Monday, December 11, 2017

A Genuine Connection

I did end up seeing the Model again, and um, another time after that. On the one hand, the rational side of my brain was saying, "You should stop seeing him. You know you want more than what he's offering you." The other side of my brain said, "Dang, he looks really good without his shirt on."

What I felt for him was all-consuming. I'd literally never felt anything this strong for anyone before. It wasn't love. It was desire. Most of the guys I've gone out with have been attractive, but the Model has the kind of looks that literally gets him thousands of likes on every one of the selfies that he posts on Instagram.

The last time I saw him, he answered the door wearing nothing but his underwear. It's a good thing that none of his neighbors saw him because otherwise they would have either whipped out their phones and taken a picture or shrieked, "Cover thyself, devil worshipper!" (College Town is actually pretty conservative for the most part.) When I saw him, I said, "Well, I guess we can forget talking first." He just laughed and then led me to his bedroom, where he immediately started tugging at the button on my jeans.

After that last time, I didn't hear from him again. Initially, my reaction was like this:


via GIPHY

I also spent some time listening to Taylor Swift and Adele's songs about their exes and sniffling, "Their music just speaks to me!" I was tempted to text the lyrics to Alanis Morrissette's song "You Oughta Know" to the Model, but I didn't.

Even though I always knew that whatever happened with the Model was not going to end with "happily ever after" (and to be honest, I don't know if I really believe in a "happily ever after" anymore, at least not for myself), I'd hoped that I'd get to be with him for longer than I was, and it makes me sad that I'll never be with him again.

On the one hand, he has several good qualities. I was always self-conscious of my plus-size frame (my body is more like Mindy Kaling's or Amy Schumer's than one of those Sports Illustrated Models, whom I always want to pinch to see if they're actually robots), but he was never judgmental of me. Instead, he said I was beautiful. I was able to tell him things that I had never told anyone, and I knew that I could trust him with my secrets. He was very patient and kind, except at the end, when he stopped responding to my text messages.

He was very private and rarely opened up to me about his own life. He's led this really interesting life, and I wish that he had told me more about it. I wish we could have had a genuine connection, rather than a mainly physical one.

But for whatever reason, he didn't want that, at least not with me. And I thought that since I wasn't in love with him, it would be easy to just move on and date other guys. But when I look at profiles on Tinder or Bumble now, I don't feel excited at the prospect of meeting someone new; I just feel depressed. (Also, seeing profiles where guys literally write stuff like, "First things first: are you into bondage?" not only makes me roll my eyes but also makes me Google "chastity belts" to see if they still make those.)

I was talking to this one guy on Tinder who seemed to be the opposite of the Model in that he clearly wanted a relationship (Carrie Bradshaw would have called him the Marrying Guy). But that turned me off. Similar to the Artist, he messaged me every day, which irritated me. The second time the Marrying Guy and I messaged each other, he asked me where I wanted to travel someday. When I told him, he said that we could go there together someday. Instead of being charmed, I thought, "We haven't even met yet, and you're already talking about taking a trip together? Slow down there, pal!"

The Marrying Guy was going away soon for a months' long trip for work, which is why I questioned whether we should go on a date since he was leaving and that he might meet someone else while he was gone. He said, "Relationships are based on trust and loyalty." That freaked me out even more. I said that since we hadn't even met in person yet, it was too soon to talk about being exclusive. After I said that, he stopped messaging me, which made me feel relieved.

It also made me wonder if maybe deep down, I really don't want to be in a relationship with anyone.  In most cases, when guys I dated made it clear that they wanted me to be their girlfriend, something inside me recoiled. But on the other hand, if the Model had wanted a serious relationship with me, I would have been more than willing. So I guess it depends on the person you're with, which seems obvious, but I know people who just want to be in a relationship with someone, anyone, just so they won't have to be alone. Being alone doesn't bother me. Being with the wrong person does.

One thing I learned from the Model is that even though physical attraction isn't everything, it does matter. I dated several guys I wasn't really attracted to (like the Artist) but who were "nice enough". But dating someone I'm not attracted to isn't fair to the guy or myself. I want someone who I not only physically desire but who I am happy to hear from and want to talk to every day. I don't want to settle for anything less that, though of course the guy doesn't have to be as good-looking as the Model is. (But dang, he really did look good without his shirt on, sighhh...)

What about you? How important is physical attraction to you when it comes to relationships? Would you have gone out with someone like the Marrying Guy?

11 comments:

  1. I enjoyed reading your thoughts on dating. I'm in my 40s and have never been married. I've put very little effort into dating recently--I think I enjoy single life too much. But I have encountered men who wanted to move way too fast, like one German dude who professed his love for me on our second date (I'm pretty sure he wanted a green card). I've also encountered commitment-phobes...I'm probably the most fearful of commitment of anyone! I don't even want to decide on a tattoo.

