Dating Bigfoot

I just signed up for a membership with a new online dating website, chemistry.com.

Okay, okay, I know I just wrote a post about saving money. But the thing is, I've actually been setting aside money for several months just so I could have enough to sign up for an online dating membership. And I poked around online and found an awesome "3 months for the price of 1" deal on this website, so I only had to pay fifty dollars!

Chemistry.com is affiliated with match.com, but it's actually quite similar to eharmony. For one thing, you don't get to comb through a bunch of profiles yourself; the website sends you about half a dozen matches per day with the idea that these are the people with whom you have the most "chemistry", based on a personality test that you have to take beforehand (but that's for another post).

I specified the age range I was going for, somewhere between the ages of 25 and 35 (I'm 29). And yet, Chemistry.com seems to feel that I'm compatible with several twenty-year-olds. Be still, my heart.

Nothing personal against anyone who dates someone who is significantly younger or older. That's their prerogative, and if they find true love, more power to them. But I doubt that I'll ever be a cougar. Teaching guys in their early twenties has pretty much ruined that for me, since I'll always just view them as undergrads rather than as potential dates (and besides, as a college teacher, dating undergrads is out of the question as far as I'm concerned).

As I wrote in an earlier blog post, sometimes, a picture says a little too much. But I would like to give advice to any guy out there who is on an online dating site or is considering joining:

1. Manscaping is good for the soul...and your social life. I have seen a few shirtless photos of guys who are either standing in profile, flexing their muscles, or standing with their backs to the camera. It's one thing if they have hairy chests. But hairy backs? That's pretty much a deal breaker for me. I'd really rather not feel like I'm dating Bigfoot, mm-kay?

2. Don't lie about your age. I've mentioned before that I've seen several profiles of guys who claim to be in their late twenties, yet their pictures make them look like they're in their late thirties or forties. (I've seen this on all of the dating sites that I joined.) Yes, some people do look older than they actually are. I myself actually get mistaken for being younger. But that's mainly because I'm not afraid to admit that both Britney and Miley are on my iPod (Shut up. They're fun.) and that I don't like going to "adult" things like wine-tasting parties (mainly because I'd spend the whole night spitting out the wine and going, "PBBBBPTH! Blech! Don't you have any soda? And what's with all the CHEESE? Is there NO candy here?").

      But several of the pictures I've been seeing have made me say out loud, "There is NO WAY that guy is 27!" It's one thing to feel self-conscious about your age. But don't lie about it.

3. What are you trying to hide? One of the things that bugged me about eharmony was the large number of profiles without pictures. There are several without pictures on chemistry too. As I've stated before, looks aren't everything, but they do matter to some extent. Of course, I've seen profiles where the pictures show cute guys but the stuff they write in their profiles makes them sound like total jerks.

But you should have at least two or three pictures of yourself up there. If I went out to a bar and a guy started chatting me up, I'd walk away if he was wearing a bag over his head so that I couldn't see his face. The only way it would work would be if we were at a masquerade ball, where everyone was wearing masks. And even then I'd still want to know what he looked like.

And if you don't post a picture, don't describe yourself as "Athletic/toned". Because if you were, you wouldn't be afraid to show what you look like. (Believe me, I've seen enough guys - and girls -  parading around the gym and showing off their physique to know this for a fact.)

4. Don't insult me. Some guys have pictures in their profiles where they look like they're glaring at the camera, as if they're really angry about something. It's as if they're saying, "Jeez. You better finish taking that picture THIS SECOND or I will shove that camera up your nose." Or maybe they think that the angry look is attractive.

Some guys sound really angry in their profiles, as if they've been burned by one too many women in the past. They write stuff like, "Don't expect me to pay for every single date, because I am NOT looking for a gold digger." Um, okay. I WASN'T expecting that, but thanks for just assuming that I would.

Or they'll write stuff like, "I hate it when girls play games. If you don't want to go out on a second date with me, why would you go out with me in the first place?" Maybe you should think about how you treated your date the first time around, and then ask me that question.

I'm already having doubts about chemistry.com, but I already paid for the membership. Hopefully I'll have more luck this time, although I am a little embarrassed that this is the fourth dating site I've tried. As many of you know, I've already tried match.com, okcupid, and eharmony. I went out on dates with guys I met on all three sites, but I didn't meet Mr. Right. Maybe I'm the one who will be single forever.