When (Almost) Everything Goes Wrong

The past couple weeks have been very difficult for me, and it seems like one bad thing kept happening after another. Here are some examples:

1. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, partly because I've been stressed out over my dissertation and partly because my new neighbor is very enthusiastic about her dates (and yes, I said "dates", because I've seen her come in and out of the building with different ones). She's so enthusiastic that I initially thought she kept watching a documentary on orangutans on Animal Planet. I was tempted to slip a note under her door or perhaps put a big sign on my window where she can see it, one that says, "THE WHOLE BUILDING CAN HEAR WHAT YOU'RE DOING."

2. One of my fellow graduate students recently won a prestigious award for her work. I can't help feeling jealous every time I hear about one of my classmates' accomplishments. I confided to this student about my struggles with my work on a couple occasions; she responded by emphasizing the fact that she was doing really well or that her professors had praised her work.

3. For every class I teach, there's always at least one or two students who are perpetually tardy or absent. One student waltzed in more than half an hour late. She is full of excuses. When I confronted her after class, she said, "I'll try not to be more than fifteen minutes late next time."

4. I gave up the chance to go to a one-night writing class at StoryStudio in order to stay home and do research for my dissertation. I spent hours making a list of books that I needed to check out of the library at my school. But it wasn't until after I got to campus the next day that I realized I left the list at home.

5. One of the other members on my dissertation committee read the draft that I spent all summer working on. I'd like to say that he had nothing but positive feedback on what I wrote and that I didn't feel like drowning my sorrows in M&Ms after I read his comments. I'd also like to say that I didn't run out of cereal and ate ice cream for breakfast instead. But then I'd just be lying.

6. Three guys "winked" at me in one day, which I was flattered by, until I read their profiles. One guy was thirty years older than me. Another guy wrote that he was looking for "discreet fun" (which may explain why he didn't put any pictures of himself in his profile). Another guy looked like he was at least seventy pounds overweight, though he was arrogant enough to describe himself as athletic and toned, and he wrote that he did not want to date any "heavy women".

7. A fourth guy also contacted me that day, though at least he wrote an e-mail. But his pictures in his profile looked familiar, so I went through all the e-mails I'd received and realized that he'd already sent me the exact same e-mail two months before, word for word. I think he must send the exact same e-mail to all the women he contacts on match.com.

8. And the award for the creepiest e-mail I've ever received goes to the loser on plentyoffish who offered to be my "financial benefactor" and to send me money. I never said ANYTHING about money in my profile. I think he either was trying to "hire" me for you-know-what or he sees himself as some kind of gross sugar daddy. I was furious that he may or may not have thought I was a prostitute or a sugar baby. I blocked him from contacting me again and immediately reported him to the site, though I really wanted to whap his face with my laptop.

9. A woman on the bus cursed at me in front of everyone else, because I accidentally caused her to miss her stop. I didn't move out of the way fast enough when she was trying to get off the bus through the back door (I tried to move out of the way, but the bus was too crowded), and the bus driver ignored her calls to stop. So she screamed at him and me.

10. Every time my parents call (and they insist on calling several times a week) they either ask when I'm going to be done with my dissertation or they tell me what I should do when I finish my dissertation. They've already decided which schools I should apply to, where I should live, and what kind of car I should get. There are several schools in the Chicago area, but they are pressuring me to leave Chicago. They've been pressuring me to leave the city that I love for years. I know that eventually I may end up in a college town, depending on where I get hired, but ultimately, where I live and teach is going to be my decision. For years, I've been trying to make my parents see that I have the right to live my life on my terms.

11. During a class discussion one day, the majority of the students actively participated the whole time, which was rare. They talked about the characters in the book we were studying as if the characters were real people. They said stuff like, "I am so mad at that character right now! I can't believe he did that!" I could tell that the book really affected them, and they said it was because they really liked it and they thought the author was really good. They wanted to know what else the author had written, and I saw several of the students write down the titles I gave them.

