Monday, March 4, 2013

The Wrong Kind of Workaholic

Recently I had a meeting with two of the professors from my dissertation committee. They wanted to meet with me because they are both concerned about my lack of progress on my dissertation. Technically, I am at least two years behind many of my classmates. Several (though not all) of them are already on the job market, and I am still struggling to develop a solid argument for my dissertation.

It isn't like I haven't tried. I have spent countless hours studying, poring over articles and books until it felt like my eyes were going to fall out of my head. I have submitted draft after draft to my professors.

But no matter what I write, it isn't good enough. One of my professors commented on the fact that academically, I was behind many of my classmates when I first started the Ph.D. program. My other professor, who I had taken classes with when I was in the M.A. program, said that he could tell that I'd been struggling, and that the work I had been producing in the last year had not been as good as the work I used to produce. He said that he'd asked himself what had happened to me since I had written the papers that had impressed him when I was an M.A. student.

For a moment I was terrified that they would tell me to drop out. I was afraid that they would say, "You've screwed up too much this time. There's nothing more we can do to help you."

They didn't say that. But they did warn me about how difficult it would be for me to find a job if and when I completed my degree. They told me about other graduate students who struggled to find a tenure-track job at a research university, or even a job as a lecturer at a community college, even though they had done everything right: they had published articles in scholarly journals; they had presented their research at conferences; they had written stellar dissertations (or novels, if they were creative writing majors). I had done none of those things, which means that it will be much, much harder for me to find something.

I felt what I'd been feeling for a long time now: shame and sadness that I haven't accomplished as much as my peers and that I'd let my professors and myself down. I also felt guilt for not always studying as much as I could have, because I was the wrong kind of workaholic: I spent more time on my paying jobs than on my academic work.

What kind of accomplishments could I point to, in order to show my professors how I hadn't been wasting my time and how I really had worked hard? I thought about the nine-hour shifts I'd worked at the clothing store, and how I once received a prize for my efficiency and speed at completing my tasks. I thought of how I was praised by my supervisors at the Tourist Trap for convincing customers to buy more souvenirs than they originally planned to buy. I thought of my supervisors at my website job, who recently commended me for the work I was doing. I wanted to say that most of my peers had more time to study because they relied on spouses or loans, but now they had six-figure debts that they would have to spend the next twenty years paying off. I, on the other hand, do not have debts from student loans because I was so determined to support myself; the trade-off, though, was that I spent more time working than studying.

I wanted to tell my professors about the positive evaluations I'd received from my students, and the way that I felt when I stood at the front of a classroom. I wanted to tell them about how several of my students signed up for more than one class with me, and how others had approached me on the last day of class and told me how much they had learned and what they had enjoyed.

I wanted to tell my professors about the friends that I'd lost because I spent so much time working, and how only a few close friends who understood what I was going through now remained. I also felt tempted to tell them about the guys who'd cared about me, but I had pushed them all away, because the one thing that always came first in my heart was my work. I truly was "married to the job".

I wanted to tell them that I wouldn't have done all this work, made all of these sacrifices, or suffered more than I ever thought I would if I wasn't still committed to completing my degree. I tried to tell them some of this, but it didn't come out right. And it wouldn't have mattered, either, because what matters to academics is the work that you've done as an academic, not all the other stuff.

It wasn't always this hard. When I was an undergraduate, I received scholarships for my work as an English major. I graduated magna cum laude. When I was in the M.A. program, some of my professors praised my writing. I wasn't working two or three jobs back then.

But after I got my master's degree, something in me kept me from going straight into the PhD program. I wanted to be completely sure that it was what I wanted. So I spent a few years teaching high school students and college students at other schools. I also worked in retail and at various other jobs.

When I finally went into the PhD program, things went downhill. Even though as a professor I will teach undergraduate courses on literature and writing, as a scholar I am expected to write articles and books that have little (if anything) to do with literature; instead, they have to focus on critical theory. And THAT is my biggest problem. I spent so long pretending to understand what seemed to come so easily to everyone else, and my professors made it clear that I hadn't fooled them.

