No Money, Mo Problems

Last week I visited Small Town, Tennessee to find an apartment and meet my new bosses. Based on what I've observed of Small Town so far, the people there really like fried food, country music, and Jesus. Their favorite word is "ma'am," as in "Yes, ma'am," "No, ma'am," and "Would you like that fried, ma'am?"

Based on the people I talked to, Southerners are polite and friendly, and not only take five minutes to answer every single question but also think it's necessary to tell you their entire life story, even if all you said was, "Is there a Starbucks nearby?"

In Chicago, there's a Starbucks on practically every corner. But the people in Small Town apparently don't like coffee as much as fried food, which makes me wonder where they get all their energy. Maybe it's from listening to all that country music.

I was able to rent an apartment that's more than twice the size of my studio in Chicago for more than a hundred dollars less. But nevertheless, I am going to be thousands of dollars in debt due to this move to Tennessee. And this was AFTER I finally paid off all my credit card debt. (Not to mention I already owe thousands of dollars in student loans.)

I have to pay for movers to transport my furniture, and all the moving companies I called apparently have this motto: We overcharge because WE CAN. I could have had the Salvation Army pick up my unwanted furniture, like my fifteen-year-old lumpy mattress and box spring, for free if I had called them a month in advance. But since I only found out I got this job two weeks ago, I now have to spend hundreds of dollars on 1-800-Got-Junk to recycle/get rid of my furniture.

I am required to attend orientation for new employees. The Human Resources department told me they didn't have specific dates set up yet when I called them a week and a half ago. Of course, after I signed my lease, I learned that the orientation would be held three days before my move-in date. So now I have to spend hundreds of dollars on a rental car and a hotel room (I can't change my move-in date), since my parents aren't coming to Tennessee until a few days later. If I don't attend orientation, I won't be able to access any of my benefits (like health insurance) until October.

My parents are loaning me money for the down payment on a car (which is why they're coming to Tennessee for a few days to "help" me move. They're more likely to "help" me have a panic attack, seeing as how when I visited them during Christmas break, I ground my teeth so hard that one of them broke). I will repay them, and I will also be responsible for monthly car payments, car insurance, and gas.

I've also had to spend money on boxes, masking tape, and bubble wrap, and I have to set aside money to tip the movers. (Question: Do I tip the movers when they come to my apartment in Chicago, or after they deliver it in Tennessee? Or do I tip them both times?)

Since I'm getting rid of my old mattress and my broken desk, I have to buy new ones, which will also cost hundreds of dollars. I might not be able to buy those right away, which means I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while and using my desk in my office at school (and I use the word "office" loosely, since it's currently being used as a storeroom and I was informed that they would "probably get around" to cleaning it out by the time school starts).

Since I am a visiting, untenured faculty member, I get absolutely no financial assistance for my moving expenses from my new school. They also think that moving to a new state is "easy-peasy," which is why they want my syllabi for the classes I'll be teaching ASAP.

I know that I should be grateful that I have a job. I am, especially since it was so hard to find one. But I can't help resenting the fact that I've already had to spend a large percentage of my annual salary for this move, and I haven't even gotten paid yet. I thought I could finally quit my website job, but I'll have to work extra hours instead, and excuse me while I go bang my head against the wall.

What about you? Have you ever had financial problems or difficulties with the moving process? How did you deal with them?

A Difficult Dilemma

I finally found a job, though it's not at the local school that I was hoping for. I'm going to teach full-time at a school in Small Town, Tennessee. Based on the online research I've done so far, the town is a lot like my Midwestern hometown, which I spent eighteen years wanting to escape from.

I wanted to stay in Chicago for at least one more year and teach at one of the local colleges. I also planned to spend more time on my academic research and try to get at least one article published and make one presentation at an academic conference.

But recently a school down South called and offered me a job that I had applied for a while ago. I applied to teach at schools all over the country and was rejected by most of them. Apparently, hundreds of positive evaluations from my students and several years of teaching experience do not matter nearly as much as published articles that might as well be titled "How to Make Yourself Sound Like a Pompous Know-It-All in 500 Words Or Less." But I digress.

I had to make a decision about the job right away, because the fall term is starting next month. I wanted to hold out for the local school, but they couldn't give me an answer yet. So what was I supposed to do: accept a job in an unfamiliar town halfway across the country or hold out for a job that I wanted but might not even get?