That was one of those rare days that made me remember why I've kept teaching all these years. I love it when the students get excited about what they're reading or writing. They were inspired by what they read in the book, and that inspired me.

Even though it seems like everything else in my life is going wrong right now (and I can't help but blame myself for most of what's happening, except for the jerks on those dating sites), that day in the classroom made me feel like I'm doing at least one thing right.

What about you? Do you ever go through those times where it feels like everything's going wrong? What makes you feel better?

I Give Up...For Now

If there was ever a reason to cancel my plentyoffish membership, it's this one: I was recently contacted by a guy who described his occupation as "Ass Sniffer".

I immediately thought of my parents' dogs, Neurotic Jr. and Jane Dog, who greet other dogs by sniffing their butts. Was that guy trying to say that he acts like a dog? Does he also drink out of the toilet and like tummy rubs?

I suppose it could have been worse. He could have described himself as a "Boob Grabber".

I'm embarrassed to admit that I only got to go on one date this time around on match.com. On the other hand, I've already described eight other guys on this blog: I met two of them on okcupid, two on eharmony, and four on chemistry.com. Then there are all the other guys I went out with that I met on online dating sites before I started blogging. I'm not going to say how many I've gone out with, because it's more than I thought I would have to go out with.

I'll also admit that I haven't really been active on either site these last couple of months. I've just been so wrapped up in my dissertation that I haven't had time. It is time consuming to read through all those profiles and send out e-mails (I don't send winks anymore. If I were to meet a guy in real life, I'd strike up a conversation with him, not wink at him. Also, I don't like to wink because I'm afraid that my contact lens will fall out.).

I really do want to meet someone special. I want to get married and have a family. It doesn't help that almost every time my mother calls, she either asks if I'm dating anyone or she tells me that someone younger than me is getting married.

I want to meet someone whose personality is kind of like Harry's in the film When Harry Met Sally. I always liked that in addition to being in love with each other, they were also best friends. And they were perfect for each other, because they were equally neurotic. If I could fall in love with a guy who could be my neurotic best friend AND my boyfriend, life would be good. (It'd also be nice if he looked and danced like Channing Tatum did in the film Magic Mike, but that's not necessarily a requirement.)

I know someone who thinks that Mr. Right will just show up one day. She's still waiting. I thought it was better to put myself out there. I still remember how each time I went on another date, I felt a mixture of nervousness and hope.

But I DON'T want to keep sending e-mails to guys who aren't interested, or to receive one or two e-mails from a guy before he pulls a disappearing act. Every time I got rejected, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I thought I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, or interesting enough. It made me remember what it was like to be a wallflower in high school. I hated it. I know that everyone gets rejected, but when you get rejected over and over again, it can be very disheartening.

I DON'T want to read any more profiles of men who only want to date women who are decades younger than them, but who don't want to date women who are their age or are two years older. Apparently their enormous egos prevent them from realizing that most women in their teens and twenties prefer to date guys their own age. Unless I start lying about my age or get plastic surgery (which will never happen, because if I could afford plastic surgery, I'd spend the money on books, coffee, and Kick Me signs instead), it may get even more difficult for me to find someone as I get older. But I don't want to be with someone who likes me just because I'm fifteen years younger.

I don't regret joining any of those online dating sites. I got to meet new people and go on dates. I learned what I want and what I don't want. I gained enough courage to put myself out there, which is something I was too afraid to do for a long time. I also got enough material for at least two novels.

Now I'll have more time to write fiction. I had to set my manuscripts aside for almost the entire summer in order to work on my dissertation, which is why I turned into the Neurotic Hulk. I'll also have more time for the other things that make me happy, like taking fiction writing classes, reading, visiting museums, watching TV crime dramas, attending plays, and teaching. And, of course, I'll have more time for my dissertation.

