Thank You for Not Singing in My Ear

I'm standing on the platform waiting for the train, but it hasn't shown up yet. At least three trains going in the opposite direction show up within minutes of each other. By the time my train finally does show up, the platform is completely full. The train operator advises people to make way for the passengers leaving the train, but some people ignore the advice and push and shove their way inside. Yes, that's the right thing to do. Don't wait ten seconds to let other people get off the train before you board it, because OF COURSE the operator is going to suddenly make the train go ZOOM and you'll be clinging to the half-open doors because you didn't get on the train quickly enough. And then you'll be stuck clinging to those doors for dear life while you scream "AAAHHHH!!!" while the other passengers sit blithely in their seats and ignore you, all because you didn't shove a pregnant woman out of the way or cut in front of someone else in order to get onto the train first.

I step onto the train and look around for an empty seat. I see a woman sitting on the aisle seat, and apparently her bookbag needs its own window seat. I ask her politely, "Can I sit there?" She pretends not to to hear me and looks straight ahead until I ask her again and point to the seat beside her. She rolls her eyes at me and takes her bag off the seat. She moves her legs to the side but doesn't bother to stand up so that I can get into the seat. I am tempted to let my purse "accidentally" hit her in the face, but I don't.

The train moves along quietly for a while, and everyone looks tired and grim because it's 8 A.M. and they're headed to work. Everyone except for one guy sitting behind me, who has opened his laptop and decided he is too cool for headphones. He turns up the volume on his computer and starts blasting a pop song that I don't recognize. He has to make sure that we all love it as much as he does, so he starts singing along. But he only knows one line, and sings "Na na na" when the band sings the other lines that he doesn't know.

"I just want to feel you up," he sings. "Na na na na na. I just want to feel you up, woo hoo, oh yeah. Na na na na na na."

This time I roll my eyes and glare in his direction, but the singing guy is oblivious. He starts singing louder as the next song on his computer comes on. And again, he apparently only knows one line, so he treats us to another rendition of "Na na na na na na." Yes, keep singing. In fact, why don't we all sing along? Why don't we all just join hands and sing so loudly that we drown out Singing Guy? No? Guess we're stuck, then.

The woman sitting next to me leaves the train two stops later, and a guy in a business suit takes her place. I'm trying to concentrate on my book, when I feel the guy's leg brush against mine. I move my body away so that we're not touching each other, but his leg keeps bumping into mine. And then his head starts drooping forward, almost like he's trying to look down my blouse. What the hell? Get AWAY from me, you perv. I start to say this out loud to him, but when I look at him I realize that his head is drooping because he's fallen asleep. His head is about two inches away from my shoulder. Would it be rude to wake him up? It's a wonder that he's able to sleep through Singing Guy's off-key sing-a-long.

I look over at a guy sitting across the aisle and notice that he's eating pancakes out of a fast food container. When he's had his fill, he shoves the open container with the half-eaten pancakes under the seat in front of him. Yes. It isn't enough that the train already reeks of urine and body odor; let's just let the food go bad instead of throwing it away. That just makes me want to go out and eat pancakes too. Mmm.

A woman in the back of the train starts screaming. A few of us glance over at her, but most people keep their eyes averted because they don't want to get involved. Is she hurt? What happened?

Apparently nothing. She's staring up at the list of train stops and keeps screaming as she points to each one. "Aaahh! Aaah! Aaah!"

At the next stop, the train operator warns passengers not to hold the automatic doors open. Of course, a group of kids running down the stairs towards the platform yell out, "Hold the door!" Two of them get to the train first and hold the door open for the rest of their laughing friends, who dance a little in front of the train before getting on. Yes, it's SO MUCH FUN to watch you damage the door by holding it open like that. We all want to be delayed because of you. Look around at all the sour faces. We're just THRILLED that you're doing that.

Sure enough, by the next stop the train doesn't start moving again once all the passengers have gotten on, because the jerks who held open the door really did damage it; now it keeps opening and closing. The operator actually has to leave his station and go down the train to fix it, and everyone groans when they hear the disembodied voice announce that the train is being delayed because of technical difficulties. I feel sorry for the operator, whose voice is getting more and more irritated over the loudspeaker as he reminds people not to hold the door open.

I try to ignore everything that's going on around me, and I concentrate on my book instead. And it works a little too well. The story pulls me in so completely that at the end of the chapter I look out the window in confusion. Why am I seeing signs  in Chinese? Oh, NO! I'm in Chinatown! The train passed my stop several pages ago!

I blame the Singing Guy.