Maybe the next time I go on a date...

1. I won't dress like an uptight old maid from the 1900s, only more conservative.

2. I won't mention that I read a dating self-help book. (He's Just Not That Into You changed my whole mindset. Its message is basically common sense: if a guy doesn't call, it means he's not interested. And this whole time I'd been thinking, "I'm sure as soon as he gets out from that boulder he's been trapped under, he will TOTALLY call me.")

3. I won't describe the e-mails and winks that I got from weird guys on okcupid, including one from a guy who was married (and had a picture of his wife on his profile) but was looking for "new friends" who were "open-minded".

4. I won't order noodles or salad, so that I don't have to spend the whole time wondering if I have food in my teeth.

5. I won't mention how many other guys I've met and gone out with through online dating (I'd rather not say how many on this blog, because the number is just depressing at this point).

6. I won't say that everyone else my age is getting married and having children, and then give him a meaningful look.

7. I won't get the directions to wherever I'm meeting my date from CTA's website, so that I won't end up in the wrong neighborhood and walk up and down the streets while muttering, "Where am I?"

8. I won't watch a crime drama right before the date, so that I end up being several minutes late because I just had to find out if the criminal got away with his "my iPod made me do it" defense.

9. I won't walk really fast to get there, so that I end up panting with my tongue hanging out when I show up for the date.

10. I won't say, "Gee, this chicken is making my tongue feel all garlicky..."

11. I won't vent about my temptation to drop anvils on my students' cell phones when they use them in class.

12. I won't keep checking my shirt to make sure I didn't spill anything on it.

13. I won't drink a lot of soda, so that I end up being hyper from the caffeine and sounding like my conversation is one long sentence, as in "Wow, this is a really cool neighborhood there are so many people here that food smells good how's your food taste gee I think I'll order more soda...."

14. I won't run in the opposite direction or duck if he leans in to kiss me at the end of the date.

Did I actually do all of these things on previous dates? I'm afraid so. I've been reflecting on the dates I've been on, and trying to think of what I can do better so that if I do end up liking any one of the guys, he won't be turned off by how weird and neurotic I can be sometimes (and by sometimes, I mean all the time). And also, I've been thinking of what I can do differently so that the guys I don't like will never call me again. Do you ever do that when you go out on dates, or, if you're married/in relationships, did you ever think about these kinds of things when you were single?

But then again, it may be a moot point as far as I'm concerned. Aside from the two guys I met through eharmony and went on dates with a few weeks ago, I haven't been having much success with online dating lately. Three more guys on eharmony disappeared by the time we got to the third phase of the guided communication (which is the phase right before we send regular e-mails); it's like, seriously, what is UP with that? Two of them closed the match, blocking off any communication, and one of them had initiated contact with me first!

I guess I should keep trying, but dating is hard work. And even though I'm a workaholic, sometimes I wish I could just retire. For some people, finding someone seems to come so easily. But to be honest, I'm tired of it. I know that I shouldn't give up, and I don't intend to...yet. But I've come to realize that I've always felt at least a little bit lonely when I was dating, even if it was with someone I actually cared about. It just always felt like something was missing.

I don't feel lonely when I'm writing, when I'm teaching, or when I'm doing graduate work. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so. Maybe it's just that I haven't met the right person. Or maybe it's just that I'm meant to take a different path in life.

And I know what you're going to say. "Don't give up yet." I haven't given up, not yet. Or, "You have to have something in your life besides work." And I know, and I do. I have other things and people in my life that make me happy. But I don't think it's such a bad thing to be a workaholic, especially since it is such a central part of many people's lives. And my work is important to me, and I don't think it's a bad thing to say that.

I'm just wondering if that thing that millions of other people have written songs, novels, and poetry about will ever happen for me, and if it would really be the worst thing if it didn't.