I'm not saying I'll never put myself out there ever again. My match.com membership expires in November, so I'll keep it until then. I might even send out a few e-mails to guys whose profiles don't creep me out or who make me want to join a convent. But I'm not going to be as active on either site as I was before.

What do you think? Do you think it's better to keep putting yourself out there, or do you think it's better to leave it up to fate?

The Problem with Flirting

My match.com membership expired a couple days ago. I decided not to renew it, especially because I've begun to think of this online dating site as "Middle-Aged Men and the Young Women They Lust After" and "Men Who Want Girls Who Don't Eat". (I just read a profile where the guy wrote, "I'm looking for a girl who's in shape, not a girl who's a shape." I mean, really?)

I'm disappointed and embarrassed that I only got to go on one date this time around. It made me think that maybe there was something wrong with me, or that maybe I was just very unattractive.

On the other hand, I haven't really e-mailed anyone in a couple of weeks; I don't feel as hopeful about it as I did when I first signed up. I also haven't logged on to plentyoffish in more than a month, partly because under "occupation", one guy wrote "Hi people"; b) I am apparently very appealing to men with multiple children and ex-wives; c) more than one guy wrote in his profile that he wanted to give his dates lots of massages (and I don't even like to hold hands!).

When I went to cancel my match.com membership, I received an offer: "3 months for the price of 1". Despite my failure with both match and plentyoffish, I thought about joining zoosk.com, which is one of the few dating sites I haven't tried. But on the other hand, I would have to pay almost three times the amount that match.com was offering me for the same amount of time on zoosk. I could have tried eharmony again, but it would have cost more than a hundred dollars to see a bunch of profiles with no pictures. (I'm not completely superficial, but I do want to see at least one picture of the guy before the date. I just want to Google him to make sure he's not on America's Most Wanted. Just kidding. Sort of.)

I also could have tried okcupid again, which is free, but I was afraid I'd get more e-mails from married guys (whose wives were also on the site) or from guys who insulted me because I didn't want to hook up with them...and their friends.

I always thought that I'd meet someone the old-fashioned way, by chance when I was out pursuing my own interests, working, or just running errands. But my interests include going to neighborhood festivals like Northalsted Market Days, which is in Lakeview (otherwise known as Boystown). I think of that festival as "The day that I walk around eating funnel cake while staring wistfully at all the muscular gay guys dancing in colorful underwear." (And they're all so friendly, polite, and nice, darn it!)

The chances of my meeting someone at work are fairly slim, since I'm an English teacher and a grad student. Most of the other grad students and teachers are a) female; b) in a relationship; c) gay; d) single, male, straight, and only have eyes for women like Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, or Mary Shelley.

Even though a lot of the guys on match.com claim that they're tired of the bar scene, I know that most of the guys are actually at the bars and clubs. But seeing as how I don't drink alcohol and most of my friends are too busy changing diapers or working sixty-hour weeks to go clubbing, I don't get to go to those places very often. Anyway, every time I do go to a bar, I keep yelling, "WHAT?" the whole time. I also keep thinking, I could order two twelve-packs of Coke for the price of this one cocktail.

Every once in a blue moon, a cute guy does flirt with me, but seeing as how I literally am a nonflirt, I'm usually clueless and oblivious when it happens. For example, when I went to another festival, I bought a chocolate covered strawberry. The guy who sold it to me said, "I'm going to give you one of the big ones, because you're cute." I merely said, "Thanks," because what I was really interested in was the strawberry.

When I went to one of the cafes where I'm a regular, one of the male baristas kept complimenting me and trying to chat me up. But I was too focused on the manuscript I was working on, the coffee I was drinking, and the person who loved Justin Bieber so much that she blasted it from her iPhone (I thought about pouring my coffee on her iPhone, but that would have been a waste of coffee.)