They told me that in addition to taking next year to finish the dissertation, I will need to take another year to complete it. The problem is that this was supposed to be my final year, but last year, when I submitted a draft of my argument, they said that I would need to take another year in addition to this one. Now they're saying that I will have to take yet another year, which puts me two years behind everyone else.

They said that I have to rework the draft that I turned in and work as quickly as possible to turn in a better one soon. They said I still had a lot of research to do, and looked doubtful that I would finish it before the end of the term. I sat there trying not to cry, and then I had to wait through the long commute home before I could finally cry in private.

I'm going to keep trying, but sometimes I wish that I hadn't gone to graduate school. I wish that I had allowed myself to have more of a LIFE outside of my work, because then maybe I wouldn't have lost several of my friends. Then maybe I would be in a happy relationship with a guy; maybe I'd even be married and have kids, like so many other people my age. Maybe I could have pursued a different career, instead of a career that makes me overqualified and underqualified for most jobs outside of academia.

How do you deal with failure? Have you ever had a professor or employer tell you that your work wasn't good enough? Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to peers who are more successful? How do you deal with it?

P.S. I'm sorry this post is kind of depressing. I usually try to write posts that are funny and upbeat, but I didn't really feel like that type of post would be honest right now.

22 comments:

  1. That's tough and I'm sorry it was such a hard meeting. Sometimes there's value to knowing when to walk away, but you've invested so much time, effort and resource in your master's program that I know that would be next to impossible. Wish I had better advice for you. Maybe the best thing I can say is don't be too hard on yourself and keep in mind that those two professors aren't the final arbiters on your worth as an academic or a person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Johanna,
      Thank you for your advice; I appreciate it! When I was in the PhD program for a year or two, I met other grad students from other schools who had dropped out. At the time, I couldn't understand why they did it. But now I understand their choices better. I don't want to drop out, but I also don't want to be asked to leave either. I just wish that I could fast-forward to when I'm already done with all of this.

      Delete
  2. No point beating yourself up - what's done is done. All you can do is just move on. It WILL get better! You'll just need to weigh up your options - is a debt-free life worth it in the end? If you were to approach loan providers right now, you'd be able to free up your time in exchange for a speedier degree and some debt, which you might (or might not) pay off in a couple of years. I'm not saying that getting into debt is what you should most definitely be doing; I'm just saying that something's got to give (unfortunately), and you don't want to waste all that effort you've put into your studies. It might have to be one of the jobs you have.

    But seriously, it does get better. Try to remember why you're doing your studies, and power through. The sun will peek through the dark clouds at some point!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susie Q,
      Thanks for the encouragement; it helps, especially after what I've been going through lately. I did apply for a loan, and I'll find out whether or not I got it in April or May. I'm crossing my fingers that the loan will be approved, because I really do want and need more time to work on my dissertation. That's why if I do get the loan, I most likely will not be teaching as much (or at all, depending on how big the loan is).

      Delete
  3. Graduate school will put you through the ringer. Our department advertised for the longest time that we were a five year program. Only one person in the five years that I've been here has finished in that amount of time. A third have managed to finish in 6 years, but the rest took 7 years or longer. I'm not sure how much time I have left—I've been writing chapter after chapter, but my advisor is waiting until I have a full draft of the diss before we talk about big picture revisions. Sucky meetings suck—but you can pull through this. Keep your head up and keep going. It may be that you need to take time off from part time jobs, or find a different part time job (like teaching at a community college) that lets you use some of the same brain muscles that you need for your diss. As for your friends leaving you—if they can't understand what you need to do in order to finish your degree, they weren't worth your time. I've lost plenty of friends over the years (including some I met in the program), and it hurts, so I understand your frustration. At the same time, you have to be around people that are healthy for you and don't take more energy to maintain than they give back.

    As for the job market—don't feel like you don't stack up because of publications and what not. There aren't jobs in our field, period. We just have to make the most of what we got. A lectureship or job outside of academia is nothing to be ashamed about, no matter what your advisors may tell you. All that you can control is your writing, and even that depends on other things like emotional energy. Feel free to email if you want a buddy to do word sprints or if you want someone to look over a draft.

