Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Not Gay, Just a Workaholic

Recently, I went to visit my parents for a few days. My mother told me about some guy that she wants to set me up with, who has a white-collar job with a large salary. I suspect that since she couldn't convince me to give up my underpaid teaching jobs in academia, she thinks that I might as well marry someone who's overpaid. I was tempted to tell her that if I cared that much about being rich, I wouldn't have become an English teacher. But I didn't, though I did reject her attempt to set me up with that guy.

Later, she asked me if I was gay. She doesn't like or understand why I'm in my thirties and unmarried, while her friends and relatives' daughters, many of whom are younger than I am, are already married with children or are engaged. I told her, "No, I'm not gay. Just a workaholic."

I will admit that it's been more than a year since I went on a date. I went on a date with someone in Small Town last year (no comment on that one). And towards the end of grad school, I did have what Millennials call a "situationship" with a guy that I met, not on an online dating site, but through casual acquaintances. By "situationship" I mean it was not quite a serious relationship but it was definitely more serious than a friendship.

I didn't blog much about him, although I think I referred to him as He Who Shall Not Be Named. Although we did care about each other, we were very different and ended up disappointing each other again and again. I haven't talked to him since I moved to Small Town, although I'm sometimes curious about how he's doing (but definitely not curious enough to friend him on Facebook or call him on the phone).

In Small Town, most of the men I've met are married or have girlfriends. Not to mention I knew that my time here had an expiration date, and part of me thought that there wasn't much point in trying to start something with anyone around here when I would be leaving sooner rather than later.

My contract at my new school is for one year, but it's renewable, which is pretty typical for untenured jobs. My new employer said that some of the untenured faculty in their department have been there for many years, which gives me hope that I might get to stick around longer this time.

That's why, now that I'm moving to College Town, I've started thinking that maybe I should try dating again. Some of you have suggested Meetup, which I'm interested in trying. I might also try online dating again, despite my previous experiences that weren't so great, like the guy who made up an excuse to leave our date early (and left me with the bill for dinner), or the guy who waited a month to call me after our one date and then insulted me for turning him down for a second date, or the online dating profiles from guys who ranted about being "nice guys" who couldn't get dates from superficial women whose standards were too high (I think that their definition of "nice" and my definition of "nice" are very different, but I digress.)

I kept putting off dating again because of my stressful work schedule and because I wanted to wait until I got back down to a size 8 (unfortunately, I gained weight after moving to Small Town, but I've since lost half the weight that I gained). I also reasoned that in academia, you can't be too picky about where you live; you have to go where the work is. And if you're single and get a good job opportunity halfway across the country like I did, you have the freedom to just pack up and go, without worrying about how it'll affect your significant other or your relationship with that person. But there's always going to be an excuse not to date, and I'm tired of making excuses.

After I move to College Town, get settled, and get used to the daily grind of life at my new school, I'm going to try dating again. I've thought about trying Tinder, since that's the big dating app these days. I thought it was just for hookups (which I'm NOT interested in), but more than one of my friends have met their significant others through Tinder.

What about you? If you are/were single, what are possible reasons you have/had about being reluctant to date again? Have you heard anything about Tinder?

12 comments:

  1. I get asked if I'm gay a lot too, because I don't date and don't want to get married. You don't have to feel guilty for being single. I just decided that I'm not the kind of person that likes being in a couple. I'm just fine on my own. Maybe if I meet the right person someday, but I like being single. Like you said, we have the freedom to just pick and leave. I like that. Plus, my special needs pup gives me all the drama I need. I don't have space for someone's else's crap.

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    1. Hi Murees,
      Sometimes I don't want to date either; I don't like having my mind occupied with thoughts of someone else instead of work (I am a workaholic after all). There are definitely a lot of perks to being single, but it's hard to explain that to my mother; she's very traditional and doesn't approve of my single status.

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  2. You have the right to do, and be with, what/whoever you want, and not feel guilted into it. I definitely think you deserve some fun after working so hard recently - who knows what they MAY turn into.

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      I wish that my mother had the same perspective as you do; she and my father believe that they have the right to tell me what to do and get upset if I don't obey them (and I usually don't). Hopefully online dating will be fun this time around; at the very least, I'll be sure to blog about it.

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  3. Online dating has gone traditional. I recently went to my niece's wedding to a really great guy she met through an online dating app (can't remember which one.) She put it really well, saying: "I don't go to bars, I don't go to church, so how else am I going to meet anyone?" Makes sense to me! My daughter also met her husband online. She was about to give up though after having a few less than satisfactory dates, then she thought she'd give it one more try and Bingo!

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    1. Hi Karen,
      Your niece is definitely right about online dating. I don't go to bars to meet guys either, partly because the guys who go there to meet women are (more often than not) looking for something that is the opposite of what I'm looking for. I've been thinking that this might be my last try at online dating. I've tried it several times before and have dated more guys than I care to count, but hopefully it'll be better this time around. Fingers crossed.

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  4. Good observation on Small Town. College Town sounds like you will find someone closer to your own ambitions and intelligence.

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    1. Hi Susan,
      Thanks! And I hope that I do find someone special in College Town; so far, I've mostly just dated guys who made me feel like I wasn't special.

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  5. It's so hard when our families have expectations about our lives that don't quite fit in with where we're at. They (usually) mean well, but it's still not fun.

    Good luck with your move!

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    1. Hi Sonia,
      I'm sorry about my late reply; I've been working extra hours at my second job all weekend. And thanks! I hope the move goes smoothly. And you're right about families. My parents' expectations have typically been the opposite of how I actually want to live my life, and it's pretty much always been like that.

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  6. I haven't been single for a long, long time, but I loved meeting guys at church-sponsored dances, and through other social events I ended up at. Of course, I was young and fearless then. Not sure I'd be up for that these days. That poetry reading thing, or other live, interest-based events would seem a good place for finding people.

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    1. Hi Crystal,
      A church-sponsored dance sounds nice; I wish they had them at the churches I've attended. I liked going to poetry readings at towns and cities near Small Town. There were a lot of cute hipster guys at those readings; I talked to several of them. They were really nice, and what made them even nicer to me was that they wrote poetry. :)

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