I usually don't even realize that a guy is flirting with me (or in one case, that a guy just asked me out) until he's given up and walked away. Partly it's because I get harassed by random creepy guys on the street on a regular basis. I've learned to keep my head down, my eyes averted, and my mouth shut. So when a cute and friendly guy tries to strike up a conversation with me, I immediately clam up. On the other hand, it's also because I really am very shy and don't know how to react, because I automatically think that he's only talking to me because he's a) drunk; b) trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous; c) trying to convince me to join his cult. (And yes, all three things have happened before.)

When I'm online, it's easier. You have to be more straightforward online, by sending a "wink" or an e-mail (I always send e-mails). It's much easier to say hi to a cute guy online than to just walk up to one in person. You can figure out what you want to say beforehand and rewrite it if it doesn't sound right, unlike in real life. If someone you don't like tries to contact you, all you have to do is block him.

So I decided to renew my membership with match.com for three more months. I'm also thinking of going to one of match.com's singles events, such as one of their speed-dating parties. If that doesn't work, then maybe I'll try zoosk, or maybe I'll rejoin okcupid. I want to keep trying, at least for now. But if online dating really doesn't work out (I can't keep doing it forever, or rather, I can't keep reading profiles written by arrogant, age-obsessed jerks for that much longer), then I'm going to have to turn off my computer and venture out into the "real world" to meet someone, rather than wait until we've exchanged several e-mails before we meet in person.

What do you think? Is it easier for you to meet people (whether it's significant others or friends) online or in person?

Dating in Your Thirties

I recently went on a coffee date with a guy from match.com. To say that I was nervous about it would be an understatement. When I get really stressed or nervous, I break out into a rash. I was freaking out, thinking that I would have to say to my date, "Want to play connect the red dots on my arms?"

Fortunately, my skin (mostly) cleared up by the time we met for coffee. We talked for a long time. He was definitely nicer than a lot of the other guys I've gone out with, because he a) didn't insult me; b) didn't make up an excuse to leave early; c) didn't flirt with the waitress or keep checking out other girls; d) didn't watch TV while we were talking (this did actually happen on a date with a guy I met a couple years ago; we met in a bar and he kept watching the game on the TVs during our conversation. I felt like asking him, "Do you want me to leave so that you and the Bulls can have some alone time?").

He was pretty easy to talk to, and it seemed like we had a lot in common. There were, however, a few awkward pauses in the conversation, so I kept asking him questions and tried not to talk about work too much. (It's hard not to, though, seeing as how I think about work 95% of the time. The rest of the time I usually just think about books or food. Mostly food.)

There were a few times where guys I met through online dating sites mentioned their previous experiences with the sites, and we laughed about the funny profiles/e-mails we'd read. But this guy actually talked about other women that he'd dated, and he brought up the topic more than once. I've read in more than one article that you should NEVER talk about your exes on the first date, partly because you end up revealing more about yourself than about your exes. But what was I supposed to say? "Do you wish you were out with one of your other dates right now? Because I'm wondering why you're even thinking about them when you're with me."

I received a message from him soon after the date, but he didn't ask me out again. And in that sense, he was like several of the other guys I've dated. I couldn't help wondering how many more first dates I was going to have to go on before I met the right guy, or if I would ever find him.

In my opinion, dating in your thirties is more difficult and complicated than dating in your teens or twenties. When I was younger, I thought I had all the time in the world to find someone. In high school, if I had a crush on someone, I didn't really think about the future. I thought about how cute, funny and nice he was and how it would be cool if we got to go to a school dance together. When I was in my twenties, I thought more about long-term relationships, but I still had a more casual attitude about it. That is, I thought that if it were to lead to something more, great! If not, there were other guys out there.

But now that I'm in my thirties, I can't help viewing dates differently. For example, when I look at a guy's profile, I always check to see if he specifies whether or not he's looking for a serious relationship or if he wants kids someday (on match.com you can write "someday, undecided, definitely, no" in the "wants kids" section). If he isn't looking for any kind of a commitment (and many of the guys on plentyoffish.com make it clear that they aren't) or if he doesn't want kids, I immediately go on to the next profile.