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    1. Hi Jennifer,
      Thanks! Writing about my dating experiences helps me make sense of them and figure out what I want and don't want. And whoa, the guy who professed his love on the second date? Too soon! I'd have pretended to be coming down with something before running not-so-discreetly towards the exit.
      Commitment is a big deal, especially with marriage, because not only is it an emotional vow that you're making but also a legal one. I was just thinking about how complicated the legal process can be when a couple gets divorced.

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  2. I think physical attraction is important in the fact that the initial attraction does come physically. The person doesn't have to be all-around hot, but there's usually something that sparks a chemical reaction that leads to the next step, whether that be talking or flirting or going on a date, or more.

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    1. Hi Tara,
      That's a really good way to describe it. And I think that's what those guys who don't post any pictures of themselves in their profiles (and also don't write anything about themselves in their bios) don't seem to get. That is, there has to be something that attracts people to make them want to take that next step, like you said. But on the other hand, I think that one reason a lot of those guys don't post any pictures of themselves in their profiles is because they're "just looking", though some write in their profiles that they will send pictures to their matches "eventually". But I don't want to message someone on a dating app who's essentially faceless at that point.

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    2. I was about to say something similar. It's not that the person is objectively attractive or whatever, but that there's something specific that one person does for the other, whether it's a physical feature or a mannerism or...

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  3. Personally, physical attraction is important, even in a long-term relationship/marriage. It’s not a top priority but you want to have a physical relationship with your partner as well. Some may say it’s shallow, but I say it’s realistic. And I’m not saying the guy has to be a super model or a weightlifter. He just needs to take care of himself. It’s a sign of good health and energy. I’m very active and I want my partner to be active as well.

    Also, there’s no such thing as happily ever after. There’s more than one person out there for us and even the strongest relationships go through tough times. Hubby and I have been married for nearly 11 years but those years included a lot of tough moments - nothing on the level of violence or abuse (which is NOT normal in a relationship), but the typical couple stuff and major life decisions. Will we be together in 11 years? I don’t know. I hope so. But who’s to say what kind of people we’ll be 11 years from now? Our relationship is strong today but there’s no telling what’s around the corner.

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  4. Hi nomdeplume,
    For some reason your comment was e-mailed to me but didn't show up on the blog, so I am copying and pasting what you here:
    Personally, physical attraction is important, even in a long-term relationship/marriage. It’s not a top priority but you want to have a physical relationship with your partner as well. Some may say it’s shallow, but I say it’s realistic. And I’m not saying the guy has to be a super model or a weightlifter. He just needs to take care of himself. It’s a sign of good health and energy. I’m very active and I want my partner to be active as well.

    Also, there’s no such thing as happily ever after. There’s more than one person out there for us and even the strongest relationships go through tough times. Hubby and I have been married for nearly 11 years but those years included a lot of tough moments - nothing on the level of violence or abuse (which is NOT normal in a relationship), but the typical couple stuff and major life decisions. Will we be together in 11 years? I don’t know. I hope so. But who’s to say what kind of people we’ll be 11 years from now? Our relationship is strong today but there’s no telling what’s around the corner.

    My response: I think that a lot of people (myself included) grow up believing in the happy endings that are promoted in the movies and in fairy tales. But the thing is that people in real life aren't like the people in those stories; it's all scripted to end the way writers want it to. Nevertheless, it is hard to accept that the happily ever after that's depicted in those stories doesn't match up with reality.
    And I totally agree with what you said about the importance of taking care of one's appearance in order to attract others. That's why I keep forking over money for gym memberships, and I've actually started watching beauty vloggers on YouTube for makeup tutorials (I had no idea putting on makeup was so complicated!).

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  5. Attraction is definitely a large component in a relationship, isn't it?

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    1. Hi Sandra,
      It definitely is. Unfortunately, in my case, it's usually a one-sided attraction, meaning either the guy is attracted to me but I don't feel the same way, or vice versa.

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  6. Duuude, Marrying Guy sounds kinda creepy. That's a lot to put into a message with someone you've never met. And it's just weird.

    I'm sorry about Model, though! I understand what it's like to have a guy genuinely be into you when you're rocking a shape closer to Mindy Kaling (who is glorious, btw). I wish I had good advice, but I don't at all. Instead I'll commiserate, I had my own share of guys I connected to and then, bam, nothing.

    I think attraction *is* an important part of a relationship, but it can evolve and change. Sometimes when you're really in love with someone that attraction can maintain through some crazy shit.

    Best of luck with figuring out what you want.

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    1. Hi Caitlin,
      I know, right? And he's not the only one like that; I've talked to several guys on Tinder who say right off the bat that they're looking for someone that they can spend the rest of their lives with. When I say that I'd just like to go on dates and see what happens, those guys automatically reject me. I think it's a red flag when they immediately want to rush into a relationship, especially when we haven't met yet. I think that relationships take time to develop, over the course of several weeks or even months of dating.
      And thanks for your supportive words. I've been feeling pretty sad about how it ended with the Model and the fact that it ended, period. I read somewhere that somehow it's often easier for guys to detach after intimacy than women; I wish I could be like that, so that it'd be easier to get over him.

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