My professors were unanimous in their advice. "Go to Tennessee," they said. "It's time for you to move on. Teaching there for a year or two will show other schools that you have experience teaching at urban schools and rural ones and that you're willing to move. This will make it easier for you to get another job."

My parents, of course, were thrilled. They've been pressuring me to leave Chicago for years. They know that I love it here, but that doesn't matter because it's not the place that they want me to live in. Small Town, Tennessee is within driving distance of their home (though not in the same state), which means that they can see me more often. One phone call from them is enough to stress me out for the rest of the day, so I'm not happy at the prospect of moving closer to them.

They've also informed me that they will come with me to Small Town to "help" me move, which means dictating what kind of car I should get, what kind of furniture I should buy (even though I'm paying for this), which stores I should go to, etc., etc. I told them that I can handle it myself, but they're coming anyway. But I will NOT let them control all (or ANY) of the decisions I make.

I took a walk down Michigan Avenue recently. There was a guy marching up and down the sidewalk carrying a sign that said, "REPENT SINNERS" and yelling that everyone was going to hell. I nearly bumped into someone playing a ukulele and singing "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga. Another guy looked at my chest and said, "Hi, boobies."

Sirens blared, horns honked, and people called out to each other across the street in several different languages. I looked at everything and thought, This is home. This is the one place in the world that I've always loved. This is where I want to be. 

But I don't have a choice. I owe thousands of dollars in student loans. I only have enough money to pay my rent through August. I knew that I would have to leave Chicago eventually, because with a Ph.D. in English, I have to go where the work is. I just didn't think I would have to leave so soon.

What about you? Have you ever made a difficult choice regarding your employment? Have you ever made a cross-country move?

Side note: I might not be able to respond to everyone's comments until later this week, due to issues with moving, but I promise I'll respond!

Fake Reviews

When I first started teaching, I found out that there were a few "rate your professor" websites, and I was on them. I found a few good reviews that were written about me, where students praised me for my patience with them; some of the positive reviews indicated that the students planned to take another class with me.

I noticed one weird trend. On one of the websites, students could also rate their professors' looks with a chili pepper, to indicate that they thought their professors were "hot." I, alas, did not get any chili peppers. Maybe if I bothered to wear makeup or brush my hair most mornings (I usually go for the mad scientist look), I would have gotten at least one chili pepper.

There were, however, several bad reviews that were written about me. That's to be expected, because there are many bad reviews about a lot of professors on those sites. Undergrads who are disgruntled about not getting the grades they wanted can write the nastiest stuff they can come up with (and many of them do) and post it online for everyone to see.

The problem was that some of the stuff that was written about me wasn't true. One student falsely claimed that I was never available for office hours. Other students lied that I graded their papers unfairly and played favorites with certain students.

At the end of each term, the students fill out course evaluations about the classes I teach and about my teaching, which are read by my bosses. I keep their comments in mind and make changes to my syllabus or teaching style. Almost all my reviews from the past several years have been positive.

The online reviews, however, are another story. In both cases, the evaluations are anonymous, but I guess students feel freer to be more candid online. It bothers me that students can post incredibly hostile insults about me that aren't even true, and I can't do anything about it.

The moderators of the sites are undergraduates (or former undergrads) who claim that they're "helping" students decide which professors to avoid and which ones they should take classes with. I think they're helping students who are upset over their grades (or anything else) slander their professors. I also think those moderators know NOTHING about teaching, and they wouldn't survive a week on the other side of the desk.

Several of the schools that I applied to for teaching jobs requested copies of my course evaluations, which I sent. But I heard that some search committees also look at those websites, which worried me.

For a moment, I was tempted to post a few more positive reviews about myself. The thing about those sites is that I can pretend to be a student and post whatever I want. I could have written stuff like, "She's the best teacher EVER! People walk into her classrooms saying, "Please, teach me."

But I didn't. Once, a cashier forgot to charge me for an item that I bought. I brought the item back and paid for it, surprising the cashier. If I can't even lie about a two dollar purchase, there's no way I can lie about my work. I hope that the positive evaluations I sent speak for themselves, and that I won't end up having some kind of breakdown where I reenact the end of every Lifetime movie and start shrieking, "If I can't have this job, NO ONE CAN!" while the members of the search committee run in terror.

