Monday, January 15, 2018

The Polyamorous Guy, or Why I Got Dumped for Being Too Neurotic

Recently, I went on a date with a polyamorous guy, who I'll refer to as the Bearded Hipster. I knew that he wasn't monogamous because he mentioned that he and his girlfriend were in an open relationship in his profile. I'd never dated a polyamorous guy before, and I had my reservations. What if I ended up really liking him? I might end up getting hurt, especially because he already had a girlfriend, and I definitely did not want to become his "other" girlfriend.

But on the other hand, after communicating with (and dating) too many guys who wanted to rush into a relationship before I was ready, this guy seemed like a good option for me, at least for now, because there was the possibility of romance and companionship with this guy without a commitment.

We went out for drinks, and we spent a long time talking at the bar. Then we went for a walk in a nearby park. I felt nervous because there was no one else at the park, and it was getting late. This guy didn't scare me, but after all those years in Chicago, I still had that sense of hyper-awareness, which is why I kept a tight grip on my pepper spray in my pocket.

We were standing there, talking in the park, when all of a sudden Bearded Hipster looked down at me, put his arm around my waist, pulled me towards him, and started kissing me. The kiss was basically 50% tongue and 50% his beard. He thought I kept pulling away because I didn't like him, but I was partly pulling away because his facial hair kept getting in my mouth. There's no discreet way to spit out someone else's facial hair, you know? I seriously don't know how those women who are married to those Duck Dynasty Guys kiss their husbands, though at least the Bearded Hipster's beard wasn't as long as theirs was.

While he was kissing me, I thought, I hope he can't smell the onion dip on my breath that I had at lunch today, though I did brush my teeth, floss, and gargle with Listerine afterwards. Wait, why am I thinking about onion dip right now? FOCUS!

The other reason I kept pulling away was because I felt uncomfortable. On most of the other first dates I've had, the guys usually either hugged me goodbye or gave me a good night kiss. Those dates didn't end with a full-on make out session like this one did.

I really was attracted to him, and I wanted to kiss him. I liked kissing him and being in his arms. But I felt overwhelmed, like it was too much too soon.

I'm not naive. I knew he wasn't looking for a long-term relationship, especially since he already had a girlfriend. I knew that he was basically just looking for someone to hook up with, and I must admit that I wanted a casual hookup too (it was my misguided attempt to get over the Model, who I still have feelings for). But I couldn't get myself to relax, and he could tell. He even said that I seemed tense while we were having drinks, which surprised me, because I'd actually been pretty relaxed when we were just talking.

As he walked me to my car, I tried to explain to him that it wasn't his fault, and that I really did like him. But I made the mistake of mentioning the Model (rule number one: NEVER mention someone you used to date while on a first date with someone else) and how I had anxiety about being intimate with someone else. I said I wanted to be with him but that I wanted to slow things down a little. He kissed me good night and said to let him know if I wanted to go out again.

The next day, I texted him, but he didn't answer. Several hours later, I texted him again, and this time he responded. He said that my anxiety was too much for him to deal with, especially since he just wanted to have fun. I've never been rejected by a guy for being too neurotic before, but I guess there's a first time for everything. It did not feel good. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I was a freak. I wished I had let myself just relax and enjoy kissing him, especially because I really did want to kiss him.

It also made me think of the Model and how different he had been from Bearded Hipster. He was well aware of my anxiety, and unlike Bearded Hipster, he didn't judge me for it. He specifically asked me what I was and wasn't comfortable with, and he didn't try to rush me into anything that I didn't want to do.

I know that I am overly sensitive, too uptight, and too neurotic. It's something that I've been trying to work on because I know that if and when another guy tries to kiss me, I don't want to pull away or turn him off, especially if I really do like him and want to kiss him back. But I also know that I'll never be able to completely shed the neurotic part of my personality because it's part of who I am. I need to find someone who accepts me for who I am and doesn't judge me or make me feel bad about it, but after too many dates with the wrong guys, I'm doubtful that there is someone like that out there for me.

It's dates like that one that make me want to swear off dating altogether, or at least cancel my Bumble membership. It doesn't help that just recently some guy sent me a message on Bumble that merely said: "Three-way." It also included a picture of himself and his male friend with their shirts off. Guys like him are the reason the "block" button was invented.

What about you? Has anyone ever judged you for something that was central to your personality or your life?

13 comments:

  1. Hopefully, the next guy you go out with will be just who you're looking for.

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    1. Hi Sandra,
      Thank you! It would be wonderful if that did happen, but unfortunately, I'm losing hope that it will.

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    2. I think everyone feels that way at one time or another.

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  2. Keep getting out there and meeting people. The more people you do, the more you'll know when you've met the right one.

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      Thank you. I know you're right, but I've been thinking about taking a break from dating, at least for a few weeks. I feel like this whole process has made me more and more cynical, and I want to feel hope again.

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  3. I'm not sure what you want here - do you want to just date, or are you looking for a long-term commitment? You say you just want to date, but your behavior shows otherwise.

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    1. Hi Charly,
      I'm not ready to be anyone's girlfriend, let alone wife, right now, but I would like that eventually. But the problem is that some of the guys I dated or talked to online acted like we were already in a relationship (or were close to being in one) when we were still getting to know each other, which I didn't like. So for now, I'd just like to date.

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  4. I used to be pretty neurotic. I’m nowhere near as bad as I used to be all thanks to being married to someone who’s laid back. One thing I realized is we all have quirks. Some are neurotic, some are passive aggressive but those are things you typically find out about your partner - and learn to love the whole package - over time. I say be yourself but you don’t want to be yourself too much on a first date. The point is to score a second date. I love my husband despite his flaws. But if I was confronted with all of them on the first date, it would’ve been too overwhelming. And I’m pretty sure if I came across like the psycho that I am, there wouldn’t have been a second date. I was still myself - but the best version of myself.

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    1. Hi nomdeplume,
      I think you're right about not revealing too much on the first date. I think that was my mistake: I gave him too much personal information about myself, and it overwhelmed him and he decided it would be easier not to handle any of it. I should have stuck to just talking about lighter stuff and relaxed more. Part of me wishes that I could go through the date with Bearded Hipster again and follow your advice; I think it would have gone better. But he's no longer interested, so oh well.

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  5. Just stopped by to say hey and hope you're having a pleasant, productive day.

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    1. Hi Sandra,
      Thanks, and same to you! And it was a decent day, actually. I plan on doing some writing tonight, which is always a good thing. :)

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  6. It's so hard to get the balance right between wanting to date someone casually and yet wanting a bit of spark and tenderness before moving onto making out and more. That certainly shouldn't lead to anyone telling you you have to much anxiety for them! People are so annoying that way. All this rudeness and ghosting and what not. Is it really that difficult to say, I don't think this going to work out, good luck in the future? What happened to basic politeness?

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      I know, right? I admit it is hard to reject someone; I've had to do that in the past, and I admit I took the easy way out by claiming that I was "too busy" to date. However, some guys didn't take the hint, like Boring Bumble Guy, who continued to text me until I finally told him that I had feelings for someone else (the Model). And it is hard to get that balance right. I want to just casually date right now, but I don't want to just jump into the physical stuff right away. That's one thing I liked about the Model: he was willing to go at my pace and didn't make me feel bad about it.

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