Recently, I was at a bar with some friends when a couple of them started teasing me about how much soda I drink. I told one of them (who I shall refer to in this blog as Guy Friend) that I've actually been drinking a lot less soda lately, which is true. One reason is that I'm trying to lose weight. Another reason is that when I drink too much soda the walls start moving.
But Guy Friend didn't believe me. Neither did my other friend, who said that he pictured me with an IV full of soda. I didn't say anything about the fact that most of the time, the majority of these friends only want to go to bars and drink beer. I figure, if they want to drink all that alcohol, it's their prerogative, their money, and their livers.
But I don't like bars, and I don't like alcohol either. I go anyway, because I enjoy these people's company, and I just want to be their friend. I usually just buy a soda, because it's cheaper, comes with free refills, and is less likely to cause me to slap myself in the face (which is what happened the one time I drank a cocktail several months ago).
I also don't like being made fun of. At one point, I started arguing with them, and I raised my voice (though I didn't yell). The others looked uncomfortable, so I left early. Later, I texted Guy Friend and I told him how much it bothered me when he said that he and the other friends had been talking about how "concerned" they were about me. They were "concerned" because I mentioned that I ate cookies for dinner one night; they thought I ate too much junk food. What they didn't know was that I ate cookies that night because I had no other food in my apartment; I wasn't getting paid until the next day and did not have enough money to buy more food; I was hungry, so I ate the cookies. I did not appreciate their "concern," or the fact that they talked about me behind my back.
I explained that to Guy Friend, and he apologized. A couple weeks later, he gave me a DVD as an "I'm sorry" gift, and I did appreciate that. But then that same night, when we were at another bar, I mentioned that I had to leave early in order to go home and finish work for my website job. I asked them if they knew where the waitress was so that I could pay for my soda. Small Town Guy said that he would pay for my bill and that I didn't have to repay him, though ultimately, Guy Friend paid it.
When I thought about it later, I realized that I felt uncomfortable with either of them (or anyone else) paying my tab. It would have been one thing if it was my birthday, because then it would be a gift. But on any other day, I DON'T let my friends pay my tab, because that's like asking them for money, which is something that I have never done and will never do.
I've worked multiple jobs since I was twenty-two, because I am determined to stand on my own two feet. When I finally had to take out a loan during my last two years of grad school, it was only because I was desperate to finish my dissertation and started having panic attacks from working so hard at all those jobs. But I was angry at myself for not being able to pay for everything on my own, especially because it meant being in debt for the next 15-20 years.
I didn't say anything to Small Town Guy that night, because we were all celebrating a big promotion he got at work. But what I wanted to say was, "I may not be as rich or as successful as you are, but I don't need your charity." I also wished that it hadn't happened in front of New Girl (aka Cruella de Vil) who also has a much more prestigious job than I do, which I suspect is one of the reasons she has never been friendly to me. I don't even try to talk to her anymore at social events, and she ignores me too. (Side note: She's having a big Christmas party soon and invited everyone except me. When I found out, I felt tempted to buy a bunch of toilet paper and TP her house the day of the party.)
I texted Small Town Guy and told him that I didn't need him to pay my tab in the future, because I worked hard and could pay for my own stuff. He never answered. I put a few bucks in an envelope and went to Guy Friend's office during my lunch break, dropping the money off with the secretary. He didn't say anything about it either.
I know it wasn't a big deal to any of them, but it was to me. I felt embarrassed. I know they thought they were just doing me a favor, and I shouldn't have let them pay my tab in the first place. I should have just given them the money to give to the waitress. But I don't think they would understand. They got to hang out at the bar for as long as they wanted and buy as many drinks as they wanted, while I had to go home and work late for my second job, so that I could afford to buy something other than cookies.
What about you? Have you ever felt self-conscious about money or around rich friends?
Crafts and Nature Photos and Michael Palin
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3 days ago
It's a soda. He was trying to be nice. You are resenting them for having more money than you. I get it. It's fucking infuriating. You were right to be honest to him about your hurt feelings when he made a crack about your eating and drinking habits. He was being insensitive. However, he listened to what you were saying, apologized, and tried to make amends. If he didn't care about you as a friend, he wouldn't have gone through the trouble. And Small Town Guy paid for your tab because it's a goddamn soda and it's okay for friends to do that for each other sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHi L,
DeleteI know that friends do that for each other. The thing is that I prefer to pay my own way, especially if I can't afford to reciprocate (i.e., I can't afford to pay for his drinks). That's just my personal preference, and I have a right to it.
