I WISH I was bringing sexyback

Even though I hate flirting, I have always had this fantasy of walking down the street and being the center of every guy's attention. Lest you call me egotistical, don't lie; ladies, you know you've had that fantasy at least once. It's definitely an ego boost if you catch someone cute (but not creepy) checking you out. And guys, you know you wouldn't mind people checking you out while you strut down the street.

Normally I tend to walk very fast when I walk around. I'm usually in a hurry to get someplace, and it always bugs me when people stand in the middle of the sidewalk to chat with their friends or point out how high the buildings are or even just pause for a millisecond, because then I have to walk into the street to get past them. Or, if I've had enough caffeine, I may or may not just barrel right through.

But before I left Chicago last week, I decided to try doing that "sexy" walk in East Lakeview, which is my favorite neighborhood in Chicago. It's filled with trendy clothing boutiques, cool used bookstores, coffeehouses, and great restaurants. Unfortunately, the rent is pretty high there, so I can't afford to live there. But I can still visit the neighborhood every now and then, right?

(Side note: Do you notice how in movies and music videos, whenever people do that sexy walk down the street, it's always really windy? And then their hair starts flipping over their shoulders, but never in their eyes? And yet no one else on that same street seems to be affected by the wind.)

So I put on my highest shoes, and OWWWWWW! These shoes hurt! They LOOK good, but they don't FEEL good! How come guys don't have to wear these things? I can't do the sexy walk if I'm in pain! Right now I bet the shoemakers are cackling maniacally as they say, "You didn't think you could actually WALK in those things, did you?"

So I put on my slightly high shoes, and ahhh. That's better. I start walking down Belmont Avenue, and so far, so good. I can do that walk I've seen movie stars and musicians do. Sure. How do they do it? Do they swing their hips? But then how do they keep from bumping into people, as I've done twice already? Sorry, people!

I keep walking, and any minute now it's going to happen for me, and....ooh! There's a used copy of Steve Almond's Candyfreak in that bookstore! I've been wanting to read that for months! I go into the used bookstore and buy the book for six dollars. Woohoo! I want to read that book right now!

Wait. What was I doing again? Oh, right.

I start walking again once I leave the store. I see a cute guy glance over at me, and at that moment....AHHH! PBBBPTHHH! PBBBBPTHHH! YUCK! I think a bug just flew in my mouth! AHHHH! I think I just swallowed it!

Oh, JEEZ. Now the guy is looking at me, but it's only because I'm scratching at my tongue in a frantic attempt to get the bug out.

I need a break. I need something to wash out my mouth with. I go into Starbucks and buy a Frappuccino to wash out the taste of what may or may not have been a bug. On second thought, a large cup of caffeine might not be the thing to calm me down, but whatever. At least I don't taste bug anymore.

I leave Starbucks and cross the street. How am I supposed to do this walk if there are so many people on the street? In the movies the streets always seem to clear for the person doing the windy, sexy walk. Let's try this again.

Okay. I'm walking, and AHHHHH! There's a dead rat on the ground! AHHHH!! I start running, and then I run SMACK into a guy walking in the opposite direction. "Sorry," I tell him, all out of breath. "I was running from a...from, um..." A dead rat, I want to add, but then I realize how weird that would sound. He shakes his head and then moves on.

I give up. I'm going back to my fast, impatient, barrel through tourists walk. It's always served me best.