    You can do it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anna,
      Thank you for your advice; you know what I'm going through, because you're living the academic life too. It sounds like you're doing well with your dissertation, because you're focused on your goal.
      Before I went to graduate school, I honestly thought I would be done with the PhD by now. I probably won't be teaching next year; my funding runs out this year, and there aren't any more classes available for next year. I just hope that my loan is approved, so that I don't have to get another part-time job like retail (NO!).
      I wouldn't mind a lectureship, because at least then I'd get a regular salary and health insurance. It always bothered me that I was able to get health insurance as a part-time salesperson when I worked in retail, but I couldn't get health insurance as a part-time college instructor.
      I just might take you up on your kind offer to do word sprints or look over a draft. Right now I'm still working on developing an argument. I just hope that my director will finally approve it, so that I can show it to the rest of my committee. I'm really anxious to just move on with the rest of the dissertation, so that I can finally finish grad school and move on with my life.

      Delete
    2. I hear you on finishing. The first thing I did when I got in the program was look at the schedule for completing the degree, and then I organized my life from the first day so that I could finish in that amount of time.

      HA!

      I thought I would be finishing in May of this year. I'll have a draft by that time, but I have at least another year of revisions after that. No publications, save for a few book reviews. I have no great love for graduate school (as a process, not the getting a degree part). I had my first panic attack while I was trying to figure out my argument, and since then, every ounce of extra energy I have has gone toward not having another one—seriously. What helped for me was figuring out the authors I wanted to work with, and then constructing an argument around that. It's a different process for everybody though. You might also look at your bookshelf and see what critical texts you tend to read "for fun"—the ones that you check out from the library because you think they might be interesting. When I showed my director a draft of my comps exam list, and told where I thought I wanted to go with my research, he urged me to reconsider because it was clear to him that my commitments were elsewhere based on what I had been reading. It's kind of like when your car tires are skidding—you turn into the skid, not away from it, to try to gain control.

      Delete
  4. Oh how I know your pain. I am in my 3rd semester of my English Associates degree and thought I was doing okay until tonight. Tonight I received an email saying I was not doing well in two classes and needed to speak with an adviser regarding the next half of the semester.

    Apparently my English papers aren't up to par, as well as Math. I haven't gotten to the point of crying, but I am sick to my stomach. However, I have a wonderful husband who has told me he's not going to let me quit and that things would work out.

    So here I am telling you things will work out , and just keep reminding yourself of your final goal, make sure its what YOU want to do , take a step back and start again tomorrow, I am..

    Debi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Debi,
      That's great that your husband is supportive of your goals; it helps to have someone who is there for you. I hope that things will work out for you at school. Do they have tutoring services and/or a Writing Center at your school? I struggled with math when I was in college, and I had to go to tutors.
      Thank you for your encouragement. I hope that things will work out, because I really do want to get my PhD.

      Delete
  5. Thanks, yes they do have a writing center, I tend to frequent often. I will be talking to an adviser today about dropping math and starting over next semester, as I understand that less and writing more. There is one math tutor who is there 3 days a week and I maje sure to see her, because she explains it in a way I understand. The trick is remembering it from the tutor to the test.


    Debi

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sorry you're going through such touch times right now. Even though you didn't articulate all your non-academia accomplishments to your professors, I'm glad you see them.

    I'm not an academic so can't totally relate, but when I was an investment consultant I had a similar experience in an annual review with my mentor and the owner of the firm - they listed off their disappointments in me and essentially told me I had three months to prove myself or I was out. Luckily my office was a short walk down the hall so I could shut my door & cry. It sucked. But sometimes I think we need to get a smack across the face like that to finally do what we know we should be doing. I needed that slap to realize that I needed to get serious about my job. You've been struggling for a while to balance work & school and now you know you need to make the choice, so you will, and a year from now you'll be very glad you did.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Nicki,
      What happened to you at your investment consultant job was definitely brutal, and I'm sorry that happened to you. And that must have been a lot of pressure, too, being given a deadline like that. But it's good that you learned from it, and I hope to learn from my experience too. Balancing work and school has been a struggle for me for years. I don't entirely regret not applying for loans earlier, though; I know how much I can expect to earn when I finally finish my PhD, and it won't be a lot, at least not at first. So having that extra debt would be very stressful. But I do regret that I didn't make more time for studying.
      But like you said, it helps me realize what I need to do. I still am not entirely sure what my argument for my dissertation will be (I thought I knew, but several drafts later, I'm unsure), but I do know that I need to make my graduate work a top priority from now on.