I have heard, though, of authors who posted fake positive reviews of their work on Amazon and other websites in attempts to get people to buy their books. I can't help wondering what makes them think that's okay, and if anyone has ever been fooled by those reviews.

What about you? What do you think of those rate your professor websites? Have you ever heard of authors who posted fake reviews?

Back into the Writing Groove

When I was finishing my dissertation, I gave up writing almost everything else, including the novels and short stories I was working on. I didn't blog as often as before. Even when I went to coffeehouses, I didn't write in my journal like I used to; I immersed myself in cups of coffee and heavy library books.

Now that I'm finally done with my dissertation (insert joyful music from gospel choir here), it's hard to get back into the writing groove, which is one of the reasons I haven't been blogging as much. I go to coffeehouses to write, and instead find myself checking Twitter several times an hour, where I see Tweets like #CancelYourEngagementZayn, which was trending on Twitter yesterday (apparently some One Direction fans are irate that one of the members is engaged and think that acting like obsessive stalkers will make him break off his engagement and marry one of them, which would only happen on the bizarro planet that they live on). Other times I see Tweets from people ranting about whatever it is they're "offended" by at the moment (Tweets like that make me want to leave Twitter altogether).

Instead of writing, I often find myself making paper airplanes that I try very hard not to throw at the guys who blast videos from their cell phones. Or I roll my eyes at the hipsters with their ginormous headphones.

At home, I sit down at my laptop to write, and instead I check my e-mail to find yet another rejection letter from yet another school. It's been disheartening to be rejected by so many schools, though I know that for every one full-time, untenured faculty position available, there are at least a hundred (or two hundred) applicants vying for it. I feel discouraged, because I spent too many years in grad school. I lost almost everything else that mattered (my twenties, most of my friends, potential boyfriends), and now I feel like it was all for nothing.

There is one school here in Illinois that said they MIGHT hire me, but only if the budget allows it; they can't let me know anything for sure until the end of the month. In the meantime, instead of writing, I've been applying for part-time faculty jobs (the low pay worries me, because then I won't be able to pay my rent AND my minimum student loan payment each month). I've also been considering jobs in retail again (insert primal screaming here) if I can't find any adjunct jobs.

When my professors turned to me after I successfully defended my dissertation and said, "Congratulations, Doctor!" I didn't even feel relieved as I thought I would. I felt worried because I didn't have a job lined up yet.

So needless to say, I've been preoccupied. If I knew what was going to happen this fall, I could relax. But since I don't yet, I can't stop worrying.

At the same time, I still want to write. But it's been so long since I've worked on my fiction and creative nonfiction that it's hard to get back to writing it.

What about you? Have you ever taken a long break from writing? What kinds of things did you do to get back into the writing groove?

Ten Questions for a Dating Coach

Recently I was waiting for my coffee at Starbucks and I looked up at the bulletin board, where there was a flyer for a dating coach. On the one hand, I rolled my eyes at the idea of a dating coach. I think that when I go on a date, I should go as myself, not as someone who's "coached" into being the type of person who guys want to go out with.

On the other hand, I thought of all the articles I'd read in women's magazines with titles like, "How to Get a Second Date," or "How to Make Him Want You," or "If He's Not Texting Back, That Means He Likes You." (Okay, I made up that last one, but there ARE articles out there like that.)

People go to coaches or teachers to learn a lot of things. For example, people hire personal trainers to help them lose weight or strengthen their muscles. Athletes hire coaches to help them develop their skills and win competitions or games. My students come to me for help with writing or over-analyzing authors. So why not go to a dating coach, who could tell people what they're doing wrong (or right) when it comes to dating? At the very least it might help to have some support.

I Googled the name of that dating coach. This person's services cost almost a hundred dollars for a one-hour session! Obviously, I can't afford a dating coach, though I probably could if I gave up my coffee habit. (But then I'd end up flipping off a LOT more people than I already do, so I should probably not give up coffee any time soon.)

I did, however, think of some questions that I would ask a dating coach, if I could afford one.

