you. And yes, I was having panic attacks through the month of December. My advisor gave me edits on my prospectus 3 DAYS before I left for MLA.

    In my last meeting, he told me to go write a bunch and come back to him in a month. No "Why haven't you finished you chapter yet?" or "Why are your ideas so facile?" Just, "go write." And I have 14K words written on the rough draft of my first chapter.

    It does get easier, I promise. You just have to push through the misery for a little bit longer. Then it's smooth sailing until the job market :)

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  10. Hi Anna,
    I have met other grad students who did break because they couldn't handle the pressure; they ended up dropping out. Most of the grad students in my program, though, have stuck with it; the thing is, though, is that most of us have had to spend more years than we thought we would completing all of our work.
    I am technically a candidate since I passed my prelims, but since I should have finished my prospectus last year, I'm under a lot of pressure now.
    I'm sorry you had panic attacks. That just goes to show how much is expected of grad students; sometimes it's just overwhelming. But thank you for the encouragement. It helps to know I'm not the only one going through this.

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    1. I wish we had gotten candidacy after our exams—that would have been amazing. In our program, there has only been one person since I joined that finished in the amount of time we're "supposed" to take. Most take 7 or 8 years to finish. The university kicks us out after 16 semesters unless we file extensions—and there was one guy we nicknamed "Decade Dave" because he took 10 years to finish. It's a long process, but you can do it!

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    2. Hi Anna,
      I wish it didn't take us longer than medical doctors to finish our degrees, especially since we don't even earn as much money as they do. Like you said, the lengthy process is just part of the nature of grad school. Of course, when I was still an undergrad, I heard all the stories about grad students taking a long time to finish their degrees, but I was naive enough to think that I could beat the odds.

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  11. I'm so sorry and I'm sending you a big hug. I envied the people who didn't have to work and could devote 100% to graduate school. I worked part-time too and it made it all the much harder.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      Thank you for your kind words; I definitely need to hear (read) them right now. I also envy the people who don't have to work, because they're usually the ones who have time to publish articles in academic journals (which is a big deal to English professors, even though the only people who read those articles are other English professors) and present their research at conferences. But I just wish that I could earn enough money to support myself AND have time to study.

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