On the other hand, for some reason a lot of the guys on plentyoffish.com have several children, as in three or four. I'm not opposed to dating a single dad, but I don't think I'm prepared to date someone with a big family, at least not yet. 

When I go on dates, I don't just think, "Is he going to call? Will I ever see him again?" I also think, "Can I actually see myself with this person? Does he have the same values and beliefs as me? Does he want the same things I do? Is he someone I could introduce to my parents?" (Unfortunately, with almost all the guys that I've met through online dating, the answer is always no.) 

I feel like now that I'm in my thirties, I'm running out of time. I know that a lot of people get married and have children when they're older, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to have children by the time I actually get married, if that ever happens. I could try adoption, but that's not a sure thing and it could take years. Not to mention most of the guys my age have wives or girlfriends, and the ones who are single are usually looking for someone a lot younger, not someone who's closer to their own age.

I've tried not one, not two, but FIVE online dating sites. I've tried blind dates and speed dating. I participated in social events at my church. There were a couple guys who asked me out at my various part-time jobs, but they were significantly younger, which was an issue for me. I don't want to still be going on first dates ten years from now, or even five years from now. I've already been on too many first dates as it is (way more than I thought I would have to go on when I was in my teens and twenties), and I keep ending up disappointed. I don't want to feel that way anymore.

They say that there's one right person out there for each person, but maybe that isn't entirely true. Maybe some people get to fall in love, get married, and have children, and others don't. Maybe one of the reasons I'm such a workaholic is because it'll pay off in the end, and I might get what I want from my work, if not from someone who may not even exist. Maybe the reason I haven't been able to make it work with any of the guys I've gone out with so far is because it wasn't supposed to work with anyone. I might not ever be a wife or a mother, but I could spend the rest of my life as a teacher and a writer. And maybe that's not such a bad thing, seeing as how I do love teaching and writing. I think that I'm pretty good at teaching and writing (though I still have a lot to learn), yet I keep failing at dating.

What about you? Do you think that dating in your thirties is different from dating in your twenties or teens? How do you feel about first dates?

Here's a funny video that compares women in their twenties to women in their thirties (I'm definitely like the thirtysomething women in this video, except substitute the club and the bar they go to with Barnes & Noble and Target.)

What I'm Looking For

Even though I've only been a member of plentyoffish.com for about a week, I think I'm going to cancel my membership. I just read a profile where the guy wrote, "I'm looking for a girl who's really hot and has really big boobs."

Another guy sent me an e-mail that creeped me out. He wrote, "I will love you as much as you deserve to be loved." (He doesn't even know my name, and he's already promising to love me? Blech!)

One guy wrote an e-mail that said, "I make a lot of money and will pay for everything. A pretty thing like you shouldn't have to work." (First of all, I really don't like being called a "thing". Second of all, DON'T tell me that I won't have to work! That's like telling the Kardashians that they can't be filmed anymore!)

My lack of success this time around has made me feel more than a little disappointed and bitter. In fact, I'm sitting in Starbucks right now, and there's a young couple sitting next to me who hasn't stopped touching each other, stroking each other's hair, and kissing since they sat down beside me, and it's been a half hour now. I never thought I'd be the type of person to yell, "Get a room!" or throw coffee at annoying public displays of affection, but I really wish these people who won't stop groping each other would GO AWAY right now.

In an online dating profile, you can describe who you are and what you're interested in, but you can also describe what you're looking for. I wrote that it would be nice to find someone to enjoy the city with, and that I was looking for someone who is close to my age and lives in Chicago or the suburbs. But if I was going to be really honest, here's what I would have written:

Recently I bought a small filing cabinet with two drawers for ten dollars from my building's super. Before I opened it, I thought, "Hmm. I hope there aren't any dead animals in there." The guy I'm looking for would not only not think I was weird for thinking that, but would open the cabinet and check it for me.

