If There Were No Negative Consequences

1. I'd blow off my other work and spend hours writing fiction every day.

2. I'd go up to the people who camp out at the coffeehouses with their laptops and their cups of coffee that they finished drinking two hours before and say, "Are you going to let other people sit down, like, EVER?"

3. I'd rent a car and go on a cross-country road trip, especially because I haven't traveled anywhere for fun since college. I'd take a lot of pictures, and I'd write about everything. I'd go to New York City and be just like all those tourists who bug the hell out of me here in Chicago. I'd wear one of those Statue of Liberty hats and really big sneakers and point at things.

4. I'd take the laundry that my neighbors leave in the washing machines and dryers for hours after they're done, and throw it out on the lawn, preferably when it's snowy or rainy out. Or better yet, I'd wait until it's really icy out, so that when my neighbors came running out to fetch the laundry, they'd slide down the sidewalk, shrieking, while clutching their sweatshirts and underwear.

5. I'd go up to the nice graduate student who I've had a crush on for years and ask him out on a date.

6. I'd track down all the mean customers I encountered when I worked in the Expensive Clothing Store. I'd find the ones who held up the lines and insisted that I refold their clothes until they were perfect (some would yell insults at me and make me refold the clothes two or three times while I tried not to cry) before I put their purchases in their bags. I'd go through their drawers and closets and throw all their clothes on the floor, and then I'd yell, "Refold that, MEANIES! Ha!"

7. I'd travel through Europe and visit the hometowns of famous authors, like James Joyce, Jane Austen, and Charlotte Bronte.

8. I'd go up to the cliques that inevitably form in grad school, particularly the ones that made me feel bad because I wasn't invited to the party that apparently everyone else in the planet went to. I'd say, "High school is over. GROW UP."

9. I'd skip the gym for a week and spend the time that I would've spent exercising on all the things I never have time for anymore, like look at paintings in the Art Institute, go to inexpensive plays in tiny theaters, and walk around my favorite neighborhoods.

10. I'd find a way to raise money for schools so that they could increase the salary of every teacher. That way no one will ever have to say, "Teachers are underpaid." Then I'd go up to the people who criticized my choice of profession and said, "You do realize you will never be rich, right? Why don't you do something more lucrative?" I'd say to them, "Why don't you use all your money to buy yourself a new personality?"

What about you? If you could do whatever what you wanted and you didn't have to worry about the consequences, what would you do?