Act Like an Adult

At a wedding I attended a few years ago, a female friend of my parents turned to me as soon as the ceremony ended and asked, "So, when are you going to get married?"

The kid in me wanted to say, "I don't know. When are you going to get your mustache waxed?"

But as an adult, I said something vague, like, "I just haven't met the right guy yet."

Even though I'm thirty-two, I don't always feel like an adult. Maybe it's because I still carry a bookbag instead of a briefcase. Actually, when I first started teaching, I bought a briefcase, but it was hard to carry it because of all the heavy textbooks I used in my classes.

Maybe it's because I'm still buying school supplies, like notebooks, pens, and candy to throw at the loud students in the library.

I have long hair, and it grows pretty fast. So I have to get it cut every six weeks. But I haven't gotten a haircut in three months because I spent the money at Starbucks. 

My iPod playlist also resembles that of a teenage girl, because it includes songs by Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, and One Direction. What? Their songs are catchy and fun to work out to! Have you ever tried to work out to classical music? I'd probably fall asleep on the treadmill!

Side note: Please don't stop following my blog because of my taste in music. I'd promise to never post a video by one of my favorite musicians, but then I'd just be lying.

Even though I'm thirty-two, I still don't know how to put on makeup. Every time I go to Macy's, I try to get up the courage to approach one of those cosmetics salespeople and ask them for tips. But they all look so polished and fashionable that I end up walking right past them every time. I tried watching a few of those Youtube videos on how to apply makeup, but I got depressed because the girls in those videos all had better hair than mine.

Every time I go to a cafe, there are always at least two or three people who think that their laptop bags need their own separate table. As an adult, I either ask them politely to move their bags so that I can sit down, or I find another table. But the kid in me wants to fling their bags across the cafe and yell, "How do you like me NOW?"

When I walk around outside, I can't help admiring the pretty dresses and high heels that women my age wear. I keep thinking that I should stop wearing jeans, T-shirts, and sneakers all the time and dress like a woman in her thirties. Maybe then when I go to the nail salon and ask for a pedicure, the ladies won't stop and ask, "Wait, are you over eighteen?" I do dress up when I teach, but that still doesn't stop some of the students from saying on the first day of class, "Wait, are you the teacher? We thought you were one of us." (On the other hand, I think that once I get older, I'll want people to think I'm younger.)

I've been watching a lot of Youtube videos where people show off the ways that they decorated their homes; my favorites are the ones posted by House and Home and Spaces. Even though I've lived in my own apartment for more than ten years, I still have pictures up on the wall that I decorated my high school locker with. (But at least I finally threw away those Backstreet Boys posters.)

Being an adult is sometimes more difficult than I thought it would be when I was younger. It means that if I mess up, I have to take responsibility for it. It means that if someone hurts my feelings (like when my dissertation committee tears apart my drafts, which is what I'm afraid is going to happen when they read my latest draft), I can't hide in bed and cry; I have to let it go and move on. It means that I can't always do whatever I want, because I'll have to deal with the consequences.

On the other hand, I do like some of the perks of adulthood. I like that I don't have to eat my vegetables unless I want to. I like that I can stay out as late as I want (even though I usually fall asleep before midnight). I like that I don't have to hide my copies of Cosmopolitan anymore (my father still tries to make me cover my eyes every time there's a kissing scene on TV). I like that I can live on my own, pay my own bills, and make my own decisions.

Also, even though some of my students initially think that I'm younger, once they start missing class regularly, sleeping or texting during lectures, or making up excuses for why their work was turned in late (or not at all), I definitely feel old.

What about you? What do you like/dislike about adulthood? What makes you feel like you're still a kid? What makes you wish that you were still a kid? 

If the Shoe Doesn't Fit

Unlike many women, I hate shoe shopping because I hate my big feet. I have this fear that the minute I take off my shoes to try on a new pair, people are going to start screaming, "Run for your lives! Bigfoot is REAL!"

You can get plastic surgery to make your nose smaller. But I don't think you can get plastic surgery to make your feet smaller. Even if you could, I wouldn't get it. Not only would I be afraid that something could go wrong, there's also the fact that a Frappuccino is a big expense for me. So I definitely can't afford plastic surgery anyway. 

Once a helpful saleswoman told me that the reason high heels hurt me so much was because I have flat feet; high heeled shoes are often curved. The few times I have worn heels, I ended up falling down more often than not, so that it looked like I was still learning how to walk (at the age of thirty-one).

Whenever I go to shoe stores, I always see all the pretty shoes that will never fit me. The last time I went shopping, I saw a bunch of large shoes that looked comfortable, so I tried on a pair. Then I caught several guys looking at me strangely and I realized that I was in the men's shoe section. To cover up my embarrassment I lied and said, "Uh, I'm buying these for my boyfriend. Our feet are the same size."