On match.com, you can list the last book that you read. Some guys wrote, "I really don't like to read. I like magazines, though." Another guy wrote, "I just read my friend's Twitter feed. Good stuff." The guy I'm looking for wouldn't necessarily have to read as much as I do, but he would be someone I could talk about books with.

Although I will admit that most of the guys I've dated have been physically fit, looks aren't necessarily a deal breaker for me. I've e-mailed more than one guy because of what he wrote in his profile, not because of what he looked like. The guy I'm looking for would NEVER specify a weight limit for his dates, tell women not to e-mail him if they are fat, or write that he only wants to date "fit" women. Even though I go to the gym four to five times a week, I will never be a size six, due to my love of all things chocolate-covered. The guy I'm looking for would accept that and would still think that I am beautiful.

The guy I'm looking for also wouldn't be the type to drive around in his car with his music blasting so loud that the doors vibrate. He wouldn't keep his neighbors up all night with his loud parties or television, which means he'd never have to deal with my wrath or dodge the objects that I want to throw at loud people. He wouldn't cut in front of anyone in line, and he'd be polite, considerate, and courteous to everyone.

He would also have a good job (though he doesn't have to make six figures) and be ambitious and hard-working. I read one profile where the guy wrote, "I don't have a job right now, but I am in a band and I'm sure I'll get my big break soon." Another guy wrote, "I live with my parents, which is cool because I don't have to pay rent. So I only have to work part-time, which leaves me more time to play video games." (I'm not making that up. Did I mention this guy is in his thirties?) I want someone who doesn't treat his parents like an ATM and is responsible.

On plentyoffish you can write if you're looking for a relationship or if you're looking for casual dates with no commitment. A lot of the guys my age wrote that they're looking for casual dates. But I'm thirty-two years old. I don't want to keep going on first dates. I want a family of my own. I want someone who wants the same things I do, and who would NEVER ask me to hook up with him AND his friend (yes, that did happen to me) or who would ask to hook up with one of my friends. And he would NEVER want an "open relationship". (What's the point of being in a relationship if you're still dating other people?)

When I did online dating before, I had at least a few leads and had even gone on a date or two by now. But I joined match.com more than a month ago, and...nothing. It's left me feeling very discouraged.

Match.com has these singles events that they refer to as The Stir. There's a trivia night, a happy hour, and sporting events. Next month there's a speed dating event. I thought about going, but I already tried speed dating a few years ago, and it did not end well for me. I'm not sure if I want to try again. What do you think?

I still want to meet someone. But these past few weeks I've been neglecting my dissertation due to my online dating memberships, and now I've fallen even more behind. I think that I'm going to have to set online dating aside for now, and focus on my studies. I've spent too much time on these sites and ended up with nothing. But at least if I spend enough time on my dissertation, I'll end up with a doctorate.

Sighhh. The couple beside me keep stroking each other's hair, and now the girl is MOANING. I feel like I'm trapped in the middle of a really bad porno.

What about you? If you're single, what do you look for in a potential mate? If you're in a relationship, then what made you fall for that person that you're with?

Gone Fishin'

Since I haven't been having much success with match.com, I decided to sign up for a free membership on plentyoffish.com. I've only been on the site for a couple of days now. Due to all of the guys' pictures that I've seen so far, I now think of this site as being home to guys whose personal motto is "I THINK I'm too sexy for my shirt, but I should really put on a couple of sweaters."

Plentyoffish is a dating site that I haven't tried before. I had heard that the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger, found her current boyfriend on this site (though I couldn't help wondering why she turned to an online dating site to find a guy when she is a professional matchmaker). I liked Patti's no-nonsense attitude towards her millionaire clients, most of whom were not as good-looking as they thought they were and only wanted to date women who were twenty years younger than them. I thought since it worked for her, maybe it would work for me.

