Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Old Friends, Googling, and Mug Shots

Recently, I received an e-mail from an old friend from high school. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in person in almost twenty years (God, that makes me want to immediately apply anti-aging cream to my face). We'd exchanged e-mails for a while after graduation, and then we lost touch. She must have Googled my name because she sent the e-mail to my work address (there's a picture and profile of me on my school's website).

The message was brief and didn't really reveal anything about her life. Ordinarily, I would have e-mailed her back. When I joined Facebook, I received (and accepted) multiple friend requests from old high school friends and classmates, including people I barely talked to when we were teenagers. But this time, it was different.

When I didn't respond, she sent another e-mail a couple days later saying that she "wouldn't bother me anymore" but that she viewed me as one of her best friends. She also mentioned a few sad things that had happened in her life, which made me feel like she was trying to make me feel guilty for not responding.

She clearly has a selective memory in regards to our friendship. We were friends, but she spent much less time with me once she met her boyfriend, who came home from college almost every weekend to see her. I was only fifteen at the time, but even I could tell that it was unhealthy to let your life revolve around just one person. Our lives went in opposite directions after high school. While I moved away to attend college, earn my master's degree and PhD, and become a teacher, she married her boyfriend soon after high school and had children.

Why didn't I write back? I won't go into all the details, but let's just say that before I joined Facebook, I did a Google search of her and some other old friends, because I was curious about how they were doing. I found the usual information: their LinkedIn pages, wedding websites, pictures of their children, etc. When I Googled Old Friend's name, I found her mug shots (and that's right, I mean mug shots as in plural), as well as her details about her criminal record.

What I found shocked and scared me. I couldn't believe that the shy person I'd once been friends with would even be capable of committing crimes like that. She's not in prison now, though she did spend a little time in jail.

I wasn't sure about whether or not to respond to her e-mail at first. What was I supposed to say? "Hi, how are you? I mean apart from all the felonies?"

She still lives in the same town where we grew up, and most of the people there have steered clear of her, due to the damage caused by her actions. I suspected that she must be pretty lonely if she's seeking me out after all this time. But that still wasn't enough to motivate me to e-mail her back.

Another friend suggested that I send her one e-mail back and say that I didn't feel comfortable reconnecting, given her circumstances. But I thought that might hurt her feelings even more.

Part of me thinks that I should feel sorry for her, but I feel more pity for the people who she hurt. I feel angry at her for doing those things. She had all these options, and she chose the worst one. I know that I shouldn't judge her, especially since I don't know all the details of her life. But it's hard not to, given the circumstances.

What about you? Have you ever had a friend or acquaintance with a troubled past try to reconnect with you? What did you do, or what would you do?

12 comments:

  1. Wow, this is a tough one. On one hand, I'd probably think oh she's reaching out, trying to connect with a (potential) friend, and on the other hand I'd be suspicious, wondering what she's after. I think I'd do like you're doing and just follow your instincts.

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    1. Hi Karen,
      I think it might be a combination of both in her case. That is, I think that maybe she really did want to connect, but at the same time I do find it difficult to trust her now. I'm also willing to bet that if I confronted her with what I know, she'd get defensive and it probably wouldn't end well.

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  2. Wow, that's a complicated situation. Were any of the crimes recent? Maybe she's learned from her mistakes. If you're comfortable, a pleasant vague email might be easier. She may not make much of an effort after that. What do I know? I've unfriended two relatives on Facebook for being angry 45 supporters.

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    1. Hi Theresa,
      Yup, the crimes happened very recently. I don't really feel comfortable emailing her, mainly because her crimes are less likely to be the kind featured on "White Collar" and more likely to be the kind in every Lifetime movie. I'm also willing to bet that she would e-mail me a lot after that; I think that she lost a lot of friends after what happened.

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  3. Honestly, I avoid the people I went to school with. Those were not happy times for me, so I wouldn't respond either. You have no obligation to respond. It's your life, and you get to choose who you let into it. So, don't feel guilty.

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    1. Same here. I one of the big reasons why I picked a university across the country from my high school was so I wouldn't bump into the people I went to school with.

      I've accepted some facebook requests, though, but I hardly ever see posts from them as I have a huge number of active writing friends. (Which I prefer.)

      I agree with what Murees says... do what's good for you.

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    2. Hi Murees,
      I especially like your sentence: "It's your life, and you get to choose who you let into it." I need to remember that, especially because I've let too many people into my life that never should have been part of it; I let them because I mistakenly thought I didn't really have a choice. I've resolved to stop doing that.

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    3. Hi Misha,
      I know what you mean. One major reason I haven't returned to the town where I grew up in all these years (my parents no longer live there) is because I don't want to run into them, at least not unless I can arrive in a helicopter like the class nerd did in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion.

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  4. That's tough. I personally would have written back, but I wouldn't have given her any information beyond my email contact. That's just me though. A part of me would hope that I could influence her in a better direction, but that also take a certain amount of emotional energy. You have to do what you're comfortable with, and if you're having a hard time with her actions, it definitely wouldn't be a positive interaction. Not responding was probably the best way to go.

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    1. Hi Crystal,
      A part of me considered writing back, especially because there was a period of time where she really was my friend. But I don't know if I could influence her at this point; people's lives were seriously changed by what she did, and not for the better. You're right about doing what you're comfortable with, because that was the thing: a larger part of me just did not feel comfortable writing back.

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  5. I'd be inclined to do the same as you -- ignore it and hope it goes away. I wouldn't want to reject her outright and hurt her feelings, but I'd be afraid that even one open line of communication might lead to neediness and overreaching... I hope she has at least one or two friends close by...

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      I know, right? That's exactly what I was thinking. I was afraid that it wouldn't just be one or two friendly e-mails from her; it would be many, many e-mails from her. It did seem like she was a little needy, particularly when she tried to make me feel sorry for her in the last e-mail but didn't mention any of the stuff that had been in the news about her. Maybe she would have tried to explain her actions later, but frankly, I'm still upset over what she did to those other people and don't think I can get past it.

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