I'm even more insecure about my weight than my feet, which is why I work out at the gym four or five times a week. I was overweight in high school and college, which is one of the reasons I was made fun of and didn't get many dates. There were people who constantly told me how fat and ugly I was, which made me feel even worse. I ate to make myself feel better, but then I looked in the mirror and felt bad all over again.

Yes, it's definitely true that you don't have to be thin to be beautiful. There are plenty of gorgeous people out there who don't look like stick figures. But on the other hand, I think that there are a lot of people like me who want to be in shape. Otherwise, why would programs like Weight Watchers have so many members? Why else are there so many health clubs? 

I first decided to join a gym when I went to the Taste of Chicago (a summertime food festival featuring food from restaurant vendors all over the city. It's my favorite festival, and I go every year.) a few years ago. There was a group of trainers from a popular gym in the city who had set up a table and were demonstrating exercises for people who stopped to watch. There were other trainers who were stopping festival goers and encouraging them to sign up for free trial memberships.

At first I felt tempted to say no, but I felt guilty about the fact that they were all fit and healthy looking, while I was eating a bunch of fried food. So I signed up. And I've been a regular gym rat ever since. I think a part of me is afraid that I'll get fat again.

On the other hand, working out usually makes me feel better. On days when I'm ready to start screaming and throwing things like a guest on the Jerry Springer show, I go to the gym and the endorphins I get from exercising make me feel good. I don't have to feel guilty about taking time off from my work to exercise. Spending an hour or two at the gym makes me feel like I've done something productive, unlike spending an hour or two watching TV.

But no matter how often I work out, I know that I'll probably never look exactly the way I want to. I'm not saying that I want to look like a Victoria's Secret model (though that would be AWESOME, as long as I don't have to walk around in my underwear, which I guess would defeat the purpose of being a Victoria's Secret model). But I want to be able to walk into a store and try on any outfit that I want without worrying if it'll fit. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see.

What about you? Do you ever feel insecure about the way you look? (And I'm not trying to insult anyone, because you're all lovely, of course. But I think that most people have wanted to change something about themselves at some point.)

Side note: Sorry if some of my old posts show up in your Google Reader; I've been removing most of the pictures from my blog. I hated to remove the pictures, since they were good ones. But Roni Loren, a novelist and fellow blogger, shared her story about how she was sued for posting someone else's pictures on her blog. I thought it was good of her to be honest with everyone and take responsibility for her actions. I also thought it was horrible to see so many people leave nasty, self-righteous comments on her blog (to the point that she had to shut down the comments section on that post); I don't think she deserved to be attacked by mean-spirited jerks like that, especially since she already paid (literally and figuratively) for her mistake.

Too Bad I'm Not a Millionaire

I recently filed my taxes, and when I was looking over my return, I thought, "Wow. I did not make a lot of money this year." I did work three jobs in 2011, but none of them paid very much; not to mention the government took a big chunk out of all my paychecks. Hmmmph.

I did, however, get my tax refund. It wasn't very big, but it was a nice little sum that I definitely needed. When the money from my federal and state refunds were deposited into my account, for one moment (okay, for several moments) I was tempted to spend it all on fun stuff that I don't really need. Here are a few examples:

I've never been to a real spa before, a place where I could get stuff like a facial and a massage, preferably from a really cute masseur. (And when I say "massage", I don't mean that in a Lifetime movie of the week kind of way; I mean an actual massage.) I think that getting a massage would be a good way to relieve stress.

But the only problem is that I think I am physically incapable of getting one. I once got a back massage from a masseuse who was doing them for free at Jamba Juice (jeez, now I don't just sound like I'm in a Lifetime movie; I kind of sound like I'm writing a letter to Penthouse). But I kept giggling because I am extremely ticklish, and the masseuse kept saying, "Just relax. You're tensing up." And all I could think was, Relax? Telling me to relax is like telling Superman to stop flying around and just take a cab! 

My passport expired a few months ago, but I didn't bother to renew it because I haven't traveled anywhere (except to visit my parents, who live in a different state, twice a year) in more than ten years. I don't really have the money or the time to go anywhere. But if I did, I'd love to visit New York City, because I've never been there before.I've heard that it's a lot more metropolitan than Chicago, which is a big city, but sometimes it feels like each neighborhood is a self-contained small town. I've read so many stories that are set in New York that I want to go and see the places that I've read about in person. I also have the feeling that if I went to New York, I'd be just like one of those tourists that sometimes (read: always) annoy me here in Chicago, the ones that lean their heads back and remark, "Wow! Them buildings sure are tall around here!"

