Don't Judge Me for My Groceries

I am a terrible cook. I can't heat up Pop-Tarts or frozen pizza without burning it. I can't even make Easy-Mac right, because somehow it always ends up tasting like crunchy cheese crumbs; I don't think mac and cheese is supposed to be crunchy, or is it? I've tried following recipes from a variety of sources, but almost every time I cook, I've ended up coming this close to setting the food/the kitchen/myself on fire. And since I live alone, that means I'm stuck eating leftovers for the next several meals.

So I usually buy the prepared meals at Whole Foods. This grocery store is pricier than Jewel-Osco and Dominick's, but I really like it there. Their produce is really fresh and delicious, and their employees are always helpful and friendly. And their prepared meals are really good too, and it's usually cheaper and healthier than buying takeout every night.

On the other hand, I get this complex about shopping for food, because I feel like the cashier is judging me for my groceries and can tell that I'm single since most of the meals would only feed one person. You could argue that the groceries that a single person buys is similar to the food that a workaholic buys; after a long workday, the last thing I want to do is spend an hour standing in my kitchen cooking and cleaning up.

Also, when I go to Dominick's or Jewel, I feel self-conscious because I often buy M&Ms and Froot Loops. Not the healthiest choices, I admit, but I figure it's okay as long as I eat everything in moderation and exercise regularly. But I always feel like the cashier is silently judging me as he or she rings up my junk food.

But then I remember what it was like when I was a grocery store cashier back in high school; I couldn't care less what people bought. All I cared about was getting each person through my lane as quickly as possible. I didn't remember people's food, but I did remember the customers who argued with me over prices. I also disliked the customers who treated cashiers like a bank, particularly the ones who demanded fives and tens (which I never had enough of to begin with) for their change or paid for a fifty-cent gum purchase with a five hundred dollar bill. Guess what, people: cashiers have a limited amount of cash in their drawers, so when you treat us like a bank like that, it slows the whole line down because then we have to get more change.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Whole Foods to stock up on some food for the week. I went up to one of the employees.

Me: Are you going to be selling lasagna again anytime soon?

Employee: No. We're probably not going to have that available until the fall. Now that it's summer we're serving lighter foods. Would you like anything else? (looks pointedly at the kung pao tofu and the grilled vegetables)

Me: (distracted by the brownies and cupcakes in the pastry section) I'm sorry, what?

At Whole Foods you can get a 10-cent refund if you bring your own bag for your groceries. I used to just get their paper bags, but then I felt environmentally incorrect about it; I eventually caved in and bought one of their bags.

Cashier: Thank you for bringing your bag with you today! Would you like to keep your bag refund or donate it to charity?

Me: Say you want to keep it! Thirteen bag refunds equals one iTunes, which equals that new Miley Cyrus song you haven't bought yet! But then if you keep it, the cute cashier will think you're greedy because you just spent all this money on groceries but won't spare a dime for charity! You can donate it.

Cashier: (finishes ringing up my groceries) Will this be cash or credit?

Me: (distracted by the cute guys in other lanes ringing up and bagging groceries) What? Oh, um, cash.


Check out this funny video from Improv Everywhere (their videos are on Youtube and they're hilarious!). Maybe if this kind of thing happened in the grocery store, it might make shopping more fun.