One thing I've noticed is that a lot of the guys on that site are apparently allergic to clothing. Actually, in the FAQ section on the site, it says, "Only females can send private images. This feature was removed for men because of nudity." (I'm not making this up, though I wish I was.)

On match.com, chemistry.com, eharmony, and okcupid, most of the guys wrote detailed descriptions of themselves and what they were looking for. I always thought that descriptions that were too short (or profiles that didn't include any descriptions at all) were red flags; it made me think that the guys were only on the site for one thing or didn't bother to put much effort into making themselves look good to potential dates. I know it's difficult to describe yourself, but I think you should write at least a paragraph.

On Plentyoffish.com, there are some profiles where the guys wrote detailed descriptions of themselves. But the majority of the profiles have very short descriptions that are usually only two to four lines long. One of them wrote, "I'm not going to write a book. If you want to know anything, just ask me." And that's all he wrote.

Another guy wrote, "I really like sports. Go White Sox!" And that was it. Seriously.

Other guys' descriptions were a little too detailed. One guy made a point of assuring potential matches that his "man parts" (his words, not mine) were functioning properly. Another guy wrote that he was looking for a woman with a high sex drive. One guy wrote, "I don't want to date BIG GIRLS. So if you're hefty, please don't e-mail me." I mean, really?

On sites like match.com and okcupid you can "wink" at someone to let him know that you're interested, though I always send an e-mail. On plentyoffish, if you don't want to send an e-mail, you can "send a flirt" (which isn't even grammatically correct, but WHATEVER), or you can click on the "Meet Me" option. This is where the site shows you a series of pictures (though you have to click on the guys' screennames in order to see their profiles) and asks you if you want to meet the person in the picture; you have to click on "Yes," No", or "Maybe". If you click on "Yes", then plentyoffish will let that person know that you want to meet him. So basically, you can base your decision on whether or not you want to meet someone solely on what he looks like in his pictures.

According to plentyoffish, dozens of men want to meet me. That's definitely flattering, but I don't want to meet them. Some of them are too young (22 or 23). Others live in different states, and I'd really prefer to meet someone who's a local. If I were to go on a date with someone who lived out of state, I'd feel obligated to spend a lot of time with him, because he traveled all that way to see me. But what if we didn't like each other? That would be several hours of awkwardness as opposed to just a casual coffee date with someone who lives in the city.

Although the "Meet Me" option does bug me because it bases dating decisions on physical appearance, and it REALLY bugs me that I keep seeing the line "I'm looking for someone who's in shape" again and again in guys' profiles, I have to admit that looks matter to me too. In fact, one thing I like about this site is that unlike the other dating sites I've been on, you have to put pictures of yourself in your profile in order to e-mail other people. When I looked at the pictures of the guys who wanted to meet me (though I read their profiles too), I couldn't help cringing at most of them. The fact that I'm apparently only attractive to guys that I'm not attracted to depressed me. Looks aren't the ONLY thing that matter to me. Personality, shared interests, and similar values are more important. But I have to be at least a LITTLE attracted to the person that I'm dating.

So far, then, I'm less than pleased with plentyoffish. I think I'm only going to stay on the site for a week or two, just to see if I can meet someone nice. If not, then I'll just cancel my membership, because I don't have time to maintain two online dating memberships at the same time.

Several of you have suggested that I write a book about my online dating experiences. That's a good idea. I've actually filled up more than one notebook with my descriptions of the dates I've been on, the guys I've communicated with, the weird profiles I've seen, and my observations of the differences among the dating sites. So I already have plenty of material. (I'm a little tempted to join zoosk.com sometime in the future, just so I can write about it.) As I said to one fellow blogger, my consolation prize from all of this is that even if I don't end up with the right guy, at least I could end up with a novel.

What about you? Why do you think that some guys don't write much about themselves (or anything at all) in their profiles? Do you think that an online dating site with no pictures at all (but with the requirement that the members write detailed descriptions of themselves) would work? I'm not sure I would join it, but I'd be interested in reading the profiles.