In Britain, it's quite common to pay in rounds (ie. one person pays for the first round of drinks, another for the second etc) Occasionally, I miss out on paying anything at all, because of the way the evening has fallen. It might be a couple of months before we meet again, and if I remember, I'll try to get the first, but sometimes I don't... But, we're friends, so it doesn't matter.
ReplyDeleteI'd never want to be the person who never pays, but the odd time is okay... In fact, it's quite nice that someone wants to do that for me (or you, or anyone) x
Hi Annalisa,
DeleteActually, several of my friends also take turns paying for rounds of drinks, especially if they're all sharing a pitcher of beer or something. But I never drink any of the alcohol, so I always keep a separate tab. I just felt embarrassed because I don't want people to think that I can't pay my own tab.
I think it was ok for him to pay for the sofa. People do it all the time. You could just say, "next time, I'll buy you a drink." Just one drink, though. I wouldn't look at it as a charity case. It's just a part of being friends. Now if you had a huge tab, I could understand. And I get your need for independence - I'm the same way, too. But you have to let people do these things once in a while, especially if it's a $2 soda. As for going out in the future, just stick to water. I'm a runner and an accountant so not only do I not need alcohol, but I'm too cheap to spend $7 on a beer when I could get a six pack of the same for $10. So usually when I go out to a bar, which is rare, I get water. I'm not a soda person anyway, so that's never a temptation. People know that I'm healthy and frugal so I don't get made fun of. If you really want to cut back on your soda intake, you could use that as an excuse - you're trying to be healthy. And you don't even have to mention the money. I can't imagine anyone would make fun of you for trying to be healthy and if you keep it up, they may even find it inspiring. Most people can't even achieve that. So there you go. Problem solved. And if they do make fun of you, take a lesson from Obama and play along. If they're truly just trying to be mean, they won't like that so they probably won't do it again. But I suspect they're just giving you a hard time so if anything, it could just become your "thing." And that always makes for funny stories later.
ReplyDeleteHi nomdeplume,
DeleteThose are all really great suggestions, and actually, I've been drinking a lot more water lately, which is why just seeing people drink soda on TV makes my mouth water. :) I can't order water at bars, though; in this town, the staff usually makes people order food or drinks, or they won't be allowed to stay. So I always opt for the soda because it's the cheapest one. I can't really afford to buy a drink for friends, though, because their drinks are more expensive. Socializing in general is kind of expensive, which is why I often have to stay home or work extra hours in order to afford it.
We live in a neighborhood where people bought these houses BECAUSE they're big an nice. We bought one because WE HAVE 4 kids--two of whom are teens. I've never been so house poor, and when comparing to everyone around us, whew! But I'm content with what we have...if I can just figure out how to clean this whole place without killing myself. My parents always encouraged us to be frugal, and I can be frugal with the best of them. It's hard when your resources don't stretch far enough, but I find living on a tight budget makes it easier.
ReplyDeleteHi Crystal,
DeleteI must admit that I look at some of those big, fancy houses longingly too. I've always had this fantasy of having my own house someday with a big backyard, a front porch, and walls that I don't have to share with neighbors. Frugality can be a good thing, I think, because it teaches us to value what we can afford to buy.
I've been self-concious about money since I was twelve and didn't have money for lunch. My best friend would buy me lunch some times from the money she got from her parents. I appreciated it because I was hungry, but I was embarrassed, too, because she's do it in front of all of her cheerleading friends.
ReplyDeleteHi Chrys,
DeleteThat was nice of your friend to do that, but I can understand where you're coming from. Like you, I felt embarrassed in front of the other people there that night, because they all make a lot of money. I normally don't mind the fact that I don't make a lot of money (I am a teacher, after all, and teachers don't get to work their way up to being rich), but when I'm around wealthier people, I feel self-conscious about it.
That's a really tough situation. My friends and I sometimes catch a coffee for the other, but we're all in mostly the same financial situation (both parents working, still scraping by to pay for kids' needs).
ReplyDeleteI felt incredibly embarrassed when my husband's sisters, parents, and aunt all planned to go to Disney. When one of my SILs decided to get married while they were down there, we said we'd drive down for the night then have to go back home. We were in Georgia at the time, but my in-laws ended up paying for Disney tickets for the four of us. It was an amazing experience, my only time at Disney, but I felt so out of place since everyone else had actually paid their own way.
Hi Caitlin,
DeleteThat was nice of your in-laws to buy the tickets for you, but I understand how you felt about it. I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the Disney experience either (though I must admit that the long lines would seem much longer to me now than when I was a kid), but I would have preferred to buy my own ticket too.
I think it's partly a cultural thing; that is, in America, it seems like so many desirable things and experiences are so expensive, yet we're expected to somehow come up with the money for all of them on our own, which is much easier said than done.