Tuesday, January 24, 2012

What I Wish I Could Say to the People at My Gym

Those sinks in the bathroom aren't decorations. They're for washing your hands.

When you grunt really loudly like that, is it because you're in pain from lifting those heavy weights, or is it because you want everyone to know that you're lifting those heavy weights?

Stop hogging that machine. Just because it has a good view of the girls on the exercise balls, that doesn't give you the right to monopolize the machine when other people like me are waiting to use it. Besides, none of those girls have even looked at you, and I need to work on my glutes.

Leaving your towel draped over the machine doesn't mean you own it, especially because you're using the machine right next to it. If you keep hogging both machines like that, I'm going to grab your towel, swing it around my head like a lasso, and bellow, "There's only room for ONE of us in this gym..."

Do you wonder why there's nobody on the machines on either side of you, even though the gym is really crowded today? It's because it's time for you to take a shower.

The janitors work really hard. Don't make their jobs harder by leaving your towels all over the floor of the locker room. Seeing as how you kept bending over to stretch in front of the guys lifting weights, that means you're perfectly capable of bending over to pick up your own towels. And also? The same goes for leaving your underwear all over the place. I really don't need to know what kind of thong you wear.

Yes, the aerobics classes really are crowded, and you have to show up early if you want to get a good spot. However, that doesn't give you the right to refuse to wait for the previous class to leave, push people out of the way, make rude comments about the people who dare to get in the room before you, and rush to the front of the room just so you can show off how good of a dancer you are and flirt with the male instructor. Besides, didn't you see him flirting with that guy right before class started? 

Just because I left the room for a few seconds to go to the water fountain, that doesn't mean you can steal my spot in the dance class. So why don't you go shake your booty back to where you were before?

You know how it's really annoying when people insist on squeezing onto the train even though it's clear that it's already too crowded? It's also really annoying when people insist on crowding into the dance class, even though we might as well dance cheek to cheek at this point, just so there will be more room.

I don't really care if you want to gab to everyone on your list of contacts, even though the gym has a strict rule about not using cell phones in the locker room. But do you think you could put your clothes on before you talk on the phone for half an hour? Or at least put a towel on the bench before you sit down?

If you want to spend twenty minutes applying five layers of makeup, whatever. But could you not scatter your stuff all over the counter so that there's no room for me to blow dry my hair? I really don't want to have to blow dry your face just to get you to move. But I will if I have to.

That sleeveless shirt really shows off your muscular arms. You look very strong and manly. You know what else would look good on you? Shorts. I mean, why cover up your muscular legs with those baggy workout pants?

You know what this gym needs? A juice bar. Preferably one that employs muscular guys in sleeveless shirts and shorts.

Thank you for being a gentleman and opening the door for me. That made my day. That almost made up for all the other times the other cute guys at the gym took one look at me and then immediately looked around for one of the girls on the exercise balls.

Do you belong to a gym? What do you wish you could say to the people who work out there?


  1. Ooof, I hate it when people don't follow rules (no cells in the locker room, wipe down equipment, only XX minutes, etc). And you dont want to be That Guy who is pointing out the rules. You just want people to follow them damnit!

  2. I guess this is why I don't belong to a gym. I bought my own treadmill instead. The idea of having to go somewhere to work out does not appeal to me. Lakefront running or home.

  3. I hate it when you're on a treadmill and the person next to you keeps looking at your screen. I always want to yell, "NO I AM NOT AS RUNNING AS FAST AS YOU, NOR AM I ON AS HIGH A LEVEL AS YOU. FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF NOW!?" However, the grunting and groaning from the men with the weights is equally--if not more--annoying. Especially when they look in the mirror the entire time.

  4. Hi Gia,
    I've met That Guy before, actually; he wasn't an employee at the gym, just some random member who got mad at me because I walked over a bump in the carpet without telling the employees about it. He said that someone could get hurt, and he actually told on me for not telling anyone! Sheesh.

    Hi Liesl,
    I wish I could work out at home, but I live in a tiny studio so there's no room. I've tried taking walks by the lake, but there are a lot of territorial bike riders there who will yell at anyone in who gets in their way.

    Hi Teddi,
    Haha, they're probably checking out themselves in the mirror to see if their muscles have gotten any bigger. And I'm never running as fast as anyone else on the treadmill, because I don't like running. I'd rather just walk on the treadmill, but then I feel self-conscious because I'm usually the only one walking.

  5. I agree. I would rather walk ANY DAY then run. There's a lot of judgment at the gym which is why I never go. I feel horribly awkward the entire time and find I am much happier just walking around my block alone (in the dark, when no one can see me.) :-P

    By the way, your post inspired me to write about my own literary alter ego!

  6. Sleeveless shirts really piss me off.

  7. Hi Tom,
    I think that my feelings towards low-cut shirts for women are very similar to your feelings towards sleeveless shirts for men.

  8. Hi Teddi,
    Sometimes I do feel like other people at the gym are judging me, especially if I happen to be working out on a Friday night. But the fact that I'm paying for my membership motivates me to go. The cute guys in sleeveless shirts are also a bonus. :)

  9. Probably all reasons why I workout at home or outside! : ) I took up running for that very reason: I can do it alone, outside. (I live in a place that is weather conducive 99% of the time, so long as it isn't too hot...)

    Love the pic, and nice to meet you!


  10. Hi E.J.
    I've never been very good at running, because I always end up tripping over something and falling down. And then I often end up tripping someone else, and then they fall down, so...

  11. Hi Lynda,
    People like the ones I described in this post are why I typically go to the gym during the "off hours", so that I'm less likely to get annoyed while I'm working out.

  12. I hear so many stories of annoying people at the gym. I only go to my husband's gym to take a yoga class. I wear my yoga clothes in and out, so I don't deal with it.

    I love the picture of you waving the towel!

  13. Hi Theresa,
    I haven't tried yoga yet, but that's mainly because I'm not very flexible and am afraid that I will fall over and accidentally knock over someone else in the class. Unless it's one of the annoying people at my gym, in which case I would accidentally-on-purpose knock them over.
    I thought about doing that swatting thing that guys do with the towels; I also thought, though, that if a girl did it the guys might think I'm flirting with them, when really I just want to make them stop hogging the machines.

  14. This is precisely why i avoid gyms. I do mini home workouts instead.

  15. Hi Alice X,
    I used to exercise to workout videos in my apartment, but I can't really do that anymore now that I live in a studio. And I used to procrastinate about exercising, so now when I actually make myself go to the gym, I have no choice but to work out.