I rarely go shopping for new clothes, unless the clothes or shoes I already have are literally worn out, or if I have a special event to go to, like a wedding, and I can't wear my jeans and T-shirts to it. I don't mind having to wear the same outfits again and again, at least not most of the time. But every once in a while, I feel envious of the women who can afford to buy nice clothes and shoes whenever they want. I don't really care about designer labels, but I do wish that I could buy nicer clothes, so that maybe people won't keep thinking that I'm a lot younger than I am. (You'd think that people mistaking me for being younger would be a good thing, and it is sometimes. But one reason I look young is that I don't wear sophisticated outfits like a lot of thirtysomething women do.)

I was walking by a store the other day, and I looked in the window and saw a really pretty purse that I wanted to buy. It was actually a messenger bag, the cool kind that would have room for stuff like my journals, wallet, and M&Ms that I eat when I need a sugar rush or when I want to fling them at annoying people. I was so tempted to buy it, but it cost sixty dollars. And for me, splurging on a new purse means buying a bag at JCPenney's post-Christmas sale once a year, for less than twenty dollars.

But of course, I didn't get any of these things. I followed personal finance journalist Donna Freedman's advice and spent most of my tax refund on sensible things: my Roth IRA yearly contribution (I don't EVER intend to retire, unless they make me do it, because really, what will I DO with myself if I don't get to work at all? That would just be MADNESS, I tell you! But I still figure it'd be a good idea to have my own retirement fund, even though it's still pretty small right now.), new contact lenses (I'm also going to use some of it to go to Lenscrafters for an eye exam, since I don't have regular health insurance), and credit card payments, and a chunk of it went into my emergency fund.

I did buy one "frivolous" thing, though: a new iPod. The last time I got a new one was six years ago, and I think you're supposed to replace iPods every three or four years. So my old iPod kept breaking down and freezing up even after I recharged it, to the point that I kept breaking down every time it happened, shrieking, "Why won't you let me listen to Britney, darn you!" (My new iPod works very nicely, which means I'm a lot less likely to start sobbing over pop music now.) And I need an iPod because I do a lot of commuting; I don't have a car, and when I run errands without using the bus or train, I walk. Being able to listen to music makes that stuff less tedious, and it also soothes me. That way, I'm less likely to start flinging M&Ms at annoying people when I go out.

What about you? What do you plan to spend your tax refund on?

Side note: Check out this song by singer Meiko; it's called "Stuck on You". I came across her music by accident when I was procrastinating on the Internet, and I really liked it. Her music is not only good to listen to; it's also good to write to.

Does This Outfit Make Me Look Single?

Recently, I read an article on match.com's blog called "Your Perfect Date Night Color: What to Wear". According to match.com, it's not only what you wear that's significant; the color(s) of your clothes matters too. That makes me think that if I wear the wrong color, my date might think, "Oh, that color totally makes her look like she's the kind of girl who will always love her cats more than me. I'm out of here."

According to the article, "White symbolizes purity (the traditional bridal dress), spirituality, and silence." The article also says, " If you love to wear some white, you are probably seen as clean and orderly, but you may want to work on breaking the silence a bit as well." I suppose it would be good if the guy saw me as "clean", because I wouldn't want him to think that I'm the kind of girl who doesn't believe in showers. (FYI: I shower every day, thank you very much.) I'm not sure if I really want him to think of me as "orderly" though, because then he might not think of me as the woman who could possibly be the mother of his future children but the woman who could reorganize his apartment for him.

Also, if I show up wearing a white dress, I'm not sure I want him to immediately think I'm practicing for when I put on my wedding dress. On the other hand, I suppose he's less likely to think that as long as I leave the veil at home.

The article also says, "Though they say black is the most flattering color on all, there’s no denying the sense of mystery and allure you portray." Great! I've always wanted to be seen as alluring, but that's not why I have so many black clothes. I usually wear black (not just on dates, but every day) because that way if I spill coffee or food on my clothes the stains will be less noticeable. I guess that could be construed as being "mysterious", because then my date could think, "Hmm, I wonder what food stain that is on her sleeve? Could it be macaroni and cheese? Or Cheetos? That is a mystery. I should ask her out again just so I can find out."

"Blue is a color of simplicity, truth, and intellect. Regardless of the shade, this color says 'I like to be understood' to your date." I don't typically wear blue on dates, unless you count blue jeans. But is it a total fashion faux pax to wear jeans on the first date, especially if you're just going out for coffee or drinks to a casual bar? Besides, if I do wear jeans, I wear the one pair I own that doesn't have holes in them, and that says something, right? (What? I'm a broke grad student. I can barely afford to replace the clothes that have holes in them; you think I have the cash to to buy new outfits every time I go out?)

I do want "to be understood" by my date, though. I want it to be understood that if he makes fun of me for not making as much as money as he does just because I am in grad school and work multiple part-time jobs, I'm out of there. But not before I throw my drink at him.

What do you think? Do you think that the colors that a person wears reveals something about his or her personality?

For my date with chemistry bachelor #3, I wore dark colors. Did they have any effect on him? I'll let you know in my next blog post.