Monday, July 29, 2013

I Can Take a Hint

Yesterday I received a brief e-mail from the guy I met on match.com. He wrote that he "didn't think we were a great match."

Maybe I shouldn't have written back, but I did. I didn't write, "Oh yeah? Well, at least I don't walk AND talk like a robot!" Instead, I wrote that I already knew we weren't a good match since it had been a week since our date and I hadn't heard from him. I also added that he didn't need to e-mail me.

On match.com, people can send "rejection" e-mails to people that they're not interested in. I've received a few myself, and I must admit that I've sent a few to guys who kept winking at me and e-mailing me even after I didn't respond the first time. Match.com will write the rejection for you; that is, you can choose responses like, "I just don't think we're a good match," (sounds like that guy plagiarized match.com, but I'm just SAYING) or "I've met someone else and I want to see how it goes." But I've never received a rejection e-mail after I already went on a date with the guy.

I'm not sure why he felt the need to e-mail me in the first place. As I mentioned in my last post, he left a message soon after our date to let me know that he had fun. Based on my past experience, if a guy contacts me right after the date, that means he wants to see me again. So the next day I texted him to say hi, and I suggested that we meet again if he had any more free time. He said he'd let me know, which to me felt like the kiss of death.

I didn't hear from him again after that. Did he think that I spent all week waiting by the phone for him to call? Did I continue to e-mail, text, and call him incessantly? Did I send him pictures of myself in different wedding gowns with a note that said, "Which one do you like best?" Did I send him a copy of the movie Fatal Attraction with a note that said, "This film is so inspiring"? Did I e-mail him to say, "I just happened to be outside your apartment with binoculars last night, and I saw you through the window. Did you get your hair cut?" NO! I didn't do any of those things.

Since he never asked me out again, and since I didn't hear from him all week, I figured that was a not-so-subtle hint that he wasn't interested. I was disappointed, but I wasn't heartbroken. To be honest, during the date I didn't feel that thing you're supposed to feel when you make a connection with someone. On the other hand, I was willing to give him another chance to see if anything more were to develop. He wasn't willing to give me another chance, though, so within a few days of our date, I was back on match.com to see who else was out there. And he would've been able to see when I was online.

I thought he was a nice guy, and I thought the date was nice, too. But now when I look back on this what I'll remember is that last e-mail, and that just ruins it all for me.

(Side note: The guy's name also happens to be the same name as my main character's love interest in one of my manuscripts, though I named that character long before I met that guy. I was tempted to change the name, but I'm not going to let him ruin the character for me too.)

What do you think? Do you think it's necessary to let someone know you're not interested after you've gone on a date? If you do, how have you done it? (I'm curious about this for future reference, in case I ever end up going out with someone who can't take a hint.)

18 comments:

  1. Hmm, that's a tricky one. I suppose he thought writing to say something was more polite than just saying nothing but I would agree it's not really necessary.

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    1. Hi Rachel,
      You're right; I think he thought he was being polite. But I think it would've only been necessary for him to send that e-mail if I had kept contacting him. But I hadn't contacted him all week, and I wasn't planning on talking to him again.

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  2. I can see sending the note as a way to make sure the other person isn't waiting around or isn't confused. But, dating is a series of arrows jabbing you. Good luck!

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    1. Hi Libby,
      Dating can be painful, especially when I really like someone who doesn't like me back. But with this guy, I didn't even really like him.

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  3. This post made me laugh out loud. I love the idea of the wedding dresses... oh, the short story collection you could write just about Match.com...???

    Sounds like this guy had a bit of an ego on him that made him feel the need to send that email. Good to see you'd already moved on... perhaps that was his problem?

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    1. Hi Annalisa,
      I copied and pasted the weirdest profiles that I've seen on match.com and other sites into a Word document; I figure that they're good sources of material for a story too.
      I think this guy had a very large ego to think that I was waiting by the phone for him to call, especially since I hadn't even tried to contact him in a week. I hadn't even been thinking about him, but he must have had such a high opinion of himself that he assumed that I was.

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  4. Wow girl. Some guys can have no tact. You deserve better. Good luck!

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    1. Hi Tammy,
      I know, right? And I think I do deserve better. I deserve a guy who makes me happy, not someone like the guy I described in this post.

      Delete
  5. Definitely tricky. I wonder why *he* waited a week - was he dangling someone else and thinking that he'd keep her or you as a backup? People are so weird. If he was nice enough to write the day after the date, I would have thought he wanted to meet up again, too!

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    1. Hi Deniz,
      I'm not sure why he waited a week either. If he had responded with the line about how we weren't a good match right after I suggested a second date, then I would have understood. But it doesn't make much sense to wait a week before sending that message, especially since I hadn't tried to contact him again.

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  6. I agree with Libby - I think maybe he wanted to be honest and just let you know, instead of fading you out. Maybe he's been in a position before where he really liked someone and she just never contacted him again, and he didn't want anyone else to go through that?

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    1. Hi Julie,
      I've been in a situation where I really liked a guy, and then I never heard from him again. With this guy, I think his timing was off. If he was going to send a message like that, he shouldn't have waited a week. What bothered me was that it felt like he assumed I was waiting for him to call, which I wasn't.

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  7. I'm with you. If he emailed right away that would have been one thing, but to wait a week isn't good for anyone, least of all you.

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    1. Hi Melanie,
      You're right that waiting a week wasn't good; I'm starting to think that maybe Deniz was right. That is, maybe he was trying to make up his mind about me and it took him all week. But I don't want to be with someone who is doubtful about dating me. I want to be with someone who knows what he wants.

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  8. I don't know... Maybe if I knew the context in his e-mail, I could make a better call on this, but I sort of think he did the decent thing to let you know.

    On the other hand, he could have manned up and done it sooner. :-/

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    1. Hi Misha,
      I would have been okay with it if he had done it sooner; it would have made more sense that way. If this had happened with the other guys I've dated, it wouldn't have seemed unusual, but it never happened before.

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  9. So long as you've both been genuine, I think it's obvious to both parties that there's no spark there.

    I'd keep the name in your book. Funny coincidence!

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    1. Hi Emily,
      I think that his e-mail would have bothered me more if I had felt a spark, but I didn't. And I do like that name; it's hard for me to picture the character with a different one.

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