1. How do I get a second date?

2. If he says, "I'll call you," does that mean, "I'm going to delete your number from my phone IMMEDIATELY" every time?

3. When guys don't put pictures in their online dating profiles (and there are a LOT of them), does that mean that a) they're self-conscious about their looks; b) they don't want their girlfriends/wives to know they're online; c) they're in the Witness Protection Program?

4. Would the phrase "I work for the IRS, and I'm going to audit you if you turn out to be a jerk" be a good headline for my online dating profile?

5. When guys write stuff like, "I don't want to date any heavy girls," or "If you weigh more than 135 pounds, don't e-mail me until you lose weight," (I'm not making those up, but I wish I was), is it okay to e-mail them pictures of Victoria's Secret models with the message, "These are the women you will spend years pining for but who will never settle for you"?

6. Why do I only attract the guys who criticize me for not dressing up enough for dates, wait several weeks after our first date to call me, or try to touch me so many times that I have no choice but to "accidentally" trip them?

7. Since everyone is emotionally and physically attached to their cell phones these days, why do some guys take hours to text back?

8. Would the phrase "My biological clock is ticking louder and louder" be a good headline for my online dating profile?

9. What are some good places to meet guys my age who don't reject all the women in their thirties for women in their twenties (or teens)?

10. At what point do you give up on a client and buy him or her a lifetime supply of ice cream?

Maybe the problem isn't just the guys I've gone out with. Maybe it's me. After all, the one common denominator in all those relationships is me. Maybe a dating coach could give me some valuable insight. But right now, of course, hiring a dating coach is not an option for me. I haven't even thought about dating anyone in months, since I've been focused on my dissertation and the job search. I have resolved, though, that once I've secured a good, full-time teaching job, I'll put myself out there again.

What about you? If you could ask a dating coach a question, what would it be? What do you think of people like dating coaches and matchmakers?

I Did It! Now What?

I haven't blogged lately because I've been preoccupied with my dissertation defense. I'm happy to say that I successfully defended my dissertation! I will now get my Ph.D., and I am FINALLY done with graduate school! When my committee told me that I passed, I wished I had a hat that I could fling joyfully into the air like Mary Tyler Moore did. I also resisted the urge to run gleefully down the hall, yelling, "I'm FREE!!! Footnotes, be gone! WHEEEE!!!!"

The completion of my dissertation is definitely a relief. It's consumed my life for too long. I sacrificed several fun things that I could have done, like watch Lisa Loeb perform here in Chicago, spend time with my friends, and work on my fiction writing. I worked so hard that I was about five footnotes away from writing the words "REDRUM" and "All work and no play makes Neurotic Workaholic a dull girl" over and over again in my dissertation.

Now I have to focus on finding a job. I've received more rejection e-mails, as well as a couple leads. I could have taken a full-time teaching job at a small school in the South that paid the same salary that the janitors at my school make. I did some research on the small town that the school was located in, and I admit that the caffeine addicted city snob that I am cringed at the idea of living in a town with only one coffee shop (and it wasn't even Starbucks).

I just had an interview with another school in a different state that requires a heavy teaching load (more than most of the other schools I've applied to); it also requires full-time professors to work as advisors. But the salary is very low compared to the amount of work that they expect teachers to do.

The salary that this school is offering is only about a thousand dollars more than the salary offered by another school that I'm interested in, which offers a lighter teaching load and doesn't require professors to work as advisors. I'm still waiting to hear back from that other school, but I'm thinking about withdrawing my application from that school that I did the interview with.

I'm not the type of person who demands or expects a high salary. I just want to earn enough money to live on, with some money left over to pay off my student loans and put in my savings account.

If I took the job with that school, I'd be overworked and underpaid, just like I've been for the past several years. When I work too hard, I get so stressed out that I start screaming at inconsiderate drivers that cut me off and I stand by the tables of WiFi freeloaders in cafes and hold my coffee cup threateningly over their laptops.

I always thought that once I completed my PhD, I'd finally have a chance to breathe. Maybe I could finally find a full-time job that pays enough so I don't have to work a second job (or a third). I'm worried, though, that if this school offers me that job and I turn it down, it may be the only opportunity I have this year for full-time work. And then I'd end up working three part-time jobs again anyway.

Have you ever "settled" for a job that you didn't really want? What are deal breakers for you when it comes to jobs?