A Genuine Connection

I did end up seeing the Model again, and um, another time after that. On the one hand, the rational side of my brain was saying, "You should stop seeing him. You know you want more than what he's offering you." The other side of my brain said, "Dang, he looks really good without his shirt on."

What I felt for him was all-consuming. I'd literally never felt anything this strong for anyone before. It wasn't love. It was desire. Most of the guys I've gone out with have been attractive, but the Model has the kind of looks that literally gets him thousands of likes on every one of the selfies that he posts on Instagram.

The last time I saw him, he answered the door wearing nothing but his underwear. It's a good thing that none of his neighbors saw him because otherwise they would have either whipped out their phones and taken a picture or shrieked, "Cover thyself, devil worshipper!" (College Town is actually pretty conservative for the most part.) When I saw him, I said, "Well, I guess we can forget talking first." He just laughed and then led me to his bedroom, where he immediately started tugging at the button on my jeans.

After that last time, I didn't hear from him again. Initially, my reaction was like this:


via GIPHY

I also spent some time listening to Taylor Swift and Adele's songs about their exes and sniffling, "Their music just speaks to me!" I was tempted to text the lyrics to Alanis Morrissette's song "You Oughta Know" to the Model, but I didn't.

Even though I always knew that whatever happened with the Model was not going to end with "happily ever after" (and to be honest, I don't know if I really believe in a "happily ever after" anymore, at least not for myself), I'd hoped that I'd get to be with him for longer than I was, and it makes me sad that I'll never be with him again.

On the one hand, he has several good qualities. I was always self-conscious of my plus-size frame (my body is more like Mindy Kaling's or Amy Schumer's than one of those Sports Illustrated Models, whom I always want to pinch to see if they're actually robots), but he was never judgmental of me. Instead, he said I was beautiful. I was able to tell him things that I had never told anyone, and I knew that I could trust him with my secrets. He was very patient and kind, except at the end, when he stopped responding to my text messages.

He was very private and rarely opened up to me about his own life. He's led this really interesting life, and I wish that he had told me more about it. I wish we could have had a genuine connection, rather than a mainly physical one.

But for whatever reason, he didn't want that, at least not with me. And I thought that since I wasn't in love with him, it would be easy to just move on and date other guys. But when I look at profiles on Tinder or Bumble now, I don't feel excited at the prospect of meeting someone new; I just feel depressed. (Also, seeing profiles where guys literally write stuff like, "First things first: are you into bondage?" not only makes me roll my eyes but also makes me Google "chastity belts" to see if they still make those.)

I was talking to this one guy on Tinder who seemed to be the opposite of the Model in that he clearly wanted a relationship (Carrie Bradshaw would have called him the Marrying Guy). But that turned me off. Similar to the Artist, he messaged me every day, which irritated me. The second time the Marrying Guy and I messaged each other, he asked me where I wanted to travel someday. When I told him, he said that we could go there together someday. Instead of being charmed, I thought, "We haven't even met yet, and you're already talking about taking a trip together? Slow down there, pal!"

The Marrying Guy was going away soon for a months' long trip for work, which is why I questioned whether we should go on a date since he was leaving and that he might meet someone else while he was gone. He said, "Relationships are based on trust and loyalty." That freaked me out even more. I said that since we hadn't even met in person yet, it was too soon to talk about being exclusive. After I said that, he stopped messaging me, which made me feel relieved.

It also made me wonder if maybe deep down, I really don't want to be in a relationship with anyone.  In most cases, when guys I dated made it clear that they wanted me to be their girlfriend, something inside me recoiled. But on the other hand, if the Model had wanted a serious relationship with me, I would have been more than willing. So I guess it depends on the person you're with, which seems obvious, but I know people who just want to be in a relationship with someone, anyone, just so they won't have to be alone. Being alone doesn't bother me. Being with the wrong person does.

One thing I learned from the Model is that even though physical attraction isn't everything, it does matter. I dated several guys I wasn't really attracted to (like the Artist) but who were "nice enough". But dating someone I'm not attracted to isn't fair to the guy or myself. I want someone who I not only physically desire but who I am happy to hear from and want to talk to every day. I don't want to settle for anything less that, though of course the guy doesn't have to be as good-looking as the Model is. (But dang, he really did look good without his shirt on, sighhh...)

What about you? How important is physical attraction to you when it comes to relationships? Would you have gone out with someone like the Marrying Guy?