      Delete
  7. I completely disagree with your professors analysis. They are saying that because your work didn't measure up academically to others in your program, that because those others had trouble finding jobs that you will have even more trouble. That logic just doesn't follow, besides the fact that they should understand trying to motivate students through negative reinforcement does not work. Did they think this is going to motivate you to buckle down and finish the dissertation? They just don't sound very bright to me for being professors. There's a lot involved with being successful in the work place and it doesn't all have to do with how well you wrote a dissertation. Sounds to me like they need to get out of their ivory towers and come down to the real world and give you the assistance you need to complete the program rather than making you feel like a failure with no future. Idiots.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Karen,
      They're good professors, and I really do want to write something that they will approve of. But you're right in that negative reinforcement is not very effective; after that meeting, I tried to work on my dissertation, but I was so upset that I couldn't get any work done at all for the rest of the day. Even now, I can't help feeling like I'm under even more pressure, which makes it even more difficult to write.
      I've heard from other grad students at other schools that it's sometimes difficult for their professors to understand what life is like in the real world; a lot has changed since the professors were grad students, so it's not always possible for us to follow the same path that they did.

      Delete
  8. I wish I could offer you advice, but I'm drawing a blank. I hope that things look up soon. *ehugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi mmarinaa,
      Thank you. Reading these comments, including yours, has definitely made me feel better.

      Delete
  9. I DID leave. I am so much happier now. I still teach and I actually still do research, too, but I don't HAVE to do it and I am a much happier individual for it.

    My husband did finish. He was on the job market in the social sciences for five years, doing adjunct after adjunct job, before he got a full-time, one year contract at a shitty school that led to a TT position at an even shittier school in a craptatsic town. A TT position is not the norm anymore for those with doctorates. And if you do manage to get a PhD, you work your ass off for a job with little pay, little prestige, and too many expectations.

    I don't really have any advice for you, but I will say that letting go of graduate school will not kill you. It will only make you stronger and happier. And there is life out there away from academia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi NGS,
      It was brave and strong of you to leave, because a lot of people (including myself) have trouble doing that. It's hard for me to picture life away from academia, because I've been immersed in the academic life for so long. Deep down, this is still what I want, but the whole process to get what I want is just so frustrating and stressful; sometimes, it feels like I'm spinning my wheels rather than actually going somewhere.

      Delete
  10. That's hard. It seems unfair that teaching has to be so mixed up with research, at the university level.
    One thing I'm not sure I understand - what does it matter to your professors if it takes you an extra year or two to finish? Why aren't you allowed to take the time you need? (I know that's what the rules are - there's a maximum of what? 5? 7? years before the university won't accept it, but why? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of learning?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Deniz,
      Sometimes I think that maybe I should have become a high school teacher, because at least then I wouldn't be under so much pressure to write articles and books that are usually only read by other scholars. But I really do like teaching at the college level.
      This was supposed to be my last year in the program, which is why my funding runs out this year. But last year they told me I would have to take an additional year; now they're saying I have to take on another year on top of that extra one. It's problematic because if I did get a tenure-track job, they would expect me to write a book (which is basically what the dissertation is) in just a few years; the fact that it's taking me so long to complete the Ph.D. makes me less marketable as a job candidate, I think. But at this point, I just want to finish my dissertation and get my PhD; I just want to be done with the whole process. I just wish it wasn't so difficult all the time.

      Delete
  11. I'm sorry didn't see this sooner. Yes, the divide between what a professor researches and what they teach is huge. I know other people who took 10 years, and they got jobs. Not every grad student has to work or has to work much, and that makes a big difference. You can explain that in interviews. One step at a time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Theresa,
      Thank you for your support; it means a lot, especially because sometimes I feel so alone in this whole situation. When I work on my dissertation, I can't help wondering how many people outside of my dissertation committee are actually going to read it. Maybe it'll get published, but that's a big maybe. At least with teaching, I get to work with many different people, and I like it better than doing research.

      Delete